To stipulate minimum number of nights at home for DD?

@CrazyGoatLady she is not treating the OP badly. She has been seeing a boyfriend for 8 weeks, so spending lots of time with him. That is all.

OP ignore those here specifically to goad. They are easy to spot and get a little frisson if you reply so just ignore the losers. You are right to expect better behaviour from your daughter. She sounds rather entitled sadly. Probably had a very easy life and now expects everything while giving nothing. Good luck.

I am quite shocked that you suggested your DD moved out and lived with a boyfriend she has only been seeing for 8 weeks. That was a terrible suggestion.

You will be getting child benefit for her because she is only 18 and doing her A Levels. That is because you are still expected to financially support her. So charging board would be extremely unfair.

It feels like the issues need to be separated here @teenmumstress24

The disrespect and lack of help with chores when she is there are a separate issue to her not spending time at home/with you because she's wrapped up in the boyfriend.

The reason I say to separate them is because treating you poorly and not pulling her weight when she is there are boundaries that need to be asserted for the good of everyone. But the second thing about how much time she spends at home is about the relationship between the two of you and between her and the rest of the family. Calling her out for being disrespectful or unpleasant/not pulling her weight is one thing, but guilt tripping her for not spending time at home is another. It is normal for her to be pulling away and asserting her independence at this stage, and being wrapped up in a new bf is very normal teen behaviour. Forcing her to spend more time at home is likely to push her more towards the boyfriend. So there's definitely something here about picking the battles you need to have, and the boundaries and standards that are most important.

@teenmumstress24 no one is saying you can’t have feelings.

Being sad, frustrated, angry - all perfectly normal in a big life change.

Needing medication to offset panic attacks, anxiety and sleepless nights and wonder if you should threaten your child with downsizing or moving out because she’s had a boyfriend for 8 weeks and isn’t home enough to sit with you and a 3 year old is not feelings.

It’s a complete and utter overreaction and emotional manipulation even if you haven’t said this to her, that is going to alienate your daughter and drive a tank through your relationship.

Some posts are harsh but sometimes that’s what it takes to break through from only wanting validation to acknowledging that you can fix it as well as break it but only through changing what you are currently doing.

One rule I would impose is that if she says something about going /doing with little sister that she in turns up

This 100%.

Hopefully it's just a teenage relationship with an unhealthy intensity and nothing more sinister but it's important to notice the red flags.

The responses on this thread are honestly eye opening as to how abusive teenage relationships are able to happen under parents' noses.

If the OP's daughter was 30 and the OP had referenced these red flags (sudden behaviour change, isolating from family members, spending 100% of their time immediately with their partner) posters would have been saying unanimously that he was bad news, this was signs of abuse etc.

But because they're teenagers the OP's concerns about the BF are dismissed, she's told its normal for their age and she's crazy and unreasonable to think otherwise.

I think the absolute worst thing you could do right now is move her out of her bedroom. That gives her a clear message that she’s not welcome or as important as her half-sibling.

The boyfriend won’t last. She’ll be back home with you soon and needing your support. Teenagers can be arseholes, especially girls. So many of my friends with teen girls have a hard time around this age. There is a lot of grinning and bearing it.

I was this teenager (sort of, no swearing) except I was at home Monday to Thursday nights. I would then leave at about 5pm on a Friday night, stay at my friend's, go to work Saturday, and spend Saturday night at my boyfriend's. Home Sunday afternoon.

I think the mistake that many mums make (mine included) is trying to disguise the personal offence taken at their child being out all the time under a layer of what seems like reasonable objections. As in, thinking surely nobody can argue that I'm being unreasonable saying she has homework/chores/is wasting the biggest room. When actually both the mum and teenager know the mum wants them at home for selfish reasons. Honestly the more hurt my mum expressed the more I wanted to be out so I didn't have to see how she felt. It was a vicious cycle.

I think you need to choose a route. You can either put your foot down, move her room and do the aforementioned washing/cooking/paying for Ubers strike or, as someone said, drop the rope and reverse psychology it with a last conversation saying fine, you'll be the one suffering the consequences if your grades drop and a gap year becomes no uni. think I'd choose the latter.

Actually i disagree. Sometimes teenagers need to know where the boundary is and i know a few it worked very well for! People seem terrified to remind teenagers who the parents are!

Ignore the typos, I didn't proof read!

Your tone comes across as really arsey, even to people who are trying to be helpful.
I genuinely suspect this is coming across to your daughter and may be part of the issue.
I know you say nothing has changed, but she is changing, she is growing up and may pick up on subtle difference of tone etc in a way she would not have preciously. She will be seeing a wider range of interactions in other families and comparing them.

I honestly think you feel more people are getting at you when they are just asking you to look at this from another perspective. If you are struggling with you mental health I am sure you may this is part of it. But your daughter will definitely be picking up on it.

When a bit of time has passed why don't you revisit this thread. Ignore the posters who are being blatantly rude, but have a look again at some of those who have been through this stage and consider what they have to say. It doesn't mean you're in the wrong, just bumbling along like all of us to figure it out.

Cross posted!

There are always some who pile in for a bun fight.
However on this thread there a lot of posters giving sensible advice based on their own experience of navigating this situation with older teens. Listening to them may help the OP with achieving what she says she wants to, maintaining a close relationship with her daughter.

And the OP has acknowledged and is thanking those who have offered sensible advice.

People don’t hold back in AIBU. I’ve had my arse handed to me a few times here.

But if people aren't holding back to the point of actual rudeness, I'd say that is not robust debate. It's far beyond that.

It could be argued that rudeness and insults actually are detrimental to robust debate, as it makes the person with whom you're disagreeing justifiably angry and upset. They're then less likely to consider any sensible points that you did make. (I'm using 'you' to mean generally/collectively here, not 'you' to mean you personally.)

There are always some who pile in for a bun fight.
However on this thread there a lot of posters giving sensible advice based on their own experience of navigating this situation with older teens. Listening to them may help the OP with achieving what she says she wants to, maintaining a close relationship with her daughter.