To stipulate minimum number of nights at home for DD?

But, what if your 18 yo DS simply refused to come home and insisted on staying at his girlfriend’s house ??

It’s all well and good saying, no way would I let my 18 yo sleep elsewhere during the week etc, etc - until you are in that situation. The OP can’t drag her home, the girl’s Dad is ok with his DD staying at her boyfriend’s house.

None of us might like the set-up but ultimately, it is what it is and nothing can force the girl back home. It doesn’t sound like she’s financially dependant on the OP, other than the OP paying for her phone, she has her part-time job and her Dad who lives elsewhere.

Trying to control the situation by insisting the girl stays in the OP’s house half the week and has to hand up board and to do chores and suggesting she move to a smaller bed-room close to her A Levels isn’t going to do anything to improve the situation. It will only have the opposite effect.

His mum could feel a bit overwhelmed too and not know what to do about it, op. I daresay she doesn't want to rock the boat.

You really must calm down and look after yourself, getting worked up is doing your health no good at all.

I had a slightly older boyfriend when I was 17, he was 19 on a gap year and I was studying for my A levels, in all honesty after about 2 months, I hated the intensity of it, he wanted to see me all of the time and I just wanted to have fun with my friends, I felt like I was missing out and stuck in something that I was just not emotionally ready for, I therefore think it is fine for a parent to show concern. My Mum is lovely but was newly divorced from my Dad and she was wrapped up in that and worrying about buying a new house for us. I didn't really see my Dad through the whole of sixth form but when he did meet him, he wasn't that happy about it, he said I need to focus on getting into Uni and meeting new people and live a life and in retrospect he was absolutely right!

You could be my mother, @teenmumstress24. You are totally over reacting to your daughter trying to build a life of her own and lack any awareness of why your daughter might be behaving this way.

You might think that your daughter was happy with a step dad and new sister and she’s only now out of the house and being disrespectful because of her bf but ask yourself why.
This is her first boyfriend and she’s grabbed onto him like someone jumping from a sinking ship. That sounds like someone escaping to me.

Your solutions have all involved emotional manipulation or threats to punish her.

You may think you behave with only sweetness and light and never betray your MH issues but I would bet your daughter has a very different take on things. Certainly your responses on here are not someone who is sweetness and light, but quite self pitying.

She should not be telling you to FO and she should be cleaning the shower but to demand she does chores in a house she is not in much or you’ll take her room/move her out is blackmail.

You are suffocating her under the guise of love and missing her. She is 18. She should be out and exploring the world, not sitting at home with you and a 3 year old.

You seem not to be able to regulate your emotions in a reasonable way even on here and are phenomenally self victimising. None of that is to do with your daughter.

Unless you get a handle on yourself you will lose this daughter and make the teenage years of your 3 year old hellish.

Take her washing out of the pile and leave it back in her room in her laundry basket. On repeat. No need to have a discussion with her about laundry at all.

I’m wondering how the row happened about the lift - was it Hi Mum, I need/want a lift. Oh sorry darling, I can’t now with such short notice. Maybe you could get an Uber/a bus. But great to hear from you, how are how, all well? Why aren’t you collecting me/not fair, etc. Listen darling, not going to argue with you, have to put DD to bed now, see you soon. Bye.

Or was it, Hi Mum, I need/want a lift. Why would I give you a lift, I’m putting your sister to bed. You’re asking for a lift but never do anything for me, we never see you. But Mum…. No, you listen to me, you never help around the house, we never see you, you have left the bathroom a mess, we only hear from you when you want something. Oh just fuck off will you.

Your DD is 18, she has a boyfriend, she has a Dad who lives in another house, she has friends - of course she’s going to be edging away from you somewhat. No doubt it’s more comfortable staying with her boyfriend than the two of them staying over with you, given her boyfriend just lives with his Mum.

It’s hard letting go of our adult teens, no doubt about it but trying to keep a grip on them by nagging and being controlling is the wrong way to go about it. Fondly look back on the days when it was open house with your DD’s friends and realise that it was for a time and it’s now the next stage. Your DD is 18, an adult.

Look at the positives - she has a part-time job, working towards her A Levels, has a good relationship with her Dad and your sister and a boyfriend. Work on your own relationship with her - stop telling her that her sister misses her or that she has to pay for her board/clean/give up her room, etc the minute you see her. Suggest she invited her boyfriend home for dinner one evening, ask if she’d like to do something Christmassy with her sister and give her a few date options. (Don’t tell your youngest DD about it in advance, in case it doesn’t happen). Build up your relationship again at the next stage - suggest a coffee or lunch just the two of you.

