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Original poster

I AM FUMING!!!!!! SUGGESTIONS PLEASE

632 replies

Buttonsmum67 · 09/12/2024 10:29

I will preface this by saying my mother is queen Narcissist.

Last year I did a DNA Ancestry test with my kids for a fun present. My youngest's came back with a random name as his maternal grandfather- then my eldest's came back with the same thing. Then mine with this random man as my father.

I with the help of friends managed to send my mother a message asking for an explanation. She said it must be wrong etc and told me to stop being ridiculous. At this point I did another one and it came back with the same match as before with this random man.

I messaged again and said I wanted answers now. She turned up at my house at 5am in floods of tears saying she had been attacked by a man and she had thought she had got rid of me with the morning after pill and then two months later found out she was pregnant again and had thought it was a miracle to come from something so horrible (she thought I was my dad's, as in my dad who bought me up). She asked me to promise that I would never say anything to anyone as it would ruin her marriage.

When we matched with this other gentlemen he messaged me immediately asking wtf was going on. I told him my mothers name trying to gauge any panic from him and he wrote back a long message saying basically omg we had a couple of months long affair when I was working with her- he mentioned my dads name and that they used to meet while my dad was working nights etc and she called it all off when my dad asked her to marry him. He has asked to meet but I have put that on the back burner for now as I don't know which story is true. And before anyone judges me about saying I don't think my mother would lie about being attacked, she has lied about having serious illness before to get out of arguments she created.

She then began what I can only describe as a hate campaign against me- making up stories to my siblings and dad about how she had had to borrow me money etc and I wasn't paying it back- none of which were true.

Since last year we now never speak. I have messaged and called my dad and even turned up at their house to speak to him and he has said his loyalties lie with my mother and I have greatly upset her with my behaviour. I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING! Every time I call his phone she picks up and says you won't be saying anything will you.

When I say she was abusive growing up I am in therapy as still in my 30s I struggle to stand up to her.

This morning my aunts messaged me saying about my brothers weddings (He is her golden child and doesn't make any effort to contact me or my sister back). I haven't been invited. I am seething.

I feel like drinking a bottle of wine and writing to every member of my family what has happened to stop this bull, but I also don't want to ruin my dads life. He is so under the thumb with her I don't think he'd kick off anyway.

But here I am sitting a year later left on my own thinking I'm a product of rape and now being completely cut out of the family. My mother says she was attacked, my biological dad said they were having a fully consensual affair, I haven't told him what my mum said.

But I feel like I am keeping a massive secret for the benefit of everyone else and now I am the one being ostracised. I am so upset I am being cut out.

OP posts:
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6
HotCrossBunplease · 09/12/2024 11:45

Buttonsmum67 · 09/12/2024 11:41

Yes. If I try and start any conversation where she is in the wrong or feels backed into a corner she starts screeching and crying and saying she wishes she wasn't alive etc. It is extremely triggering for me so I prefer to text :)

Show quote history

But that was not a situation where you’d have been suggesting she was wrong. Surely the starting point would have been to say that you’d understand whatever the reason was, but that it was important for you to understand more about your origins?

Original poster
Buttonsmum67 · 09/12/2024 11:44

MathsMum3 · 09/12/2024 11:42

I think you must make contact with your biological father and find out what really happened: rape or consensual affair. I know it will be his word against your mother's, but I think if you meet f-2-f you will be able to guage if he is telling the truth. For example, he may be able to give details about where your mother was living, who her friends were, etc., which would lend support to the consensual affair story.
Then you can speak to your (non-biological) father better armed. But either way, I would want the truth out in the open as it seems to be affecting relationships with your siblings. At the end of the day, you have hard evidence that the father you grew up with is not your biological father, which is absolutely no way your fault, and no reasonable person could hold that against you.

He has given me quite a bit, told me what job they met at. Told me where they used to meet for drinks etc whilst my dad was working. He mentioned some of the people they used to work with, one of whom is my godfather so it doesn't sound like a random attack, but then again obviously attacks can also happen within consensual relationships.

OP posts:
Jumell · 09/12/2024 11:44

Duckswaddle · 09/12/2024 10:43

I’d be interested in meeting the man you matched with - sounds like his story is more plausible given what your mother is like.
She will panic if she finds out and it will bring things to the surface.

THIS .

Sympathies to you OP

This sounds horrible

MathsMum3 · 09/12/2024 11:42

I think you must make contact with your biological father and find out what really happened: rape or consensual affair. I know it will be his word against your mother's, but I think if you meet f-2-f you will be able to guage if he is telling the truth. For example, he may be able to give details about where your mother was living, who her friends were, etc., which would lend support to the consensual affair story.
Then you can speak to your (non-biological) father better armed. But either way, I would want the truth out in the open as it seems to be affecting relationships with your siblings. At the end of the day, you have hard evidence that the father you grew up with is not your biological father, which is absolutely no way your fault, and no reasonable person could hold that against you.

