To stipulate minimum number of nights at home for DD?

I consoled myself by remembering that teens are like toddlers - just as unreasonable on occasion. Hang in there. She’ll come out of the other side.

She will feel pushed out, it’s her home all she is doing is living her life .

She is still a kid and her home is her security .

Your not dealing with it well .
its like emotional blackmail .
She loves you . She is just being a tennager

I think perhaps your mental health problems are making you catastrophise a situation that's actually not that bad.

It's normal (not to say it's acceptable! But unfortunately not unusual) for 18 year olds to be rude and not do housework.

It's normal (and, I would say, acceptable) for 18 year olds to want to spend a lot of time with their boyfriend, and less time with their parents.

Your reaction is over the top (not saying this in a harsh way, but in a way that hopefully you can remind yourself of this, whenever you are feeling heartbroken or like crying or having a panic attack). There is no need to take it all so personally.

If you hold a safe and welcoming space for your daughter, she'll come back when she's ready. If you come down hard on her for doing normal teenager things, you'll push her away (possibly into more dangerous places).

I’m sorry - teenagers are hard work. Either you get one who is out all of the time and foul when sees you or one who doesn’t have boyfriend / loads of girl pals and is foul about that.

However, she is still a schoolchild living under your roof and you’re her mum. Is it possible you’re expecting too much from her as you see her as grown up compared to your younger children? I never expected my daughters to do much in house in key exam years. Does she get your undivided attention at any point when you’re not telling her off ( for admittedly bad - but pretty standard teenage behaviour)? I’d welcome the taxi service to get a chance to talk to her - about trivialities at least at first.

To be brutally frank, if you didn’t have younger children/ a second family and more demands on your time, then she’d be your focus and you might see her as what she is - a kid needing guidance and support.

I would definitely not change her room - you risk her leaving altogether and she needs stability in this key school year. That’s what would worry me - whether the focus on the boyfriend will screw up her academics/ future, and perhaps the lack of kindness to little sister. Can you speak to her dad and see what he thinks with focus on academics etc ? If she’s in maximum boyfriend infatuation and ‘anti-mum’ phase ( and they all do at points) dad may be able to get through to her better.

*patience!

I think you're being a bit harsh OP. She's just turned 18, still in education and is sensible enough to be earning her own pocket money. I personally wouldn't charge board until she's in full time work. Obviously the swearing at you is wrong but that's a different issue.

It's unlikely the boyfriend will last forever, let her get on with it and be there for her when it all goes tits up and she moves back in full time.

Ah I feel for you OP, but I think this is just 18yos for you. I know I wasn't at home much then, and if I was I was in my room. Luckily my parents didn't take it to heart - needless to say I look back now and think they had the patients of saints!

Are you sure she's actually spending the amount of time you think she is with her dad?

Could you try and invite her to do something she'd really enjoy, just you and her? Maybe she'd be more likely to show up for that.

Other than that, I think you might just have to grit your teeth and bear it until this new romance dies down a bit.

@teenmumstress24 minus the last two which are u acceptable ,,, all of this is the teenage years .
Why would you force someone who isn’t making a mess to do chores ?
yes she lets you down with plans (she is a teenager ) distracted with her first boyfriend .

I wouldn’t force my daughter to move out of leave the door open for her to come back when she needs too

You are missing her and not dealing with it correctly . You have to take a step back don’t be so emotional and needy .

She will be back in time .

Your current approach isn't working. So my advice is stop doing what you're doing.

She's treating your house like a hotel, the phrase was designed for teenagers!

She is also obviously very comfortable with your relationship, knowing that she doesn't need to be with you allow the time for you to know she loves you. That's a good thing!

No matter how you think you're coming across, be aware that it may not be how she perceives it. I'd back off completely. Let her enjoy the honey moon phase of this relationship knowing that her home and her family are safely there for her whenever she needs them.

And prepare yourself for more of this. We have to get used to our teens flying the nest. It's not easy!

1. shes given you an apology whether in your opinion it was half arsed or not. What more do you want that a “sorry, shouldn’t have said that.”? It seems like you won’t let this go and want her to grovel.
2. whether the BF is involved in discussions or not over the phone, he’ll sure as hell be involved once the phone is put down as she’ll likely confide in him. You might not like it but he would have been telling her to put the phone down because you were upsetting her.
3. You either want her to spend more time at home or you don’t. If wiping down the shower is such a dealbreaker then stop nagging her to be home more.
4. unfortunately, 18 year olds are inherently selfish. It’s ok to tell her you’re not happy she let her sister down but again, one conversation and one apology should be enough. Don’t expect her to grovel or keep bringing it up.
5. stop telling her you miss her, it sounds guilt tripping. You can show you miss her by being pleasant when you see her and valuing the time she does spend with you.

