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Original poster

PORN HISTORY

135 replies

rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 11:12

So I've been seeing a new man for a few weeks. All going fairly well, met OLD. Last night I saw his porn history. I checked his search history on his open laptop. I know it crosses a boundary (and would appreciate not exploring that today), BUT I just had a hunch that this man watches a lot of porn from the way he is in the bedroom (I've been through this before). Sure enough, there it was: "gang bangs" and "live cam" with women's names. A GF argued with me today that what men watch online is not who they are, but I am worried that this is not true.

OP posts:
username299 · 09/12/2024 12:08

rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 11:49

I am in my fifties and only started OLD a few years ago, in that time I have had four men pull my hair hard and/or go for the throat. My friends have also experienced it in this age group. I wonder if they think it's what all the young-uns are doing, or I am (inadvertently) attracting them, but if you saw me you'd laugh at that... nothing about me screams BDSM siren.

Show quote history

The only way to combat this is to have a conversation outside the bedroom before embarking on a sexual relationship.

Make it clear you're not into rough sex, spell it out if necessary. If they do anything you have not consented to, kick them out.

ThatLimeCat · 09/12/2024 12:06

Oh goody, all the porn defenders have shown up to let us know how open minded they are.

OP, you know you don't like this and I can understand why. A new boyfriend shouldn't be unexpectedly choking you during sex. Watching tonnes of porn is indeed a red flag about a man's attitudes towards women. There are men out there who are better adjusted.

Original poster
rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 12:05

ShouldIEvenBother · 09/12/2024 12:03

I'm in my mid 40's and have also experienced this. Back when i was in my 20's, prior to my marriage and subsequent divorce, this never happened when i dated. It feels that as time has gone on, there is more free and easy to access porn and these blokes are getting addicted to it and needing more extreme stuff in order to get off. Unfortunately, this is becoming a problem that many women are encountering when dating men.

OP I don't think you've done anything wrong. You listened to your gut, and you got the confirmation you needed.

Run for the hills, he's a bad egg 🤮

Edited
Show quote history

I am sorry you have experienced this too. It feels so violating... Bad eggs indeed!

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 09/12/2024 12:04

@rubberduck68 no judgement here- if something feels off it feels off - o wish men wouldn't lie about this aspect of themselves- for many women still 'a big deal' - I would rather someone was upfront about it and decide if I could live with it

Original poster
rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 12:03

Teacherprebaby · 09/12/2024 11:44

Something is up with the men you are choosing if this happens often!!!

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is there something wrong with my choices, or is it that the choices available are just a bit broken? Dating in your fifties is a small pool of often damaged men (and women)...

OP posts:
ShouldIEvenBother · 09/12/2024 12:03

rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 11:49

I am in my fifties and only started OLD a few years ago, in that time I have had four men pull my hair hard and/or go for the throat. My friends have also experienced it in this age group. I wonder if they think it's what all the young-uns are doing, or I am (inadvertently) attracting them, but if you saw me you'd laugh at that... nothing about me screams BDSM siren.

Show quote history

I'm in my mid 40's and have also experienced this. Back when i was in my 20's, prior to my marriage and subsequent divorce, this never happened when i dated. It feels that as time has gone on, there is more free and easy to access porn and these blokes are getting addicted to it and needing more extreme stuff in order to get off. Unfortunately, this is becoming a problem that many women are encountering when dating men.

OP I don't think you've done anything wrong. You listened to your gut, and you got the confirmation you needed.

Run for the hills, he's a bad egg 🤮

Itsacoldcoldwinter · 09/12/2024 12:01

He is a man who enjoys watching women being abused and violated.
He not only enjoys watching it he is carrying this over into real life- hence his behaviour towards you in the bedroom.
Porn desensitises men. It makes it impossible for then to have a healthy relationship in real life.
I would end the relationship.

Original poster
rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 12:01

Tel12 · 09/12/2024 11:57

Your suspicions are up, he lied, you found evidence that confirms everything. I do think that the type of things people watch online are a reflection of who they are. You've only known this man a few weeks and he's already testing the boundaries.