NigelHarmansNewWife · 09/12/2024 11:42

Maddy70 · 09/12/2024 10:58

I would suck it up. Ancestry things are so destructive. Your mum had a secret. That was hers to keep tbh things were different then.

You are blowing up the whole family by announcing this. For what? Why upset your dad?

If you tell everyone so you think they will all come running to you? What outcome will you have?

The OP is the victim of her mother's failure to tell the truth and to now perpetuate a lie. It's not the OP's responsibility, this is all on her mother.

Foreverhope1 · 09/12/2024 11:41

Hi OP,

Enough is enough... you need to let the family know what you have uncovered.

I understand upsetting your non-bio dad if this was something else entirely, but he is not the wronged party , as a father he's choosing to alienate you, he has agency over how he responds etc.

Your mum is plainly cruel, zero maternal instincts re your welfare.

Ultimately you may go NC after this, but at least you'll have shared your side and whether they decide to acknowledge how this has affected you or not, is a cross they'll have to bear.

For the sake of your children and immediate family, you have to put your feelings first.

Original poster
Buttonsmum67 · 09/12/2024 11:41

HotCrossBunplease · 09/12/2024 11:40

I with the help of friends managed to send my mother a message asking for an explanation.

Is there a reason why you did this instead of going to see her in person and introducing the subject carefully in a conversation? I’m not surprised she had a knee-jerk response, and now it has all escalated.

Yes. If I try and start any conversation where she is in the wrong or feels backed into a corner she starts screeching and crying and saying she wishes she wasn't alive etc. It is extremely triggering for me so I prefer to text :)

OP posts:
orangewasp · 09/12/2024 11:41

It's pretty clear your mum is lying. What you do with this information is up to you, not her. If you're still in therapy that might be the best place to talk this through and consider the options available to you.

I have a horrible feeling that, given the control your mother seems to exert on the family, it's a case if damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Look after yourself- none of this is your fault.

HotCrossBunplease · 09/12/2024 11:40

I with the help of friends managed to send my mother a message asking for an explanation.

Is there a reason why you did this instead of going to see her in person and introducing the subject carefully in a conversation? I’m not surprised she had a knee-jerk response, and now it has all escalated.

KnigCnut · 09/12/2024 11:40

Tbry24 · 09/12/2024 10:53

That would imply your dad knew at the time.

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Not necessarily.
My husband was originally registered with his mum's surname. His parents then married and he was re-registered with his dad's surname. It is not uncommon for this to be done. Her dad (not the bio one) could be utterly oblivious.

bridgetreilly · 09/12/2024 11:39

She’s lying. You are not the product of rape. You are the result of an affair that she wants to keep secret, to protect herself.

I would not let her dictate your actions now. I think you do need to go public with the rest of your family to explain why she is cutting you off because, as you say, you have done absolutely nothing wrong.

2chocolateoranges · 09/12/2024 11:38

You need to get a message to your mum that she starts talking the truth to you or you are going to blow her secret out to everyone in the family.

play her at her own manipulative game.

your dad deserves the truth as do you.

Leoislazy · 09/12/2024 11:37

Tbry24 · 09/12/2024 10:52

Don’t be pushed out and miss out on the rest of your family, this will get much worse.

you need to tell dad and your siblings what’s actually happened.

Send a text to them all explaining about the DNA match and then mum not wanting to see you since. say you are missing them all and really need some support after finding out you have a stranger as your biological father.

Something along those lines. don’t not tell your dad.

if there’s any questions or disbelief or even do it at the same time send them a screenshot of the DNA match.

And take time processing this, your mum has treated you terribly.

This.
And @Buttonsmum67 do NOT discuss with your mum first that you are telling everyone (if you decide to, which I personally would most definitely do). She’s manipulating everyone around her and she will do or say anything to try and counter the truth even further.

Comtesse · 09/12/2024 11:36

Maddy70 · 09/12/2024 11:07

Yes unless you want to lose all your family. Your poor dad

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But OP has already been excluded from the family eg not being invited to brother’s wedding. Not much point in turning the other cheek the damage has been done.

GameOfJones · 09/12/2024 11:36

OP I am so sorry, this is terrible.

I would reach out to other family members and tell them what you know, tell them what you have put here and that you are hurting and need support.

notatinydancer · 09/12/2024 11:35

I'd absolutely tell the family.
I'd tell your dad face to face , if it's a whats app she will delete it.
How dare she make up lies about you.

