It’s another SIL one!!

No advice I’m afraid because everything I have tried in 20 years has not really worked, but I empathise with you. So many similarities in our stories though, mine is a proper pain in the arse but she generally has a harder life than most and therefore everyone lets her get away with murder… stay strong, ignore as much as you can. Sadly DH, yours or mine, are unlikely to change in their views about their sisters… dont let her make you bitter…

Definitely don’t visit at Christmas. I wouldn’t let this bitch have access to my child when I am not there either, given what you have said.

DH can go and you can have a lovely time together

Has he corrected his sister and told her that actually it's your money that's funding the building work? If not, why not? Why isn't he standing up for you? Why is it OK for you to be upset, but not his precious sister?

Is she like this with any of her other siblings partners? She sounds horrendous and I would do as a pp said, start giving them the same treatment back and them tell them they are being sensitive when they get offended and also say to your husband “fuck her mental health, what about mine” tell him how it’s affecting you too.

Two great posts above.

Distance, distance and more distance.
Tell your husband go alone.
When you do very occasionally see her, be super breazy and full of happy cheerful news to your inlaws.

Life is too short to be sround this.
I find men like your husband very icky.

My colleagues husband was like that and she was given a tip.
No matter what the situation involving her husband, she took the other side or didn't see what happened or just had a completely opposite view.

She could see her colleagues or bosses point of view.
She could see why he had been beeped and given the bird when driving.
She understood why his friend hadn't included him in a round of golf.
She didn't see the guy who nearly crashed into him.
Extremely PA.
Eventually he cracked and asked what her problem was.
She said nothing, just giving you a dose of what you are like after a weekend with your family.
It didn't change him over night but it gave him pause and basically he knew she would give him back the support he gave her.
She said it helped over time.

These people sound absolutely awful, of course your daughter will look like you! Stupid old fool. What is wrong with people?

Extending from this. Look up FOG and medium chill/grey rock. Your DH will have FOG I expect. It’s a tricky childhood issue to unpick. You don’t need him to change for this to stop hurting you. You don’t need anyone to change but yourself. If you stop letting it bother you, then the silence that you leave in space that would usually be your emotional reaction rebounds it back onto them in my experience.

saying that it’s not easy (took me years) but I now pitty my in-laws… if I bother to think about them at all. Recommendation I had from a counsellor. Stop trying to get her to not be a bitch. If she wants to be a bitch she’s just going to and she’s going to know your DH well enough to get round his defences. Issues with my in-laws plagued my DH and my marriage for years. We fought between ourselves before, during and after visits. That’s all stopped now.The recommendation was to give her a rating in your head for her behaviour. Ooh she really put some thought into that comment 10/10. Ooh that stung 10/10. Took some time but in the end the stinging score came down and then I found I had forgotten to do it. My MIL rarely bothers now as I’m not giving her the reaction she was looking for. Once I stopped getting upset and left my in-laws to my DH rather than trying to fix things, he soon realised he struggled with them - really struggled. He got some counselling support and he’s a grey rock master now!

Distance is your weapon. When my DP's mother seriously upset me several times and DP refused to say anything as he 'would rather upset you than see Mum cry' I stepped back.

I'd often send DP and DD to visit his parents on their own and when I see his mum I stick to polite chit chat only. I leave all communication and sorting to him nowadays - and given he has a very demanding job and is disorganised this isn't to her benefit.

DP and his mum weren't at all happy with my sudden lack of effort but as I'm perfectly nice there's nothing they can do.

You will never win with these type of people.

Tips:

keep contact to a minimum
be civil
smile and nod
avoid giving any major details about your life

EXCEPT to boast! About a pay rise, a promotion and achievement ANYTHING to piss her off!

Seems your FIL is as much of a twat as his daughter is!

Maybe you should start insulting your in-laws and when they complain, just tell them that they are being too sensitive.

People like that love to dish it out, but can't take it when anyone does the same to them.

Your DH is telling you that you are reading into things because he would rather you be upset than his parents and his sister. How can it be anything other than rude and insulting for FIL to tell you that he was upset that your DD looked like you?

Tell your DH that if he doesn't challenge his parents and his SIL every time they are rude to you, you and DD won't be visiting.

He should feel terrible that you are dreading Christmas.

She sounds hugely attention-seeking and jealous.

I’d ignore it all. Come off the group chat. Ask DH to share less with them all. Avoid her as much as you can and only see her in group settings.

The most frustrating thing is that your DH is not supporting you.

If she keeps making snidey comments, agree with her. "Yes, they really are very generous to me, you're lucky to have such lovely parents"; "Yes, I have put on weight recently, how do you stay so slim?"

@DelphiniumBlue, there's a point at which 'be kind' stops being kindness and begins to demean a person. Being a complete pushover is not a quality most people are apt to admire. It's the sort of behaviour that would make an aggressor despise you more, rather than less.