"Testing the boundaries" is the issue for sure. I am not a naturally distrustful person, and had a very long marriage with an honest man who I trusted very much, and never questioned in that regard, but since OLD I have been in the company of so many men who do lie, sometimes they can't keep track of what they have said, it's that bad and in the bedroom it's just been lacking anything sensual and at times consensual. This crap did not happen when I was in my twenties and thirties so something has shifted...

OP posts:
Original poster
rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 11:57

Garlicwest · 09/12/2024 11:51

I'm sorry you're being criticised for double-checking after he lied and for your terminology, @rubberduck68. (fwiw, I think porn that simulates a rape situation is rapey!)

I know exactly what you mean about being able to tell he's a porn user from his sexual behaviour. It's one of the reasons I stopped having sex; this was happening almost all the time.

You are being REASONABLE to end a relationship for ANY reason. It could be the type of shoes he wears but, in this case, it's a deal-breaker for me so I'm naturally aligned with your values on this.

It's also reasonable to check up if you feel someone you have sex with is lying about something that may impact your relationship. Others may disagree but, frankly, I suspect they have little real-world experience.

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Thank you for sharing that you have had a similar experience, and I am so sorry that it was one of the reasons that you have stopped having sex, tbh I feel I might be right behind you on that.

OP posts:
Tel12 · 09/12/2024 11:57

Your suspicions are up, he lied, you found evidence that confirms everything. I do think that the type of things people watch online are a reflection of who they are. You've only known this man a few weeks and he's already testing the boundaries.

GasPanic · 09/12/2024 11:56

Sounds like you don't like porn very much.

Next time, put in your online dating profile, "don't like or expect partner to use porn" and "expect to be able to search personal device histories for evidence of this".

That should help screen out the men you don't want.

Original poster
rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 11:53

Typerighter · 09/12/2024 11:50

As someone with a PhD in psychology I have no idea what "psychological training" lets you know when someone is lying. Are you that guy from 'lie to me' who used microexpressions to convict murder suspects?

No I am not, but your training is not necessarily the same as any other therapists or counsellor; there are so many different trainings out there as you well know. Your response is shaming and mocking, and implying that I am a man posing as a woman on this site is accusatory and unfounded.

OP posts:
Jagoda · 09/12/2024 11:51

YANBU

Bin him

Garlicwest · 09/12/2024 11:51

rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 11:36

I tried to have a conversation about "porn and its influence" with him and thought he was lying to me, so I wanted to check for myself. The reason is that I have tried to be straightforward with many men about porn use and how it's filtering unfavourable into the bedroom and they either shut down or lie. It's just starting to properly piss me off.

Show quote history

I'm sorry you're being criticised for double-checking after he lied and for your terminology, @rubberduck68. (fwiw, I think porn that simulates a rape situation is rapey!)

I know exactly what you mean about being able to tell he's a porn user from his sexual behaviour. It's one of the reasons I stopped having sex; this was happening almost all the time.

You are being REASONABLE to end a relationship for ANY reason. It could be the type of shoes he wears but, in this case, it's a deal-breaker for me so I'm naturally aligned with your values on this.

It's also reasonable to check up if you feel someone you have sex with is lying about something that may impact your relationship. Others may disagree but, frankly, I suspect they have little real-world experience.

Typerighter · 09/12/2024 11:50

As someone with a PhD in psychology I have no idea what "psychological training" lets you know when someone is lying. Are you that guy from 'lie to me' who used microexpressions to convict murder suspects?

Original poster
rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 11:49

Menace24 · 09/12/2024 11:46

Where on earth are you finding all of these porn re-enacting men? I've literally never had that happen with a partner, they've always been respectful like I am to them.

I am in my fifties and only started OLD a few years ago, in that time I have had four men pull my hair hard and/or go for the throat. My friends have also experienced it in this age group. I wonder if they think it's what all the young-uns are doing, or I am (inadvertently) attracting them, but if you saw me you'd laugh at that... nothing about me screams BDSM siren.

OP posts:
ItGhoul · 09/12/2024 11:48

rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 11:45

I watched one of the links: the women were not consenting; it was definitely non-consensual as a porn scenario.

Show quote history

If you watched it and you feel it implied rape, you don't need to ask whether 'gang bang' implies rape. The video you watched and which your partner presumably watched implied rape, so the fact that it was labelled 'gang bang' is neither here nor there.

