To stipulate minimum number of nights at home for DD?

OP, I know you’ve stepped away from this thread but I just wanted to flag that the boyfriend’s behaviour sounds very concerning. He could be seeking to isolate your DD - her behaviour changes and him telling her to hang up on you are red flags. It sounds incredibly tough but for that reason alone, I’d try to keep the door open as much as possible.

Honestly, if this is how you interact when people don't agree with you or your perspective, this is probably putting a lot of pressure on your daughter. Most of the posters (not all but most) who are not agreeing with you are doing so in a polite, considerate manner.

TBF when I joined MN about 18 years ago I used to feel mortified if someone even vaguely criticised anything I posted but now I've realised (particularly on AIBU) that you have to give as good as you get because a significant minority of posters here don't give a shit how their post makes anyone feel. It's made me a harder person in real life as well for better or worse.

This thread is absolute batshit. How can a seemingly normal problem, that so many people have and will go through, turn in to such a horrendous bun fight!

OP, your daughter is pushing you away because she is 18 and is trying to assert her independence. You are getting the brunt of it because you’ve probably got the most secure relationship with her out of everyone (counter intuitively) it’s the same as when a toddler pushes away mom in favour of dad. She is pushing you away in favour of independence and she knows she can do it because you will always be there. Teenagers are tricky creatures and this is totally normal and will pass.

Having said that, you do not need to put up with the disrespectful ness, nor can you be too controlling about the situation. I’d move her in to a smaller room, tell her she has to start contributing proportionally to the house work etc but do not dictate how much time she has to spend at home. Let her start standing on her own two feet as much as practical and as much as you are comfortable with but do not dictate to her how she should spend her free time. Let her see her boyfriend as much as she likes, she is an adult after all, take a step back and it’ll fizzle out soon enough. It’s probably her first love and is very intense because of it.

Also, kindly, you are over reacting with how much this is affecting you. I do not believe that’s usual nor normal. Please, for your own sake, try to reframe this and not see it as being the end of your relationship with your daughter. It’s not the end, it’s just changing that’s all. This situation has not been going on for very long, it will get better

I would have laughed in my mum's face if she told me I had to be at home at 18. You can't ground an adult.

That said, I did have my own car. I probably wouldn't give her any more lifts, but maybe try being friendly when she is at home, rather than nagging her to do housework (especially as she's barely there to have made mess?). Leave her be, she'll be back.

I hear your pain, OP, but you can't force DD to do anything really, only set your own boundaries.
You can refuse to give her lifts unless she asks politely. Quite reasonable.
You can refuse to give her money.
You can say 'Please don't talk to me like that' or 'Why are you so angry? Tell me what's going on, I'm worried!' when she swears at you, or shouts.
You can't force her to spend a certain number of nights a week at home. She's 18 and officially an adult. You can move her stuff into a smaller bedroom while she's out of the house if you want to, and set up the room for something else. But is that a good idea? Her relationship is very new and she may be back home tomorrow in floods of tears because he's dumped her. In which case it would be good for her to have a familiar bedroom to come back to.
You can't force her to do chores. You can ask her to clean up after herself when she uses the bathroom if that's the most annoying thing, but you can't make her.
You can't force her to pay anything towards her keep. You could chuck her out for not paying, but again, is that really what you want?
My gut feeling is that hanging on in there is the best option for the moment, and self-soothing as much as possible. Your very strong response to her behaviour does sound trauma-driven, and hyper arousal is not a good place to make decisions from.

Honestly, if this is how you interact when people don't agree with you or your perspective, this is probably putting a lot of pressure on your daughter. Most of the posters (not all but most) who are not agreeing with you are doing so in a polite, considerate manner.
This I will be really damaging to your relationship with your daughter.
Please listen to the (balanced) posts offering another perspective.

I literally already feel like an awful mum, I've said I feel so guilty and responsible for her not wanting to be around me anymore and why the sudden change. I'm awake all night beating myself up about what I got so wrong, and how I've lost her.
And I've got people saying stuff like that to me. Like seriously, how can anyone be that unpleasant.

Oh OP, I know it's hard but ignore the twats on here, your mistake was posting on AIBU, there seems to be a general attitude that people should just suck up the abuse if they post on this topic.

I don't think for one moment that your daughter doesn't want to be around you any more. You were both fine before the BF so clearly he's the her current obsession (as is common with teens). It'll fade at some point and she'll return to you but for now, let her do her own washing, tell her to clean up after herself, tell her swearing isn't going to make you keen to do favours for her and then bite your tongue. Again all things must pass, but I know it must be hell while it's happening.

I won’t be wasting my time engaging with the OP, but I am going to support those posts which cut through the enabling nonsense of this thread 🙂

I've not read the whole thread. But I wouldn't try to enforce how often she stays at home nor would I ask her to do housework if she is barely there. I wouldn't encourage her to live with her boyfriend either.

