To stipulate minimum number of nights at home for DD?

I've just had a quick read of your responses and im sorry you are getting negative replies.

As i say im on a similar situation, but me its its DS18. Jan this year we converted a downstairs room into a bedroom for him, within 2days of completion his GF17 moved in "by stealth" as i put it at the time! Stayed a few nights, then more etc until they were both here fulltime. Its became alot and i'll be honest i didnt handle it well, petty fights were had and then a few months ago he started staying at hers virtually ever night.

I miss him so much and it really hurts that he has chosen to live with another "mother" and i know people will judge me that, but its true!

My DH wants him to move in GF fulltime so he can have his room for an office, but ive said no, he's too young, this is home. He doesnt pay rent either here or there, but pays alot of travel to get to work (apprentice) buys takeaways, pay for his own toiletries etc. My DS17 is at college and works part-time, but i dont expect rent while they are in education.

I do sometimes do his washing and cook, but only because im doing it for others in the house. And i'll be honest, cooking is my "love language"

I dont expect him to housework, but i do expect the room to be kept clean and tidy (it was a pigsty when they were here fulltime).

They stay maybe 1-2 nights a week. Is the boyfriend allowed/feels welcome to stay? It took me a long while to get comfy with her being here, but once i got to know her, she's very sweet (if very lazy and doesnt come from a great family) We even brought her on holiday with us in Oct. If you arent already, make an effort to get him to stay, get to know him, invite them both for dinner if you havent already.

Sorry im rambling, my point is your DD is only young and very much in love and this is new and exciting and she's probably loving the Independence, i know my DS is and as he thinks he's grown up and tells me not to baby him, but he still messages me at 6am when his train is delayed and what he should do!!

Talk to her, calmly, tell her you miss her, her family misses her. You dont want all her time, just a little more than at the moment.

There is absolutely nothing wrong in how you feel, its just frowned upon on here to want to still be involved in your kids lives at 18. Hope that helps x

Something has gone a bit wrong in the dynamic between you if when you tell her she needs to be home on weeknights, she thinks she can just ignore that.
At 18 no way would i have completely disobeyed my parents in that way, not while i was dependent on them.
I notice OP tho that you talk about missing time spent with your daughter and i wonder whether you've wanted to be her 'friend' too much over the years rather than her parent and so now she doesn't have the respect for you that she ought to have. Discovering some independence as a teen is one thing but she's still in fulltime education and still a dependent on you so you need to assert yourself a bit, have a conversation and give her a stern talking to about the expectation shes home monday - thursday evenings. And then the first monday she doesn't show, drive to the boyfriends and explain to his parents you are taking your daughter home!!

I am finding some of your posts very frustrating OP.

There is lots of praise for posters who are saying exactly the same things as others but they are wrapping it up in a way that makes it look like they are "on your side" but you are quite dismissive of anyone you perceived to challenge you. For that reason I feel that I'm having to be very very careful of what I say here as I don't want to make your mental health worse.
Is it possible that your DD feels the same and is walking on eggshells around you?

If I were you, I'd ask the GP for talking therapies, I don't think that there's a quick fix medication for this and sleeping meds are really not advisable anymore.

I know it hurts when they move away (and sixth form is young) however I'd give her the space she's asking for.
Put your own focus on building some real life support networks for yourself and spending quality time with your own DP and 3 year old. Let the heat and angst go out of your relationship before trying to enforce rules.

I really hope things work out.

It sounds very fraught which can lead to irrational or knee jerk reactions.

I think you need to try and talk it out over a relaxed lunch somewhere. She will hopefully put her defences down a bit and be more amenable to compromise.

It's very normal to be completely consumed by a first true love.

You are picking and choosing what suits your narrative and ignoring the rest.

No, don’t do her laundry. Just leave it in her room. No drama, not your concern. It doesn’t sound like she’s at home too much to make a mess, so maybe drop that grievance for now.

To me, it sounds like you are playing tit for tat. Cut her some slack, she’s studying for her A levels, she’s in her own world, let her on with it for now. Cut the crap about her moving bedrooms until after her A levels, stop mentioning charging for board and having to do chores, given that she’s so seldom in your house.