If you really want to salvage your relationship with her I really do think you should take note of the perhaps 80% of responses that say you’re pushing her away. We’re not here to make you feel bad. You need to acknowledge that the majority here do think your behaviour is putting more of a wedge between you. We didn’t all wake up this morning and think, “I know what I’ll do today, upset @teenmumstress24 ”, we’re giving honest opinions based on what you’ve told us.

No, the gap year is not necessarily "bad news". It depends what she wants to do with it. Young people can grow up a lot during a gap year, whether working or travelling. And they are a lot more mature at uni if they go after the gap year.

Also, university is not for everyone.

Sushu is quite right and you're very rude.

You just don't want to be told you're wrong.

No wonder she and her b/f prefer it at his home.

I’ve posted a few times on this with advice based on my own experiences. From that last one alone (and then your admission in your next post re panic attacks) all I can say is your poor daughter.

You have two separate but interlinked issues. Your DD reaching 18 and behaving as an 18 year old is triggering old trauma and she’s 18 and behaving like an 18 year old.

Absolutely nothing triggers unresolved trauma like our kids, they’re our closest relationships and we’re heavily invested in them doing ok so of course you’ll be triggered by what you see in her. You need to address the original trauma which is what your GP might be able to help with.

For your own sanity and your relationship with your DD it’s important to recognise it’s the trauma, not her, causing your distress. I’ve had similar with my younger DD and taking that step back to see what was fuelling the fire made a huge difference to how I approached my girl.

Once you’ve done that you can think more clearly about what you want in terms of boundaries. Cleaning up after herself and having a clear focus on her studies is helpful, talking about X number of nights at home and moving bedrooms is much less helpful. Think about the relationship you want from her and work to build that from your end - she needs you to hold the rope for her while she figures things out. So consistently showing understanding, holding your own boundaries, not getting into meaningless conflict, making home an easy place for her to be.

I’d not be asking her about moving out or changing bedrooms, she needs a secure base to navigate from and nothing says “transactional relationship” more than “I have a better use for your room”. It’s clearly been ok for her to take up that space until now, will it really make that much difference for however long she’s at home for.

It’s very hard to loosen the apron strings, but your reaction is pretty extreme - address the trauma and go from there.

Are they caused by your DD or do you suffer anyway?

At 18 both my DDs were at Uni so I'm afraid I can't offer any advice but I think @Tengreenbottles2 has given the best response here

If she ultimately leaves because she feels pushed out you may regret it for the rest of your life

Have you asked if the BF wants to spend time at your house and stay over? Try making him feel welcome as well

The gap year is bad news. What did she WANT to do? How can you work to sell this to her as being the best possible outcome for next September? Can her Dad come on board and big up the benefits of uni?

No man will ever give up his education/future for her, and she is delusional to do that for this randomer she is dating right now.

If her boyfriend really loves her he will still be there if she is at uni.(I mean, obviously he won't be, he'll vanish in about a fortnight, but she might not know that).

It feels like you just want her home to do chores or get some benefit (board) from her being there, she’s your child, even at 18, perhaps think about what you can do for her rather than what she should contribute to your household…just let the poor girl be, you might entice her to be home more if you were more welcoming and thinking less about what you can get out of her.

I think your reaction is odd - panic attacks and crying yourself to sleep over this is not proportional, perhaps talking therapy might be an option to get to the root of this issue?

Maybe she felt pushed out when you had a baby at what is often a difficult transition age for teens.

Honestly, 17 yos can be like this.

I would just smile and nod. She’s savjng you a lot in breakfast cereals.

And she’d still be asking you for lifts if she spent all her time with you.

Can you remember being 18? I can. I was always out. Your proposed rules sound draconian and will only serve to push her away. I absolutely would not stand for being told to fuck off, ever, but apart from that, I’d let her crack on. 18 year olds can be very self-centred.

I wouldn't be surprised to see the boyfriend's mum on here soon complaining that her son's girlfriend has basically moved in and doesn't pay board!

I agree with @wolfhat She let me spread my wings and made sure I knew this was always my home so if bf or uni went wrong I had somewhere to turn.

The first one is fine, the others are all annoyances, but not actually relevant the most important thing going on here, which should be her A-levels. Pick ONE battle (education!) and ditch the rest for now, at least until the exams are over.

I wouldn’t say anything yet. Try and calm down. I would be wary of pushing her further away. I say this as someone who had an unsuitable boyfriend at that age but it was easier to be with him than at home. Does he stay at your house?