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AIBU?

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Original poster

To stipulate minimum number of nights at home for DD?

756 replies

teenmumstress24 · 09/12/2024 08:48

DD turned 18 a few months ago. Her 18th birthday coincided with her meeting a new boyfriend who she is inseparable from. She spends around 1-3 nights per fortnight at home, and that's only to sleep / occasionally grab food or a shower. She doesn't converse with anyone (unless to ask for lifts or to borrow cash), and she certainly doesn't do any housework. Since this time there have been numerous issues and arguments; mostly around the following themes:

  • constant requests for lifts from me or partner (although this has declined since her boyfriend passed his driving test a few weeks ago as he's seemingly the taxi now)
  • never doing any housework
  • never being at home long enough to converse with anyone and all her interactions being requests for something
  • letting me and her little sister down after agreeing to do something with us and then dropping us in favour of the boyfriend (little sister is only 3 so doesn't understand and gets very upset about her big sister not being there)
  • more recently me and my partner (her step dad) we're both told to "fuck off" when we were unable to facilitate a lift whilst juggling bedtime and household tasks between us after work one evening (she later apologised for this; but it's left a very sour taste)
  • boyfriend got involved in disagreement following the above incident, and whilst I was the on the phone to her during a heated discussion about that, I was apparently on loudspeaker as I could hear the boyfriend chirping up "just hang up on her" (to my daughter about me)

I'm at my wits end and I can't take anymore. I've contact the GP for some medication to take the edge off because I feel so low and as though I've basically lost my daughter. I've tried telling her miss her, I'm sad about it all, I want her to spend more time at home, etc. She still doesn't. All I get from her is, "it's normal for me to want to be at his house more often he's a new boyfriend". However, she makes time for her dad, her dad's side of the family, my sister (her aunt who's she close to), her friends, and her boyfriend. The only person she lets down and seems to not want to be around is me.

She pays no board (she's at college and works part time earning only about £70-100 a week so I've never taken any money off her). I pay for her phone contract. She doesn't contribute to the food shop here but does buy her own takeaways etc . Her only regular bill is a gym membership.

I've suggested to her since she appears to not live here anymore that she moves out and pays her boyfriends mum board? The response was "I don't want to move out". But 1-3 nights here a fortnight on average would suggest she pretty much has moved out. She has the largest room in the house and it's just wasted space, it's never occupied.

My AIBU is, would I be unreasonable to stipulate that if she wants to continue to live here that I put in place the following rules:

1- she actually occupies her room more regularly than 1-3 times a fortnight? So set a minimum number.
2- she pulls her weight with household tasks and until I see her doing so on a regular basis without any prompting or nagging, I will charge her board. I will stop charging board once she pulls her weight regularly.

Does this sound reasonable? My head is a total mess with it all, I'm struggling to disentangle the emotion from the practical side, so it may come across as garbled. I'm not a good place with it all tbh as I feel so lost and as though she just dislikes me for some reason 😔

Any help appreciated.

OP posts:
Babyboomtastic · 09/12/2024 12:45

Do you think she'd agree to a set evening for the two of you each week? Go out and get food, watch a movie, play a board game, go to the cinema. Basically, spend time together in rich chores or anything 'negative' isn't mentioned, but that is quality time together.

Original poster
teenmumstress24 · 09/12/2024 12:44

And it was always, "mum can so and so come over as she's fallen out with her mum / her boyfriend / wants some tea" whatever. And she knew it was an open invitation for them all. But now suddenly just, never here? And I'm the exact same person I was in September and all those years before.... very odd indeed.

OP posts:
JHound · 09/12/2024 12:44

This is a difficult one to navigate. Your daughter is being really disrespectful and that is exacerbated by the fact her boyfriend is trash (sorry but him advising your daughter to “just hang up on you” is clear evidence of that.

I don’t know the best way to navigate this but I wish you all the luck in the world.

Goldenbear · 09/12/2024 12:44

teenmumstress24 · 09/12/2024 12:25

@Goldenbear thank you for understanding my view point, you seem to really get it.

Personally, I think you have very natural concerns and feelings about a situation, I wouldn't necessarily think there's something wrong with your mental health but obviously that's private to you but feeling sad about a change is not poor mental health IMO.

It is a minefield though and as Mums you're absolutely never allowed to reveal any emotion, any weakness, at all times you should be there for everyone in the family and be happy to be the emotional punch bag and anchor for everyone else, the housemaid, the person who had nonfree time, in fact you should be perfect - didn't you get the memo when you gave birth🙄! I mean personally, I feel this is such poor signalling to my youngest who is a DD and who may be a Mother one day!

