I AM FUMING!!!!!! SUGGESTIONS PLEASE

The exploding and telling lies when she’s pulled up on behaviour shrieks of narcissistic personality to me. I have a similar mother and sister.

And this is proof that women can be equally as vile as men. I would never ever automatically believe a woman over a man.

Your dm is lying, she was abusive and just awful. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

It would also be much kinder to OP for her to pass it off as an affair rather than being the product of rape. A good mother would have sought advice and then provided support when admitting to being raped. It’s a knee jerk reaction that tends to suggest she is covering up.
Why would you rush into telling your child such a mind blowing revelation? Much kinder to admit to an affair. I’m certain that her biological F would not have contacted her if it was a one night stand/rape. You would remember a two month relationship where you were dumped when your partner decided to marry your rival. As I said before this was the 80s not the 50s.

She is a liar. She will have lied to your dad about why he wasn't on your birth certificate originally.

What?! The OP has a right to claim her own narrative and find out the truth about her parentage. When someone elses secret is about you and has a huge impact on your identity, it is not just theirs to keep.

OP, I went through something similar and i talked it through with my therapist who helped me find the right way and words to move forward. This involved telling my family that my (also a narc) DM had had an affair and i didnt share a father with my Dsis’s. My DF had died at this point so less complex than your situation, but as you’ve mentioned therapy, I think you should seek guidance there.

Your mother also had to choice to sit you down, explain the circumstances to you and ask you kindly not to tell her husband, while supporting you to meet your biological father, if you wished and to shower you with love and sense of belonging to your family. To keep you feeling close and safe, on her side while demonstrating that none of this is your fault, that she loves you dearly and that maybe she regrets that she felt obliged to keep this a secret and continues to do that. You may have distanced yourself from her, but she would not have created a false narrative as to why that had happened.... she did not make that choice.

Rubbish! It’s OP’s birthright to know who her biological father is and if there are any genetically related medical issues she needs to be aware of, at the very least.

Her mum should have told her the truth years ago, not lied and tried to blame the OP for making such a shocking discovery.

Also, the MAP wasn’t easy to get hold of in the 80’s unless you lived in a city or somewhere very cosmopolitan.

Fucking mental reply.

She may indeed have been the victim of a horrific assault... but why is she reaching by making up bizarre lies about OP?

It's not even like she's making things up that could be helpful in a desire to cover up her having been assaulted. Random lies about OP borrowing money and not repaying it are nothing more than an attempt to smear and scapegoat OP.

People frequently find out when they have a simple blood test for blood group, this was happening way before DNA tests were available. Also, if you are diagnosed with a genetic disease such as cystic fibrosis or Huntington’s chorea without any historic cases in the family that would arouse suspicion.

There are plenty of ways that lead to discovery, simple dates often come to light when people slip up. My MIL is very secretive about stuff so when her and late step- FIL told us they had celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary during a trip away it didn’t take much calculating to realise MIL was already pregnant with BIL. This was actually her second shot gun wedding, she was pregnant when she married DH’s father. She is extremely judgemental about illegitimacy so it was all the more funny when we worked it out.

Physical differences are not always that obvious. Mt DS and my Dniece were often mistaken for twins when they were younger. I remember someone commenting that it was unusual for girl/boy twins to look so much alike. My DSis look very alike though so our family genes are very strongly expressed in our DC.

If it hadn’t come out now there is every chance it would have come out in the future. You would only have needed someone in the family needing a transplant match and it would have come out.

Do you think she is a narcissist? or just unhinged, panicking that her lies are catching up with her. But yes might be best to take a 3rd party with her, friend or partner.

Your Mum would have to be controlled at work, right? And this is where the godfather also works? Maybe arrange a meeting between mum, dad, godfather and other man? Bring letter and dna.

Wow.. what a shock.. and what an insight into your mother's mind.

You are in a terrible situation.. I am sorry.

Would you consider approaching your mother and asking her to stop spreading lies about you and to allow you to heal the rift with your family, especially your siblings. They will be there after your mother and father pass away.

You could offer, not to tell your Dad.. but she will not trust that... and may indeed prefer that you are kept well away from the family, because the reality is, that you will find it difficult to sit and listen to the lies she has told about why she is not speaking to you. You will also find it difficult, not to ask for answers.

While it is possible that she was raped, it seems more likely that she was having an affair with a colleague. It was not uncommon for women to lie about pregnancies when abortion was not as socially acceptable or accessible as it is today.

