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Original poster

Husband insulting me to MIL

336 replies

Helpinghand1234 · 09/12/2024 12:09

Honest opinions please?

I (40f) am married to DH (41m) I’ve always had a tricky but civil relationship with in-laws. They’re overbearing and emeshed (farming family so everyone but them is an outsider)

Things got trickier when we married, then much much trickier when I had DS 15months ago. I’ve basically felt like a surrogate. MIL complains DS is a mummy’s boy, I shouldn’t have breast fed as no one else could feed him, DS doesn’t want to know her when I’m there, she’s not good enough when I’m around etc. If I complain to DH he says I’m stirring up trouble, imagining it or that’s just how she is. He works long hours keeping their farm afloat and has very little time at home in the evenings. When he does come home, at some point mil or fil will phone to see what DH had for dinner etc and ask how DS is. All of his money goes on keeping the farm afloat and my wages pay all our bills (I owned the home mortgage free before we married) When I complained to DH they were intruding on the little family time we had in the evenings the calls became less but constant messages to his phone, but I thought we had created some kind of boundary.

Im now 15 weeks pregnant with DC2. MIL and SIL had a very cold reaction when we told them, and it’s been niggling at me. DH has a way of making me feel like I’m imagining things, but this time I just
couldn’t convince myself that I was imagining it.

I know I’m totally in the wrong here and accept that fully, but this morning around 5am I couldn’t sleep and things were just going around and around my head. DH hadn’t put his phone to charge on his bedside table and it was on the middle of the bed. I unlocked it and started reading messages between him and MIL. I now know why she dislikes me so much. DH has called me lazy, told her there no dinner ready for him when he gets home, he’s had to do all the laundry as Id been lazy all day, I’ve had takeaway but there’s nothing for him, I’m angry and unpleasant/or I’m in a reasonable mood that night, he’s had to clean up my mess as the house was a tip, that I took my son without a coat and hat in the cold weather until he stopped me. He’s told her DS is saying Gran a lot which I’m not pleased about (DS says 3 words and gran isn’t even one of them). Every single thing is a lie.
In all the time we’ve been married I can count on one hand the times he’s come home with no meal ready, and that will be because I’ve just arrived home myself or I’m ill etc. I do all of the laundry (he wouldn’t know how to turn washing machine on) do all the housework (I doubt he knows where the hoover is) and have never taken DS out without either a sunhat or cold weather hat. He says he’s had too cook dinner, put DS to bed and is now cleaning my mess as I’m in bed. (I go to bed the same time as DS as he sleeps for around 3 hours and it’s the longest stretch of sleep I get- he’s then awake every hour/two hours to feed). MIL’s responses are “isn’t she lazy, she must have been in bed all day, she needs a good shake, don’t worry DS will grow soon so you won’t have to stay etc.” When he told her my DM was here, he called her “the old woman” and she responded “is she there to brag about how much money she has?” (My parents are fairly wealthy but not in an ostentatious way- they own property but drive a 15 year old car) She has also repeatedly told DH I’m angry and awful to be around as they’re not good enough for me. Everything he’s told her is a lie, but it’s like he wants to play little boy victim to his mother.

What on earth do I do? I confronted DH this morning- his response was he needed to vent somewhere, which is fair enough, but he wasn’t venting, he was lying and speaking about me in a very hostile and unpleasant way and actively lying. We argued recently as he took DS to mil with no car seat (10 minute journey) and they both had a moan about how I was still stomping my feet about it and being my usual unpleasant self.

What’s most confusing is to my face he’s lovely, we have the odd argument here and there but overall I thought we were happy, he constantly tells me how much he loves me, how happy he is etc but all the while messaging his mother how awful I am. We had a lovely day yesterday buying a Xmas tree and decorating etc and now I feel like my family is destroyed.

Ive spoken to my best friend and DB this morning- they both advised time to cool off before speaking to him to find out why he’s done this. I already know what he’ll say- he can’t get away from her etc, and really it doesn’t matter- how can I ever trust him again? This is the person who is supposed to be my biggest cheerleader but is actively assassinating my character to his mother. I suppose I want some reassurance I’m not overreacting? Is it enough to call it quits? I don’t want DS and DC2 to come from a broken home and I feel so ashamed and embarrassed to be in this situation- all the signs were there that they have an unhealthy relationship but I honestly never thought he would speak about me with such contempt. And worst of all I really do love him- he’s my best friend and when we have time just the 3 of us it’s wonderful. I know he can never go NC with in-laws as without him they’d be destitute, but I’m heartbroken about the situation.

WWYD?

OP posts:
skyeisthelimit · 12/12/2024 18:15

He needs to explain why he was telling everyone outright lies and he needs to put every single one of them straight. There is no future with him unless he does that. How can you have a future with a man who tells everybody lies about your behaviour just to get their pity and attention.

This will affect your interaction with anyone that he has involved in his lies.

He hasn't just vented to others , he has lied repeatedly, in such a way that they now don't like you. That takes a huge amount to undo and it can't be done by you.

