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AIBU?

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Original poster

To stipulate minimum number of nights at home for DD?

756 replies

teenmumstress24 · 09/12/2024 08:48

DD turned 18 a few months ago. Her 18th birthday coincided with her meeting a new boyfriend who she is inseparable from. She spends around 1-3 nights per fortnight at home, and that's only to sleep / occasionally grab food or a shower. She doesn't converse with anyone (unless to ask for lifts or to borrow cash), and she certainly doesn't do any housework. Since this time there have been numerous issues and arguments; mostly around the following themes:

  • constant requests for lifts from me or partner (although this has declined since her boyfriend passed his driving test a few weeks ago as he's seemingly the taxi now)
  • never doing any housework
  • never being at home long enough to converse with anyone and all her interactions being requests for something
  • letting me and her little sister down after agreeing to do something with us and then dropping us in favour of the boyfriend (little sister is only 3 so doesn't understand and gets very upset about her big sister not being there)
  • more recently me and my partner (her step dad) we're both told to "fuck off" when we were unable to facilitate a lift whilst juggling bedtime and household tasks between us after work one evening (she later apologised for this; but it's left a very sour taste)
  • boyfriend got involved in disagreement following the above incident, and whilst I was the on the phone to her during a heated discussion about that, I was apparently on loudspeaker as I could hear the boyfriend chirping up "just hang up on her" (to my daughter about me)

I'm at my wits end and I can't take anymore. I've contact the GP for some medication to take the edge off because I feel so low and as though I've basically lost my daughter. I've tried telling her miss her, I'm sad about it all, I want her to spend more time at home, etc. She still doesn't. All I get from her is, "it's normal for me to want to be at his house more often he's a new boyfriend". However, she makes time for her dad, her dad's side of the family, my sister (her aunt who's she close to), her friends, and her boyfriend. The only person she lets down and seems to not want to be around is me.

She pays no board (she's at college and works part time earning only about £70-100 a week so I've never taken any money off her). I pay for her phone contract. She doesn't contribute to the food shop here but does buy her own takeaways etc . Her only regular bill is a gym membership.

I've suggested to her since she appears to not live here anymore that she moves out and pays her boyfriends mum board? The response was "I don't want to move out". But 1-3 nights here a fortnight on average would suggest she pretty much has moved out. She has the largest room in the house and it's just wasted space, it's never occupied.

My AIBU is, would I be unreasonable to stipulate that if she wants to continue to live here that I put in place the following rules:

1- she actually occupies her room more regularly than 1-3 times a fortnight? So set a minimum number.
2- she pulls her weight with household tasks and until I see her doing so on a regular basis without any prompting or nagging, I will charge her board. I will stop charging board once she pulls her weight regularly.

Does this sound reasonable? My head is a total mess with it all, I'm struggling to disentangle the emotion from the practical side, so it may come across as garbled. I'm not a good place with it all tbh as I feel so lost and as though she just dislikes me for some reason 😔

Any help appreciated.

OP posts:
Mabelthetable · 10/12/2024 18:20

You are being extremely unreasonable. She's a teenager in love. If you want her at home, let her boyfriend stay sometimes. Ask her not to break promises to her little sister. Other than that, back off.

Rhaenys · 10/12/2024 18:06

I’m sorry but you sound really emotionally immature.

Laura95167 · 10/12/2024 18:05

I'm not sure i understand the issue. If it's money, charge her rent. If it's chores, give her some. If it's the space move her room. If it's you miss her nag less and arrange a family night or something.

She's doing A levels, she's 18, has a nice BF, little and entitled maybe but sounds a good girl that you've done well with

Errorcreatingusername · 10/12/2024 18:02

Wow I think I’d have told you to fuck off and moved out of you tried to dictate how many nights stayed at home at 18.

yer give her the smallest room, get her to clean up after herself and say don’t make promises you can’t keep. But forcing her to stay in at 18? Yabu

i have an 18 year old and a 22 year old and they basically come and go as they please. It’s nice to see them and have the odd meal or afternoon out but I want them to be out having fun with their boyfriend/girlfriend not hanging out with us two oldies lol

Tallzaragirl · 10/12/2024 17:47

Haven't read all of the replies but I'm sorry yabu.

I have a 16yo son and so I do feel your pain. But all you'll do is push her away.

Obviously the swearing at you is unacceptable and so is letting you down.

But she's just doing what young people do. It could all end with the boyfriend you can't ask her to move out.

Original poster
teenmumstress24 · 10/12/2024 17:40

@Sushu thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
teenmumstress24 · 10/12/2024 17:40

@Rosecoffeecup thank you

OP posts:
exaltedwombat · 10/12/2024 17:39

Is she keeping up with college and doing her job reliably? I'd let her be. She's having a good time. But it could all end tomorrow. Are you going to take away her 'safe space'?

Original poster
teenmumstress24 · 10/12/2024 17:39

@socks1107
That sounds great and I hope to be able to get to a place where I'm as relaxed and comfortable with our "new" relationship as that. Sadly I'm not the sort of mum who can just wake up one day after 18 years of raising my daughter and suddenly find she's a different person with a newfound independence, and I instantly feel absolutely great with that. At the moment it's all brand new to me as she's only just turned 18 and started to pull away from me, so it's a transition process isn't it, and I need to navigate that and process my feelings as I go. I'm sure in time it will all make more sense and I'll fall into my role as her mum but in a different way - but given I've never been the mum of an adult until now, this is going to take time.