Ps I meant 'prying', not praying.

Your house so your rules. Decide what you want and tell her. If you want her to move rooms then she should. But trouble is you don't want her to move out entirely but this is the risk you have to take if you want things to change. Otherwise things will go on as they are.

My dad did this to me when I was always with my boyfriend. All it did was push me away, he gave me so much grief about everything and anything whenever I was at home that I ended up avoiding home unless I really needed something.

She's 18 not 13, stop trying to be so controlling!

OP I think your taking her actions as personal and they are not. You haven't done anything wrong as mom, she is just growing up.

Your situation is not unique and is mirrored in almost every mothers lives at that age.

I was the same at that age, didn't want to be at home because its boring - spent years there and if its just boyfriend and his mom, they probably get time to feel 'alone'.

Your reading so so deeply into her actions, its only been 8 weeks and your telling her to move out! Just calm down, rationalise this and make your peace.

Your just going to push her away.

The problem here then is that she is welcome in his family home, but he isn't welcome in yours. This is why she wants to be there more than home.

Thanks so much for this post. I was starting to doubt myself. 18 year olds who are still doing A levels living as if they’re married and off doing what they want. I’m sorry but in my mind it is totally disrespectful and whilst they’re still in full time education it’s not ok to come and go as they wish and treat the house like a hotel. No way would I be having my 18 year old staying out most nights and neither would I be very happy that they had a boyfriends mum facilitating this. It’s madness

OP,
If she just leaves her clothes in the pile, and isn't home, just stop doing her washing

I don't think you're unreasonable at all. My son's 18 and doing A levels and no way would I let him sleep elsewhere during the week. He does ask for lifts all the time though. If he's rude to me I would not put up with it, there needs to be a limit. I don't ask him to do housework or pay board (he has a PT job) though he can do his washing and cook some things himself.
Everyone's different though. Some families are ok with teenagers going feral but it would stress me out. It is very hard to parent someone who is technically an adult but who still needs lifts, meals and money.
Is she staying with BF because you don't let him stay over in her room, but his mum lets them? Could you let him stay at yours, to keep her at home? I don't think I would, but it might be an option for you.

Op, does boyfriend live with his parents or does he have his own place, is he also a student? I have read all your posts so if I have missed those details, I apologise. I was thinking that if he lives with mum snd dad, they will surely get fed up with his girlfriend staying over so often and will also be concerned about his studies.

As she is still in education and dependent on you, she really should be at home more during term time. I don't know what you can do about it, frankly. She doesn't listen to you at the moment.

I wondered if she feels she is rather superfluous to the family now, since you have a little one. Does she get on with your partner?

Sorry if I appear to be praying but these could be contributing factors.

Going to the doctor for tranquilisers seems a bit OTT, frankly. They are not good for your health anyway and the problem still exists.

Teenagers are often difficult, you are not alone in experiencing that but it doesn't last forever. Boyfriend doesn't sound very good if he was telling her to hang up on you. What a cheek, you're her mum! However shrieking at her does no good at all.

Tell her she is responsible for her own laundry and must clean the bath and toilet after use, then try to ignore (not easy but possible). I hope it sorts itself out.

You want her to spend time at home with you, just for the sake of being at home, but she's only been with her boyfriend 8 weeks and she's smitten for the first time. Why aren't you inviting him over with her?

By the way my 10 and 12 year old do their own washing for the most part.
We remind them it needs putting on at the weekend (any really disgusting clothes midweek e.g. fallen in the mud, you've been sick, we do them!), hang up most of it (or persuade Dad to do it - I don't!), put it away before bed/before getting TV time.
So for an 18 year old this is a bare minimum.

What about this girl's A levels and future prospects, having an intense married life with a boyfriend at this age in sixth form college is completely ridiculous! A complete hands off approach won't receive any thanks in ten years time and she blames her Mum for not going to uni! There's plenty of time to play married couples when you are in your twenties, teen relationships should be frivolous and fun and not involve your new pseudo teen husband, instructing you to put your phone down on your Mum. My DS is the same age he wouldn't dream of getting involved with any arguments between his girlfriend and her Mum as he's not an obnoxious, disrespectful young man!

Have you read This Be the Verse by Phillip Larkin OP- you can't win!

OP her boyfriend is different to her mates because he is probably the love of her life at the moment. She doesn't want him hanging around with you and little sister because she wants to spend her time with him all loved up, with out any interruptions from little sisters etc. Yes there is the possibility of a controlling relationship but far more likely is they are at the place where it is easiest to facilitate their physical relationship