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Original poster

PORN HISTORY

135 replies

rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 11:12

So I've been seeing a new man for a few weeks. All going fairly well, met OLD. Last night I saw his porn history. I checked his search history on his open laptop. I know it crosses a boundary (and would appreciate not exploring that today), BUT I just had a hunch that this man watches a lot of porn from the way he is in the bedroom (I've been through this before). Sure enough, there it was: "gang bangs" and "live cam" with women's names. A GF argued with me today that what men watch online is not who they are, but I am worried that this is not true.

OP posts:
Menace24 · 09/12/2024 13:55

FlirtsWithRhinos · 09/12/2024 13:48

You condemned her for snooping. Are you now agreeing it was ok given that he lied to her?

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Lying and snooping are both not ok. What I said was she wasn't happy with his aggressive behaviour so it didn't need to go any further, he's already shown his red flags. Porn is irrelevant. His actions are what's relevant. So if you only want to pick out the parts that fit your narrative then carry on.

FlirtsWithRhinos · 09/12/2024 13:48

Menace24 · 09/12/2024 13:09

Where did I say snooping is worse than lying?

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You condemned her for snooping. Are you now agreeing it was ok given that he lied to her?

Original poster
rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 13:46

Thatcastlethere · 09/12/2024 13:42

I don't think one single person here has suggested that what he's done isn't wrong.
Just that snooping isn't going to help you and is unhealthy.
But I think every single person here is saying you should definitely leave him.
And I have had marks around my neck and still do because I had a stab wound to the neck from a man.
It's not the moral high ground it's to protect you from getting drawn into toxic dynamics.
It must've been awful and I do feel for you but next time don't even ask him. Don't have a conversation. Trust yourself and your boundaries and end it there and then. I've been drawn into this bollocks myself.. don't discuss it with them. He violated your boundaries and that's the end of it. You don't need to snoop, you don't need to hear what he has to say about it. You know he's a piece of shit. Snooping is allowing yourself to be manipulated into a toxic abusive dynamic.

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I am so sorry that happened to you. Thank you for the advice, I get where its coming from now...

OP posts:
Thatcastlethere · 09/12/2024 13:42

rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 13:28

Yes, snooping is wrong I have owned that, but men lying about their porn addictions even when asked is also wrong, and taking that violation a step further and re-enacting porn scenarios without consent, then maintaining their lies is so many levels of violation that I just can't even compare it to an internet snoop. Maybe it's easier to take the moral high ground on the snooping when you don't have marks on your neck.

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I don't think one single person here has suggested that what he's done isn't wrong.
Just that snooping isn't going to help you and is unhealthy.
But I think every single person here is saying you should definitely leave him.
And I have had marks around my neck and still do because I had a stab wound to the neck from a man.
It's not the moral high ground it's to protect you from getting drawn into toxic dynamics.
It must've been awful and I do feel for you but next time don't even ask him. Don't have a conversation. Trust yourself and your boundaries and end it there and then. I've been drawn into this bollocks myself.. don't discuss it with them. He violated your boundaries and that's the end of it. You don't need to snoop, you don't need to hear what he has to say about it. You know he's a piece of shit. Snooping is allowing yourself to be manipulated into a toxic abusive dynamic.

Original poster
rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 13:38

GoldsolesLugs · 09/12/2024 13:31

Why on earth are you still with him if you describe him as "your abuser"?

I am not still with him. I told him today that I had looked at his search history, called him on being a boundary violator and a liar. He at first got upset about my looking at his laptop but then admitted that he was wrong, which was a first in this situation. FYI I am very short and petite he is twice my weight, and I explained how that felt for me in the moment. I apologised for snooping, and he apologised for not asking for consent before putting his hand around my throat although I still got the feeling he didn't really mean it. It was a row until things settled, but I've now blocked him. My GFs response worried me, as have some of the responses on here, which was the point of the post.

OP posts:
GoldsolesLugs · 09/12/2024 13:31

Why on earth are you still with him if you describe him as "your abuser"?

Original poster
rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 13:28

Thatcastlethere · 09/12/2024 13:24

Where did I say it was equal to it?
It is abuse though. You know that it is. I'm not trying to say he's not abusive himself. And me thinking you should not have snooped isn't about his well being it's about yours. I don't expect you to apologise. Approaching relationships differently in the future is great. It's just that you shouldn't have to do this.. I genuinely think you should leave before it gets to this point.
I'm not blaming you for what he did at all and it IS a violent act and he is a piece of shit. I just don't think snooping was necessary or kept you safe in any way because it could have backfired. It's not a healthy behaviour it doesn't help anyone. You luckily had what you thought confirmed but what if it hadn't been because he'd been careful with his history? It's a rabbit hole. It harms you psychologically at this point.
I'm glad you've left him and I'm sorry you went thru thar. I'm not trying to be harsh to you I just strongly believe it's a fools errand to snoop. I've been at both sides of a situation like this.

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Yes, snooping is wrong I have owned that, but men lying about their porn addictions even when asked is also wrong, and taking that violation a step further and re-enacting porn scenarios without consent, then maintaining their lies is so many levels of violation that I just can't even compare it to an internet snoop. Maybe it's easier to take the moral high ground on the snooping when you don't have marks on your neck.

