My husband referred to me as a “bigger girl”

It can be hard to know what to say when mentioning size can upset someone but not mentioning it can also be the wrong thing to do

Sounds like a factual comment to me, you are bigger than the women you were referring to. You need to get your body issues sorted if you’re not happy with how you look and not take them out on your husband. He must be tired of having to tiptoe around you- if you’re not willing to try to lose weight then at least own it.

Yeah, that was a silly post. Slim women's hips are just as "sensible" as anyone else's.
Whatever sensible hips are!

Sorry, meant to quote @ACatNamedRobin

14-16 isn’t big generally speaking. Husbands who don’t know that ‘girl’ is not a phrase open to them for use need to get into the 21 century. Also, refrain from potentially uncomplimentary statements

If you are saying you are a 14-16 size then that is 'bigger' It's just a fact. I've been that size and I was an obese BMI.

I think you need to look at why you've had such massive reaction to this. He stopped saying it, he's tried to apologise. From what you've said here it doesn't seem to be that bad, so it's how you have received it that is the problem.

Yes, I also thought there was some unwitting racism in @NerdWhoEatsMedlar 's post.

The irony of this poster accusing the husband of speaking like a twat and being tactless 🙄

Let's be honest. You were being very judgemental about your smaller gym friends who had had C sections.

And then your husband calle you fat.

Touché!

This wouldn't bother me. I'm bigger. I am not in denial about this, and have talked about weight loss plans with my husband. I find it more annoying when people pretend I'm not, say "You're not fat!" or "You don't need to lose weight" both of which are undeniably, objectively untrue.

Your husband was perhaps insensitive to say this in company, OP, but your reaction is completely OTT.

Fucking hell @NerdWhoEatsMedlar

"Sensible adult woman shaped hips"

"slim hips that resemble adolescent boys"

WTF.

Slim women are actually women, do you know that???

And their hips are definitely woman shaped.

Do you also think that most of the women in say Japan aren't really woman like?

He meant bigger than the gym bunnies that you specifically mentioned, which is fair from what you have said, he didn't necessarily mean fat or anything derogatory. I would be secretly a little hurt (as a bigger girl myself) but I would get over it as he wasn't being nasty and he tried his best to backtrack. You are not perfect, he is not perfect, but presumably you have a life together and you will move on from this.

I think @pinkdelight had a good point with
The only difference is that in her head, that made her better/luckier whereas DH's comment instantly switched it for her into a major criticism.
Also, skimmed a bit so apologies if this has already been said but
I don't think the DH intentionally meant to insult her.

It seems like what stung her is that he unwittingly revealed that how he thought about her has changed because it revealed that he now mentally describes her to himself as a "big girl". Which hurts her because it might be revealing that he fancies her less than he did, when they first got together and she was a size 10, and because the comment popped up, not when they were discussing that, but in what she thought was a conversation about C sections, so it was a shock for her to see him thinking along those lines.

At the end of the day, if you've put on weight after having several children, who wants to be described as "a big girl", particularly if you've been making successful efforts to improve - it probably also stung her because she feels it reveals that he doesn't appreciate those efforts or finds her unattractive. And that stings.
It's hardly the most flattering description in the world is it?

This shows such a lack of knowledge about overweight people.
I completed the 3 peaks national challenge when I was obese.
Going running every day will not prevent you from being tubby.
You can't outrun a bad diet.. and you can't diet your way completely out of genetics.
Obviously running and eating well have a great impact on your health but they aren't necessarily going to prevent you from being tubby. Especially in middle age. Some people carry more weight than others naturally. The amount of effort people have to put in to remain thin can vary massively. Overall some people may prefer just to live a healthy life and be slightly overweight than starve themselves to fit a certain bmi.
People really fixate on weight in a way which is unhealthy imo. You can be fitter and healthier at a size 14 than any size 8. It's just more to do with the whole picture.
So of course you can be very active, run 5k daily and still be a size 14-16

You were basically bragging that going to the gym didn't stop your friends having sections.
Your dh was tactless but you were smug.

It sounds like DH just had a touch of foot in mouth disease. You were talking about your super fit/gym-goer friends. Maybe he should have found a different way to say non-superfit/ non gym-goer.

There's always one what?
Do you mean one person who thinks adults aren't children and shouldn't be referred to as such?

I think you are over-reacting. At size 14/16 you are bigger (I am the same size and consider myself bigger).

That's just a fact. Your husband should be free to talk honestly - perhaps lose the 'girl' reference. I think you are upset because he verbalised your feelings about yourself.

Sorry if this is blunt - I really feel that if our partners can't be honest, then what is the point?

@Itsacoldcoldwinter

I would be absolutely furious at being referred to as a " girl" , let alone the reference to my weight.

PMSL there's always one! 😂

I hate that phrase, it fucked me up so much as a teenager with people constantly commenting I was "a big girl"
Yes I'm 5ft 10 and broad, I wasn't fat in any way and if you stood me next to the men in the family you could see where it came from

I think it is about how you feel about yourself and also a bit your relationship.

I took would feel absolutely crushed by this. It would definitely affect our relationship and me wanting to have sex. But that's because of how I feel about myself rather than my DH saying that.

For context, I am the same size as you, also used to be a size 10, and honestly have an absolutely awful relationship with my body (always have). If he stated I was bigger (than I used to be or in general) it would be an objective truth. I am obese in BMI terms. However, I would emotionally view DH calling me "a bigger girl" as confirmation that he views my body the way I do, and that's what would break my heart.

Now, that doesn't make it true. DH claims he still fancies me, still thinks I'm beautiful. But that's how it would land. That's probably what you need to talk through.

So what's your point?
Why don't you actually articulate it?

Being slim has no relationship with needing a C section.

The few people I know who had C sections had them for a variety of reasons. It's actually more likely if a woman is obese or very overweight that they will be classed as 'at risk' and more likely to have a C section.

Being slimmer doesn't mean your pelvis is too small to give birth naturally.

But why do you need your husband to tell you/guide you/advise you?

Surely you know yourself if you're getting 'tubby' (as you put it.) Do you seriously have to wait for him to tell you?

And if you're both really active, and eat very healthily, and go running a lot (as you say) why would you get 'tubby' anyway? Your post here contradicts your previous post completely.

.

He’s actually wrong if he’s referring to “bigger” as meaning a bit of extra weight - bigger mothers in that sense (of carrying some fat) are more likely to need a C section.

If you’re a bigger frame he’s possibly right, but as you describe yourself as having been a size 10 when younger and only putting on weight with age, children, sedentary job, it doesn’t sound like you are a bigger frame. Not an insult - you sound exactly like me tbh!

How do you mean "mention"?
If you mean to bring it up with them as a health concern then it is never acceptable unless they have actually brought it up themselves or unless they are experiencing a medical issue due to their weight
Thinking that visually someone looks a bit fat now and you wanna bring up how ypu dont like it or how that might impact their health is absolutely never acceptable
I mean you can do it but I doubt your relationship will last.
If you really want to address the issue and not cause a rift then don't make it about weight.. start suggesting going on walks together to be healthier or start cooking healthy meals from scratch...
Commenting on how someone looks under the gusie of concern is never going to pan out well. It just hurts people it doesn't help them. If people are very noticeably fat then they are bloody aware of that they don't need it explaining to them.
And if they are on the cusp then you are making a personal visual judgement about what constitutes too fat and linking it to health.. which is shit and pointless.
So best not to make any comments regarding size or weight at all unless the person brings it up themselves or you know for an absolute fact its causing them a real medical issue.