StartleBright · 12/12/2024 15:56

It's not normal behaviour. It isn't appropriate to vent to someone who has a relationship to both parties. He owes you honest communication about issues and emotions or else the relationship is dead in the water.

It will damage you and any family you try to create with him if you allow it to blow over.

Ask him how he proposes to resolve the trust issues. He broke it, he can do the work to fix it.

Listen to him. If you think it works give it a go. If it doesnt feel good to you find a solicitor.

pikkumyy77 · 12/12/2024 15:34

The deletion of all those threads shows he has a massively guilty conscience. And of course he DARVO’d you by denying he gad dine anything wrong and reversing victim and offender and blaming you for his actions.

I usually like to see both sides but honestly this is just a shameful level of behavior towards you. He is a horrible liar, manipulative, has smeared your good name to his entire social circle, and has exploited you for housing, money, sex, and fertility without the slightest shame ir compunction. If you want to get rid of him—and you should—insult him and tell him he is an improvident disgrace to fatherhood and as a husband. Hopefully he will slink back to his mother. Sell up and leave. Let him find another cash cow.

StrikeForever · 12/12/2024 15:31

I don’t think I could get past that and continue with the relationship. What he has done in those texts is a terrible betrayal. For me the reasons he said those things wouldn’t matter. I’m so sorry you are going through this 💐

DecafDodger · 12/12/2024 15:06

He’s deleted the entire message thread as well as with his sister, best friend and some other people

He might not have told those people - you could send them all a message that you have read the the conversations about you, did they really think that was true, is this what they think of you? They might confess what else your dear husband has made up.

saffronspices · 12/12/2024 15:05

In fact all this resonates with me more than I realised but I'm 15 years further on than you - so in retrospect - maybe that's why xDH told me his mum had asked for a key to the house 🚩, when I asked what the purpose of that bright idea was he said "so that she can let herself in to come and clean/tidy up" 🚩 I told him to fuck right off and that I couldn't think of anything more intrusive. I'd had a child not a lifechanging road accident ffs. It just got worse - he obviously didn't like being second best to a child either! He probably told her all the same shit about me being lazy. I just wanted a husband, not a 40+ year old little boy still latched onto his mother's breast. Nightmare. He's still the same 20 years later.

Imbusytodaysorry · 12/12/2024 14:33

ToGiftOrNotToGift · 12/12/2024 10:33

I agree.

@Helpinghand1234 - I sense that you are not yet ready to give up on your marriage, but at least seek advice on how to protect yourself financially. As it is, you may limp on with him for months or even years, but at some point you'll have enough and end the marriage.

Better to seek clarity about your legal position now. Maybe the risks of staying married will help you focus on your and your children's best interests.

Show quote history

I also agree .

I do worry if OP stays he and his family will turn the children against her (it happens )!

I think OP’s husband isn’t happy with who he married and is hanging out for the children to be old enough

Horses7 · 12/12/2024 13:51

CameltoeParkerBowles · 12/12/2024 10:23

This is a worse breach of trust than an affair, imo. And his total lack of contrition compounds the offence. What a spineless arsehole he is.

In my opinion too it’s worse than an affair - and I don’t say that lightly. I have to say OP it’s actually one of the worse things I’ve read on Mumsnet. Know your worth, keep strong and ask yourself do you want your son to grow up in an environment like this?

Horses7 · 12/12/2024 13:42

You are certainly not overreacting - his behaviour is really, really bad and he has let you and your little one down in the worse possible way.
He’s obviously also done this with other people and not just your MIL - the level of disrespect (almost hatred?) for you is horrific and a massive red flag.
I honestly don’t know how you can carry on in such a relationship I know I couldn’t but then that’s easy for me to say isn’t it?
You are worth so much more than this, choose carefully and don’t be gaslit into thinking any of it is your fault.

harriethoyle · 12/12/2024 13:29

The fact he's had to delete SO many message threads tells its own tale. I'm so sorry @Helpinghand1234 - this wasn't a one off moan, this is clearly systematically slagging you off to a range of people.

saffronspices · 12/12/2024 13:13

He's struggled with you being quiet & distant since DS was born - poor bugger my heart bleeds for him - and the rest of the trash he's spouting to his mummy & anyone else about you says what about him? The little boy who is the centre of your world deserves your love and attention more than any of the numbskulls around you - he's the only needy person in your life and deserves so much more than a daddy who slags you off for being a good mum & all the while is running back to his mummy telling lies about you. What an absolute sadsack!

Counselling for yourself is a good idea - you're the injured party here and he's put you in a real mess emotionally. You need to protect yourself and don't let him manipulate you any further, stay as strong as you can xx

Naunet · 12/12/2024 12:41

So you pay all the bills, do all the childcare, all the cooking and all the housework, and this entitled piece of shit complains to mummy that you're lazy?!! What the fuck does he think he's contributing to your relationship? He's certainly not the provider to the 1950s housewife he expects you to be, on top of working. I hope to God you protected your house before marrying this ridiculous manchild.

ExcludedatfiveFML · 12/12/2024 12:31

He's a parasite
He hates you

I remember the previous thread.

