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Original poster

Is my MIL right or is she just rude?

337 replies

ChocBanana · 08/12/2024 23:59

For various reasons my MiL is not an easy person to get along with, but I do my best for the sake of family harmony and all that.
It’s coming up to Christmas and her birthday again (they are in the same week) and we are stuck for ideas because she doesn’t like ANYTHING we give her. We know this because she opens it and gives it back saying “Oh, no thank you, you can keep that.”
Some examples. Last year we made her up a hamper of her favourite (we thought) treats. She went through it and gave us back 7 of the ten items, saying ‘Don’t need that, bought some last week’, ‘don’t buy that brand, you can have that back’ and so on.
The year before we got her vouchers for her favourite shop. She said “I don’t need anything from there at the moment, dear, you can keep that.” (It was a voucher for a shop we would never use - a Country Casuals type place).
Another year we gave her a framed picture of her grandchildren, it went in a drawer, never seen again.
She doesn’t like going out, so that’s out, she doesn’t like books or music or films or TV.
In 99% of the scenarios we end up with something we don’t want and can’t return that we could only just afford in the first place.
She won’t come to our house at Christmas and refuses to eat a meal cooked by anyone other than herself, or let anyone else in her kitchen but if we go round there she spends the whole time complaining about how much work it involves.

But she tells OH every year that she will be very hurt if he doesn’t get her anything.
I’m at the stage where I think she’s just fucking rude but OH has put it on me to work out a present for her.

She lives alone and has done for years, her husband died before I knew her.

I was brought up to believe that if someone gives you a gift, it’s common courtesy to accept it, but OH thinks it’s more honest to say you don’t like it.

So my question is, is she being honest or just being rude?

OP posts:
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5
sickandtiredofitallnow · 09/12/2024 08:11

Hoardasurass · 09/12/2024 00:03

I'd probably just buy her something that I actually wanted if I knew she would just give me it back

This!

HappyTwo · 09/12/2024 08:08

There was once a water charity where you could buy water equipment (like a pump) for a village on behalf of someone and they gave you something to print off so you could say - for your present I bought a water pump for a village sort of thing. Only suits some people but if you can find some sort of charity thing like that it would be hard for her to give that back!
Sounds like she is awful sorry - but this is on your hubby to sort out.

rainbowstardrops · 09/12/2024 08:06

Yes she's rude. Very rude! Having said that, I wouldn't be listening to your partner when he says he's given you the job of buying for her. Absolutely not sunshine!!!! Stand up for yourself.

Worthalltheyears · 09/12/2024 08:03

How on earth did this become your job?Give it back to your husband and let him celebrate his mother’s honesty.

Tagyoureit · 09/12/2024 08:02

But very odd your dh has given you the responsibility of buying for his mother.

Blogswife · 09/12/2024 08:01

What a selfish cow ! I would flatly refuse to buy anything . If your OH wants to get her something then suggest flowers. If she doesn’t like them she can give them to you to enjoy

Ossoduro2 · 09/12/2024 08:00

Hoardasurass · 09/12/2024 00:03

I'd probably just buy her something that I actually wanted if I knew she would just give me it back

This is genius. Do this. You endure a moment of rudeness as she hands it back but you’ve fulfilled your side of things (ie buying a gift) and you have the bonus of getting something you actually wanted !

Ewock · 09/12/2024 07:59

No way would I be continuing to spend my time thinking about a present, buying and wrapping it for someone so blatantly ungrateful. If your dp wants ger to have a present he can sort it.

YYURYYUCICYYUR4ME · 09/12/2024 07:59

I haven't read all of the replies, but how old is MIL?

standardduck · 09/12/2024 07:58

I don't understand why it's your responsibility.

Just tell DH to pick up something for his mum and if she doesn't like it, he deals with it.

RosesAndHellebores · 09/12/2024 07:57

Taken with the other things you have said about her, possibly neuro diverse. However, neuro diverse people can still be polite.

What do you reckon the chances are that she will like your favourite perfume, a nice L'Occitane set or a new bag that you want. However, to be fair I'm a MIL and wouldn't want anything from the genres, ie Country Casual type shops, that you have described.

NetZeroZealot · 09/12/2024 07:57

sleepandcoffee · 09/12/2024 06:10

She sounds rude and ignorant , get her a plant and think nothing more of it

I bought MIL a lovely plant once.
she complained because she’d have to water it.

