Page 3 | My husband referred to me as a “bigger girl”

Biggergirl16 · 2024-12-09T09:40:55+00:00

To preface the thread, when me and my husband met I was a size 10 (this was 17 years ago). Sedimentary job, children etc and I’m now a size 14-16. Another friend had a baby this weekend, every person we know who has had a baby in the last 5 years has had c-sections for a variety of reasons other than me. In general conversation, I happened to mention to my husband that there seems to be a lot of csections, particularly amongst friends who would probably describe themselves as super fit/gym goers etc and that I found it odd that I was the only one who hasn’t had one. His response was “bigger girls like you…..” my face immediately dropped and he didn’t even bother to finish the sentence. He immediately started back tracking saying he didn’t mean I was fat etc. He has never really commented on my weight before, and I’m under no illusions that I’m “small” but I have recently already lost some weight and was feeling good about myself again. I just can’t look at him the same, it’s completely given me the ick. We were already going through a bit of a rough patch with work pressure, small children etc. I feel this has put the nail in the coffin of our already fledging sex life. He tried to cuddle me in bed last night and I just felt nothing but repulsion. Can I recover from this?!

zbw565 · 14/12/2024 20:05

Get over it. What kind of marriage is that? A proper relationship shouldn’t have to tip toe around each other like that

Thedandyanddude · 14/12/2024 19:59

Completely sympathise. I was describing a friend of mine to a bf once, as she'd gone through a fitness journey and I was trying but failing to describe how she was now muscular and he said "is she as big as you?" 🤔🙄

Thedandyanddude · 14/12/2024 19:57

WalterdelaMare · 09/12/2024 09:46

I’m sure that was a bit hurtful, but that is how he sees you. He didn’t say anything insulting, just a statement of fact.

Until recently I was a big 14 and my husband never mentioned it. I really wish he’d said something to shock me into addressing it sooner as I was in denial.

Lol its not a fact.

JLou08 · 14/12/2024 19:52

JacquesHarlow · 09/12/2024 10:17

Really sick of people doing this @NerdWhoEatsMedlar -

I am a “gym bunny” who plays competitive sport. I am a size 10 but I have enough “curves” to look decent in a dress

is there some possible way that we can stop belittling people who aren’t Sofia Vergara or Kelly Brook shaped, and accept that there are women who are slender and it’s attractive to some people?

the “adolescent boys” hips thing is just really mean and is often said by people who let’s face it, may not be happy with how they look but they sure as hell want you to feel worse first.

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Really nasty term to use. How could someone think it okay to say a woman's body is like an adolescent boy.

Engagebrain · 14/12/2024 19:26

Perhaps he meant your "V" was large?

Veryxonfused · 14/12/2024 19:00

Size 14 doesn’t mean much you could be 5’10 or 5’2 and carry it very differently

Also you say you’ve been trying to actively lose it- if you’ve mentioned this a lot you may have inadvertently put the idea in his head that you’re big and that it’s ok to say that around you

RobW1 · 14/12/2024 18:11

If a trifling comment like this from your husband is grounds for outrage, then I fear for your long term future together. I'm not sure why this is a particular trigger but it's probably a core schema for you. Was your mum a dieter and made constant comments on your weight, or perhaps it was your dad? Either way you may need therapy.

Cariadm · 14/12/2024 15:31

another1bitestheduck · 12/12/2024 23:28

over exaggeration much?

There's a fairly huge gap between overweight and "adult women with the body of a teenager" and "tiny skeletal frames."

If you have a "tiny skeletal frame" then you are clearly significantly underweight. A size 8 isn't going to be "tiny" or "skeletal" unless you are 6 foot or taller. It's healthy and slim. That doesn't mean anything over a size 8 isn't healthy, just that most women who are size 8 are not underweight.

For the "average" height UK woman of 5'4, anything from about 7 and a half, to 10 and a half stone is a healthy weight. It's just a fact that anyone over that, (and a size 14-16 is almost definitely going to be) is overweight. But there is still a whole THREE STONE (so nearly a THIRD of their entire body weight) range before they could be considered anything like "tiny/skeletal/unhealthy"

It's perfectly possible that someone is slightly overweight and still healthy, possibly even healthier than someone who is in the 'ideal' weight bracket, depending on multiple other factors. For all your defensiveness, it's YOU that is positioning being overweight as somehow automatically a "bad" thing, rather than just a statement of fact.

Being overweight doesn't have any automatic correlation with being unattractive, lazy, or bad in anyway. It just means you are carrying more weight than is ideal for your height. That's it. Going from 0-100 shrieking "WELL IF SIZE 14 IS FAT THEN I GUESS WE'RE ALL DISGUSTING UGLY HEIFFERS UNLESS WE WEIGH LESS THAN 6 STONE" is completely incorrect and unhelpful.

