PORN HISTORY

OP, having read as many comments as I could before my blood boiled, I admire your courteous and reasoned responses.

But it is terrifying how many people will try to undermine a woman’s survival instinct. Searching his history gave you a useful confirmation of what you suspected from his behaviour. You had every right. No one has the right to demand that you immediately dump him, without seeking further information, if you’d felt inclined to give him a second chance.

Shame on anyone who discourages a woman from seeking relevant information (eg on violent fantasies) about a man she is allowing into her bed. When it’s women discouraging other women from doing so, that’s just incomprehensible.

Yeah, I keep attracting BDSM weirdos as well. Wish they would fuck off, with or without their stupid cock cages and other assorted fetishes.

And no, nothing about me says dominatrix either, unless dominatrixes (dominatrices?) tend to shop in Marks and Spencer and wear sensible shoes.

IMO the issue is around consent, not hair pulling etc taking place at all.

OP doesn’t consent to it, and that’s absolutely fair and shouldn’t be overstepped. Should have been established before it happened etc.

But, separately, there are others who do, and that is also fair - surely. Everyone has their own boundaries.

It’s frightening how quickly and easily normality can be changed. If a man had grabbed my throat when I was dating, I would have run a mile from him.

I was sexually actively for many years before I married, and I had some bad experiences. But never, during a consensual sexual encounter, did a man try to choke me or even pull my hair. I never heard of that, and nor did any of my friends, as far as I know. If a man tried anything aggressive, you would dump him — never give him the chance to do it again.

I’ve been married over 20 years. Now, thanks to violent pornography being readily accessible to all ages, a generation has grown up thinking male violence is a routine part of sex.

I can’t believe what I’m reading here. A man chokes a woman during sex, and the woman is at fault for finding out what she can about him before letting him near her again?

Is doing a Claire’s Law request also a ‘violation’ of a man’s rights? Does his right to privacy outweigh a woman’s right to physical safety?

OP, you were wise to check his porn history. A man who gets off on fantasies of violence against women is not someone you want in your life. Especially when we now know how often the women used in porn are trafficked, or drug-addicted or vulnerable in other ways. There is real abuse there.

I’m disgusted by the amount of minimising and victim-blaming on this thread.

OP, never feel guilty or intimidated about protecting yourself.

You're not alone. My most recent ex didn't like doing it but claimed his ex had and that if I asked most of my friends I'd be surprised as they probably would too.

I absolutely cannot stand hands anywhere near my throat. I've come to expect that most men watch porn to some degree but I absolutely wouldn't date someone whose behaviour was influenced by it.

Agreed, in the worst cases men use the things they’ve seen in porn to either cross boundaries or harm people without their consent.

But - in line with what you’re saying, in the other (and better) cases, those ideas are part of a consensual and willing sexual relationship that both people want.

The ones that use them as an act of violence, like OPs experience, are dickheads to begin with, they’re encouraged by what they can see on line.

It is possible to have a consensual relationship that has elements of BDSM/kink/anything seen in porn, but there’s just also those who misuse it.

100% same.

I agree with you but I think it's nuanced. I think people can (should be able to) separate fantasy and reality. So if a woman engages in a rape fantasy it obviously doesn't mean that she actually wants to be raped, right? Similarly, a man could fantasize about a woman who really wanted him to choke her or something while recognizing that it's essentially a story, not reality and that this is not something that you should just do to women without consent.

This has no bearing on how women should behave when men put their hands round their throat without consent though - that is unambiguous.

It doesn't sound like you want convincing the porns okay, more that you're justified in your thinking.

He watches porn, not the end of the world.
He grabbed your throat, misguided yes and if you communicated you didn't like it and he doesn't do it again I can't see an issue.

He told you he didn't watch porn, alright he wasn't being honest but it's quite a personal thing!

Just break it off and move on! You don't sound like you even like him!

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of him besides you OP. He watches porn, which you don't agree with. He grabbed you by the throat. Don't waste any more time with him. He's not right for you!