OP posts:
Ggmores · 09/12/2024 13:27

You’ve both overstepped boundaries. There is no future in the relationship. Next time initiate the conversations about sex and your boundaries before sex. Sex without consent is quite a common fantasy for women too, it doesn’t mean they want to be raped, it’s a fantasy.

lunar1 · 09/12/2024 13:25

Yeah that's exactly what I said.

Thatcastlethere · 09/12/2024 13:24

rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 13:18

choking and snooping are in no way equal in terms of "abuse". No, my snooping did not cancel out his abusive behaviour, but it satisfied my "It this another porn addicted man?" instincts and I was right. So now, after discovering that, and posting on here I am going to change how I approach intimate relationships, but I am not going to apologise for checking an abuser's search history. EVER. FYI, it's the first thing the police would do if I had reported him to them because choking is a violent act.

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Where did I say it was equal to it?
It is abuse though. You know that it is. I'm not trying to say he's not abusive himself. And me thinking you should not have snooped isn't about his well being it's about yours. I don't expect you to apologise. Approaching relationships differently in the future is great. It's just that you shouldn't have to do this.. I genuinely think you should leave before it gets to this point.
I'm not blaming you for what he did at all and it IS a violent act and he is a piece of shit. I just don't think snooping was necessary or kept you safe in any way because it could have backfired. It's not a healthy behaviour it doesn't help anyone. You luckily had what you thought confirmed but what if it hadn't been because he'd been careful with his history? It's a rabbit hole. It harms you psychologically at this point.
I'm glad you've left him and I'm sorry you went thru thar. I'm not trying to be harsh to you I just strongly believe it's a fools errand to snoop. I've been at both sides of a situation like this.

Fluufer · 09/12/2024 13:21

rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 13:18

choking and snooping are in no way equal in terms of "abuse". No, my snooping did not cancel out his abusive behaviour, but it satisfied my "It this another porn addicted man?" instincts and I was right. So now, after discovering that, and posting on here I am going to change how I approach intimate relationships, but I am not going to apologise for checking an abuser's search history. EVER. FYI, it's the first thing the police would do if I had reported him to them because choking is a violent act.

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That was just a really long way of saying women are responsible for male behaviour really. Apparently we need to add gaining mind reading abilities to our to do list rather than expect men not to be misogynistic, aggressive liars.

Original poster
rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 13:21

lunar1 · 09/12/2024 13:19

He's not here to answer questions, you are. This relationship is new, and you have both overstepped a line, his worse than yours.

You're an intelligent woman, and you should want better for yourself.

Checking someone phone is what people in long term relationships with intertwined commitments and lots to lose do.

It's a few weeks of dating, walk away and save yourself the drama.

Yes, my abuser has no voice. I am kind of okay with that...

OP posts:
lunar1 · 09/12/2024 13:19

He's not here to answer questions, you are. This relationship is new, and you have both overstepped a line, his worse than yours.

You're an intelligent woman, and you should want better for yourself.

Checking someone phone is what people in long term relationships with intertwined commitments and lots to lose do.

It's a few weeks of dating, walk away and save yourself the drama.

Original poster
rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 13:18

Thatcastlethere · 09/12/2024 13:13

You know it's wrong. It's abusive. That doesn't mean what he did wasn't abusive. It doesn't mean you should ever have anything to do with him again. But you know it's not right. And it's about the impact of you behaving like that on you. What if you hadn't found anything?? How would you have felt then? It would have made it more confusing.
But you know something is wrong. If the trust is gone then end it. It's never OK to snoop imo.
One abusive behaviour doesn't cancel out another it just leads to a really toxic unhealthy situation. It wasn't protecting yourself because you already knew.
I say this regarding cheating as well. If you think your partner is cheating just leave. You don't need evidence. The lack of trust is enough.
Imo more women would be protected by just having confidence enough in themselves and their reactions. We are taught we need a reason to give up. We are raised to be quite invasive to hang on to relationships or work them out or whatever... you do not need to do any of that. Just walk away. Trust your instincts and walk away. Don't lower yourself to any man's nonsense.

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choking and snooping are in no way equal in terms of "abuse". No, my snooping did not cancel out his abusive behaviour, but it satisfied my "It this another porn addicted man?" instincts and I was right. So now, after discovering that, and posting on here I am going to change how I approach intimate relationships, but I am not going to apologise for checking an abuser's search history. EVER. FYI, it's the first thing the police would do if I had reported him to them because choking is a violent act.

OP posts:
Original poster
rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 13:14

lunar1 · 09/12/2024 13:08

And what would you say to a client who was checking their boyfriend's search history after a few weeks?

That is impossible to answer as a hypothetical without the history of the client. But I'll play along: I'd ask them why they felt the need to do it, which would lead to an admission about a violent sexual act in the bedroom without consent, at which point there might be a discussion about reporting it to the police because what so many porn makes and users are choosing to ignore is that choking is a violent act, which can lead to death. However, it has been normalised that choking is the new sexual foreplay in mainstream porn, which was the very reason I asked him about porn and then checked in on his lie. Surely the question should be, "what would I say to a client who admits to choking a woman without consent?" See the difference in the mindset? You are questioning my actions, not his?

