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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend can never be happy for my child

268 replies

Snowballing1 · 09/12/2024 08:11

I have a friend whose dd is in the same class as mine. This woman is very successful in her field & has always had very high expectations for her dd. From a very young age she would compare hers with mine & hers would always be superior.
However as the years went on my dd became very competent at her sport & is now competing nationally . She is also chosen for a lot of things at school & has been given recognition for her sporting achievements.
Many parents in the class have text or had a kind word to say but zero from this friend & she's been like that for a number of years.
She just cannot bring herself to say anything nice about my child.
If we meet I never mention dds achievements, I'm don't put posts on social media (but the school have posted quite a bit over the years of dd but said woman has never liked or commented)
Aibu to be a bit flummoxed?

OP posts:
taxi4ballet · 09/12/2024 09:37

I get where you are coming from, OP. No matter how tight-lipped I was (and bending over backwards to avoid saying anything about dd's progress), there were one or two parents of her classmates who were well miffed that dd was becoming fairly successful in what she did.

Krampers · 09/12/2024 09:37

I find people who go on about their children (including the OP) and try to live through them usually haven't achieved much with their own lives.

Original poster
Snowballing1 · 09/12/2024 09:36

Mindyourfunkybusiness · 09/12/2024 09:34

I have something the same with friend before kids but I'm happy for my child's achievements and honestly I don't discuss my child. She bangs on about her little genius and I nod along because there's many issues there and shes just compensating. It's like the mega wealthy dress like tramps, they don't care what others think. I'm the same with one of my child's achievements as she's really above average and is one year ahead and as in went to the class above. If you value your friendship bite your tongue, its clearly her hangup and she needs support or reassurance, if you want the compliments - you'll probably have to look elsewhere. Maybe until they're adults or something.

Yep this was what it was like when they were young. She would say her dd was on level 5 Oxford but mine was on chapter books. I used say nothing as I didn't want to appear to be boasting so it was easier not to engage.

OP posts:
Mindyourfunkybusiness · 09/12/2024 09:34

I have something the same with friend before kids but I'm happy for my child's achievements and honestly I don't discuss my child. She bangs on about her little genius and I nod along because there's many issues there and shes just compensating. It's like the mega wealthy dress like tramps, they don't care what others think. I'm the same with one of my child's achievements as she's really above average and is one year ahead and as in went to the class above. If you value your friendship bite your tongue, its clearly her hangup and she needs support or reassurance, if you want the compliments - you'll probably have to look elsewhere. Maybe until they're adults or something.

Original poster
Snowballing1 · 09/12/2024 09:33

arethereanyleftatall · 09/12/2024 09:29

My bet is on that the other woman's pov would be exactly the same as the op reversed. Anyone who genuinely didn't boast about their child wouldn't notice this.

But also, there's national competitions and national competitions. For some sports, getting to national level is a phenomenal achievement, as they are played by so many. But others which are much less widely played/only available with finances, national level of that sport may be the equivalent of town level of a popular sport.

It is a very popular Olympic sport that GB do extremely well in.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowballing1 · 09/12/2024 09:31

SharpOpalNewt · 09/12/2024 09:16

She is jealous, OP.

I was on the receiving end of this as a child from another mum at primary school. It started after I got the leading role in a school play, and her daughter started at the dance school I went to, but was obviously at a lower level as I'd already been there a few years. One time she (the mum) yelled at me in the playground when my mum wasn't there (I was about 8/9 years old) and the mum tried to get me into trouble for bullying her daughter (it was very much the other way round). She confronted my dad at the dance school and he basically told her to piss off and leave me alone- I had never heard my dad raise his voice to anyone before or since. As an adult I can see this woman was unhinged. As a kid I was just terrified of her but she and her daughter left me alone after that.

Yikes! That sounds terrifying. She isn't like this to my dd thankfully. Just doesn't have a kind word to say to her (in front of me at least!) I don't think dd has noticed anything as she has never mentioned it.

OP posts:
Ownyourchoices · 09/12/2024 09:30

arethereanyleftatall · 09/12/2024 09:29

My bet is on that the other woman's pov would be exactly the same as the op reversed. Anyone who genuinely didn't boast about their child wouldn't notice this.

