I AM FUMING!!!!!! SUGGESTIONS PLEASE

Apparently I have indeed been hiding under a rock. The whole thing sounds so dangerous that I can't believe anyone would take the risk of finding out, unless they had suspicions and wanted certainty. There must be thousands of families getting torn apart by this.

Morning after pill wasn't readily available then!

I used the term "fluffy nonsense" to mean specifically the claims about being 7.5% Finnish or (especially) 12% Irish, which are what I see being waved about by (mostly) Americans who do these tests. They then turn up in Dublin and expect everyone to welcome them home.

I genuinely had no idea that these tests also do direct family matching --- I certainly wouldn't call that fluffy, but given the prevalence of what researchers euphemistically call "paternity discrepancy", I think that taking such a test might well be a minefield, as OP has found out. I'm even more glad than before that I have not touched this with a bargepole.

Hmmm
I would spend more of my energy in trying to make contact with your real dad.
It's not fair what your mum has done.
I don't find her story plausible at all esp with what you described regarding the birth certificate name change.

You missed out on getting to know your real dad vice verse.

Best of luck Hun.

This totally, this.

Firstly I would imagine your Dad knew about the affair and the fact you were not his child but wanted to keep you and bring you up as his own. Your Mother had decided to re-write history for her own benefit (not attacked, had an affair).
From your perspective and the perspective of your family nothing has changed, your Dad is still your Dad ( not biologically but in every other sense of the word). Your Mum has given you her story and asked you to keep it a secret. For the sake of your family I would do so. What do you have to gain by texting (really texting?) other family members to let them know.
The only person suffering here is you, as you are estranged from your family.
Heal the rift and stop your search for the truth because you already have it, your parents want to keep this secret which they have kept for over 35 years, give them that.
Contact your biological Father if this is your wish (your parents don't need to know) and hopefully enjoy getting to know him.
I wish you well and I wish you peace OP.

An Ancestry DNA test can tell you who your parents are if they have tested as well. In this instance, the unknown father has independently tested and has been identified as the biological father. The OP has his name because he chose to use his name on the test. I have tested as have my parents - none of our tests have our real names on, only initials (my choice). My uncle, however, has used his real name.
An Ancestry or My Heritage DNA test will not be able to identify any relative if they have not tested on that site. This is not the first time that someone has taken the test for fun and has been unexpectedly matched with a paternal stranger.

@Buttonsmum67 ??
Apologies if my wording was clumsy, as I was simply agreeing with your point that "....so it doesn't sound like a random attack, but then again obviously attacks can also happen within consensual relationships"

I absolutely HAD read your post, and my sympathies are with you.
Because (whilst your mother's versions of events is unlikely given your description of her nature) regardless of whether it was an attack or affair or even ONS that your mother has tried to conceal all these years, her fearful desperatation to discredit you and sabatage your relationships with your entire family, is truly dispicable of her. I hope in time they all come to realise this and embrace you as the sibling/daughter/niece you've always been.

I'm sorry that you're having to deal with all of this

I, personally, would write the same letter to every member of my family that is currently freezing you out, enclose copies of both DNA information. Keep it short and to the point, no slagging off of your Mother but in no uncertain terms say that it's untrue what she is accusing you of

Also meet your Dad face to face, take a friend/partner/unbiased family member for support and ask for his version of things in writing

Then you've fought your corner
You've said your truth and hopefully people will start to come round

We found out lots of secrets because of ancestry dna tests.

My cousin found out her dad is not her dad.

My mum ended up with another auntie, she had 5 kids and those adult children (in their 60s) also have adult kids who have kids.

It would have been scandalous in those days to have kids outside marriage.

It's really not to be done without lots of thought because it could and does open a can of worms.

OP - Surely you're mum still can't be a high up police officer... You said she was 28 when you were conceived in 1986...that would make her 67ish now which is well past retirement age for the vast majority of cops and would need special permission to stay at that age?

I did 23andMe with one of my sisters. I told her I was just interested in our heritage but in truth I look adopted, I do not look anything like my sisters who could be twins in looks, I am literally the complete opposite and I have green eyes which gave me a less than 1% chance of having them given my parents and grandparents eye colour.

My Mum was also very religious and vocal about being against abortion even in the case of rape so that was a thought I had. 23andMe confirmed I am indeed a full biological sister thank goodness and I was glad to know definitively.

I had my full profile and then you can opt in to share your results and also opt in to share your full profile which includes things like potential hereditary conditions. Each time you agree it does say you need to consider the potential issues that could arise or something like that, it is a while ago now. I opted to share my profile but not my full medical details. Once my sister shared her info we matched. I have 3rd and 4th cousins on there and was contacted by a distant cousin in the US for information.

OP you have done nothing wrong.

I would cut through all the BS and tell your mum that unless you are welcomed back into the family with open arms before Christmas, including being invited to your brothers wedding with a seat at the head table, you are sending everything to everyone and letting them decide.