5128gap · 09/12/2024 12:44

No, I think you're coming at it from the wrong angle. Trying to force her to be around won't work. You need to address the things that you can control. Refuse lifts you don't want to give. Insist that you are spoken to respectfully or walk away. Don't lend money you don't wish to. You have the right to reallocate rooms if you choose. (Although I'd give it 6 months to see if the relationship was still going before I'd do that personally). I don't think its fair she should pay board when she's not there, although perhaps a small contribution when she is if you need it. I also don't think she should do housework to clean up mess she wasn't there to create, although cleaning up after herself should be a given. In short, I think you need to accept her right to be elsewhere if she chooses and focus on setting boundaries about behaviour when she is at home.

YankeeDad · 09/12/2024 12:43

PuppiesProzacProsecco · 09/12/2024 09:30

Your DD is being transactional/rude/less present with you because you're her safe space OP. It's the teenage equivalent of toddlers behaving perfectly for someone else but melting down once they're with mum.

You're clearly very distressed by what's going on and whilst you don't mean to make the situation worse, you are doing so by pressuring her to be at home/follow your rules/spend time together. You may think she doesn't know how upset you are or of your MH struggles but I guarantee she's picking up on it (at the very least on a subconscious level).

It's ok to have boundaries around cash, lifts, being polite etc. But be her safe space OP. She'll always come back to you if you are.

This is very well put. Deserves a second read, OP. I hope it is helpful!

Original poster
teenmumstress24 · 09/12/2024 12:43

It’s normal when there’s a needy overemotional mother, a toddler and a step parent. It’s annoying having a toddler around

Right, and so I've become "needy and emotional" and her little sister has become "annoying" coincidentally just at the precise moment a new boy is on the scene...? Interesting timing. Pre September ish, DD was a very involved and happy member of the family who spent time here willingly. She brought her mates here, pretty much an open house to them, lovely group of girls, it was just lovely. We all rubbed along just fine. All of them interacting and playing with her little sister, offering to take her out / chatting to me about the latest gossip in their friendship groups, etc etc.

What's changed is the one thing I come back to over and over - the boyfriend.

OP posts:
toucheee · 09/12/2024 12:39

I wouldn't tell her to move out, that could cause an irreparable breakdown.

However, it's perfectly reasonable to

  • move her to the smaller bedroom
  • stop paying her phone contract
  • stop doing any laundry or cooking for her
  • stop buying her expensive presents

Re-assess this when she has finished education and has a full time job, at that point she should pay rent (minimum £250pm).

Mirabai · 09/12/2024 12:39

Fluffyiguana · 09/12/2024 12:33

I'm shocked at all the posters on here who are telling you this is normal.

It's not normal for anyone to spend this much time with a BF they've only just got together with. It wouldn't be normal if she was 28 and it's not normal at 18.

This age range is the most common age group to be in an abusive / unhealthy relationship.

You said somewhere that it seemed like a complete personality change after the boyfriend came in, that was one of the things that made me worry.

But if she's still spending as much time with her dad, friends, schoolwork, hobbies etc. as she used to then that would be a positive thing.

Show quote history

It’s normal when there’s a needy overemotional mother, a toddler and a step parent. It’s annoying having a toddler around, maybe she doesn’t like her stepdad that much.

I spent most of my time when I was 18 at other people’s houses. My parents were fine but I was 18 so they annoyed me. Other people’s parents annoyed me less. You hang out in houses a teen where the parents give you the least hassle.

It may just be quieter, calmer at bf’s house.

Mirabai · 09/12/2024 12:34

@CentrifugalBumblePuppy

Going to the GP to get further treatment for your anxiety, panic attacks etc., is a very good first step. Hyper fixation on pinning every issue on either the boyfriend or older DD is neither helpful or healthy. As I said at the beginning, your children are not responsible for your mental health. You cannot demand they do X, Y or Z because you’d find it easier to cope with (and what DD is doing is pretty normal for a teenager if I’m honest). What you need to be doing is finding better strategies for dealing with your own mental health, because that will be having a detrimental affect on not only the 18 year old (could it be of Mum’s always on her back or being blamed for everything she doesn’t feel welcome at home?) but on your 3 year old as well.

Really good advice.

Fluffyiguana · 09/12/2024 12:33

teenmumstress24 · 09/12/2024 12:25

@Fluffyiguana that's a worry, I do hope that's not what's happening 😔

I'm shocked at all the posters on here who are telling you this is normal.

It's not normal for anyone to spend this much time with a BF they've only just got together with. It wouldn't be normal if she was 28 and it's not normal at 18.

This age range is the most common age group to be in an abusive / unhealthy relationship.

You said somewhere that it seemed like a complete personality change after the boyfriend came in, that was one of the things that made me worry.

But if she's still spending as much time with her dad, friends, schoolwork, hobbies etc. as she used to then that would be a positive thing.