FFS get a solicitor and get the divorce started. He is bleeding you dry.

DecafDodger · 12/12/2024 12:22

I can understand that people could interpret things differently. Complain that house was a mess if they have different standards, exaggerate things, show themselves in a better light like claim they did majority of x when they barely contributed.
But if he stated he had to do all the laundry again while in reality, he has never even touched the washing machine, that's not a misinterpretation or different view, that's a lie and he understands very well that he fully made it up.

RoxyRoo2011 · 12/12/2024 12:18

Helpinghand1234 · 12/12/2024 09:26

Thank you to everyone who has posted, I’ve asked him to spend the last three nights away from here, it’s just too upsetting. He’s been coming over in the evenings to see DS and Ive left them to it and gone into another room and then he leaves when it’s DS bedtime. I assume he’s sleeping at his parents.

We’ve spoken (argued really) twice about it. He’s adamant he was just venting, he’s struggled with me being so distant and quiet since DS was born. I explained that I try to talk about an issue with him and he shuts me down with “Why are you looking for a fight, do you know what kind of day I’ve had etc” so that’s when I shut down.
I asked to see his phone as I wanted to know how long they’d been speaking about me like this. He’s deleted the entire message thread as well as with his sister, best friend and some other people. I dread to think what was being said that caused him to delete the messages, my mind is in overdrive. He has no real explanation for this. I feel this is a huge red flag?
My DB thinks he’s just doing it for mil’s approval and thinks I should confront them both together. I’m not sure I have the strength (pathetic I know) My best friend thinks we need to keep communicating and have some cooling off time before I do anything drastic. I haven’t spoken to my DM, we have a complicated relationship at best, although I think she would be supportive I feel she may escalate the situation which won’t help anyone.
I can’t see a way forward, even now I’ve cooled down and am trying to be reasonable, I can’t see how we can ever have any kind of trust, and I don’t think I’m overreacting.

Is he standing by what he’s said about you as the truth? He genuinely thinks you’re lazy etc? He said he’s venting so this is how he feels and sees things? Not that he’s sorry for bare faced lying? Worrying.

goldleaflet · 12/12/2024 12:07

It is a problem that they do not see it as a major problem. I bit of a mistake perhaps. That's all.
Farmers are so often on Planet Brookfield and the rest of the world has to fit around them.

Jagoda · 12/12/2024 12:03

I can’t see the point in counselling or confrontation.

Legal advice and split up. He’s not your partner or your friend, he’s a sponging enemy

DecafDodger · 12/12/2024 11:47

I agree you need to get your ducks in order. You have been single-handedly supporting and taking care of your family, while he has been putting all the efforts into his family farm. And bad-mouthing you to his family and friends.

Bettyfromlondon · 12/12/2024 11:38

This is such a heartbreaking story. There is a world of difference between casually venting about true events and inventing stonking big brazen barefaced lies.
I hope your marriage is considered to be a short one so that you can retain your pre-marital asset - your house.
Can you cut off his access to your money apart from paying house bills?

OhBling · 12/12/2024 11:25

He’s adamant he was just venting, he’s struggled with me being so distant and quiet since DS was born.

But he's not venting. He's lying. Venting would be sort of understandable. Lying is not.

I vent to my sister when DH hasn't thought about the kids' dinner and I'm working late. I don't tell my sister that he never does anything for me/the kids and I have todo it all myself all the time... b ecause that's not true.

Porcuporpoise · 12/12/2024 11:23

user2848502016 · 12/12/2024 10:02

You're not overreacting, you need to leave.
Start making plans asap, can you go and stay with your parents?

It's her house, paid for by her. Wtf should she leave?

MelodyFinch · 12/12/2024 11:21

His mother will have the messages. If he asks her to delete them, she will maybe realise that it is all lies. You are such an open hearted person, I am sorry this has happened to you. Please try to realise that this is not your fault and try to arm yourself against the gas lighting. Whatever you ultimately decide to do, this should be documented in a solicitors office. I am glad you are building a network of support around yourself, this is definitely one of the best things you can do.I am sorry your own mother will go into tiger mother mode ( er somebody should). We, on here, are your support and witnesses as well. Wishing you the strength to make a big change for the better. 🙏

Codlingmoths · 12/12/2024 11:02

Malicious lies over and over and over to multiple people is not even related to venting. I couldn’t get over this. Your brother and bf do not have your back here. He’s irredeemably fucked up his marriage and I couldn’t even look at him with his ‘venting’ bullshit. If it were true it might be venting but none of it is, he’s just a fucking tosser who’s happily taken his wife and thrown her under the bus with multiple people.

Biffbaff · 12/12/2024 10:41

Get your children away from these weirdos, they'll already have designs on them as farm labourers, but the worst recruitment would be into this dysfunctional mess they call family.

sausagesforteaagain · 12/12/2024 10:38

sounds like your BF and DB are giving you bad advice.

Can you go to see a solicitor to advise you on what would happen if you divorced?

I can’t see how there is a way back from this, he hasn’t really apologised and just blamed you. Seems like you are only there to enable his family and the farm.

good luck