I don't want to respond too bluntly, but I'm afraid no one but an idiot would make such an assertion as the one you suggest above. It won't cut OP any slack; it won't show concession to any idea that hurt people hurt people, it will do nothing but make her SiL see her as a weak pushover and probably encourage her to up the ante. Especially the comment about the weight. Body-shaming is not okay; it will never be okay, and to respond in agreement to such an assertion would be crazy behaviour.

IMO, not good advice.

Did it work though, did it shut her up?

Next time say ‘Did you mean to be so rude?’

Answer back every time but don’t swear.

Does DH lend her money?

I really don’t think you should have sunk your flat money into the house. How did you and DH pay the deposit? Who pays the mortgage?

I think you need to go NC with her or start answering back every time.

Next time she says she’s proud of DH for making the money say ‘Actually, it’s my money.’

Unfortunately you need to be prepared for this eventuality, and I'm afraid this is what happened to me. In hindsight, would I have responded differently? In honesty, no. I didn't want a relationship with my SiL: a decision I'd taken for good reason. Others' response to that decision is their call, and if they ostracise you as a consequence, so be it. Some families do appear to take the very trade union-sounding stance of 'one of us, all of us'. I thought it might be possible to have a relationship with the rest of my in-laws without having one with my SiL. This wasn't ultimately possible. She has seen to that, as my MiL let slip one day.

Of course this is hard on DHs, but my DH is aware that if he'd offered one iota of support to me, and told his family that their behaviour to his wife was unacceptable, things might not have deteriorated to this point. Even so, it was probably inevitable. The simple issue is that I am a different kind of personality with very different interests from theirs, and to them, different equals bad.

This has been the only 'blip' in an otherwise strong, happy and trusting marriage, and it's been possible to get past it because we live several hours from them and DH himself is LC. DH and DC now see PiLs without me a few times a year, and even DH no longer has contact with his sister. This was his own decision, taken some 15 or so years after mine. I managed to refrain from saying 'I told you so'.

Your DH can do as he likes but he can't force you to have a relationship with a member of his family that you don't want. Decisions have consequences, and these need to be carefully thought through, but I still don't regret mine. Frankly, I don't think this bickering, unhappy, enabling environment will be much of a loss to you. And if he continues to side with his family of origin over you, he'll have told you something very important about his priorities and where you feature in these. You can then act on this information as you see fit.

agree a bit with @DelphiniumBlue right up to the last paragraph.

there is no need to forgive a rude cunt. Keep your daughter away from her as much as poss, and OP always try to have a 3rd party with you when she speaks to you. but no need to forgive - just ask her to stop being a cunt (use other words) or explain what she means.

But in your shoes? i wouldn't be visiting much at all. Let your DH take care of that.

You know, a lot of what you have said seems fairly normal brother and sister stuff. It's normal to have photos with your sibling, it's totally understandable that if you want to borrow money from your sibling, you ask them direct.
The financial set-up between you and your DH is your business, and if the two of you have agreed that you need the. consent of the other before making big spends or loans, that's for you and DH to agree on. SiL is not in the wrong for asking him. He can say that he needs to check it with you, that you operate as a financial team, or whatever he wants to say. It's her brother, and him being married to you doesn't change that. She can ask him whatever she wants and it's up to him to to explain or not. It's not like she thinks you have no say, it's that she asked him to lend her money. It's not the same thing.
I can also envisage the situation where one of my older DC would say that they were proud of the youngest if he was doing grown-up financial stuff, with or without a partner. It's about them seeing the family baby as finally growing up. That's OK, it's not a reflection on you.
However, your DH could clarify things without turning it into a battlefield, " Yes, I couldn't have done it without Gracie, did you know she sold her flat and has covered the cost of the work? I've only put in xyz."
She does sound as if she is jealous of you and possessive of her family. She didn't like seeing her parents spending a lot of money on you as it signifies love/approval and she feels she has to justify her position in the family. You've got a relationship with her little brother, she feels pushed out, and also upset that you have a lovely husband and she doesn't. Your good fortune flags up her situation, in her eyes. If you can cut her some slack it would be a kind thing to do.
If she keeps making snidey comments, agree with her. "Yes, they really are very generous to me, you're lucky to have such lovely parents"; "Yes, I have put on weight recently, how do you stay so slim?" "Yes ,DH does work hard, well we both do, and I was very pleased to have negotiated such a good deal on the sale of my flat".
It's hard work for you, but maybe you can afford to be forgiving here.

So your DH doesn't believe you when you tell him what his sister has said to/about you out of his earshot?

His loyalty appears to lie with his sister rather than you. Tell him that you don't enjoy being in his sister's company because of this and pull back on visits.

Does your DH ever lend her the large amounts of money that she is asking for?