For now, message her once a week, asking how she is, how’s studying, has she any news, etc, that you’re looking forward to seeing her at some point, mention what you’re doing, you know you’re always welcome here and leave it at that for now. Keep it light-hearted,

YABU for needing ‘support’ and crying your eyes out because your teenage daughter has been hanging out with her new boyfriend instead of you for eight weeks.

Also, you are an adult. If you are wholly incapable of dealing with people telling you you’re wrong, you can leave or hide the thread. There is absolutely nothing forcing you to continue reading and engaging.

However, I suspect you will keep reading, commenting and lamenting about how horribly commenters are treating you.

Who the hell typed this???? This is as emotionally manipulative as it gets!!

Yes.

You do sound unreasonable tbh. Why would you be expecting an 18-year-old in full time education to be paying you board? Also, most teenagers probably wouldn't want to be in a house with a toddler (I actually think having a baby when you have kids doing GCSEs/A-levels is selfish tbh) and if she's not at home, why should she be doing chores? From what you've said, it seems like you have unrealistic expectations and want her to be at home helping you with housework and her little sister, and also giving you money, and unsurprisingly she's not up for that. Be careful you don't push her away completely.

She does not want to be here longer than 5 mins so how I can create any sort of relationship or nice environment? 🤷‍♀️ I'm at a loss.

You’re not creating a relationship from scratch though, the relationship you have with her is changing as she grows, develops new relationships and interests. At the moment she’s “in love” and you’re not part of that relationship.

At this stage your relationship with her is much less about actually spending time together and more about bonds over space and time (the essence of attachment). She needs to know you’re there, that you cherish her, that you are consistent, that you have her back, that you’re a safe place for her - being the “wallpaper” or foundation she explores the world from and returns to.

It’s hard when you want coffee dates and conversations - that will come back again in time.

If she's doing A levels her uni applications are due and her exams are what 5 months away?

I'd sit her down and simply say that you're worried about her. New relationships often have a honeymoon phase but you are concerned she may look back and wish she'd spent a bit more time on the books. I'd also tell her that you miss her, and her little sister does and doesn't know why her adored older sister has no time for her anymore.

As for the bedroom - to be honest, I'd suck it up for now. You don't want to be the excuse if she gets crap grades "Mum threw me out / moved me to a box room with no desk". If the situation is as is by June, I'd reorganise then.

Often posters will take suggestions on board and be willing to self reflect, you are not doing that. You are very combative and I can understand why your daughter would be struggling.

I was in charge of my own washing from the age of 12 and the chores in the house I was responsible for, I did all the way through my teenage years.

If you’ve always done this stuff for her - it’s hardly surprising that she’s not doing it now, particularly as she’s not home much.

She is an adult, so no, I don't think you can tell her when she can/can't go out or stay at her boyfriend's. I also think if she's barely at home she shouldn't need to do housework beyond picking up after herself, really.

She obviously shouldn't be telling you to fuck off and the lifts thing is annoying, but I think you're being a bit unrealistic expecting to keep an adult in the house against her will and she sounds like a normal 18-year-old to me.

OP, please listen to people who are telling you it is normal, that this stage is completely normal. I can totally understand why it's upsetting and why you miss her but this level of anguish over your daughter being less present at home in the last 2 months is totally out of proportion.

Was it just you and her for a long time by any chance?

No not a coincidence- but she’s “in love” so nothing you say can change that. You are coming across really angry and defensive despite multiple posters telling you this is typical of DC at her age. She absolutely WILL be picking up on your negativity which will mean she doesn’t want to spend time with you.

If you don't have time to do it I would put it in a black sack neatly in her room yes

I know it's hard, but try and keep your emotions out of it. If she feels smothered, she will pull back more. If she wants to be treated like an adult, with the freedoms that this brings, she should pay for her own phone and do her own washing and she can't expect you to drive her everywhere, particularly with no notice. Try and be practical, rather than emotional.

Doesn't matter where she lives. She's a legal adult.

My 18 year old cleans their mess in the bathroom, why wouldnt they? They don't get to just leave shit for the rest of the legal adults living in the house.