But also, there's national competitions and national competitions. For some sports, getting to national level is a phenomenal achievement, as they are played by so many. But others which are much less widely played/only available with finances, national level of that sport may be the equivalent of town level of a popular sport.

Absolutely.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/12/2024 09:29

My bet is on that the other woman's pov would be exactly the same as the op reversed. Anyone who genuinely didn't boast about their child wouldn't notice this.

But also, there's national competitions and national competitions. For some sports, getting to national level is a phenomenal achievement, as they are played by so many. But others which are much less widely played/only available with finances, national level of that sport may be the equivalent of town level of a popular sport.

something2say · 09/12/2024 09:28

It is odd behaviour and obvious that she doesn't like how well your daughter is doing.

I'd say she isnt a friend. How life has gone (your daughter growing into someone who does well at her sport) has brought out a side of her that isnt nice.

I'd back off. You cant trust her. This issue has shown that.

Original poster
Snowballing1 · 09/12/2024 09:27

Anothernamechane · 09/12/2024 09:11

I think you're making too much of this. She doesn't seem to be talking badly about your dd or getting annoyed when you mention her. Honestly checking out her social media comments and likes seems a bit unhinged.

I don't mention her except for when she can't be at something due to comp or training. Or I can't be somewhere as I'll be with dd.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowballing1 · 09/12/2024 09:26

arethereanyleftatall · 09/12/2024 09:10

Well if you want to stay with friends with her, probably best to read the room. So in your cinema exam

'Sorry, Beth can't make that date, we have a prior commitment'

Which after all is a more normal thing than to say than name drop a competition. I got so bored of an ex friend who added in irrelevant detail to show off all the time. 'Happy birthday from sunny Barbados.' Etc

I'm sorry but that's very formal . With all dds & ds friends it's very normal for parents to say "X won't make it he has a match " , "DD won't make going to grandparents " etc...

OP posts:
SharpOpalNewt · 09/12/2024 09:24

MintTwirl · 09/12/2024 09:20

This is a bit of a stretch tbh. The other parent hasn’t done anything like that, all she has done is not like posts on social media or gushed over the OPs daughter. OPs daughter isn’t being impacted in any way. OP is the one counting compliments and likes.

Show quote history

Obviously a more extreme example, but just wanted to show that there are (and have always been) jealous parents around.

Mnetcurious · 09/12/2024 09:23

Nothing to be flummoxed about - she’s annoyed that your child is out-performing hers and can’t bring herself to say anything because she’s not pleased for you or your child.

MintTwirl · 09/12/2024 09:20

SharpOpalNewt · 09/12/2024 09:16

She is jealous, OP.

I was on the receiving end of this as a child from another mum at primary school. It started after I got the leading role in a school play, and her daughter started at the dance school I went to, but was obviously at a lower level as I'd already been there a few years. One time she (the mum) yelled at me in the playground when my mum wasn't there (I was about 8/9 years old) and the mum tried to get me into trouble for bullying her daughter (it was very much the other way round). She confronted my dad at the dance school and he basically told her to piss off and leave me alone- I had never heard my dad raise his voice to anyone before or since. As an adult I can see this woman was unhinged. As a kid I was just terrified of her but she and her daughter left me alone after that.

This is a bit of a stretch tbh. The other parent hasn’t done anything like that, all she has done is not like posts on social media or gushed over the OPs daughter. OPs daughter isn’t being impacted in any way. OP is the one counting compliments and likes.

HardlyLikely · 09/12/2024 09:19

SharpOpalNewt · 09/12/2024 09:16

She is jealous, OP.

I was on the receiving end of this as a child from another mum at primary school. It started after I got the leading role in a school play, and her daughter started at the dance school I went to, but was obviously at a lower level as I'd already been there a few years. One time she (the mum) yelled at me in the playground when my mum wasn't there (I was about 8/9 years old) and the mum tried to get me into trouble for bullying her daughter (it was very much the other way round). She confronted my dad at the dance school and he basically told her to piss off and leave me alone- I had never heard my dad raise his voice to anyone before or since. As an adult I can see this woman was unhinged. As a kid I was just terrified of her but she and her daughter left me alone after that.

