I AM FUMING!!!!!! SUGGESTIONS PLEASE

If you already have a poor relationship with your family, announcing this news on WhatsApp to get revenge might result in you being completely ostracised.

He may have assaulted her. Men who assault women don’t perceive their behaviour as an assault. It wasn’t uncommon then and it certainly isn’t uncommon now. The fact she worked within the police might have meant it was harder to report, not easier. Attitudes to victims of sexual assault were not great and your mum would have known that. There might also have been repercussions for having relationships with colleagues.

I would see if your mum would come to counselling with you. Your brothers wedding seems to have triggered something.

What a nasty, nasty response. How is ANY of this OP's fault? Her mother is the one who has caused ALL the trouble and lied to OP for her entire life. How dare you put this on her.

Don't let your Mother make you out to be the bad person in all of this, tell them everything.

Your relationship with your Mum is fucked anyway so clear your name.

They don't - they just state the cM match and the probable relationship. But when it's a very close relationship like father/grandfather there is less ambiguity.

In that case, please don’t challenge your mother to retrospectively report a rape if you feel it didn’t happen. It would blow up your bio father’s life, and I wouldn’t trust your mother not to make a false accusation in the hope of letting her off the hook with your father. Police can and do make false accusations (and my father was in the police). Obviously if you believed her, then that’s a different matter.

In your shoes, I’d let the relationship with your mother go. She sounds awful, to be frank. Quietly investigate the possibility of a new relationship with your bio father, if that’s what he and you would like. Talk to your siblings in the meantime; let them know the truth. Talk to your godfather; he might be able to shed light on this, or share his recollections from that time of your bio father. Finally, he might be able to talk to your father, if you want him, to know. Tbh, he’s not got your back, so I’d be writing him off too.

As per usual, so many people wading in to spout about Ancestry DNA tests who have never taken one and don't know how they work. Or how registering births works.

OP has every right to do a DNA test on herself, or on her children. There is always the risk that by doing a test you come up with results which are unexpected. OP has discovered that her father is not who she thought it was and is getting two conflicting stories. That is not the fault of the DNA test! That is the fault of the people involved wanting to keep secrets.

If OP's mother was unmarried at the time of her birth - which she says she was - then her future husband would have gone with her to register the birth and be named as the father. There are all manner of reasons why he wouldn't have gone, he might have been out of the country, or couldn't get out of work. It certainly does not definitely imply he definitely knew the baby was not his. He might have known, he might not have known. It is also very common to "legitimise" a birth if parents later marry.

I would advise taking some time and letting the dust settle OP, there are many different points of view here and if your mother doesn't want to talk she's not going to. Take your time getting to know your new bilogical family and remember this is just as much a shock to your biological father, his family, and your mother and father as it is to you, it's a lot to process.

This. I would just factually inform the rest of the family and also believe the biological father's account. I'm sorry your mum is so horrid with you.

Absolutely not what I was suggesting in any way - and I thought I'd worded it very carefully to avoid that potential construement.

Could you speak to your godfather? As your bio-dad could give you his name, did they know each other?

Then I think you need to get your dad on his own and speak to him.

True. I suppose neither of us can know whether he will see the evidence and come to terms with it, or just blame 'a clear mistake' and remain in denial and in mummy's pocket.

Oh yes, the real problem here.

I think this is getting very close to saying that women who don’t report rapes are therefore lying, which is a dangerous line of thought…

But she’s lost them all anyway? She either continues to be viewed as the villain or she tells people the truth and one day they see things as they really are. It might not be tomorrow, but one day they may see her Mother for who she really is and get the courage to leave her alone in her misery.

That said, given OP's later update about her being high up in the police, I agree with PP that she could potentially 'control' the course and results investigation in order to protect herself.

I think the OP said that her DM had a relative high up in the police at the time of the alleged rape who could have prioritised her case? This was in 1985/86 so not there now.

OP is already there.
What has she got to lose?

But it sounds very much like they will all turn on her and make her their whipping girl, even in the event that they accept that she's telling the truth.

That's a good point, although I think she would have a lot more to fear than he would.

That said, given OP's later update about her being high up in the police, I agree with PP that she could potentially 'control' the course and results investigation in order to protect herself.

I'm guessing he would turn on and blame OP every time, rather than ever acknowledge the truth about their mother.

He has believed his DM lies and smears to date. However he cannot twist the DNA evidence or that the fact that his DM has acknowledged a sexual encounter (whether it was rape, ONS or consensua affair), taking the morning after pill and admitted knowing her first child was not her husbands.

So you genuinely believe that OP was to blame for wanting to research her own origins - and she should now shut up, because she is somehow to blame for what her biological parents did before she was born, and now needs to carry that supposed guilt alone?

You should approach your mum and tell her you know she’s lying and that if she doesn’t stop her awful behaviour you will out her secret to the whole family.

I’m sorry but I just don’t believe her. I would tell the rest of the family you found out her secret and she turned on you.

Your kids will need to know, in order for medical decisions to take account of any family history that may be prevalent in your bio dad's timeline. Maybe not now, but sometime.

What a lot of pain your DM has caused.

Have you got someone to talk to IRL?

This.

I have relatives through marriage who were adopted as infants. They never wanted information about their bio parents. Then one became unwell, and their consultant told them to get as much info about their bio family as they good.

It would be a good idea, except that the golden child brother has already nailed his colours to the mast in staunch support of their mother, regardless.

Remember: he didn't just not invite OP to his wedding; he never even told her that it was happening.

I'm guessing he would turn on and blame OP every time, rather than ever acknowledge the truth about their mother.