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"WELL IF SIZE 14 IS FAT THEN I GUESS WE'RE ALL DISGUSTING UGLY HEIFFERS UNLESS WE WEIGH LESS THAN 6 STONE"

It's society and the media that is 'shrieking' this, not me! I did not exaggerate anything!
I totally agree with much that you have said but you have completely misconstrued my post...🙄

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 14/12/2024 10:04

Themaghag · 12/12/2024 21:05

Frankly, I'd do anything to have hips that resembled those of an adolescent boy - in fact, I can think of no greater compliment!

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Ew

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 14/12/2024 10:03

RabbitsRock · 09/12/2024 09:55

WalterdelaMare 14 isn’t big!

Exactly what I was thinking

another1bitestheduck · 12/12/2024 23:28

Cariadm · 11/12/2024 16:24

'So being size 14-16 is sensible though likely put women in the overweight category or more.'...'overweight' FFS!!! You say this sooo casually and this is the basis of the problem!🙄
Women sadly have been brainwashed into the idea that 'perfection' is for an adult woman's to have the body of a teenager (oh except for the massive boobs of course!) and anything over a size 8 is considered gross or even worse 'fat'. 😠
This total and encouraged obsession with 'skinniness' has led to a huge rise in anorexia and many young girls (and boys) being clinically depressed because they simply cannot attain these impossible ideals of body weight and size, their self confidence is shattered and their feeling of 'self worth' on the floor! 😥
This desperately needs to stop but unfortunately with the advent of online influence growing exponentially as it has (TikToc etc) the chances of this happening are probably zero and girls and women will continue to have for role models images of women who can only maintain their tiny skeletal frames by hardly or not eating or photos that have been heavily 'photoshopped' constantly shoved in their faces...😱

Show quote history

over exaggeration much?

There's a fairly huge gap between overweight and "adult women with the body of a teenager" and "tiny skeletal frames."

If you have a "tiny skeletal frame" then you are clearly significantly underweight. A size 8 isn't going to be "tiny" or "skeletal" unless you are 6 foot or taller. It's healthy and slim. That doesn't mean anything over a size 8 isn't healthy, just that most women who are size 8 are not underweight.

For the "average" height UK woman of 5'4, anything from about 7 and a half, to 10 and a half stone is a healthy weight. It's just a fact that anyone over that, (and a size 14-16 is almost definitely going to be) is overweight. But there is still a whole THREE STONE (so nearly a THIRD of their entire body weight) range before they could be considered anything like "tiny/skeletal/unhealthy"

It's perfectly possible that someone is slightly overweight and still healthy, possibly even healthier than someone who is in the 'ideal' weight bracket, depending on multiple other factors. For all your defensiveness, it's YOU that is positioning being overweight as somehow automatically a "bad" thing, rather than just a statement of fact.

Being overweight doesn't have any automatic correlation with being unattractive, lazy, or bad in anyway. It just means you are carrying more weight than is ideal for your height. That's it. Going from 0-100 shrieking "WELL IF SIZE 14 IS FAT THEN I GUESS WE'RE ALL DISGUSTING UGLY HEIFFERS UNLESS WE WEIGH LESS THAN 6 STONE" is completely incorrect and unhelpful.

Themaghag · 12/12/2024 21:05

JacquesHarlow · 09/12/2024 10:17

Really sick of people doing this @NerdWhoEatsMedlar -

I am a “gym bunny” who plays competitive sport. I am a size 10 but I have enough “curves” to look decent in a dress

is there some possible way that we can stop belittling people who aren’t Sofia Vergara or Kelly Brook shaped, and accept that there are women who are slender and it’s attractive to some people?

the “adolescent boys” hips thing is just really mean and is often said by people who let’s face it, may not be happy with how they look but they sure as hell want you to feel worse first.

Show quote history

Frankly, I'd do anything to have hips that resembled those of an adolescent boy - in fact, I can think of no greater compliment!

Disturbia81 · 12/12/2024 16:12

@Cariadm That was to me.. I said I was anorexic at size 10 and slim at size 14. So its dangerous for that poster to say all size 14s are big. The majority aren't

laurwalsh · 12/12/2024 11:52

Cariadm · 12/12/2024 01:32

Not sure if your reply was to me but if so I most certainly DID NOT personally have an eating disorder... Please reread my post! 😠
'Size' when applied to the body is subjective and it is NOT a 'fact' that a 14 is 'big' per se but obviously it's 'bigger' than the say an 8 or a 10!! 🤔
Why on earth you would make any correlation between 'pretending' what size someone might be and the reasons for the development of anorexia is just bizarre and frankly shows your complete lack of understanding of the subject in general...🙄

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Hi, sorry it was in response to another poster stating she had anorexia and its dangerous to say a 14 size is big.