OP posts:
Rosecoffeecup · 10/12/2024 17:33

Glad you had a good chat with her, sounds very constructive. She will want to feel heard - we all do - so do make sure you keep up the efforts to get to know her fella, I'm sure it will mean a lot to her, even if you are sceptical about the longevity of the relationship.

Hope things continue to improve for you both

socks1107 · 10/12/2024 17:27

I've let my daughters do this without any fuss and its the best thing. Of course they want to be with boyfriends more than mum it's natural!
Now at 21 and 18 we spend days together but there's no demanding of their time and they appreciate this. Sometimes I even say to them if they are out and haven't seen me much that they should prioritise their lives as I always be around in the background.
It's hard work managing teens but I'd let her be

Sushu · 10/12/2024 16:51

You handled the discussion really well. It sounds like clear and honest communication will be really helpful. Am aware teenagers aren’t the best communicators (!) but it sounds like she knows the door is open.

She is an adult but only just and she probably thinks she knows it all. You’re her safe space and although it might feel shit, know that she trusts you and that’s key.

Original poster
teenmumstress24 · 10/12/2024 16:39

@Hayley1256
Honestly the teen years are so stressful imo! It makes every toddler tantrum look like an absolute breeze. It's the letting go of my baby, my little girl, I am struggling so badly with that and it's taken me by surprise just how hard that's hit me. 😭 I'm savouring every moment of that with my youngest now as I know how this feels and it comes round so quickly!

OP posts:
Hayley1256 · 10/12/2024 16:09

I'm glad you've been able to talk to her and both be honest with each other, hopefully this will be a turning point! I'm dreading the teen years with my DD

Original poster
teenmumstress24 · 10/12/2024 15:57

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 10/12/2024 11:02

Sounds like you made real progress last night OP. Glad it has eased your mind a bit.

It has! Thank you Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
teenmumstress24 · 10/12/2024 15:56

Downtherabbithole19 · 10/12/2024 06:32

My mum was like you, I worked and was at college, met my boyfriend at the time and naturally started spending more time with him and my friend's, being 18 and having a bit of independence and freedom.

My mum had an issue with this, always had a moan or an opinion, so I spent more and more time with his family where I felt less judged or nagged at. And eventually I moved out at 19 because I had enough of it. And surprisingly in my 30s we are NOT close. She always has an opinion always wants me to put her needs and feelings first, and to appease her and what she wants from me. She's 18 she's finding her independence, she's excited about a new relationship, no she shouldn't be disrespectful, but if you keep on at her you'll push her away.

You cannot possibly know that I'm anything like your mother from one post.

Did you read my update? The fact we have had a good heart to heart and both shared our feelings is a good sign and I'd say bodes well for our future closeness.

OP posts:
CandyMaker · 10/12/2024 14:10

@MocktailMe presumably you were not at school/college doing A Levels?

MocktailMe · 10/12/2024 13:08

SpecialKate · 09/12/2024 16:22

If I'd "laughed in my mum's face" I'd have been looking for somewhere else to live...that very same day.

I trust your own teenagers afford you the same level of respect you seem to have had for your own mother; you clearly deserve it.

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I don't have teenagers. I did also pay rent to live at home when I was 18, I think that changes the dynamic.

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 10/12/2024 11:02

Sounds like you made real progress last night OP. Glad it has eased your mind a bit.

Cluelesssanta · 10/12/2024 10:57

I can't believe there are people on this thread who would charge their child rent, when they are in sixth form college, doing A levels. Unless people just aren't reading the OP properly?

drspouse · 10/12/2024 10:48

JudgeJ · 10/12/2024 08:12

But you can't see information about her progress at University, not sure about A levels at College, because she's an adult!

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You can't claim CB at university either

JudgeJ · 10/12/2024 08:12

TickingAlongNicely · 09/12/2024 09:02

You can still claim child benefit for her for example if she's in full time education.

Show quote history

But you can't see information about her progress at University, not sure about A levels at College, because she's an adult!

Tumbleweed101 · 10/12/2024 06:59

I think this is pretty normal. My 18 and 24yo are at their boyfriends more than they seem to be home. My only stipulation is they let me know whether they will need dinner otherwise I’m just cooking for me and my youngest.
They do help with stuff at home though if I ask. My main concern is my 18yo still goes to college and if I heard she isn’t I’d be taking a slightly firmer hand then, but she is going to college and work.
We raise them so they can be independent and this is the first steps towards that.

CyranoDeBergerQuack · 10/12/2024 06:39

teenmumstress24 · 09/12/2024 08:53

Thanks for the input.

Just to say - I said to her very clearly if you want to move out that absolutely fine, but her response was "I don't, I want to stay at home". Which she never is, so that's mixed messages.

Also, she's using the bathroom and the shower on a regular basis, so she should be helping to clean that surely?

She is 18
She isxearning money
She is taking the piss.
So,
You take £30 a fortnight as a taken rent/contribution to washing and use of facilities
Tell her if she continues to be rude or not speak when she is home, she is not welcome as you will not tolerate such behaviour

Downtherabbithole19 · 10/12/2024 06:32

My mum was like you, I worked and was at college, met my boyfriend at the time and naturally started spending more time with him and my friend's, being 18 and having a bit of independence and freedom.

My mum had an issue with this, always had a moan or an opinion, so I spent more and more time with his family where I felt less judged or nagged at. And eventually I moved out at 19 because I had enough of it. And surprisingly in my 30s we are NOT close. She always has an opinion always wants me to put her needs and feelings first, and to appease her and what she wants from me. She's 18 she's finding her independence, she's excited about a new relationship, no she shouldn't be disrespectful, but if you keep on at her you'll push her away.

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