Not sure if that would make the family turn against Op even more tbh.

What about the biological father and his family? Everyone’s suggesting that OP should tell their dad (the mom’s husband), expose the truth to the entire family, and maybe even gain a connection with the biological father’s family. But it’s not that straightforward. If his family finds out he fathered a child through an affair, it could cause serious upheaval on their end too.

To be blunt, I see two possible outcomes here. First, OP tells her family, who will hopefully rally around her and ultimately cut ties with the mother for being manipulative and dishonest. Or second, the family sides with the mother, refuses to believe OP, and nothing improves for the OP—except the truth is finally out.

I would cut through all the BS and tell your mum that unless you are welcomed back into the family with open arms before Christmas, including being invited to your brothers wedding with a seat at the head table, you are sending everything to everyone and letting them decide.

Let her work out how to explain her change of heart. Irrespective of the father, you are her daughter and you deserve more.

I think the rape allegation was designed to garner your sympathy and to embroiled you into this victim centered joint secret. Put some of the responsibility of the conception and fall out on you.

I think it's a manipulation tool, that doesn't make sense in the wider circumstances. I think if it all comes out, she will double down on that version of events, but rather than formally report it, she will instead allude to the allegation, rather than come out and say it. Smoke and mirrors diffusion of responsibility.

I don't think she will "own" the allegation.

If the rest of the family want a peaceful life or are brainwashed by her, they may stand by her version of events. It's the only version of events that maintain her dignity.

Is there any value in speaking to her directly, telling her you can work through this together, but she has to stop with the lies. It ll tear the family apart. Ask her to quit the smear campaign.

She’s not blowing up the family tho is she. The mother is blowing up the family with her lies! Things were not that different in 1986!

Shes deliberately ostracising you now that you know. I’d argue that it isn’t her secret to keep, it’s yours. If she’d behaved even slightly reasonably in recent times I might be tempted to stay silent but , in these circumstances I’d feel forced to stick up for my honour and tell the truth. That way you might at least have a chance of keeping a relationship with your siblings!

I thought these "DNA ancestry" tests just told you that you are 7.5% Finnish or 18% Ruritanian or some such fluffy nonsense.

People are incredibly naive if they think this is all they do. They have your DNA profile.

https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20240212-dna-testing-what-happens-if-your-genetic-data-is-hacked

Wow that Ancestry link then links off to a whole charity that is solely designated to help people with a "not parent expected" event on these tests! https://npefellowship.org/

Unfortunately, your father (non-biological) has sided with your mother. At that point, I'd say it was time to come clean. It's not your burden to bear, either way, and there's absolutely no reason for all this secrecy. If your mother's telling the truth, it sounds like your father will stay with her. If she's lying, he'll either be in denial or forgive her... or not. In any event, it's not fair to put you and your children in this position. I'd put it all out in the open. I wouldn't expect your cowardly parents to do what's right, regardless, but at least I'd say my piece!

@Buttonsmum67

I think the first thing I'd do is gather what info I could. I'd start with asking your putative father how/where he met your mother, the approximate dates of the affair, where they were living at the time. You know, to build as 'concrete' a picture as you can of the affair. See if what he says 'makes sense' to you compared to what you know about your mum's whereabouts & activities at the time. Since your mum & dad weren't married when you were born, I assume you may not know the 'timetable' of their relationship back then. Was she sleeping with both? Did the affair end & their relationship begin soon enough to 'bamboozle' your dad into thinking you were his?

As far as her rape allegation, I really don't think so. A perp would probably either deny and/or admit to a consensual ONS, but a protracted 2 month affair? I doubt they'd go that far, it would be too easy to disprove.

Anyway, I'd get as good of a timetable as I could to set my mind at rest as far as the affair. What I'd do with that information, IDK. I'd be tempted to tell my mother that unless she publicly and 'proveably' retracts all her nastiness to the wider family I was going to go nuclear with the information. Or I'd simply message/see my dad, show him the DNA test, and ask "Did you know this?".

Basically, disempower her by getting the truth out there and taking control.

The truth will always out and there's no point trying to hide it, especially now that your mother knows you know and is behaving so irrationally and unfairly.

I'd tell everyone and get it over with - it's all just a matter of time anyway. SHe's tyrannising you with her behaviour and the only way to stop that is to get the truth out there sooner rather than later. Let them all make of it whatever they want.
Your Dad might eventually accept that it was before they married anyway. He might have suspected and just learned to live with it. Who knows? But best to have the truth out so you all know what you are dealing with and he can make decisions accordingly armed with the truth and your mum has to stop with her shenanigans.

You are wrong. I did one and it often comes up with a name and then says probably daughter or second cousin or third cousin. It is always correct. It really isn’t ’fluffy nonsense’.