To stipulate minimum number of nights at home for DD?

The issue is (again for those at the back or those being wilfully obtuse now): I miss my daughter and I want her home more so we can have some semblance of a relationship. She insists she wants that too, she insists she doesn't want to move out. But she continues to do the same over and over. I'm at my wits end, I don't know how to navigate this anymore!

So you miss your DD, but she’s 18, will be leaving home soon, you can’t needily force a relationship with someone. It’s like you need her to be your friend to be ok.

With the best will in the world, I think you’re working yourself up over nothing. She sounds entirely normal for her age.

You need to relax, or you’ll drive her away for good. I really don’t understand the drama. I guess you’re tired because you also have a wee one, but honestly, just be nice when she’s there and she’ll be more inclined to be there.

You’re actually very fortunate, maybe focus on that

If you’d posted about your mental health, separate from your daughter, you’d have got support. I am genuinely sorry you’re struggling and I do think you should see your GP.

Your DD does need to adjust her manners and treat you and the home with respect, which is what I said. I did agree with you! I’m reminding you that she’s 18- a hormonal young woman finding her way in this world. We are all only human.

Yes you are wrong for telling her that. Going by your posts she knows she’s loved and missed. My mum done the same, told me she missed me as a way, whether consciously or subconsciously, as a way of guilting me. You mightn’t even see it like that but that’s putting massive pressure on your daughter when she’s just trying to live her life.

I am in a similar situation, is the boyfriend welcome to stay at yours?

If you want to repair the relationship with your daughter you need to stop focusing on these nitpicking practical issues, such as size of bedrooms, paying board and wiping down the shower. You are creating a punitive dynamic which will only push her away. You need to accept that this is a very normal development stage for her and it is not a personal rejection of you. You are also creating a push-pull dynamic by saying you want her back whilst also criticising her - she will absolutely pick up on this, and it’s not healthy. This is obviously linked to past trauma and you need to seek therapy for yourself and also to avoid further rupturing the relationship with your daughter.

The best thing to do would be to leave her to it, and pick your battles - her education is more important than housework. The boyfriend likely won’t be around forever. Focus on doing nice things with your daughter, on spending some quality time - this will mean she is more likely to want to be home and also be beneficial for your relationship. This is just a stage OP, try to keep that in mind.

@teenmumstress24 I don’t know how you don’t get this .

Can you seek some Counseling ?

She isn’t dead OP .
We all struggle with our kids being independent and not needing us as much but you really are needing to talk with someone before you mess the relationship up with your daughter .

"Can't use the bathroom"??? Would you actually enforce that? I'm pretty certain that's abuse, disgusting idea.

OP I think you're getting a hard time here. If my 18 yo DD (I do actually have one currently) started spending that amount of time out of the house I too would be really worried and I don't have any of the previous trauma that you talk about. At that age all the schools/colleges that I know of still regard the parent as being responsible for the student hence we get told if they're skipping classes or their work has slipped and we still have a parents evening. I guess you have no idea what's going on with her A level work/Uni application etc since you don't spend much time with her.

Other people have come up with some great ideas but I think my plan would be;

Move her to the smaller room - the biggest one is wasted on her

Don't nag about chores but don't do her washing for her

Don't criticise the BF, she's 18, sooner or later she'll start growing up and will probably move on from him

Presumably she only asks for lifts when she's actually around so does she ask that often? I certainly wouldn't be giving her lifts if she was away from yours and asked to be taken somewhere.

As the saying goes, you can't change a person's behaviour but you can change your response to it so I would focus on that, hard as it is. As usual, all things must pass.

Good luck.

with all due respect Op, you’re not taking on board any advice from here. Not once have you questioned what you can change for the better. It’s absolutely no surprise your daughter is feeling and acting (bar telling you to F off, that’s unacceptable) the way that she is. Which to be brutally honest is not out of the ordinary for a teen anyway.

Don't do the washing. Leave it.

Explain to her she can't use the bathroom unless she cleans up after herself.