DailyDoily · 09/12/2024 12:30

Just seeing a few comments about teens being happier ‘at their dads’. I’m assuming that’s referring to separate parents living apart. I’ve had conversations with my two teens about pretty much exactly this and how when they’re with their dad they go out and do things / theatre / galleries etc, but when I suggest it they aren’t keen. They’re reply to me was that they don’t really have a choice when they’re with him (they live with me and see him every other weekend, either staying at his, or he visits them here and they stay at home). They explained really well that they like downtime and don’t always want to go out - and they can see that time falls with me but they really appreciate / need that downtime.

its taken me a while to come to terms with it - and now I can see that I’m not second best, I’m actually their first choice to behave exactly as they want to and not have to meet expectations, and that makes me really happy. I try to make little memories around domestic stuff (kitchen discos while washing up, cooking together etc) instead.

I do still book nice ‘bigger’ things to do with them - but in advance and with their involvement.

As weird as it sounds - sometimes being the one they feel comfortable ignoring is actually the best privilege and shows the strongest relationship. (And I go and do lovely things with friends if I’m feeling my life is too ‘domestic’)

Karmacode · 09/12/2024 12:30

teenmumstress24 · 09/12/2024 11:57

@sandyhappypeople
Your first sentence sums up my feelings. It may sound "melodramatic" to people who haven't been there and aren't capable of empathy, but ultimately you've hit the nail on the head there. We were so close for so long, and now I just feel bereft without that relationship. It's only because I love and care about so much that I feel it so intensely. And the feeling that I've done something wrong as a mum to have suddenly lost her like this, that guilt, is what's eating me up 😔

I can understand the grief you feel but your daughters behaviour is completely normal for an 18 year old (swearing at family aside).

She's your daughter not your best friend and I don't think it'd be healthy for an 18 year old to want such an intense and suffocating relationship with her mum as what it seems you're wanting to impose on her. She's learning to be an adult and to do this she needs space to learn to navigate relationships outside of the family. It's completely normal for her to want to prioritise friends and boyfriends at this age, in order for her to be a successful adult she needs to be given the space outside of the mother and daughter relationship.

Loving and caring for your daughter should mean allowing her to develop into an adult and giving her the freedom to do so without the guilt tripped alongside with it. Yes it might have been the two of you for ages, but it isn't healthy to have expected this relationship to always be this intense. Relationships grow and change including parent and child. Forcing her to be at home because of the relationship you want to have with her is only going to cause her to resent snd grow apart from you. Telling her you miss her is guilt tripping. Crying and sobbing your eyes out all day is not a normal reaction to a teenager development.

Your daughter will become close to you again but the relationship is not going to be what is is because as your daughter grows she will have others who also take priority in her life, boyfriend, friends in laws etc. If you give her rhe space and freedom to become an independent adult, she'll be grateful for this as she gets older and it'll be reflected in your relationship. If you try and stunt her growth by ensuring she stays at home to be your best friend, it'll only end in misery for both of you.

HowNowBrownCow2 · 09/12/2024 12:30

18 is such a selfish age. They don't care about anyone but themselves at that age and can get so wrapped up in boyfriends/girlfriends that no-one else matters. But it doesn't stay that way, OP. Let her breath and have a relationship with this new BF and just try to stay welcoming when she's home, she'll come back soon enough.

I would tell her though, in a completely civil way that while she's still using the home for showers etc that her washing needs by her and shower cleaned etc otherwise you won't be paying for her phonebill. If she doesn't do it then cut the payment for the phone and simply DO NOT do her washing for her. She'll soon realise how spoiled she is,

BridgetsBigPants · 09/12/2024 12:28

Hey @teenmumstress24, I have not read the whole thread but I have read all of your responses and I am feeling for you. I have a 17 year old son and it is bloody hard some days. It sounds like you are getting a rough time from some of the other posters at the moment.

As for your daughter, try not to sweat the small stuff. Teenage years are challenging for both the teen and the parents. They are learning to assert their independence and we are learning to accept it. It sucks some days. I don't think you are unreasonable in wanting your daughter home more. My son is about to go into his last year of high school. I don't yet allow him to stay at his long term girlfriends because it is a slippery slope and I think they both need to focus on school before things go that far.

However his girlfriend is here a lot and when she isn't here they are at her house. Have you spoken to your daughter about getting to know her boyfriend? He sounds like a twat but for your daughters sake I would feign an interest. Say that you know he is a big part of her life now and you would like to get to know him. Have him over for dinner, ask them to hang out at your house some of the time etc

I would also speak to her about making more effort with her schooling. Was she at the parent teacher meeting? Reiterate what you were told there. I'm not from the UK but I assume A levels is like her final year of schooling before uni? Try to come at things with empathy, even when you aren't feeling it.

rainbowstardrops · 09/12/2024 12:28

She's behaving like a bit of a dick but she's 18 and 18 year olds often act like a dick!
I know the boyfriend cancelled the meet up but I think maybe you should try to welcome him to yours more (even if that doesn't really appeal to you!) and maybe that will strengthen the relationship?

