I AM FUMING!!!!!! SUGGESTIONS PLEASE

You and yours are enemy number one in her eyes, I would walk away from the lot of them, they are too scared to listen to anyone nor believe anyone without her say so.
You know the truth and you don’t need to prove it nor will they go against her by opening their eyes and mind.
You will get members of the family who your mum will fall out with coming to you for sympathy and to find out your version of the truth, they will be shocked but as soon as they are welcomed back into the fold they will dismiss it as lies. All those who are too frightened to say anything to her are enabling her including the man who brought you up.

@pinkgirl2018 sorry, but wtf are you talking about? What a strange way to kick someone when their down 🤔

""be compliant, complicit and complacent" like a dutiful daughter, lest you stir up any trouble! Momma knows best. "

The entire family are tools to bolster up her ego, of course golden child is her son, opposite gender child, that she doesn't compete with. He's the novelty and she remains the Queen Bee.

Get thee to the therapist.

I'd be tempted to flip it all and go for the killing her with kindness approach as she can't seem to deal with confrontation. Don't get me wrong, I know you are understandably angry, but think about the best way to deal with her to get the information you need without all the drama. After you get the information you need you can then make a decision if you still want her in your life going forward.

This, 100%.

"I still would rather say nothing than have to listen to her scream to everyone that I am horrible and then recieve messages telling me to apologise to her for nothing."

Your mother isn't going to tell you the truth no matter what you say or do. She'll lie, obfuscate, and then scream, threaten, and send nasty message about you to the family. But she will never admit to an affair so she'll spread her 'rape' story far and wide. Once again making herself the victim. Actually a 'double victim'. First a victim of a mythical rape, then a victim of your 'victimization'.

I think that as much as you probably don't want to blare your biological father's version of the story to the family at large, it may be that doing it at the right time could save a lot of heartache and hassle. Or maybe not, if she's got everyone so in the FOG that they'd gladly stand outside on a clear blue day and say the sky is green if it will shut her up.

If I was determined to push the issue with her I'd plan some preemptive and/or counter- strikes:

First, I'd prepare an email to family members detailing what you have found out. Have it ready to send in an instant.

Next, tell your dad (as an adoptee, I believe that 'dad' or 'real dad' is the man who raised you) the truth as you know it. He deserves to know the truth regardless, or if he already knows, that you now know the truth. If things end up 'going public' he deserves to know ahead of time and not be blindsided.

Then 'have the conversation' with your mother. Do not tell her that you're prepared to go nuclear. Although I think there are better chances of hell freezing over, give her the chance to come clean. Let her know that your bio dad has told you the truth about the affair. Emphasis on truth and that you believe him.

As soon as you're off the phone with her and at your own discretion, push 'send' on that email to those who are likely to be contacted by her and have their ears filled with venom. This will hopefully get the truth to them before she can dial their numbers. Whether or not this ameliorates the situation and 'tones down' their reaction you need to decide for yourself.

OR you can accept at face value your bio dad's version and forgo any further action with your mum. Sounds to me as if either way she's going to vilify you so you may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb.

This may be the straw that breaks your camel's back with NC being the result. If you feel you'd lose the rest of your family, think about whether her vileness is really worth keeping them. They haven't got your back anyway, what's the point of them?

Narcissists don’t like being unmasked and will do anything to stop it happening. Your mum denied it and tried to get you to drop it but your results were on your kids dna matches too and you didn’t drop it. She then felt very threatened and she shed crocodile tears and whipped out her rape story but you still wouldn’t let it lie. Narcissists don’t like people going against their wishes so she starts a smear campaign against you claiming you have done some evil and devastating against her and she is so heartbroken she has washed her hands off you. People seeing her tears and distress will be so angry on her behalf they turn against you also and if you ever try to clear your name they won’t believe you.
classic narcissistic behaviour

Fuck me this is horrible.
Your poor poor boy. I’ve experienced something similar at 12 by my grandmother. it scarred me and my self esteem for ever regarding said thing I couldn’t do (in her eyes).

On another hand… imagine being in a police interview with this woman or being a part of an investigation. - it’s scary!

Just again confirming. Our son was born one year before marriage. We got married and had to re-register his birth. It's apparently because otherwise, if there was a problem with our wills when we died, the children born within marriage are legally entitled to more and re-registering prevents this issue. Something like that. The person registering his birth was very insistent we'd need to re-register after marriage.

If your mother is lying about being raped, it sounds like she won’t back down on the lie. I would be careful how you push this point with her (or anyone else) in case she does report your bio father as a rapist. It could destroy his life even if she can’t prove it.

I got told some similar shite by some snotty cow on the Samaritans helpline when I was 12 and in mental turmoil when I found out I was a product of an affair.
It's not OPs dirty secret and she has nothing to keep quiet about.

They're not older than 17 and the OP has never said that She has said that the ages of her children are 17 and 15 respectively, and that it is the 17-year-old who wishes to become a psychiatrist.

The 17-year-old is studying with the hopes of being a psychiatrist in the future. So OP yes, did not using the specifically accurate term when she said he was "training" to be a psychiatrist. But it's hardly a lie in this scenario. She just didn't use the technically correct phrase.

Do you mean he wants to be a psychologist? As in he's planning on studying psychology at university rather than medicine.

Go and meet your potential biological father!!!!!!!! Your mother is lieing and removing you so that you don't spill the beans!!! Go and meet him!!! This isn't about her. It's about YOU!!!!

I just feel like at this point you're just stirring a pot.

It is disappointing but possibly you have found your biological father and have the opportunity to have a relationship if he's interested in going that far. You dad who raised you probably knows but doesn't want to face it. Why force it. What good can possibly come from it.

If you can't forgive your mom. Just distance yourself.

Given that OP was only born in in 1987/88 I very much doubt her DC are much older than 17. It's not just the age anyway. It is the whole part about him going on mental health training courses with work placements- it is not how people become psychiatrists.

There won’t be any. I think we can discount most of this posters posts as nonsense to be honest. It sounds mean but I think they need less air time.

I'd be interested in seeing which posts by the OP you think support this.

I have seen you post on other threads in a way that suggests you might not have had much opportunity for emotional growth. I think you are horribly horribly wrong here, to the point of being quite mean. Just for a moment imagine this was you and your mother LIED about you in order to keep the truth from being exposed. No thought to your emotional well-being. All about herself. May be you were lucky to have a mother that did consider your emotional well-being and wouldn’t dream of lying about you. May be you struggle with imagination or empathy. You need to drop this idea though as it’s at best irritating and unhelpful and at worst harmful and hurtful.

It is meant to be an interesting present. I did it (a history nerd) with 23andme and found that I am related to some people who were around during the Viking times. I also found out where my ancestors had come from.

If you are interested in family history( and lots of people are based on the magazines, TV shows and these kits), then it can be fun. No one expects to uncover a decades old secret like this .

Oh lord above. I often post threads with slight alterations to ages, gender, details. So that it’s not too outing. The op was just using a certain turn of phrase and if he knows what he wants to do already then it makes sense. It’s really not the point.