This is good advice.
Remain calm and try not to upset yourself.
18 is still very young.
The telling you to fxxk off is total line in the sand stuff.
Not for one second would i tolerate it.

Perhaps text her some of the above rules, without emotion.

If she continues to stay out, then switch the rooms.
She won't like it, they never do, but the biggest room shouldn't remain empty if she no longer lives with you much.

I’m all for young people paying their way but wanting to charge her when she’s studying for A levels is not ok. Good for her that she’s also got herself a job. But until she leaves school she’s your dependent.

When I was 18 my mother was the last person I wanted to spend time with, although we get on well now. And my mother didn’t have a toddler to avoid and a partner I was not related to.

There should be a red line over swearing and she does need to do some domestic work. But ultimately it’s your responsibility to sort yourself out.

OP, i hope you and your daughter can mend things. it sounds like she might just need time.

please don't take all her things out of her room and move your other child into there. you may think you are doing it for logical reasons, but she will see it as a rejection and you replacing her with your "new" family. a 3-year-old does not need very much space. let her keep her room.

Dsd1 was a bit like this through college - always out, not knowing if we should include her for meals etc. She wasn't rude though, and would stick to family plans.
We did move her into a smaller room but it was planned in advance - she knew she'd be travelling and that her sister would need more space.
So - I'd let her get on with it for now. Ask her to do her own washing and leave the bathroom clean and tidy. Sounds like she has learnt that being rude won't get her lifts so stick to that. For now I'd leave her room and keep paying for the phone (so she can always call for help/come home if needed). But depending on her post-college plans you could build up to the room swap or not paying the phone. The main thing is to not spring them on her whilst things aren't so good between you or it could feel like punishment or pushing her out. Good luck, it's a tricky time.

Yes I'd do the same. My home my rules.

I understand it's upsetting that she spends more time with her dad. I agree with others that in exam years, I would expect her to participate in housework.

Obviously the rudeness can't be tolerated but I also think that having a 3 year old at home has meant she struggles with her place. You seem to want to treat her like an adult rather than as your teenage daughter.

You sound like you miss her. I'd ignore everything else and start there.

How about arranging to spend some time with her for a coffee or lunch at a cafe?

The other things you can't control.

You can't really do that to an 18 year old.. all that will happen is she will move in with him! She's legally an adult. Making rules for her like that won't end well. And it's better if she doesn't move in with him as she's very young and that puts a lot of pressure on the relationship. Tread carefully here. You don't want to push them together. You'd be best off keeping neutral and allowing the relationship to run it's course. She's just at an age where she's naturally pulling away from you. But she will come back in time. Just don't push her further away by making unreasonable rules.

I think posters are being very harsh to you.

Wanting to spend time with her boyfriend and starting to fly the nest isn’t unreasonable, but the way she is treating you is not acceptable.

It’s not just the fuck off - that’s minor compared to being an uncaring user, and letting you down after arranging to see you and her baby sister. All teens are selfish but she sounds extra selfish for her age.

I wouldn’t change her room (her personal space), or ask her to move out while she is still doing A levels. They’re only 5/6 months away and she doesn’t need such massive upheaval while at a very important academic time.

Reevaluate after A levels - I don’t think it’s reasonable to keep her big room when she’s rarely there.

I don’t think you need to keep paying her phone bill, as she’s living rent-free everywhere and has a part-time job.

I would suggest you lay off asking for chores as she’s never there, and also reduce asking to see her which will seem needy. She’ll just see both as nagging, making going to your house an unpleasant obligation.

Begging for lifts when she’s so rude and uncaring is annoying, but if she stops seeing you as a reliable free taxi it increases the chance she could put herself in a dangerous situation (eg, walking home at night).

Also be aware that any obligations or changes she will likely spin to her boyfriend, dad and everybody else that she is a victim. “My mum’s threatening to kick me out” etc.

Even though she’s behaving horribly, you need to give her security to know that she will always be welcome at your home and be able to talk to you. Then she’ll see it as home and want to come back at some point.

Good luck and I hope things improve.