Whoknew24 · 12/12/2024 08:17

Cariadm · 12/12/2024 01:15

Nobody 'hates' or is jealous of you and if that's the conclusion you came to after reading my post well I guess that says more about you than it does about me?! 🙄
Your fervent and bristling description of your perceived perfection, of being able to eat well, exercise and be so attractive to men came across as smug because you completely ignored my concerns re anorexia and the low self esteem felt by many young girls not lucky enough to be able to maintain a 'slim' body for whatever reason! 😳
You have missed the point entirely and made it all about yourself... ☹️

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So you think your rant about slim people was ok. Thats the issue with people like you, you’ve convinced yourself that big is a real woman etc and all the slim people are skeletal and starve themselves. No most get off their backside and maintain it. And you were absolutely having a dig at slimmer people and being down right nasty.

I stand by my comments it’s jealousy, just like the original poster was jealous of her slim friends. She tried to have a little dig and it backfired.

Cariadm · 12/12/2024 01:32

laurwalsh · 11/12/2024 16:30

I’m sorry you went through an eating disordered but 14 is big. And that’s just fact. It’s not necessarily fat but it is big. And pretending it’s not isn’t going to stop anorexia.

Not sure if your reply was to me but if so I most certainly DID NOT personally have an eating disorder... Please reread my post! 😠
'Size' when applied to the body is subjective and it is NOT a 'fact' that a 14 is 'big' per se but obviously it's 'bigger' than the say an 8 or a 10!! 🤔
Why on earth you would make any correlation between 'pretending' what size someone might be and the reasons for the development of anorexia is just bizarre and frankly shows your complete lack of understanding of the subject in general...🙄

Cariadm · 12/12/2024 01:15

Whoknew24 · 11/12/2024 21:42

I find this absurd the hatred you seem to have for us slim women. Regardless of all the hate you all spout I bet my life on it it’s nothing mote than jealousy.

My size 8 frame is not skeletal, it’s a nice lean and toned shape. I also do not starve myself. I eat extremely well and exercise a lot throughout the week. I do this because having any weight on me rolls of fat, over spilling fat, cellulite etc would depress me out my mind. I absolutely feel great when I fit and slim. And after having 4 children I’d say I’m the best shape I’ve ever been in.

And fyi lots of men must like my terrible skeletal frame as I still get lots of attention, I often find it weird looking at pictures from 50s 60s and 70s most resemble my figure I wonder what went wrong.

Edited

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Nobody 'hates' or is jealous of you and if that's the conclusion you came to after reading my post well I guess that says more about you than it does about me?! 🙄
Your fervent and bristling description of your perceived perfection, of being able to eat well, exercise and be so attractive to men came across as smug because you completely ignored my concerns re anorexia and the low self esteem felt by many young girls not lucky enough to be able to maintain a 'slim' body for whatever reason! 😳
You have missed the point entirely and made it all about yourself... ☹️

NannaKaren · 11/12/2024 22:39

WalterdelaMare · 09/12/2024 09:46

I’m sure that was a bit hurtful, but that is how he sees you. He didn’t say anything insulting, just a statement of fact.

Until recently I was a big 14 and my husband never mentioned it. I really wish he’d said something to shock me into addressing it sooner as I was in denial.

“…a big 14”

Really?!?!?!?!

Whoknew24 · 11/12/2024 21:42

Cariadm · 11/12/2024 16:24

'So being size 14-16 is sensible though likely put women in the overweight category or more.'...'overweight' FFS!!! You say this sooo casually and this is the basis of the problem!🙄
Women sadly have been brainwashed into the idea that 'perfection' is for an adult woman's to have the body of a teenager (oh except for the massive boobs of course!) and anything over a size 8 is considered gross or even worse 'fat'. 😠
This total and encouraged obsession with 'skinniness' has led to a huge rise in anorexia and many young girls (and boys) being clinically depressed because they simply cannot attain these impossible ideals of body weight and size, their self confidence is shattered and their feeling of 'self worth' on the floor! 😥
This desperately needs to stop but unfortunately with the advent of online influence growing exponentially as it has (TikToc etc) the chances of this happening are probably zero and girls and women will continue to have for role models images of women who can only maintain their tiny skeletal frames by hardly or not eating or photos that have been heavily 'photoshopped' constantly shoved in their faces...😱

Show quote history

I find this absurd the hatred you seem to have for us slim women. Regardless of all the hate you all spout I bet my life on it it’s nothing mote than jealousy.

My size 8 frame is not skeletal, it’s a nice lean and toned shape. I also do not starve myself. I eat extremely well and exercise a lot throughout the week. I do this because having any weight on me rolls of fat, over spilling fat, cellulite etc would depress me out my mind. I absolutely feel great when I fit and slim. And after having 4 children I’d say I’m the best shape I’ve ever been in.