SoupDragon · 09/12/2024 11:34

The two stories aren't mutually exclusive. It sounds like there was most likely an affair but that doesn't necessarily mean he didn't assault your mother. He might not even see it that way.

That said, the fact that your mother has started this campaign against you, setting the basis for you to be a liar and untrustworthy, makes me think that she is lying about the attack and that your biological father's story is the correct version. I'm not sure how you'd ever know for sure though.

Fraaahnces · 09/12/2024 11:32

Time to publish the results of the DNA test on the family WhatsApp Group with a comment about the lengths some people will go to to keep their dirty secrets - even continuing to make up lies about their adult daughter. The man from the pub is happy to tell the truth about their affair if anyone is interested…

Uricon2 · 09/12/2024 11:31

Buttonsmum67 · 09/12/2024 10:55

It would wouldn't it, but if so why is so desperate for me not to tell him.

Show quote history

Potentially he's been told the story about the assault, not the affair.

TwigletsAndRadishes · 09/12/2024 11:30

Duckswaddle · 09/12/2024 10:43

I’d be interested in meeting the man you matched with - sounds like his story is more plausible given what your mother is like.
She will panic if she finds out and it will bring things to the surface.

Yes, I'd do this too. You'll soon get a feel for which one of them is telling the truth. Although if it's him, your mother will just change her story to 'yes I admit I had a very brief fling with him before I was married to your dad but then he attacked me.' And you won't be able to disprove her story about thinking she'd dealt with that by the MAP and thinking you were your dad's. It doesn't ring true at all, but you'll never prove it and she's stick to the 'I was raped' line with your dad.

In the end, it doesn't matter. What matters is that she has lied to your dad all these years, lied to you and been abusive and not a good mother in general. It's completely up to you what you do with this information but be aware that your dad is likely to end up angrier with you than he is with her. She's obviously very manipulative and he's probably been enabling her all these years. I imagine he just wants a quiet life where everyone pretends everything is fine. If you want to drop this bomb, be mindful that the consequences might not be good for you, if a relationship with your dad and your siblings is important to you.

If you are prepared to be hated by all of them just to be able to look her in the eye and tell her you see her for the liar she is, then do it.

Kaminari · 09/12/2024 11:30

Your dad deserves the truth, and you don't deserve having to hide behind your mums lies for the sake of her inner peace when it sounds as though she's done nothing to preserve yours. In my opinion.

Onlycoffee · 09/12/2024 11:30

Maddy70 · 09/12/2024 10:58

I would suck it up. Ancestry things are so destructive. Your mum had a secret. That was hers to keep tbh things were different then.

You are blowing up the whole family by announcing this. For what? Why upset your dad?

If you tell everyone so you think they will all come running to you? What outcome will you have?

Your mum had a secret. That was hers to keep tbh things were different then.

I don't agree when the secret involves the biological origin of op!

That's crazy to expect op to suck it up.

Finding out your dad isn't your bio dad isn't something you can just move on from.

Op you deserve the truth. The fact that your mother has behaved so badly telling lies to the family would indicate her story to you wasn't true either.

Your dad may know you are not his biological child and is worried it will change your relationship with him which is why he seems to be siding with your mother and shutting you down so the truth doesn't come out.

I think it's reasonable to try to talk to him on his own and tell him what you've discovered.

Codlingmoths · 09/12/2024 11:29

Maddy70 · 09/12/2024 10:58

I would suck it up. Ancestry things are so destructive. Your mum had a secret. That was hers to keep tbh things were different then.

You are blowing up the whole family by announcing this. For what? Why upset your dad?

If you tell everyone so you think they will all come running to you? What outcome will you have?

This is rubbish. Her mum is cutting the innocent child out of the family to protect herself. When parents act like this they lose the right to be treated as a parent. It’s not the mums secret to keep, it’s the ops life. And at this point she owes her mum nothing.

wheretoyougonow · 09/12/2024 11:28

I think you need to take your time to decide what you actually want. Your therapist may be able to help with this. From what you have written besides the revelation about you father;

  • your mum was abusive during your childhood and continues this behaviour into your adulthood.
  • your father doesn't appear to have protected you from this behaviour and even now is siding with your mother without hearing what you have to say.
  • your brother has no recognition of the abuse you receive.

Even if you do tell everyone, which is completely your choice, I don't think it will change anything within your family. You maybe scapegoated further and more hurt will be caused to you.

I think you need to decide whether having these people in your and your children's life will bring you happiness or hurt. I wish you some happiness and closure whatever you decide Flowers

custardpyjamas · 09/12/2024 11:28

I would talk to your mum and tell her that if she keeps being nasty you are going to have to tell everyone the truth to clear your name.

Your Dad is still your Dad, just not your biological father. If you do tell him, you've found out he's not your father make sure you also say that he always was and always will be your Dad.