Husband insulting me to MIL

It seems likely you'll be able to keep your house as long as you don't try to claim a share in his family business (which sounds like a money pit anyway). Don't agree anything with him or any of them without a lawyer and everything made official.

How are things now?

OP I know it’s been a while but your thread really bothered me. I hope you are doing well and have found a way to resolve this situation

i dont think DMil is a problem, based on what her son's told her of course she's worried, on his side and overanalysing your behaviour and reactions. No wonder theyre horrified you're pregnant they thought they were planning to rescue him from an awful situation based on a version of you he created. You dont have a DMil problem you have a DH problem.

If hes pleasant to your face and like this behind your back you cant fix that, hes a liar and no amount of talking or counselling will change it. Sorry OP.

He is not venting, he is outright lying about you to his mother. Screen shot or copy anything you can. Separate out your finances asap.
Tell him you know all about his lies. Kick him out, change the locks. Seek legal advice, if possible garner support from your family and friends

Ask him if he truly believes any of what he's said.

When he (cowardly) denies it, then request he sits down with his family (in your presence) to own up and apologise.

He may not want to, in which case, leave the bastard.

He may eat crow, in which case, enjoy the fleeting moment and then leave the bastard regardless.

He's been absolutely awful to you and there's no excusing it or coming back for it. You will have a much happier and easier life without a lying misery guts backstabbing you to your inlaws.

If you don't do it now, I really worry for you that he will continue these actions and turn your children against you too. Imagine how even more heartbreaking that would be. Please take that fear and anger, and use it to set yourself and your kids up for a happier life.

The fact that you have family that minimize his absolutely ratshit behaviour make me deeply concerned for your wellbeing @Helpinghand1234.‘I am beginning to think that either they have a horse in the race (friends with DH, perhaps? Money invested in the farm?) or you have simply been raised as the family scapegoat or you have been somehow indoctrinated to believe somehow that you don’t deserve anything worthwhile. A normal response to hearing how your DH treats you would be to threaten to kick his arse or to get you directly to a solicitor - not to encourage you to maintain the status quo. That’s nuts!

He's unhinged.

This makes me so angry, what an utter bastard. I'd probably go fucking nuclear, tell the lot of them exactly what I think of them & throw him out. I can't abide liars.

I'm not a psychiatrist no, but I'm familiar with this pattern of behaviour (from a family member not a partner in my case) and I think experience counts, which is why I suggested that OP read up on it. Only she knows if it rings true or not.

Anyway, I've read countless threads about horrible husbands on this board and tbh a lot of them seem to have similar traits. I'm not saying everyone is a narc but it's something that needs more awareness of otherwise some of them will never understand how hopefess a situ they're in can be with these types of people and the only sensible recourse is to run...

Thepurplepig
you can kick the twat out any time, do you need to wait for the evidence?

I’m going through this at the moment. I know the twat that lives in my house is doing exactly what your cock lodger was doing but he guards his phone with his life. I’m just waiting for an opportunity to get my hands on it then he’s out of here. Do not take his excuses. Phone his mother and tell her exactly what he is then change the locks to YOUR house. I hope you’ve been sensible enough to protect your assets

I agree with this. But whether this is true or not as a matter of diagnosis he is also a terribly deceptive and manipulative person.

OP I think its time to take a look at Lundy Bancroft’s Why does he do that? I think there is sn online test you can take that will help you determine whether you are being abused—or rather how certain behaviors are abusing and harming you. This is often hard to recognize because we overvalue the romantic side snd romantic sayings of our partner. We tend to think their bad acts are accidental or not “really” what they want to do. But intentions don’t matter snd egfects do.

He might say he “must” devote himself to the family farm without oay. But intentions effect he is ripping you off and forcing you to subsidize his family while refusing to support you and his own children. The act is abusive—even if he denies the intent to abuse.

