My husband referred to me as a “bigger girl”

'Big' is not an insult, so why feel insulted by it?

This is nonsense. My very athletic, broad-shouldered friend who is 6 foot, is a size 14-16 and no one ever believes her because she is so slim! She is just tall and broad.

Clothes fit people in different ways due to their different body shapes - you can’t just assume size 14 is overweight let alone “very overweight”.

You probably haven’t been anywhere near “science” since school.

Im with PP, he could have just meant bigger as in built bigger, rather than fat.But also if you agree that you've picked up weight, uhmm then he is not wrong is he. I does not seem that he said it maliciously as he immediately apologised when you were offended.
Sorry OP, normally we're only offended when there is a grain of truth to it. If someone called me a loose woman or some such, I wouldn't bat an eye. However maybe if someone said something I'm already self-conscious about ie 'awhh your house is soo busy" meaning it could do with some cleaning, I'd probably be a bit offended, but only because there is some truth to it. Or "you loud girls". Cause yeah i have a tendency to speak too much or whatever.

I think you are overreacting, imo.

Also, take it or leave it, but an older woman once said a few things to me in relation to fighting/being angry with a spouse. She said: " I have sex with my husband because it softens me up to him". The idea that we withhold sex from our spouse because they said or did something wrong, causes a downward spiral. A.) then no one would ever have sex, because no -one is ever perfect, but b.) it just causes it to fester and you hold onto that. If I have sex, I'm softer towards my husband, it is almost like a conscious effort to forgive and get back together. I look at him in a different light, the father of my babies, the man I gave myself to ( and him giving himself to me- over and over again, despite my flaws and selfcentredness, the mistakes i repeat and repeat. etc etc) and I can get over a fight quicker, or we are both in a better place to talk it out - more connected.
Not saying that is why you didn't want to cuddle, but just in general, don't tie sex to performance. How well he treated you or whatever. Sex is there to unify a couple and withholding it often makes the fight worse and last longer. Not to add it becomes this thing I've seen countless times on MN. "Dh wants sex, but never treats me right/connects with me emotionally" and i promise if DH could speak he would say. "my wife withholds sex for every mistake I make, but wants me to cuddle her and give myself in an emotional way, (but physically she is always unavailable).

Depends on how tall you are. At 5'3" I would be big at a size 14

If you have a big nose, you have a big nose.

Breasts do sag as you get older. It's particularly of life we have to deal with. We can't just pretend it's not the case.

These are neutral things really.

It's assigning malice or preferences is the problem.

It's perfectly possible to love someone regardless of indeed in spite of. Or even more so, because of things that are imperfect.

There's a song by The Tears (some of you may be more familiar with them if I say Brett Anderson of Suede was a member) called Imperfection.

The lyrics go.

You grow your nails too long
There's scratches on your arms
You taste like orange chocolate
You always put your hands in my pockets
Your teeth are not quite straight
Your mood swings oscillates
Your language is appalling
And you play with my hair in the morning

Your imperfections are so beautiful
I can't control my animal soul
Your imperfections have got me on a chain
Can't concentrate

I'm a sucker for your beautiful mistakes
And sometimes when we kiss
You touch my fingertips
Synthetic words can't hide me
Passion creeps like death inside me
And slowly we become one
We stick like chewing gum
I want your language to be appalling
I want you to play with my hair in the morning

And actually I think it's a really good thing to reflect on and consider.

Do you REALLY want everyone to be blow up carbon clones of each other? Or is beauty and attraction also about our flaws and differences as well as those stereotyped features we are taught are desirable?

Honestly, a guy worth keeping is often also a guy who wants to be with you regardless of whether you are a size 6 or 16. Or married you even though your nose is long - because he thought it beautiful. Or understands that yes, your tits will go saggy at some point but he's signed up til death anyway.

We don't ever frame things in this way though. We see statement of fact as negative comments, but that's not necessarily the case. They are neutral.

We can take it as a slight or a compliment - depending on what we value most - personality / share experience or appearance.

I have to say if you relationship/self worth is based just on physical appearance then at some point you are going to become a cropper. Because it's inevitable.

That was my first thought too. I have hips like a teenage boy (they are still sensible though - they don't lie, for a start...) but I'm v. lanky and have unsensibly long arms so really couldn't be described as 'small'.
Sounds like a typical hamfisted man to me. Not that it's an excuse - it simply isn't on to comment on other people's bodies but you know yourself that size 14-16 isn't particularly 'big' at all (at least, I hope you do) and that this is just another reason on the very long list of 'Why men should keep their gobs shut'.

It seems an over reaction to an innocuously meant comment. The fact that you see sex as a favour you give your husband that you withhold if upset and got that upset about a badly worded comment means there are underlying relationship problems. Your husband didn't even finish his sentence when he saw he'd upset you so he's not insensitive. If you feel sick and nauseated at the sight of your husband the relationship is probably doomed.