You're focusing on some really odd stuff here. The issue is that your partner grabbed you by the throat, not the fact that he searched for the words 'gang bang' on bloody PornHub.

Menace24 · 09/12/2024 11:46

Where on earth are you finding all of these porn re-enacting men? I've literally never had that happen with a partner, they've always been respectful like I am to them.

ItGhoul · 09/12/2024 11:45

rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 11:30

Yes, I have crossed a line and I feel shame about that, BUT I asked him if he watched porn and what kind he liked to watch and he replied, "not for years, it bores him, and nothing weird." I asked because he (like so many deluded men) thought it was okay to grab my throat without a convo. I am flat-out sick of this shit, and yes, I crossed a line but I also kind of knew he was lying... also isn't "gangbangs" rapey?

Edited

Pretty sure every man I've dated has watched porn, but none of them have grabbed me by the throat. The issue here isn't the porn habit; it's what he did. Most men who watch porn all the time still wouldn't grab a woman by the throat in a million years.

You should have just dumped him when he crossed the line in bed. You didn't need to go through his browsing history.

'Gang bang', in itself, isn't automatically 'rapey' - it usually means consensual sex with one woman and a group of men. But of course any type of porn can be 'rapey' if that's what someone's seeking out.

Original poster
rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 11:45

Annabella92 · 09/12/2024 11:43

I really disagree with this. Does your definition of rape extend beyond anything which is sex minus consent?

While consent is important and unfortunately necessary to emphasise for the bewildered pornsick herds, I think it sets an extremely and unacceptably low bar as far as moral conduct in the erotix realm is concerned.

Show quote history

I watched one of the links: the women were not consenting; it was definitely non-consensual as a porn scenario.

OP posts:
Teacherprebaby · 09/12/2024 11:44

rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 11:36

I tried to have a conversation about "porn and its influence" with him and thought he was lying to me, so I wanted to check for myself. The reason is that I have tried to be straightforward with many men about porn use and how it's filtering unfavourable into the bedroom and they either shut down or lie. It's just starting to properly piss me off.

Show quote history

Something is up with the men you are choosing if this happens often!!!

Original poster
rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 11:44

dhxxx · 09/12/2024 11:40

What did you expect to find and do with the information? If you're not happy with how he acts, leave him. It doesn't really matter what has influenced that behaviour does it. If you don't trust him this early on or like his behaviour, there is zero point in continuing. Porn or no porn

I have psychological training so I know when I'm being lied to, and I am flat-out sick of men re-enacting porn scenarios without consent. Maybe THAT is the post that I should have written today. The onus seems to sit very heavily pro-him because I snooped, but how many women on here have had suspicions about their partners snooped and found out they were right? Our intuition is everything AND it's what keeps us safe and alive in the bedroom, BUT society tells us we are wrong by normalising porn addiction and its impact.

OP posts:
Annabella92 · 09/12/2024 11:43

SocksAndTheCity · 09/12/2024 11:36

No, raping people is 'rapey'.

It's a disgusting term which minimises rape and sexual assault, and does not apply to sex between consenting adults regardless of how many of them are participating in it, or whether it's part of a porn production.

Show quote history

I really disagree with this. Does your definition of rape extend beyond anything which is sex minus consent?

While consent is important and unfortunately necessary to emphasise for the bewildered pornsick herds, I think it sets an extremely and unacceptably low bar as far as moral conduct in the erotix realm is concerned.

MaggieBsBoat · 09/12/2024 11:42

My sexual fantasies are quite extreme and not something I’d talk about (I am a female btw) and they in no way indicate who I am.
My DH was (is maybe?) quite a big watcher of porn but if I thought that was who he was then I’d assume he was only interested in penises and some really strange stuff.
The point is, you don’t have to be with anyone. If his history is something which doesn’t sit right with you, that is totally ok. You draw your own lines. That’s your right.

dhxxx · 09/12/2024 11:40

What did you expect to find and do with the information? If you're not happy with how he acts, leave him. It doesn't really matter what has influenced that behaviour does it. If you don't trust him this early on or like his behaviour, there is zero point in continuing. Porn or no porn