I'd aim to make home welcoming so she wants to be there. Nice meals/hanging out together etc.

I would give lifts if it suited but I wouldn't be doing it regularly. I wouldn't lend her money nor would I tolerate rudeness. Hopefully it won't last as he does not sound like a good influence

Hi again OP. Please try to filter out some of the spiteful projecting on this thread. It's the internet - who knows who is posting.

I admit I was surprised you hadn't mentioned any concern about the impact of all this on school in your early posts. But you say you have posted elsewhere about this and I know it's hard to sum up a complex situation in a few paragraphs.

Anyway, I just wanted to say, you have not 'lost' your daughter. On the contrary, she is treating you like this because she knows you are the one person in the world who will be there unconditionally. Maybe she's testing that, as teens do. But if she really genuinely thought, for one second, you would give up or throw her out, I doubt she would behave like this.

The likelihood is, this new relationship will end very soon and she'll be back home, needing your support.

Let's hope this is sooner rather than later. In the meantime, try to stay calm. Offer (repeatedly if necessary) to have the BF at your home. Don't sweat the small stuff, like washing or cleaning, for the time being. You can pick that up when she's back home again. For now, choose your battles.

It's ok to tell her you miss her. It's ok to ask her to spend time with you. I get that it's hard when you feel repeatedly rejected though. But she's not really rejecting you - she's just so caught up in this new relationship that she can't see the wood for the trees. One day she will look back on this phase and cringe.

Having said this, it is possible that she's struggling, in some way or other, with the impact of your second partner and DD. Saying that is not to blame anyone - just to acknowledge that this is never easy for a child and just because she didn't 'act out' aged 9, or 15, isn't to say she won't now, or in the future. It's definitely worth you being open to this possibility without hearing it as a personal criticism. It doesn't mean you're a bad mother or did anything wrong. It is what is but she may have some feelings / emotions that she needs to process and it really helps if your mum has the capacity to acknowledge that without becoming defensive.

Maybe offer to take her out (again) and tell her that you never want her to feel pushed out; her home is always there and ask the BF and her to spend time at your house. It may not yield results immediately, but in time she will remember that you tried.

I thought you said you were leaving? 🤔

💯

You are being completely unreasonable. You understandably have a lot of feelings of loss but you're hooking into silly little things, creating a battleground in her own home and pushing her away. Why would she want to be at yours if it's constant scolding and negativity. You're trying to guilt her into spending time with you and I'm afraid that won't work.

Wise up, she's 18. She simply doesn't want to spend time with you or her toddler sister, it's just how their brain works at that age.

You're talking about taking her room away, they've only been together 8 weeks!!

If there's a "main washing pile" of course she's going to use it? If you do your partner's washing why wouldn't you do your daughter's?
Parent and child (which she is, she hasn't even left school) relationships are not supposed to be reciprocal, she literally didn't ask to be born.

My daughter is a similar age and I would be far more concerned about keeping up with school work so she does as well as she can in her A levels than anything else you mentioned, given how much time she appears to be spending with her boyfriend. This will hopefully get less intense as she becomes naturally more busy towards her exams and it might fizzle out completely anyway.

Btw, it might just be the BF having a bit of a typical teenage attitude but I’d also be mindful of him encouraging her to hang up on you and if that’s part of a bigger picture of more concerning behaviour like alienating her from you and later on her friends and other family. Don’t get sucked in. Keep the lines of communication open.

One thing I will say though is I wouldn’t be giving anymore lifts unless it’s to college if she’s lucky. I won’t facilitate the social life of someone who tells me to fuck off.

This is so true, the young adults who are the most special, most important humans ever to exist.

I can't believe some of the posts in this thread berating OP for trying to maintain a relationship with her daughter while insisting on the even the smallest amount of respect and effort from her.

I can only imagine that some of you have parented the absolute nightmare, entitled young people I seem to be regularly presented with as examples of good candidates for graduate jobs these days.

On one hand there are people saying the daughter is, essentially, entitled to behave however the hell she likes, as an adult, and on the other she's "still a child".

I think I saw it described on here before as an example of 'Schrödinger's teenager'. 😂

As you wish

@teenmumstress24 I do, yes. Good luck to you!

Yes it's pretty evident that you don't care full stop so basically just posting to be unkind to someone you have never met- talk about 'emotional dysregulation'!

That sort of passive aggressive way of relating comes through in your OP - and will get her back up more and more. I'd suggest just insisting that she's polite and doesn't swear at you, and then just trying to back off a little and, as Sushu said, give her a break. You'll probably be less stressed, and if things go wrong for her she's more likely to come to you for help.

They spread their wings, and it's hard.