OP posts:
Chariots77 · 09/12/2024 13:14

Whatever line you may have crossed by looking at his search history, this comes nowhere close to the massive boundary he's leapt over by grabbing your throat without consent! This is absolutely a no-go without a serious conversation beforehand. Hope you're OK, op 💐

Thatcastlethere · 09/12/2024 13:13

rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 13:05

My safety boundaries were violated, and I was lied to. I knew what I would find. I wanted to satisfy that curiosity so I could establish a pattern of behaviour that I am experiencing in boundary violating men, but society and men pleasers have been busy telling me for years that men's boundaries are more important than mine. How many cheating men whine on and on about their wives looking at their phones?!! I snooped, but If it keeps another woman safe, then I am all good with looking at his history because I am not alone in being treated like this. Snooping never killed anyone, choking in the bedroom has killed many women.

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You know it's wrong. It's abusive. That doesn't mean what he did wasn't abusive. It doesn't mean you should ever have anything to do with him again. But you know it's not right. And it's about the impact of you behaving like that on you. What if you hadn't found anything?? How would you have felt then? It would have made it more confusing.
But you know something is wrong. If the trust is gone then end it. It's never OK to snoop imo.
One abusive behaviour doesn't cancel out another it just leads to a really toxic unhealthy situation. It wasn't protecting yourself because you already knew.
I say this regarding cheating as well. If you think your partner is cheating just leave. You don't need evidence. The lack of trust is enough.
Imo more women would be protected by just having confidence enough in themselves and their reactions. We are taught we need a reason to give up. We are raised to be quite invasive to hang on to relationships or work them out or whatever... you do not need to do any of that. Just walk away. Trust your instincts and walk away. Don't lower yourself to any man's nonsense.

Crikeyalmighty · 09/12/2024 13:10

One of the reasons some people are snooping is because this kind of thing is now so common and men it seems have no qualms in lying about it- it's a shame people feel the need to but having been on the receiving end these days of someone lying about all this stuff and being very tied financially , I'm personally into self preservation and knowing what you are dealing with - don't care if it's porn, sexting, dating sites - basically any stuff that on a personal loyalty level I'm not ok with . Not good I know-

Menace24 · 09/12/2024 13:09

FlirtsWithRhinos · 09/12/2024 12:41

You are forgetting that she straight out asked him if he used porn and he lied. You seem to think "snooping" is worse than lying. I don't. I think a liar has no right to expect to be treated as if they are honest.

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Where did I say snooping is worse than lying?

lunar1 · 09/12/2024 13:08

And what would you say to a client who was checking their boyfriend's search history after a few weeks?

Original poster
rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 13:05

Thatcastlethere · 09/12/2024 13:01

You are being unreasonable to have looked through his stuff obviously. You do not need to do that. If what he does in the bedroom makes you uncomfortable then end it with him. You don't need any type of backup or evidence. Please don't do this again. It's abusive to rummage through people's personal property and there is not justification for it. You already knew. Trust yourself and have confidence in your own boundaries. Don't stoop to abusive invasive behaviour. I don't mean this in a harsh way. Next time don't bother looking. If it doesn't feel right, have the confidence to just end it. You don't need a concrete reason. You know what you feel.

My safety boundaries were violated, and I was lied to. I knew what I would find. I wanted to satisfy that curiosity so I could establish a pattern of behaviour that I am experiencing in boundary violating men, but society and men pleasers have been busy telling me for years that men's boundaries are more important than mine. How many cheating men whine on and on about their wives looking at their phones?!! I snooped, but If it keeps another woman safe, then I am all good with looking at his history because I am not alone in being treated like this. Snooping never killed anyone, choking in the bedroom has killed many women.

OP posts:
Thatcastlethere · 09/12/2024 13:01

You are being unreasonable to have looked through his stuff obviously. You do not need to do that. If what he does in the bedroom makes you uncomfortable then end it with him. You don't need any type of backup or evidence. Please don't do this again. It's abusive to rummage through people's personal property and there is not justification for it. You already knew. Trust yourself and have confidence in your own boundaries. Don't stoop to abusive invasive behaviour. I don't mean this in a harsh way. Next time don't bother looking. If it doesn't feel right, have the confidence to just end it. You don't need a concrete reason. You know what you feel.

Willyoujustbequiet · 09/12/2024 13:00

rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 12:57

I would rather, "Something is up with the men."

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Exactly.

You've done nothing wrong OP. Self protection at the end of the day. Very wise if you ask me.

Original poster
rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 12:57

Willyoujustbequiet · 09/12/2024 12:50

Bit naive.

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I would rather, "Something is up with the men."

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Original poster
rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 12:56

lunar1 · 09/12/2024 12:47

Just end it, a few weeks in and you're both walking red flags for each other. What on earth part of your psychology training would indicate there is a healthy future here.

therapists and counsellors do face the same issues in relationships as other people; we make mistakes, are vulnerable and we are not our jobs.

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