He told his mumsy that he was leaving you as soon as the DC were old enough, so either he's a craven, pathetic, weakspined liar who threw you under the bus, or he was planning on leaving you anyway. Either way, your marriage is over.

Venting is moaning about things that actually happened. What your H did was tell blatant LIES about you to his closest circle. And he has deleted all of the evidence.

He is playing a long game here. He has been doing this for a while. He has turned his family and friends against you. He’s gotten you to support him while he supports and works for the family farm.

You are definitely not overreacting. In fact I would say you are under reacting if anything.

Please please go to a solicitor. You need to protect yourself and your children financially.

You are in quite a good position in a way as someone pointed out - there could be some bargaining to do as they will be terrified you would have any claim on their precious farm.

Thinking about it all it’s actually quite chilling that he has been doing this systematically for a while.

please don’t let him gaslight you into thinking this is at all acceptable, for him to say he “was just venting” this breaks the primary rules of trust in a relationship. I know my OH would love to vent about me in the pub to his mates and vice versa but we never ever slag each other off. The only person who know more than my F&F is my next door neighbour who heard us argue once and she asked if we were ok and I told her more than anyone, but still not 100%.
his lies, deception and the deletion of evidence tell you everything. This man will never put you on a pedestal, find one who will. They are out there! X

What advice did your MIL give you?

Mine was an enabler and wouldn't listen to any criticism of her precious son - it's caused so much pain to me and our children, and ultimately his own family because he's been lying to them about me - they don't know that yet. They hate me but they're just starting to find out why our children stay away from their dad. He couldn't give a toss, he's a narcissist.

Seeet Jesus. Someone can simply just be an asshole without having to jump to diagnosing him with a personality disorder 🙄

Particularly if you're not a psychiatrist.

I’d text everyone he vented to explaining that he tells lies so disgraceful and appalling that you are about to divorce him.

It’s one thing venting if there are genuine issues but him making up lie after lie to complain about is just plain odd. You can’t trust him; he’s not got your back; he tells lies. He’s destroyed your relationship as a married couple by slagging you off at length time and time again, so it’s probably time he really did start coming home to find no food made, none of his laundry done and the entire house to clean himself, the pathetic little whinge bag. He’ll certainly get that if you split.

What he's done is unforgivable. What's even worse is that you thought the damage was limited to his conversations with his mother-in-law but it seems like he's slagging you off to everyone. You can't possibly continue the relationship now.

I suggest you read up on narcissistic personality disorder. He really sounds like he might have it. One of the things they commonly do is slag off their closest partner to others around them, literally anyone and everyone. No idea why but it's about power and control, controlling you by controlling the narrative around you while making you the bad guy. That way they get all the sympathy and basically get to look good in comparison. It's all about their vanity. I have no idea why narcs are like that, but everything is about them, not you. It's pathetic.

Also outright blatant lying is also a sign of a narc. They just don't care as long as no-one else knows what they're really like. Also the fact that he's nice to you sometimes, is basically him love-bombing you for "supply" - to feed their ego and make themselves believe they're nice when they know they're not. They need to believe it, it's part of why they're such crap people. They can be very charming and likable though, to reel people in, but it's all an act. It's hard to understand that someone can actually be this shallow and pathetic unless you experience it yourself...(unfortunately I have!)

Basically |'d suggest run as far as you can while you can. Not helpful as you have a child with him but it's worth finding out more about these people so as to know what's really going on.

how does that thinking even work? 'Oh, so you needed to vent, because you came home, there was no dinner and you had to do laundry? Considering there was dinner and you have never touched the washing machine??"

I'd leave. I actually had tips from my MiL for dealing with DH, she said his dad was the same and this was how she dealt with his behaviour.

But we did have a really good relationship, when she had dementia and was in hospital I'd told the nurse I was her DiL and when the nurse referred to me as such she said she's not my DiL she's my friend. That's how MiLs should be.

His excuse is preposterous. He needed to “vent" about information he completely fabricated. That's worse than the truth mate.