TiggyTomCat · 09/12/2024 07:56

Amazon or John Lewis voucher? Or just say to her that as you never seem to find the right gift for her what would she actually like? Put her on the spot.

viques · 09/12/2024 07:56

Cash stuffed in a card. If you are feeling kind you could get new notes from a bank, otherwise old ones will do.

thepariscrimefiles · 09/12/2024 07:55

Hazeltwig · 09/12/2024 00:33

There's nothing worse than having to pretend you like something just because you've been given it - and it's such a waste of money too.
In our family we ask people to make a note of stuff they'd like throughout the year as they think about it - and circulate it around Christmas and birthdays. Not exact items, but in general terms - a selection of cheap and dearer things. The actual gift is in the effort someone makes to try and buy (or make!) an item you'd like and will be most appropriate.
For instance I've suggested for myself a fleecy dressing gown, a potato peeler, pretty china pots to hide the ugly plastic pots my enormous houseplant collection live in... Dh bought me a metal detector some years ago which he spent an age researching... My son has had a couple of apple trees for his garden...

There are a lot of things worse than just graciously saying thank you for a present you don't particularly like. Having to buy and hand over a present to an ungrateful twat is worse.

Her MIL gives her back vouchers from her favourite shop because she doesn't need anything from there right now. She is incredibly rude.

If OP's MIL said that she didn't need anything at the moment, so don't buy her anything, that would be fine. But she tells her son that she would be incredibly hurt if he didn't buy her anything, thus setting him (well not really, setting OP) an impossible task.

Viviennemary · 09/12/2024 07:55

Ask her what she wants. If she doesn't answer say well let us know when you've decided. Don't get her anything till she has given you an answer. This needs to be bounced back to her. She has made an an art of being awkward

OatFlatWhiteForMePlease · 09/12/2024 07:54

She is beyond rude.

If funds are tight I would get her a voucher for M&S and if returned use it for a treat shop. Alternatively keep the receipt for a jumper etc and get the money back.

RampantIvy · 09/12/2024 07:54

Ask her what she wants then tell her that your DH will buy it.

NetZeroZealot · 09/12/2024 07:52

She is very rude.
Voucher for Sparks & Mencer.
Trying to avoid link.
If she really can’t find anything she wants there I’m sure you can.

Alondra · 09/12/2024 07:50

JingleB · 09/12/2024 00:22

This is a DH problem.

Don’t engage, don’t buy her anything, don’t even have the conversation. “Your mum, your issue.”

This.

Look, whether she's being rude or being honest, it's a difference of opinion between you and your husband. Your real problem is thinking that she's rude but are still allowing your husband to put it on me to work out a present for her (in your own words)

All you have to do is say no, she's your mother, you buy it for her. And refuse to engage in further conversation. Trust me, you'll feel much better when boundaries are in place.

HurdyGurdy19 · 09/12/2024 07:49

I'd write out your OP (midified slightly!), listing everything you've given in the past that she's rejected.

Then add that she doesn't like reading, so can't buy her books, she doesn't like films, so can't get her anything film related, she doesn't like music, so can't get her anything music related. (How DOES she sound her time.)

Therefore, here's £25 (or however much you would spend), so she can buy something she WOULD like, in whatever shop she chooses, as obviously the voucher was too restrictive.

If your husband insists on buying something, I'd consider getting a subscription for a puzzle book or a magazine, as a last ditch attempt, and if that gets thrown back in your face add it to the list of "we tried, but it was also rejected" for next year.

thepariscrimefiles · 09/12/2024 07:48

Your MIL is a rude twat and it doesn't sound as though the apple has fallen far from the tree as far as your DH is concerned.

How dare he says that a) she's just being honest when she's being incredibly rude and b) it's your job to find a gift that she would like?

Tell your DH that you will not be involved in the choosing/buying of the gift for MIL's birthday or Christmas present. Bugger family harmony. I'd see a lot less of her if I were you.

notatinydancer · 09/12/2024 07:45

Very rude.
Absolutely tell your husband you're not going to be getting her anything.

HonoraBridge · 09/12/2024 07:45

Hoardasurass · 09/12/2024 00:03

I'd probably just buy her something that I actually wanted if I knew she would just give me it back

Excellent suggestion!