I AM FUMING!!!!!! SUGGESTIONS PLEASE

Why would a rapist voluntarily put their DNA on a public database? that would seem like a very odd choice OP. I’d tell them all in a very short, matter of fact message and then leave them to it. Give yourself a bit of time and space then make a decision re your bio dad.

Our mothers could be clones!

I’ve been fully NC for 6 years now and it’s bliss. It’s been a hard 6 years coming to many realisations, I’m 49yo and still occasionally have a cry about what I have lost out on through my life but it’s absolutely the best thing I ever did going NC. Going NC also meant going NC with the golden child and LC with my other sibling as it just makes life easier. I wish I had the guts to call some things out when my DF was alive but because he always took her side for an easy life I was too scared to loose him. Now I realise I never had him, he was just as guilty for the abuse I received because he never stopped it.

In your position @Buttonsmum67 with my new found couldn’t give a fuck if I upset the Queen Narc I’d probably embrace a relationship with your bio Dad or at least meet with him. I absolutely 100% would not believe your Narc Ms lies, this would be something mine would say if she was caught out. The way I look at it is you have one Narc parent and one parent who will never protect you or put you first, it’s a hard truth but it’s the truth! Meeting this other man maybe a chance to have a parent relationship that isn’t toxic. If it dosnt work out you have nothing to loose but you know the truth and at least tried.

Being who I am now I would have no problem calling narc mother out, I did when we went NC and it felt soo good. I would probably do the following.

Send a message to Dad, siblings, aunts/uncles, basically anyone who enjoys playing a flying monkey position, but not including narc mother, one thing narcs can’t handle is being ignored.

“Hi all, I’ve decided I’ve finally had enough of all this shit and being made out to be the bad guy. The truth is 1 year ago I found out “name” was not my real father, of course this came with the usual pity me party from mother and a bunch of lies. I have now met my real father who has given me enough truth and facts for me to know I was the result of a long standing affair. Dad, maybe if you had cared enough about me to ever put me first I would have spoken to you one on one, I did try calling you but all calls were intercepted by your wife. As it is, maybe you knew the truth which is why you never stoped the emotional and mental abuse inflicted by your wife, I suppose we will never know. I’m tired of all the lies, screaming, pity me parties, this has just become too toxic and untenable for me and my family.

If any of you want to reach out kindly, I’m not interested in any verbal abuse or excuses, but I am open to contact. Otherwise I will be blocking you all going forward and focusing on rebuilding my life with my family that dosnt involve lies and trauma.”

I know it’s easy said than done but I’ve got to a point in my life now I have no doubts on calling people out, I no longer try to play peace keeper or feel I need to take the brunt of the blame for something I wasn’t even involved in.

I have small children 7-12yo, my oldest now know why we are NC & LC with my family, well enough to know my relationship with them wasn’t healthy for me and that I don’t want them being exposed to toxic people. My youngest dosnt remember any of my family so it’s no loss to her.

The best thing I did to protect my children was cutting the cancer that is my mother out of their lives.

good luck x

More likely to believe this chap, why would he lie?

Op has some right to know who her father is....

Your mother sounds a right piece of work. Mine has told me my father is the man she married, Ian Botham, Kevin Keegan and the man who ran the travelling fair. She's a fantasist and I thinks yours is too.

OP, horrible situation! But if I were you I would disclose the results to everyone and also say your mother was begging you not to tell anyone. Basically, whatever you said on here. Also, tell the bio dad she says he raped her. See what happened.

With regards people saying "how could she knew her bio dad's name" - I did 23 and me, and there is an option to see everyone you share DNA with. I can see everyone I'm even slightly related to - and it tells me the how much DNA I share with them and their relation to me based on that. Its only first name and initials, but I can contact them if I want.

Ancestry tests can also be a positive thing. I signed up because there was a family 'story' about me having a half sister. My Dad died when I was 13 & I had no contact with anyone on his side of the family.

My half sister contacted me after I had been on there for 6 years - her children had bought her a kit as a present. I thought it was amazing because suddenly I had family on my fathers side & I felt as though I 'belonged' more.

Honestly I'd send a picture of the results to every family member and advise them to get a DNA test.

Nuke the lot of them!

I don't buy that your mum was assaulted, narcs will say anything

I'm sorry you're dealing with this

I would ask the man to do a DNA test to fully confirm paternity and have that ready before you tell your dad anything

Hi OP, I've only read your comments not everyone else's but I'm in almost the exact same position- same age and found out a few years back that another man may/may not be my dad. My dad's aware of the potential and my mum is slightly less dramatic than yours so I do have it much easier.