In all honesty OP, you got exactly what was coming to you from the conversation in my opinion. Sorry to be blunt, but you were the one talking about weight, comparing sizes of your friends, insinuating that your fit gym going friends shouldve found natural births easier than you did. Your DH correctly was pointing out that you are bigger than them, which you had already said yourself. But you got mad because he said the same thing. Im also assuming he meant bigger hips would make natural births easier, so you're taking this way too seriously.
Just FYI, having a c section has nothing to do with weight or whether you are fit and healthy. Iv had both natural and c section births, I was the same weight and health both times. It's also not easier or getting off lightly by having a c section, I actually found that much worse. So your whole mindset around the subject is really insulting and completely inaccurate.

This!
I was very slim when a male friend said “ You’re a big girl, aren’t you!”

He was a short ass and I was taller than him.

"If you mean to bring it up with them as a health concern then it is never acceptable unless they have actually brought it up themselves or unless they are experiencing a medical issue due to their weight"

So if you're concerned your partners weight is skyrocketing and they're at risk of diabetes/heart disease, but they don't bring it up themselves, you wait until they have diabetes/heart disease before you mention anything?

@Rosie879 This was a question, regarding C-sections, OP, asked an opinion, which he tried to answer, there’s no comparison to saying it’s like saying, someone has a big nose or wrinkled skin.

Really, it serves you right op for judging other women for having to have c-sections, because really, that's what sparked the whole conversation. You were congratulating yourself for your vaginal births and having a little gloat that, in your view, all that gym-going just resulted in having to have c-sections.

Women who look down on other women who had to have c-sections give me the rage.

And, btw, it's not usually to do with "narrow hips" at all. There are myriad reasons why a c-section might be advisable, and some of them can be quite upsetting reasons.

I really hope your judgement/pity isn't apparent to your friends who had the c-sections.

Lol @ the typo, Sedimentary job. I often felt like little more than sediment at work. 🤣

But on a serious note, he sounds pretty crass and blunt. You know full well that you're not 'big'. Maybe slightly bigger than when you met but so what. That's nothing to do with wanting/needing a C-section.
And who cares how someone delivers their baby? As long as it suits them and the child.

Presuming he's no Adonis himself, I'd just tell him to choose his words more carefully. I guess maybe he isn't the major expert in women's health and reproductive system.

You’re fooling yourself if you think he hasn’t noticed whatever one of those you have and are insecure about. If the issue is that you don’t think he should point it out, if it makes sense in the context and he isn’t saying it to be malicious, then the problem is your own.

You can’t have a big nose and hope other people don’t notice it. If you so, you do, and that’s fine. Make peace with your own insecurities instead of taking it out on others.

i sort of agree.

im a ‘smaller girl’ (eeek) and both times I needed an emergency c section as babies got stuck trying to get down. My mum made a comment afterwards and said of course it was silly for you to try for a VBAC girls with your body shape aren’t good at having babies. Which I thought for a bit was a bit insulting but I’m over it now.

and I kind of think there’s some sense in that. Two friends who are bigger dress sizes had fabulous natural births

If you’re a bigger girl, you’re a bigger girl. If he didn’t mean it maliciously then it’s unfair to project your issues with yourself onto him. The repulsion you feel when he tries to cuddle you is towards your own body, not him. Don’t throw away a good relationship because you aren’t happy in your own skin - address that instead.

My partner calls me bigger and I am not insulted. I know I am and I know he likes that in a woman. He doesn't mean fat in fact he insists I'm not. I have a fuller bust, behind and large hips. I'm size 14 and its the biggest ive been but when he calls me bigger I feel complimented. Whatever is going on is more that just this comment between you both.

Re the comments about the husband stating a fact, I'm sure it's a fact some of us have a large nose, or wrinkled skin, or saggy breasts, for example. Having it pointed out by our husband wouldn't make it any less hurtful because it's true.

Why on earth would your husband telling the truth give you the ick?
Is it any wonder your marriage is going through a rough patch if he can't even speak his mind?
You appear ro be very sensitive about your weight gain, that's on you to deal with, not for him to have to lie about.
The fact is, compared to slim, fit, gym goers...you are a bigger girl!
Embrace it or change it!

I wondered this.
Totally tactless of him though.

OP, he meant this. Not that you are fat.

You are talking about c-sections so the size of the pelvis is the consideration, not how fat you are.

He realised it came out wrong and so clammed up. I think you need to address your own insecurities if you are feeling insecure about your weight.

I think this thread goes to show what a sensitive issue weight is no matter what your size. The moral of the story is don't comment on other people's weight unless you are willing to have your own commented on.

I am surprised you have not returned the favour. I absolutely would be commenting on his weight massively.

Unfortunate that this phrase is triggering for you, I would bring it up with him and talk it through. I doubt he meant to hurt you. I have gone from 10 to 14/16 and I know I am bigger now and over a healthy weight, its just a fact. But also c section has nothing to do with weight, I had a planned on due to the position of the baby, my friend had an emergency one, there are so many reasons for c section so you could educate him on that too, along with asking him not to use the term bigger girl, which is a horrible phrase but not worth ending your marriage over.

You’re bigger than you used to be. It’s a fact.

If he’s never referred to you this way in a derogatory manner, then you’re possibly projecting how you feel about the change in your size onto him. Are you happy with your health and fitness?