The morning after pill was licensed for use in the UK in 1984 but there was a lot of pro life and religious objection, fear of 'back street abortions', fear of judgement and shame from your GP who knew everyone. It was not until 2007, that is was available over the counter. It is possible, that she did use the morning after pill and that because of the timing, that it failed.

What is clear, is that she has lied to her husband and to you, for the whole of your life and she continues to lie to your family about you.

Do you have a trusted aunt, cousin, sibling, that you can talk to? I suspect her husband knew / knows... and I suspect other people around her / family have an inkling of the truth. Do you look like your siblings?

She can’t talk to her mother alone. Her mother is narcissistic. That is not good advice here.

Fellow survivor of a narcissistic mother here. You are right that rational and relational approaches won’t help.

I am so sorry that you are being scapegoated here. It isn’t fair.

I think in your shoes I would meet my biological dad out of curiosity. From the info you have given I believe him but pick a public space just in case.

I guess you have two choices but either way the outcome isn’t good for you.

You are open and honest and tell your family what you have discovered. She will rage. She will call upon her flying monkeys to rage at you too. You will be scapegoated and remain ostracised. There is a small tiny chance some family members will see it and hear you and stick with you but it’s a small chance. Is there any family member you trust to be sensible and listen as a starting point?

You bury it back under the carpet and maintain some contact in some way but remain on the outside because her self protection will ALWAYS trump your emotional needs. The massive lump under the carpet will trip you up and make you feel uncomfortable. You’ll never be able to be your authentic self.

Neither are great. At no point is she going to hold her hands up and apologise. If she is narcissistic she just won’t.

Im really sorry but I don’t think your family of origin is good for you. I think you should go very low to no contact. You might feel like sharing the information first but you will get a back lash - you need to ask yourself if it’s worth it for the truth to out - may be quietly talk to the more wholesome and healthy family members first if there are any.

Ignore the posters saying it’s her secret to keep. No. It’s yours. It’s your lineage. It’s your decision. Any comeback in her is her own doing and it was her decision alone to lie. You didn’t create the situation and it’s not your responsibility to protect her. She didn’t protect you.

You deserved better. You deserve better. You matter too and you should put your needs in all of this first.

Oh no what a dilemma! From your story I am not sure which one to believe. But it definitely can not be continued to be ignored. I would definitely ask to speak with your mother alone and explain what you have been told, it's going to be hard to do as you are understandably really angry about the way she has treated you so she will just keep on the defence. Needs approaching in a calm and understanding way otherwise I don't think she will ever give you the truth. Hope you get the answers you need Xx

This is awful I would meet this mystery man somewhere like a coffee shop and hear his side

It’s OP’s mum who blew her family up when she chose to have an affair, get pregnant and lie about it, not OP.

More than that she has lied and smeared the OP to the point of alienation from her siblings.

It was licensed in the UK in 1984

“You are blowing up the whole family by announcing this”

It’s OP’s mum who blew her family up when she chose to have an affair, get pregnant and lie about it, not OP.

This is how I would do it - the post that @Whyherewego wrote and that @Patterncarmen described perfectly as the American "Come To Jesus" moment.

She has had years to set the record straight. She hasn't.
Anytime something untoward happens, she flies off the handle, sobs, lies...this is not a woman that can be trusted with the truth. Also, why would a man so wholly unconnected with your family (up to this point) be the one lying about a situation? Up to the point that you submitted the DNA test to the ancestry company, you weren't aware of him and he wasn't aware of you either. He has no beef with you.

I think you need to work out what you want from this. Your mother sounds awful but it’s likely that the rest of the family are going to take her side even if you do tell them. Plus she will be able to paint you as vindictive/ a liar/ etc.

If you want to tell them then that’s your prerogative but don’t expect anything to change.

I think I’d be doing what I can to distance myself from the situation and focussing on my own kids/ partner TBH. I get why people are suggesting you might want to meet the man, but won’t this lead to you becoming even more involved in your mother’s nonsense?

True re attacks can happen in consensual relationships but having two consensual relationships at once is cheating, since it’s clear your mum isn’t openly polygamous.

Whatever the circumstances leading to the birth of the OP, it's the fact that her mother is being untruthful that is causing issues. Had the mother been honest from the word go, both with her husband and with the OP then this situation would not have arisen.