PORN HISTORY

He assaulted you, he watches porn or a type of porn which is deal breaker for you, and he's lying to you about something that's a dealbreaker. There is nothing good about this man.

Going forward you probably need to have a conversation beforehand and make clear that hands on throat without asking is violating consent (same with hair pulling, slapping etc.) It's disgusting that you have to spell out consent to men, but here we are. Checking his search history was shit. But overall of course YNBU to dump him, or to expect men to seek consent.

Bit naive.

Just end it, a few weeks in and you're both walking red flags for each other. What on earth part of your psychology training would indicate there is a healthy future here.

Why are women still claiming that poor boundaries and lack of communication are the problem?

The problem is that so many men get off on boundary violation and lying.

Absolutely agree with this.

It’s obvious that the argument that watching certain types of porn is a fantasy and doesn’t shape who a person is in real life falls down when that person is non-consensually putting their hands around their partner’s neck.

It feels to me like there’s a bit of a male slant to the replies on this thread.

The only way to combat this is to have a conversation outside the bedroom before embarking on a sexual relationship.
Make it clear you're not into rough sex, spell it out if necessary. If they do anything you have not consented to, kick them out.

I also agree with this. When I got together with my now partner I had a conversation where I told him I'm not ok with strip clubs, porn, rough sex etc. It was awkward given we'd never even kissed but I'd rather have one slightly embarrassing conversation than risk feeling violated.

You are forgetting that she straight out asked him if he used porn and he lied. You seem to think "snooping" is worse than lying. I don't. I think a liar has no right to expect to be treated as if they are honest.

Yes! It’s an epidemic. I’m very very sorry it’s happening.

A GF argued with me today that what men watch online is not who they are

JFC does your GF live under a rock? Tell her to Google Gisele Pelicot!

Totally on your side OP. If you're sleeping with someone you're well within your rights to know if they're also watching hardcore pornography. You asked him outright and he lied which means he's violated your boundaries. Personally I wouldn't consent to sleep with someone if I knew they were watching porn, especially if it was violent or degrading. I don't know who decided that women have to put up with this shit but I certainly won't.

If you have a red flag about someone's behaviour in the bedroom, invading their privacy makes no difference to how he made you feel in that moment. Finding porn or not finding porn, he still grabbed OPs throat in a way she wasn't happy with. The rest didn't need to happen, as her feelings are valid without snooping.

This kind of behaviour is unfortunately very common due to heavy porn use. Like I said, the only way to combat it is to be clear on your boundaries before sleeping with them.

If they violate your boundaries, then that's a very good reason to immediately end the relationship. Don't second guess yourself.

Too bloody right.

I am not at all impressed by the women (maybe) on this thread who appear to think the worst thing in this situation is not the man straight out lying to a woman about who he is so he can get through her entirely legitimate sexual boundaries and get her knickers off and then assaulting her, but that she had the audacity to violate his privacy and prove he lied.

I would not date someone who watches misogynistic porn and especially not where they have allowed the porn companies shape their sexual behaviour with me.

If men are enjoying images of women being abused, of course this is reflecting and shaping their attitude to women. Its ridiculous to pretend it is not.

If a man enjoyed watching lots of footage of black men being degraded and tortured no-one would pretend he was not a racist.

So why do we pretend men can masturbate and ejaculate to women being degraded and sexually abused yet this does not reflect their attitude to women?

Yep, it's all her fault - and she snooped. Must be something seriously wrong with her. Poor bloke.

I'd actually separate the issues - the really really bad one is that he tried to do violent stuff in bed without a conversation/boundary setting beforehand. It's maybe academically interesting if he's doing this because porn has normalized it to him, but practically speaking you haven't gained anything by going through his history - you're still going out with a guy who is willing to cross your boundaries. Also, if our sexual culture is becoming more "pornified" then the individual man might not have to watch porn to pick up on it.

Have you asked any of these men why they thought it was OK to try to choke you or pull your hair? Maybe you have to be direct instead of talking about "porn and its influences" as they might not have made the connection themselves. Personally, this is all too academic for me - he'd be out the door after one choking attempt. I would tell him why I was dumping him though, in the hope that it might make him reflect on his behaviour.

Do you still like him? What is the issue here, exactly? You’ve discovered he’s a creep.

I wouldn’t give a fuck about what porn he watches and no gangbangs aren’t ‘rapey,’ whatever the hell that means.

The issue is the way he’s treated you during sex. You don’t need to look at someone’s porn history to think that should be the final straw

I don’t think policing the language of a woman whose partner has already performed an aggressive act during sex without her consent is particularly helpful.

Women are so conditioned to accept transgression of their sexual boundaries that it’s not at all unusual for them to use terms like ‘rapey’ when searching for a way to discuss behaviour which doesn’t meet the legal definition of rape, but which is a clear breach of their boundaries. Women are used to being told they’re overreacting towards or somehow to blame for the behaviour of men towards them, and it hampers their use of clear and direct language.

OP is clearly trying to express a concern that the kind of porn her partner likes is the kind which generally exhibits women being used, treated roughly, shoved around, treated disrespectfully and physically pushed into various sex acts with multiple men. Regardless of the fact that the actors and actresses involved may have consented (but this is not guaranteed, given the links between sex trafficking and the porn industry), it says something about her partner’s attitude to sex and consent and that is what she is very reasonably concerned about. Instead of making hostile comments about a ‘disgusting term’, as though that is the real issue here, you could try offering empathy and advice to a woman coming to terms with a disturbing revelation about her partner and the way he behaves towards her.

I would be mortified if someone went through my search history!!

However he cannot grab your throat if you don't want him to - and you now know he's lied to you so after a few weeks it doesn't seem to be going great all round

I don't think you did anything wrong, he grabbed your throat ffs, you suspected he lied to you and all you did was check if he was, women are fully entitled to protect themselves from getting involved with violent, pornsick men, God knows no one else does. I'd walk away from this one.