Goldenbear · 09/12/2024 12:27

Goldenbear · 09/12/2024 12:26

At the end of the day if she wants to university and getting good A level results will definitely be compromised if spending 8 weeks at your boyfriend's house in the upper sixth! They are so young for such intensity. I would be worried if my DS moved in with his girlfriend now and luckily for me, DS's girlfriend's Mum would be equally worried. That worry would be greater if he was on an apprenticeship scheme as he has completely different educational objectives and will not understand or care the impact of playing married couples is going to have at that age on her future.

Show quote history

Sorry, for awful grammar.

Goldenbear · 09/12/2024 12:26

BackForABit · 09/12/2024 12:16

I'm not sure sobbing since 6am or being put on medication (which sound like tranquilisers) is a normal reaction to parenting an 18 year old spending most of their time at their new boyfriend's for 8 weeks, swearing once and not wanting to spend time with their infant sibling?

I think many posters are genuinely not trying to be facetious or dismissive when they say they think OP needs to seek more mental health support.

Show quote history

At the end of the day if she wants to university and getting good A level results will definitely be compromised if spending 8 weeks at your boyfriend's house in the upper sixth! They are so young for such intensity. I would be worried if my DS moved in with his girlfriend now and luckily for me, DS's girlfriend's Mum would be equally worried. That worry would be greater if he was on an apprenticeship scheme as he has completely different educational objectives and will not understand or care the impact of playing married couples is going to have at that age on her future.

Original poster
teenmumstress24 · 09/12/2024 12:26

Tink63 · 09/12/2024 12:13

I have been in this situation with my DD (now 25). I promise you it will pass.

In our case, DD then 16, was basically being controlled and coerced into spending time with said boyfriend and his family. This took the form of threats and threatened suicide. We suspected at the time but she denied it. My greatest fear was that she would fall pregnant and end up with the PoS.

She was also entitled and selfish. I even spend ages decorating her room because she was round his house all the time. I was very stupid.

She finally ended the relationship when she went to Uni in another town and the scales fell from her eyes. She later reported him to the police.

I remember the frustration and upset, but I would strongly advise you not to react or give ultimatums. Perhaps they are both just fucking entitled and selfish.
But anyway, keep inviting DD and bf round for meals or to join you in stuff as a family. It won’t be forever. Bite your tongue and keep her onside.

Also incredibly worrying to read this.

OP posts:
Original poster
teenmumstress24 · 09/12/2024 12:25

@Fluffyiguana that's a worry, I do hope that's not what's happening 😔

OP posts:
TriangleLight · 09/12/2024 12:25

This is extrapolating madly!

Original poster
teenmumstress24 · 09/12/2024 12:25

@Goldenbear thank you for understanding my view point, you seem to really get it.

OP posts:
Fluffyiguana · 09/12/2024 12:24

I don't want to give you something more to worry about when you have so much on your plate already, but reading this reminded me so much of when I was in an abusive and controlling relationship as a teenager.

I did want to spend all my time with him, but it was also demanded by him that I do so. Because of the stress I was under due to the intensity of the relationship and the 'punishments' I would receive if I was unavailable I remember getting into similar arguments with my parents where if I couldn't do what the BF wanted (i.e. get a lift to him) I would explode, swear at them etc. because I would just be so frantic and desperate.

And him telling her to hang up on you is absolutely the sort of thing that would happen.

There's red flags all over this.

Goldenbear · 09/12/2024 12:19

Apolloneuro · 09/12/2024 12:11

Of course it normal, but words like ‘bereft’’ and ‘intensely’ and needing medication are a pretty extreme response, don’t you think? It’s not a criticism of the OP, by the way. I feel sorry for her as she’s obviously really upset.

Show quote history

I don't know, I think quite a few parents use the word, 'bereft' to describe that change in the dynamics of the relationship when they move onto serious adult relationships or go to uni or just move out. Surely, it depends entirely on your relationship with your children, if you're close or not, how many children you have, if you're I are friendly with each other rather than a formal relationship etc...

Rachie1973 · 09/12/2024 12:19

teenmumstress24 · 09/12/2024 09:03

@Sushu thanks that's very helpful to a mum at her wits end seeking medication from the Gp. Glad you popped along.

Honestly if you need medicating for this I’d assume you have more MH issues than you’re telling us about.

Shes at college, full time education. You can claim child benefit for her.

Shes never there…… sounds fairly normal.

Shes rude….. well yeah. Some teens are, doesn’t mean you have to accept it. I wouldn’t be told to Fuck off.

She’s lazy….. again. Fairly normal, not something you have to tolerate though.

Honestly I think you’ve built this up into something much bigger than it needs to be.