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Original poster

PORN HISTORY

135 replies

rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 11:12

So I've been seeing a new man for a few weeks. All going fairly well, met OLD. Last night I saw his porn history. I checked his search history on his open laptop. I know it crosses a boundary (and would appreciate not exploring that today), BUT I just had a hunch that this man watches a lot of porn from the way he is in the bedroom (I've been through this before). Sure enough, there it was: "gang bangs" and "live cam" with women's names. A GF argued with me today that what men watch online is not who they are, but I am worried that this is not true.

OP posts:
Original poster
rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 11:39

SocksAndTheCity · 09/12/2024 11:36

No, raping people is 'rapey'.

It's a disgusting term which minimises rape and sexual assault, and does not apply to sex between consenting adults regardless of how many of them are participating in it, or whether it's part of a porn production.

Show quote history

It was not my intention to minimise rape. I apologise if using that word eluded to that.

OP posts:
Original poster
rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 11:36

Menace24 · 09/12/2024 11:34

If you don't like how he grabbed you that's a complete issue in itself. Why does going through his search history change how you feel about how he grabbed you? You either tolerate that or you don't. No need to invade his privacy to make that decision.

I tried to have a conversation about "porn and its influence" with him and thought he was lying to me, so I wanted to check for myself. The reason is that I have tried to be straightforward with many men about porn use and how it's filtering unfavourable into the bedroom and they either shut down or lie. It's just starting to properly piss me off.

OP posts:
SocksAndTheCity · 09/12/2024 11:36

rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 11:30

Yes, I have crossed a line and I feel shame about that, BUT I asked him if he watched porn and what kind he liked to watch and he replied, "not for years, it bores him, and nothing weird." I asked because he (like so many deluded men) thought it was okay to grab my throat without a convo. I am flat-out sick of this shit, and yes, I crossed a line but I also kind of knew he was lying... also isn't "gangbangs" rapey?

Edited

No, raping people is 'rapey'.

It's a disgusting term which minimises rape and sexual assault, and does not apply to sex between consenting adults regardless of how many of them are participating in it, or whether it's part of a porn production.

Oreosareawful · 09/12/2024 11:35

A few weeks into the relationship and you are checking his search history?
He's not the one.

Menace24 · 09/12/2024 11:34

If you don't like how he grabbed you that's a complete issue in itself. Why does going through his search history change how you feel about how he grabbed you? You either tolerate that or you don't. No need to invade his privacy to make that decision.

GridlockonMain · 09/12/2024 11:34

rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 11:30

Yes, I have crossed a line and I feel shame about that, BUT I asked him if he watched porn and what kind he liked to watch and he replied, "not for years, it bores him, and nothing weird." I asked because he (like so many deluded men) thought it was okay to grab my throat without a convo. I am flat-out sick of this shit, and yes, I crossed a line but I also kind of knew he was lying... also isn't "gangbangs" rapey?

Edited

Cross posted with this - the throat grabbing is a major issue imo and would be a red line for me. That’s a really clear sign that he isn’t concerned about consent and has had his view of ‘normal’ sex warped by porn.

GridlockonMain · 09/12/2024 11:32

There are a lot of issues here that you’ll need to untangle.

  1. You don’t want to talk about violating his privacy but it’s something you’ll need to give some thought to. Did you do it because you don’t trust him? Are there red flags in his behaviour? Think about what led you to want to snoop and what it says about the relationship.
  2. it’s up to you to decide how you feel about porn. Some women don’t care, for others it’s a hard line. Neither view is wrong, but follow your own heart on the issue. If it’s a dealbreaker then accept that this man isn’t for you - don’t stick around in the hope that he may change or that you can reach a compromise. It will just end up breaking your heart.
  3. Your comments about the way he is in the bedroom are concerning. One of the dangers of porn consumption (even if you don’t hugely object in principle) is that it warps a person’s view of what is normal, safe and respectful sexual activity. Porn rarely shows explicit consent, safe sex practices, or a focus on female pleasure. That can lead some men (especially those who watch a lot of it or particularly watch extreme content) to lose perspective on how to behave in a sexual relationship. That can be disastrous or even dangerous, and is unlikely to lead to a safe and stable relationship.

What he watches isn’t necessarily who he is, but he is also showing you who he is by the way he behaves in the bedroom. If that is making you uncomfortable, you have every right to end the relationship.

Original poster
rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 11:30

Yes, I have crossed a line and I feel shame about that, BUT I asked him if he watched porn and what kind he liked to watch and he replied, "not for years, it bores him, and nothing weird." I asked because he (like so many deluded men) thought it was okay to grab my throat without a convo. I am flat-out sick of this shit, and yes, I crossed a line but I also kind of knew he was lying... also isn't "gangbangs" rapey?

OP posts:
Menace24 · 09/12/2024 11:23

You should leave him, given that you've already massively crossed a line.

username299 · 09/12/2024 11:19

I know you don't want to talk about violating his privacy, but here we are.

Secondly, it's up to you and how you feel about porn. Some women don't mind and others see it as a dealbreaker.

Third, the red flag is his behaviour in the bedroom. If he's treating you like a porn star or doing things you don't like, dump and run.