So a completely different situation to the one the OP describes, which is entirely lacking in confrontation, shouting or bullying?

SharpOpalNewt · 09/12/2024 09:16

She is jealous, OP.

I was on the receiving end of this as a child from another mum at primary school. It started after I got the leading role in a school play, and her daughter started at the dance school I went to, but was obviously at a lower level as I'd already been there a few years. One time she (the mum) yelled at me in the playground when my mum wasn't there (I was about 8/9 years old) and the mum tried to get me into trouble for bullying her daughter (it was very much the other way round). She confronted my dad at the dance school and he basically told her to piss off and leave me alone- I had never heard my dad raise his voice to anyone before or since. As an adult I can see this woman was unhinged. As a kid I was just terrified of her but she and her daughter left me alone after that.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/12/2024 09:12

If you read my post I said I don't mention dd .

But you do! 'can't make that, she's at a competition' rather than 'can't make that, she has a prior commitment.'

Anothernamechane · 09/12/2024 09:11

I think you're making too much of this. She doesn't seem to be talking badly about your dd or getting annoyed when you mention her. Honestly checking out her social media comments and likes seems a bit unhinged.

HardlyLikely · 09/12/2024 09:10

Snowballing1 · 09/12/2024 09:07

Out of interest to see if she just doesn't react to tbe social media or just not dd. Turns out it is just dd as I suspected!

Show quote history

I think that’s deeply weird of you, to be honest.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/12/2024 09:10

Well if you want to stay with friends with her, probably best to read the room. So in your cinema exam

'Sorry, Beth can't make that date, we have a prior commitment'

Which after all is a more normal thing than to say than name drop a competition. I got so bored of an ex friend who added in irrelevant detail to show off all the time. 'Happy birthday from sunny Barbados.' Etc

Original poster
Snowballing1 · 09/12/2024 09:07

HardlyLikely · 09/12/2024 09:05

But you’re checking to see whether this friend has liked or commented on the schools’s posts!

Show quote history

Out of interest to see if she just doesn't react to tbe social media or just not dd. Turns out it is just dd as I suspected!

OP posts:
Nothatgingerpirate · 09/12/2024 09:06

nomoretreats · 09/12/2024 08:13

Well do you ever compliment her child? Just because yours has done well on a national level doesn't mean other parents need to bow down to you.

Grow up.

👍

HardlyLikely · 09/12/2024 09:05

Snowballing1 · 09/12/2024 09:03

If you read my post I said I don't mention dd . But the school includes her in their newsletters & social media. The school also reshares her clubs posts. They do this for other students too who have achievements outside the school.

Show quote history

But you’re checking to see whether this friend has liked or commented on the schools’s posts!

Original poster
Snowballing1 · 09/12/2024 09:03

ZenNudist · 09/12/2024 08:56

I think YABU. It sounds like you are hanging out for praise and recognition on your DDs behalf. Why do you need it. ?

I find it wearing when I meet self important people who are "always at a competition" or clearly brimming with constant pride at their dc achievements.

After a while being told how well someone is doing gets tiresome.

in fact the reason why she "never shuts up about her dd" is probably as she and you are both doing the same thing and boasting. It's really unattractive Trait.

Thinking about it I am often pleased for friends dc. It warms my heart to see a younger child get Mary at the nativity or hear someone got picked for student council. I've got a friend at church where was announced her ds had won something at a national level (she's often at competitions but doesn't make a big deal). I don't offer praise on a very regular basis for everyone's achievements and I doubt my friends are sat at home fuming that I don't care.

You need to let this go. Also the way to deal with her going on about her dd is let it wash over you send nod, say that's nice. I don't think it's good to try and "compete," especially when your dd is doing so well at something, you can afford to be modest and magnanimous.

Secure people don't brag.

If you read my post I said I don't mention dd . But the school includes her in their newsletters & social media. The school also reshares her clubs posts. They do this for other students too who have achievements outside the school.

OP posts:
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 09/12/2024 09:02

She may well be jealous but you don't need her validation.

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