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AIBU?

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Original poster

It’s another SIL one!!

38 replies

Gracie86 · 09/12/2024 09:59

Are SIL relationships always more difficult than the relationship between a DIL and MIL?!

SIL is 2 years older than me. I’m married to her younger brother. We’ve never really clicked and I find making conversation and just being around her awkward.

She has mental health problems - situational depression based on her marriage breaking up 5 years ago. 5 years on everyone just gives her the green light to be rude and to say inappropriate things.

A couple of months ago it was my birthday. PIL had bought me some very nice Jo Malone bits. She asked what her parents had bought me and then exclaimed that she couldn’t believe they had bought me two gifts and how expensive they were. I was left feeling really awkward. I’m not the quickest at thinking of things to reply with.

On the family WhatsApp she would post pictures of her with DH with captions such as Remember your Roots Little Bro and Big Sis Loves Ya. She has never posted photos of her with the other brother.

Yesterday DH posted some pictures of some work we are having done at home. When I met DH I sold my old flat which is paying for the work. She was quick to reply saying how proud she was of her little bro for working so hard to pay for it all. Our finances are none of her business, but the assumption that I’m not contributing towards the work has really annoyed me. Yes, it’s her and yes I’m probably reading too much into things.

I have and will never stop DH from seeing his sister, but last night something in me snapped and I said I’d had enough of her digs. DH immediately starts defending her and I’m left feeling like the villain. There’s a lot of things she’s said to me over the years which I’ve just put up with, but I’ve said I don’t particularly wish to see her as I’m expected to put up with dig after dig (about my family, about my weight, her asking to borrow huge sums of money, telling our DD things about me which are untrue). I’ve simply had enough and I don’t want this woman in my head. I’ve told DH that he can go spend 2 days after Christmas with her but I’m not going. Of course that’s wrong. I’m just always the villain and I don’t know how to change that narrative.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gracie86 · 09/12/2024 11:42

The asking to borrow money goes via DH not me. It’s like she thinks I have no say in our money.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gracie86 · 09/12/2024 11:41

thepariscrimefiles · 09/12/2024 11:38

How does your DH respond to the digs she makes about your family, about your weight, her asking to borrow huge sums of money and telling your DD things about you which are untrue? Does he just expect you to suck them up?

Ask him how he would feel if a close member of your family made similar digs to him and about him.

Given that she is slagging you off to your own DD, I would certainly limit any time that your DD spends with her.

Show quote history

The problem is the majority of things are said when nobody else is within earshot. They also think my DD has taken out of context what she’s allegedly said and she’s only 5 so misunderstood etc.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 09/12/2024 11:38

Gracie86 · 09/12/2024 11:15

Earlier this year I did use the what do you mean by that and the PIL and DH said it was a joke, I was being too sensitive and overreacting. I’m a villain for responding. I really want to go NC but that would mean not seeing the rest of the family who I get on well with. Visiting just them isn’t an option as we live 5 hours away.

How does your DH respond to the digs she makes about your family, about your weight, her asking to borrow huge sums of money and telling your DD things about you which are untrue? Does he just expect you to suck them up?

Ask him how he would feel if a close member of your family made similar digs to him and about him.

Given that she is slagging you off to your own DD, I would certainly limit any time that your DD spends with her.

Original poster
Gracie86 · 09/12/2024 11:15

Earlier this year I did use the what do you mean by that and the PIL and DH said it was a joke, I was being too sensitive and overreacting. I’m a villain for responding. I really want to go NC but that would mean not seeing the rest of the family who I get on well with. Visiting just them isn’t an option as we live 5 hours away.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/12/2024 10:37

The whole family may defend her but your DH needs to step aside from the family dynamics and support you and have your back that's why you need counselling together to sort it.

Then he deals with SIL bad behaviour to you as and when needed.

Brefugee · 09/12/2024 10:35

well i would have immediately put a reply to the WhatsApp post saying how lucky you both were that you had a flat that you could sell to finance the work, or else you wouldn't have been able to afford it.

Digs? Grey rock or (if you are like me and don't care about confrontations with people i don't care about) look her in the eye and ask her to explain. Bonus points if she says something while DH is there and he either ignores or doesn't recognise it's a dig. Keep asking her to explain until she either gives up or has explained 3 times.

Later on tell your DH that you don't have to put up with her shit and that your contact with her is now at an absolute basic minimum.

ETA: i have several SILs. Only one is lovely. The worst one? i just stopped seeing her talking about her or anything. Nobody cared (or if they did, i didn't notice) 2 others did the sly dig stuff. With one i just told her to get to fuck, and cut contact right down to ... actually, never. I only saw her once after that and she pointedly ignored me. I laughed.
Other SIL? i did the "oh that hurt my feelings" "i don't understand please explain" and her DH was defending her. So next time i just burst into (huge fake) tears and said i didn't know why she was always so hurtful... and BAM! i am only in touch with the lovely one and i DGAF about the others, or what they think of me (my DH always backed me up and he barely sees any of them now)

SadSandwich · 09/12/2024 10:34

Get your husband to notice the digs. Each time sil digs repeat it back to her. Have fun.

toomuchfaff · 09/12/2024 10:32

I've been looking to a lot of videos on how to respond to "hurtful" comments, putddowns etc.( I have a DS GF issue.)

Obviously depending on what the comment is, who its directed at, the main response is to flip it back to them,
Something like
Did you mean to say that? That was hurtful, did that come out right? What do you mean by that?

And when it's flipped back, they have a chance to backtrack or they redefine it - you might get a narc response such asjust joking, you're too sensitive (in which case your retort needs to be "that's not funny, be funnier", normal people don't need to make fun of those they love or care about - or they go whole hog and reiterate what they said, it draws attention to others that it wasn't nice. Chances are those other people are enabling the behaviour but doing it every single time something is said, thoughts being that over time the rational people realise and the narc veil slips.

Combine with "grey rock" (I think) where you just do nothing aside from acknowledge her existence, no pleasantries, no conversation aside from a quick glance and Hi, then back to what you're doing.

Hoppinggreen · 09/12/2024 10:20

Looks like your choices are to respond to her nonsense, which will probably lead to the family defending her and you being the baddie
Not visit or enage with her, which will lead to you being a baddie but not quite so much
Continuing to put up her her shit and say nothing

I would probably go with the 2nd one, completely drop the rope. Don't bad mouth her but just pretend she doesnt exist

DisforDarkChocolate · 09/12/2024 10:15

Gracie86 · 09/12/2024 10:13

Sadly the whole family defend her

Show quote history

That's probably why she's still depressed. No one gets better when a whole family conspires to keep you stuck on a cycle of depression and enabled bad behaviour.

Original poster
Gracie86 · 09/12/2024 10:13

RandomMess · 09/12/2024 10:06

Buy your DH some couples counselling sessions for Christmas.

It needs sorting with him first.

Sadly the whole family defend her

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/12/2024 10:06

Buy your DH some couples counselling sessions for Christmas.

It needs sorting with him first.

Vaxtable · 09/12/2024 10:03

I would ask your dh how he would feel if his other brothers wife did the same to him, list all the digs she has made at you but coming from his other sil to him

I think you are right to walk away from her, she sounds awful, and MH issues should not be an excuse to be rude

You have a dh problem