PORN HISTORY

Just curious do you talk to your husband about your fantasies?

I never said anything about teaching men ? So you’ve miss understood that by a mile.

I thought the OP was asking for advice on how to deal with the search history, and the rough sex so I was asking if she had already addressed what he had done when it happened, or not ?

Looks like he crossed a much bigger line first, during sex.

Which prompted the op's suspicions and heavily contributed to her "crossing a line".

I don't agree with that anyway, a bit of a snoop has saved many a woman from misery.

I wouldn't say so.

Porn use is endemic.

(And furthermore it's escalating into cam sex use).

As soon as home internet connections were standard, that happened; but it's even more the case due to smart phones, where you don't even have to arse around with a pc or laptop.

And of course the porn sites have just gotten bigger and bigger.

I think it's very common, as well, for the amount (and nature) of the porn men are watching to warp their view & practice of sex.

Are you going to talk to him about it ? X

Why?

Women aren't here to teach me that porn isn't real sex and that they need to get consent for rough sex.

If they can't figure those out on their own .... It doesn't say much good about them; they're not projects to teach obvious things about being a decent human.

When he went for your throat did you address it with him that you thought it was bang out of order and made you feel uncomfortable ?

The point is - a well.adjusted man wouldn't have done it in the first place.

When he went for your throat did you address it with him that you thought it was bang out of order and made you feel uncomfortable ? Now you’ve snooped on his laptop you know he’s lying when you questioned him about porn. Hindsight though if you didn’t ask him.
Are you going to talk to him about it ? X

Or do you want to have a discussion about how hard it is to find non porn sick men?

It's absolutely valid, if you do.

because he (like so many deluded men) thought it was okay to grab my throat without a convo.

He did something you're (entirely understandably) put off by during sex.

You suspected it's at least in part because he's a regular porn user - and not of the "couple having nice sex" type of porn ....(which absolutely does exist, even on mainstream porn sites, believe it or not) and you were right.

You also confirmer he lied about the frequency and type of porn.

So, with respect, what's left to discuss (re him, I mean)?

Nope, I’m not.

Also think “going on” might be a stretch. I was more pointing out that unless everyone abstains fully, we will generally have to speak to men, and if consent can’t be assumed (which is true), then those conversations should involve not giving it?

It’s quite weird that that’s what you take from what I wrote tbh. Quite a brutal experience and you’re just going on about well some women like that…. Are you a guy?

I did.

My difficulty is that some are happy for those things to take place, and would give consent - which is why a choice should be given either way.

I don’t necessarily think it should have to be lead by the woman, just that some form of communication should happen before any of that occurs, so that consent can either be given or not.

I do agree that discussing it won’t help with someone who’s going to do it anyway though, unfortunately.

I'm not saying it doesn't matter, in terms of what you want out of a relationship, far from it.

I'm saying that if someone has grabbed you by the throat during sex against your wishes, then the reason behind it isn't yours to uncover. You might go looking for the reason in a laptop. You could find the porn you were looking for to corroborate that theory, yet the real reason they did it be one of many other potential issues. I'm suggesting that you don't waste your energy sleuthing it out.

I don't think you're going to weed them out any way other than being fully frank and having some up front conversations about sex and your expectations, before you hit the sack. And even then, humans can say one thing and do another. Be prepared to be very clear about your boundaries, which is what you will and won't accept, not what you want the other person to do or not do, and at the first sniff of something that is unacceptable to you, be out of there.

@Planesmistakenforstars yeah you shouldn’t have to ask a guy not to hurt you before sleeping with him? And when you do, do you think a guy who gets off on violence against women is going to pay much notice?

I’m sorry but did you read my post? I said it doesn’t matter whether you discuss it beforehand, many guys just do what they want anyway. That’s way too big a risk for me.
Also, some guys think because you say no on one occasion it just means that specific time and any future encounters are a free for all.

@SleeplessInWherever
Apologises if I’m being dim here, but would that discussion not be the consent part?

I think that @theresabluebirdinmyheart is saying that it's sick that women feel the need to have a discussion first so they are not assaulted during sex. The expectation should be that they are not assaulted during sex as a default. The onus should be on the person with a preference for that to bring it up beforehand and ask about consent. And then of course not do it if they don't get consent, which also appears just too much to ask for some men.

Apologises if I’m being dim here, but would that discussion not be the consent part?

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a discussion that means both are able to express their preferences, which should then be followed.

I appreciate that there are those who then don’t follow those preferences, but if for whatever reason you don’t want celibacy, then isn’t communication the right starting point?

I don't know why everyone is up in arms. He strangled you and watched filmed rape. Who gives a fuck if you invaded his privacy.

Happy to help!

Mind you some of those kinky types probably get off on the Dewey Decimal too, especially if you quoted it to them (can you quote DD??) while clamping their nipples or similar. I mean is that really any less weird than wanting to be cuckolded or to have your genitals caged like a gerbil?

Would be lovely to find a nice, normal chap who wanted nice, normal sex and a nice, normal relationship.