My husband referred to me as a “bigger girl”

14-16 is probably in the overweight or obese category although we’re all supposed to pretend otherwise. At that size someone is a ‘bigger’ person as in not slim, and in this case also bigger than previously.

After I had my first C section my family doctor said why did a strapping girl like you need a caesarean? I was 5ft 4in and 9 stone at the time, so not overweight, but not petite either.

You maybe like me, hyper sensitive to how you have aged.( Especially if your sex life hasn't been great.) You have choices but would suggest you talk about your feelings once you have really thought how do you feel. What you want to say, how do you think he may respond.. you need to be prepared for yep, I'm not finding you as sexy as when you were younger. And that's going to hurt ! Seriously the truth hurts and sometimes it's better not to know, as once you know, there is no turning back. I wish you well

Big in what way? Big compared to a size 10? Big compared to a size 20? Big if they are over 5’5”?? It is all relative. What good does it to do anyone to call them big? It will never not be upsetting and hurtful. Very few of us are walking around with perfect measurements and a perfect BMI.

We’re all entitled to our opinions but to deliberately point a finger at anyone over a certain size and declare them “big” or “large” makes my eyes roll. It also makes me wonder what the intention is behind it. To shame them into losing weight? To make yourself feel superior?

really?

And I agree there's a bit of a kind of gloating undertone to the original discussion. You were bringing up the physical state of other women's bodies as a contributory factor to them having c sections (which aren't uncommon for first time mums in particular, something like 30% of first births end in an emergency section) so you opened the field for discussions about body type/weight and the link to giving birth. You kind of laid a trap that your husband fell into by carrying on that discussion in what he believed was the same vein, but because it suddenly became personal to you, it was offensive.

Ok, vaginal birth then, which is classed as a natural birth(that’s what people are referring to in comparison to a c-section) You’re being way too over sensitive, most people understand the difference and don’t need it pointed out.

Being a size 10 doesn't mean that you don't have shape, or hips. I'm a size 8-10, more 10 atm, and I'm a pear shape, have hips and a small waist. We are all different shapes and sizes; weight does not change your natural shape, it just emphasises/adds to it. It isn't either or. Your pelvis can either fit a baby through, or it can't, and there are other varying factors such a baby size etc as well.

If I could go back I would have opted for c section, and not have allowed myself to be bullied into VBs, like it is some sort of badge of honour. I would have done so because of having traumatic long labours that were induced, failed epidurals, babies in SCBU, not because of any birthing issues (Thankfully that was the one part that went right).

Does he make you feel less than? Does he make you feel less attractive to him? Has he made comments about how "thin girls" are more attractive? Going by what you said here it doesn't seem like any of those things are the case, so why would you turn this into a huge issue.

Your obviously not happy with your body but, that's not his fault. Him telling you your bigger when you already know your bigger doesn't make you gain more weight! I think your ridiculous and I am big! I would find it far more insulting if my partner pretended I was thin when we are both very aware that is not the case!

And yet, despite this you say "you now can't look at him the same", I would walk away for his sake.

It must be very difficult to live with someone who over reacts in this way and to this extent-the extent that despite being a brilliant dad and supportive husband-it counts for nothing and his one-correct remark-mow means that he has given you the ick and you can't view him in the same way.

Poor sod, sounds as if he is walking on eggshells and not for the first time if, by taking one look at you, he knew he was in trouble and tried to explain himself/

@Petitchat It really can be. It's weird, I've lost 40lbs and am almost a normal BMI again, but how I look now is actually how I thought I looked when I was 40lbs heavier. I avoided most photos but now looking back at the few that were taken during this time, it's quite shocking and upsetting to see what I actually looked like v what I imagined I looked like. There was a big disconnect somewhere.

The only link between being overweight/larger dress size and ability to give birth is a negative one I'm afraid. Generally excess weight increases risk. Pelvis width can be a factor, but the vast majority of women are not a size 8 or 16 because of anything to do with their skeleton, it's the tissue on the outside causes that, and is entirely irrelevant to what's going on inside. Your mum was wrong to say that to you. If you're a woman your body is as good for having children as any other woman's, being designed for it by nature of your sex.

I’m not sure that men would be thinking-through the variables of birth (in general) & he just came up with something in response to your conversation piece. And he did realise it wasn’t the right answer! I don’t think my DH would know what to say either…

I’m not sure how he insulted you, he didn’t call you fat which could be rude, he called you a bigger girl. He might like bigger girls, so it could be a compliment in his mind.

I think you are being a bit disingenuous op. It seems you were trying to feel better about yourself by putting down other woman. Oh they might have fabulous figures but I gave birth ‘properly’.
Your DH didn’t join in and now you feel embarrassed and blaming him.

You've gone from a size 10 to 14-16. Clearly you are bigger.

Same here.
We didn't realise ourselves and daughter was so fat until we saw ourselves in the holiday pics.

All of us looking bloated with round faces. It was quite a shock !!!!

Why don’t you ask her what her BMI is? Then you’ll know if she’s overweight or not!

FYI I’m not saying BMI is a great method, it doesn’t reflect muscle mass vs fat for example. So if you friend is very athletic and bulky as a result and that’s pure muscle then her BMI will come out as overweight or obese but she arguably has nothing to worry about. Doesn’t change the fact she will be medically overweight/obese.

I also don’t think finding odd examples changes the fact. The vast majority of women who are a size 14-16 will be medically overweight or obese. It’s a fact.

This

DH and I have always been pretty honest about each other's weight. If one of us is fat (which we have both been at various points) then we don't pretend that isn't the case. We've both lost a lot of weight and are kind of in shock about how big we had let ourselves get, so perhaps we should have been a bit more honest with each other! But we have made comments to each other in the past about being worried about the other's health, that sort of thing.

When I was a size 16, I wouldn't have been offended by my husband calling me 'bigger' because I was. I was obese 🤷‍♀️ It wasn't a value judgement on me as a person or how he feels about me, but I was definitely in the 'bigger' category. I think sometimes though that we let weight creep on over time and don't realise how bad it is till someone makes it seem us through another lens, and I think perhaps that's the upsetting part.

In my teenage and school years, I got called "a strapping lass"
I always felt like a farmers daughter or something.
I hated it.

Now I think it's funny ......

Well… some girls are bigger than others

While I'm here can I just point out that the phrase "natural birth" pisses me off and I'm sure I'm not the only one. [Not directed at op but the many pp who have used the phrase]

Giving birth vaginally isn't necessarily "natural" as there are heaps of interventions that you could argue aren't "natural". Pain relief, instruments, episiotomy, antibiotics, etc. Even if you didn't use them, they were there as backup, and thank god they were.

Ffs why is it that making use of the miracle of modern medicine should be something we're supposed to be ashamed of?! Only in childbirth apparently.

Without intravenous antibiotics, I'd have died of sepsis after my first birth. So would many other mums. So, kindly FO with "natural birth"

Op you were also making some judgments or observation too as you mentioned these were fit/gym ladies yet having CSec?

Why is it ok to do that and he can't make his own observations just like you?

WTAF?!?!

Honestly, if you can't talk about your weight in a relationship, regardless of what size you are then you have a communication problem and that's what's going to doom your relationship not your self confidence issues or a lack of tact.

More so if your weight has reached a problematic stage.