I AM FUMING!!!!!! SUGGESTIONS PLEASE

What if OP’s father is innocent but her mother does report it now?

She sounds like the type who wouldn’t bat an eyelid if it kept up her cover story.

OP has NOT thrown a grenade into the middle of her family, the mother has by having an affair and denying her child the right to form a relationship with not only her father but potentially half siblings and her entire fathers side of the family. No one should have the right to do that to their child. It's, in my opinion, controlling and abusive, all because her mother wanted to save her own skin. Purely self centred and now the chickens have come to roost she wants to blame her own child. Disgusting, shameful behaviour.

Your mum's priority appears to be herself ans she's throwing everything at you to keep her secret (abuse, tears, lies, blame, alienation).

It sounds like she's terrified of this becoming common knowledge. That said, nothing excuses her behaviour towards you.

How was your relationship with your siblings prior to the news? Can you talk to them at all?

When is the wedding? How close were you to your brother? Do you think he would regret not having you there if he knew the truth?

You have done absolutely nothing wrong here. Your father who raised you is weak, as are your siblings but it's not surprising given your mother's behaviour.

Sunlight is the best disinfectant.

Take all emotional words out of it and inform the whole family of the facts on one group text.

Then sit back with dignity and give them time to digest and see what they do.

Your siblings and Dad have every right to know the facts as it relates to them.

Prioritise getting professional support for yourself so that you can come to terms with this revelation and the how the behaviour of your difficult mother and father whilst growing up has impacted your own emotional health now as an adult and focus on that healing rather than expending futile energy concerning yourself with them.

It seems that you are being punished by lies and smears and excluded from the family because you have your mothers secret. Shine a calm, dignified, factual light on all of it and wait to see who breaks cover to support you.

Whilst a relief for the old lady, how utterly heartbreaking.

Are people so nasty and callous - or just so incredibly stupid - to think that the innocent child is in any way to blame and thus ostracise them?

Yes, I have a first cousin who was given the details of a second cousin. The first cousin messaged me to ask whether I knew her. I did - we went to school together, but my first cousin had never met her because he was born abroad.

This is one of the worst takes on anything anyone has ever had.

It's her mum's secret so she should suck it up? It's about who the OP's biological father is. I think you'll find that trumps bloody everything.

Never mind how her mother has behaved. Jesus H.

People have every right to know their heritage, especially for medical reasons.

OP - do you know if you have siblings through your bio father?

At any rate: tear off the plaster, let the family know the truth, give them time to digest. Get therapy for yourself. Take care of yourself.

This. The OP has nothing to lose.

Are you high?

I agree. You should have left well alone I instead of throwing this grenade into the middle of the family after all these years. Did you not realise the trouble it would cause awakening all these ghosts from the past. Too late now.

The problem with this is that her mum is a known liar. This will give her opportunity to come up with another convoluted lie, create backstories, etc.

I am sorry this is happening to you, OP.

Given the powerful position your mother and godfather are in - police officers - you need to be very careful - they could easily string up your biological father for a serious historical offense that he's likely not to be guilty of. Best keep him out of it if you can.

I did a DNA Ancestry test with my kids for a fun present

And there is the lesson for everyone else reading this. One of the DNA companies is aggressively advertising their services on the radio at the moment as an ideal Christmas gift 😕so please, everyone, be careful what you wish for.

Honestly this sounds like she had an affair and you are a product of it - she either lied to the man who raised you or they've got past it and she lied to wider family to avoid further questions.

Doing this DNA testing brought all this long buried stuff up - she clearly doesn't want to come out and it not prepared to admit lies - so thrown you and ex affair partner under the bus.

I would have thought this was always going to be very messy - unexpected DNA tests often are - does sound like you already have a therapist - I'd talk though what you want going forward and how you can get there.

Even when a family member behaves outrageously and clearly in the wrong family can still pick them - even acting as flying monkeys. I'm not keen on lies or lying - who has time for it all - so I'd be tempted to e-mail DNA tests to rest of family with a wtf attitude and see where the chips fall but that may not be the best approach for you.

I can't believe I'm reading this.

The OP has every right to know who her biological father is.

As @CreationNat1on said above. I'd start with the siblings. Tell them if they think you're lying you will happily re-do a DNA test to check if you are siblings.tell them neither you nor your kids deserve the fall-out.

I would not assume that if DNA man is a nice guy that it wasn't rape. I'd treat that as irrelevant to you right now. What IS relevant more generally was that she was in a relationship with him. If she was cheating on your dad then she's probably more worried he won't forgive her for that.

Decide as a group if your father should know.

I keep thinking about your children. Do they now know that their grandfather isn't their biological grandfather? And your DF ... the shock for him will be learning you are not his biological child, but also that two of his grandchildren are not biologically his.

I’d let her know that unless she stops spreading crap about you then you will defend yourself and that will be by letting the cat out if the bag re your actual parentage .

What have I just read? No, it wasn’t her mother’s secret to keep. It’s about the OP’s paternity.

I know that you can do this in Scotland, so long as you have proof of the parents' subsequent marriage.

I did a bit of genealogy for my husband's side of the family. A family member was at the front in WW1, while his child was born. (The family member had been wounded and was sent back to Scotland to recover from his wounds. In the hospital, he met the woman he married.)

Of course, the wife had to register the birth by herself. A month later, she went back to the registrar's with her marriage certificate and a note was added to the birth entry for an older child, legitimising her.

I have no idea whether the relative knew about this, but there is absolutely no way the child could have been his, given that he was one of the first to volunteer for WW1 and had been overseas until he was wounded.

While the relative was still overseas, his wife took his child to his mother's house and abandoned her there.

After the war the wife had numerous other children. She named her husband as the father and claimed that he was working in the merchant navy as an explanation as to why he couldn't register the births. In actual fact, he was living abroad and sending money home to his mother to pay for his child's keep.

When he finally got back home he had little difficulty divorcing her, given the blatant proof of her numerous infidelities.

Esp for those who have had their family lie to them all their lives about who their parents are/were. Last year I helped an 80YO woman solve the mystery of who her bio parents were. While the truth was not pleasant, it explained the way various older family members behaved towards her all her life. She has been anxious and unsettled all her life and didn't know why her oldest sister was cruel to her. Now at last she has peace of mind, and she understands why various people behaved as they did.

As a legal wonk, I wonder if the biological father is aware of the very serious allegation that has been made against him ? Especially if it has been repeated amongst many people.

Who knows, that might be something that could bring a little pressure to bear on the OPs DM to see a little bit of sense ?

Ugh sympathies OP. I have a similar story to tell and still no answers. Over the years though my mum has managed to slow alienate the entire family who crawled back when she moved on to treat them terribly and they 'saw the light' (their words). It's hard to forgive tbh but I have some relationships I really value so have moved on for those people. Others not so much.

OP, you aren't being unreasonable to be angry and want to clear your name, but that's rarely how this plays out.
Its very likely that your Dad suspects something is up, but he'll probably fight to keep his marriage. He's lived with a narc for years, he knows who she is.

By all means contact people and tell them the truth, but try not to be disappointed if you continue to be ostracised. Some families seem to need a golden child and a scapegoat.
Look on the Relationships board for the Stately Homes threads.

Very much this. Regardless of whether your bio Dad committed a crime or whether he and your Mum were having a consensual affair, YOU are 100% not to blame in any way, and you are not at fault for seeking and exposing the truth of their deliberate actions.

It's YOUR life here; how dare she try to brush you away as inconvenient evidence of her shameful actions and sacrifice you to save her own skin?