From what you've said, respectfully, I wouldn't believe your mums story at all and I'm sorry you spent that time thinking you were the product of rape. That can do a lot to a person. Your mum sounds like a stereotypical boat rocker and your dad likely a boat steadier. He's forgotten what solid ground feels like so it's now his nature to run to help her. He likely knew of an affair but I can't see how the birth certificate shows he knew of your potential parentage especially with your mums response - or she told him a DNA test had already been done and would now be found out. I wouldn't tell him honestly. I don't think it would be worth the pain but that does put you in an awful situation.

Going back to the boat rocker analogy, you and your siblings are born boat steadiers and have never felt solid ground. You now realising her true self pulls you away from this role but likely increases the steadying done by the rest that stayed. They may blame you for this instead of her who is actually rocking the boat.

Can you speak to your brother? You don't have to tell him anything but don't lose any of them for her. Well done for standing up to her. I know this was a big deal.

I’d tell your dad and ask this biological man what happened based on what your mother has said.

its not your secret. Let it come out and I have a feeling the truth will find its way out too.

Honestly your dad would be mortified that your Mum has put you through all of this to protect herself. You’re not wrong when you say she’s a Queen narc. I’d tell my Dad. You never know, he alight be utterly miserable too and you might be setting him free. Life is too short for all this. She may be your mum but you don’t like her (and you don’t have to) so set yourself free from her and her behaviour.

What a stupid answer! If her mum has kept this secret, her whole life has been a lie. Her medical history is a lie, her dna history, her ancestry is all a lie. She deserves to hold her mother responsible and get the answers she and her own children deserve. Imagine not knowing where you come from, I couldn’t live like that and no one should have to, that’s literally the point of these dna websites.

Tell them. There's a time to take the high road and a time to fight back and I think this is one of those times.

OP, obviously this is a horrible situation, whatever the truth turns out to be. I do think this is something that is best explored with your therapist, rather than mumsnet, as supportive as we can be - there is a lot at stake here in terms of your family relationships.

i wouldn’t involve anyone else except your mum
and dad. Tell your mum unless she deals with the truth, you’ll speak with your dad about it but I’d give her a chance to make it right.

What about poor OP? Mother is lying to the family about her and ensuring that they all ostracise her because Mother doesn't want everyone to know about how she conceived OP.

OP, in your position, I would be inclined to meet bio father and when you've got your head sorted out, have a private meeting with Dad, bringing your relevant paperwork, and asking him what he knows and if he supports Mother's attempt to cut you off. If he does, then the parents who brought you up are no parents to you at all and you have some big decisions to make about how much you are going to allow them to hurt you. At least you will know exactly where you stand.

So much misunderstanding of Ancestry DNA tests and similar.

They are not paternity tests and have never been marketed as paternity tests in the Jeremy Kyle meaning.

When you do the test you have to opt out of showing your matches but that's fine because nearly everyone who does the tests is doing purely to find matches! These tests can be hugely helpful in building your family tree and researching distant branches.

Some people will have lots of matches, others very few. My closest match is a second cousin - our grandparents were siblings. Ancestry will not say "here is John and he's your cousin on your mum's side". Ever. They will say "you match X number of cM with this person, and based on the information both of you have on your trees, he's most likely to be a cousin. But with 800cM of shared DNA he could also be a cousin once removed, a half first cousin, a half niece/nephew". It is up to YOU to work out how these people fit into your tree. In the OP's case, a grandparent relationship is fairly close and as this man has already tested, there are not many other possibilities.

It's not a scam, or a con, or "doesn't work". All the tests are doing is looking at your DNA code and looking for matches in other people's pieces of DNA code. The more segments you have matching, the closer the relationship. When you spit in the tube and send it away you do not tell them what you are trying to achieve.

The ethnicity estimate is just that, an estimate, a bit of fun and nobody who has any interest in genealogy research takes it seriously in any way.

This.

If what she said is indeed true, she would surely be reassuring you and talking things through with you, not carrying out a hate campaign. If it's not true, well.. that's just so fucked up on so many levels. She would rather have her daughter believe she was conceived as a result of rape than tell the truth? Either way it sounds like you'd be better off without this woman in your life. In your shoes I would tell the rest of the family the truth, calmly, and provide them with the evidence you have.

My mother is a high flying career woman within the police

Good grief! That is worrying. She sounds completely deranged.

No, I was born out of wedlock, and have 2 birth certificates, the first one and then another after they married, I have no doubt that my bio father is the man who is on my birth certs and raised me.

If she’s acting that way I’d reckon he doesn’t have a clue.

Your mother is clearly lying - I trust what you are saying and I have read many threads on narcissist.
Not sure how you deal with this - xx
.

I would never give my DNA away just for 'fun'. I can imagine these data breaches will happen more and more.

As many posters have said, it certainly was.