I'm over 40 and would have no time for this

Tbh those seem like quite generic/non problematic things to be searching for. On the other hand he has lied to you about watching it, and he obviously has issues of shame/denial around it. Maybe you two are just not compatible.

On point 2 - I think it would depend on how much porn, and what content, you’d be okay with.

You could ask every man if they watched it and what. Some would lie, for sure, and I’d say most would say they watch it at all.

The only suggestion I’d have is making clear at the start of any relationship that porn is a non-negotiable for you, if it is.

It would mean having a conversation about sexual preferences very early, and might not change anything if they’re not truthful, but apart from guessing somehow what their porn use is, I’m out of ideas!

Spotting them in the wild and online at first glance is going to be pretty much impossible, but it may be worth (although I accept it’s not the most sexy chat to have) discussing sex before you actually get to the point of having sex. Discuss likes/dislikes, anything that you absolutely don’t want to try, anything you’re not comfortable with. Have those chats beforehand, figure out if even on that basic level you do have common sexual interests, it may be that once you say no to X Y Z the person decides they’re no longer interested and that’s okay, equally if someone tells you they want to do A and B you can cut it off and say actually you’re not sexually compatible. Having the discussion beforehand also gets rid of the “ah well I like this so I thought you might so I tried it” if you’ve explicitly said beforehand no to those things.

For all there’s a lot of negative chat about BDSM relationships sometimes this is really one thing that (when done well) they can get very right, there are open conversations there before you ever get naked with another person about limits, boundaries and consent in a way that in your day to day life we don’t tend to do.

To me there’s 2 issues here, one much bigger than the other.

1. The acts during sex that you’re not comfortable with, like choking, not okay and you absolutely can and should express that. Some women like it, some women don’t, it’s really a conversation best to be had beforehand, if I was being generous I’d say maybe he has previously had partners who enjoyed that and it’s something he enjoys so he thought it okay to try and see. We don’t explicitly ask about every single thing we do during foreplay/sex beforehand, but anything you are not okay with- say so. Although it sounds like you won’t see this one again anyway.

2. The porn, I think most people have the automatic reply of “not often, haven’t in ages, nothing weird” when asked about porn use. I can’t imagine many people when getting to know someone would come out and say “yeah I watch porn every other day, gangbangs and bondage mostly”. Snooping to get information isn’t okay, if you don’t believe his answer and it doesn’t sit right with you then again I’d walk away immediately anyway. What’s the point snooping when it doesn’t change the lack of trust you have anyway?

I don’t care at all that you checked his porn history. Fgs you’ve been his sexual partner, what crazy boundaries is this when you can get naked with someone , they throttle you when you’re naked, and you’re not entitled to look at their laptop?!
I agree that the throat grabbing was enough to dump him, but I’m sure you were utterly frazzled and looking for a grounding corroboration in the midst of your shock.

Ok. I disagree. I think the porn and the lying are indicators of his attitude to women and the choking is a manifestation of that attitude. It's all part of the same thing.

A narrative that ignores the lying and the porn in favour of just the point at which he laid his hands on her minimises the lack of respect that enables it, and a narrative that castigates a victim for violating the privacy of the person who mistreated her is an age old tactic to minimise and delegitimise women's complaints about men's behaviour. And while I'm not saying you are doing this on purpose, you are helping to reinforce that norm.

Basically, she was right in her belief that his choking was part of a pattern. That information helps her make more informed decisions in future, and it's information she can share with other women to help them make better decisions. But she only knows that because she snooped.

thought it was okay to grab my throat without a convo.

This is the point where you decide that this is not someone you want to see again. And not see them again. Not go into his laptop to try and analyse why he's grabbing you by the throat. It doesn't matter.

I think (?) what OP meant is, is there a link between certain sexual behaviour, and porn. There undoubtedly is.

Men use porn to get ideas of what they want/like, and in worst cases transfer that into the bedroom non-consensually because they believe women should behave like porn stars. Which is what this guy has done here.

Apologies if I’ve misunderstood!