And fyi lots of men must like my terrible skeletal frame as I still get lots of attention, I often find it weird looking at pictures from 50s 60s and 70s most resemble my figure I wonder what went wrong.

LindorDoubleChoc · 11/12/2024 20:01

OMG how can there be 467 comments on this thread?

If OP is a size 14 she is a "bigger girl" whether overweight because she's short, or not overweight because she's above average height - but being above average height - that still makes her a bigger girl!

This is all about whether OP is U or not to be insulted because of how her dh describes her. My dh is overweight and I would say so and I would not expect him to be running to Mumsnet all upset that I described him (to him) as overweight because that would make him look really childish.

snowmichael · 11/12/2024 19:18

LetsNCagain · 09/12/2024 17:26

So it's ok to call thinner women inhuman names like "stick insect" but not to call less-thin women neutral factual words like "bigger"?

Make it make sense.

If a woman is slim she ceases to be a woman is that it? A stick insect, "an adolescent boy"?!

A woman is a woman, not a stick insect. She also isn't any less of a woman for having a c-section, either

Edited to be less ranty

Edited

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I think you might be missing my original comment - 'bigger' is not 'big'
I completely agree that it's a neutral word
I was responding to the bitchy cow who assumed I was overweight because of that

Marblesbackagain · 11/12/2024 18:27

Cariadm · 11/12/2024 16:24

'So being size 14-16 is sensible though likely put women in the overweight category or more.'...'overweight' FFS!!! You say this sooo casually and this is the basis of the problem!🙄
Women sadly have been brainwashed into the idea that 'perfection' is for an adult woman's to have the body of a teenager (oh except for the massive boobs of course!) and anything over a size 8 is considered gross or even worse 'fat'. 😠
This total and encouraged obsession with 'skinniness' has led to a huge rise in anorexia and many young girls (and boys) being clinically depressed because they simply cannot attain these impossible ideals of body weight and size, their self confidence is shattered and their feeling of 'self worth' on the floor! 😥
This desperately needs to stop but unfortunately with the advent of online influence growing exponentially as it has (TikToc etc) the chances of this happening are probably zero and girls and women will continue to have for role models images of women who can only maintain their tiny skeletal frames by hardly or not eating or photos that have been heavily 'photoshopped' constantly shoved in their faces...😱

Show quote history

I have no clue of tik tok or the nonsense you are talking. I am referring to medical fact of weight and healthy bands not exceptional at either end.

I stated a fact the majority of women of average height size 14 -16 are overweight in BMI terms. That is a medical fact all research report this quite regularly .

Being within a healthy BMI is for health reasons not appearance. But yes it is preferable for the individual and society. The cost of the obesity crises in countries is growing.

And part of the problem is the so called body positivity when the individuals are so large they are restricted from engaging in typical activities.

Hospitals are being forced to buy beds to facilitate humans who are now tipping weight that is completely impossible for health to be maintained.

The reality is that for women of average height which is c. 5'4" a size 10/12 is typically within healthy weight. After that the individual would need to be taller to meet the criteria.

I am 5'9" a size 10, if I was a 16 I would definitely be in the overweight if not obese category! As I am significantly taller than the average I fail to see how you are deducing the opposite!

Your take on my post was unfair. Medical facts should be kept at the centre of these discussions and not the societal exceptionally small or larger individuals.

Saying someone isn't obese when they are is not kind, it doesn't help them get healthy. Being honest isn't hurtful it is to try and help someone return to a healthy weight to have a longer and healthier life.

Disturbia81 · 11/12/2024 17:58

retinolalcohol · 11/12/2024 17:46

He said 'bigger', not 'big' - meaning relative to something else. Clumsy wording from him but just an expression of fact, really.

I'm a 'bigger' girl relative to my friends at size 10/12, because I'm 5 inches taller than them and have wide hips/shoulders where they don't.

You just need to get out of the mindset that smaller is somehow superior

Hard when the world thinks small = better. So of course hearing "bigger" from the person you are intimate and vulnerable with will hurt.

retinolalcohol · 11/12/2024 17:46

He said 'bigger', not 'big' - meaning relative to something else. Clumsy wording from him but just an expression of fact, really.

I'm a 'bigger' girl relative to my friends at size 10/12, because I'm 5 inches taller than them and have wide hips/shoulders where they don't.

You just need to get out of the mindset that smaller is somehow superior

5128gap · 11/12/2024 17:32

For goodness sake. Why do we have to endlessly debate something so subjective and relative and variable as whether a size 14 is 'big'? The man didn't even say it was big. He described the OP as bigger. As in bigger than the women at the gym. The OP could be a size 10 and bigger than those women. Just like she could be a size 20 and smaller than some other women. Her husband wasn't using it as an adjective but as a comparative adjective and that makes a world of difference.