Is my MIL right or is she just rude?

It's very easy to deal with an unwanted gift. You just smile, say thank you and pass it on to someone who will like it, or to a charity shop. Your MIL is rude, but so is your OH for expecting you to choose the gift. Tell him to sort it out himself or she won't get anything.

Husband to buy her mum gift.

did your husband sort out your mum present ?!

so no issue at all. Carry on your day. Ha

but OH has put it on me to work out a present for her.

How about he buys his rude mother a gift?! This is ridiculous. You should tell him no. Or if you must buy the gift, get this: https://www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/products/etiquette-of-politeness-book-jan-barnes-9781898617075?sku=GOR004424294&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAADZzAID1CzyqAXaYSSkp4uFVcCoKW

She seems stuck in her ways, which demonstrates as rude.
Is it possible she cannot help it, for the sake of not having anxiety?

Ten quid in an envelope and a bunch of flowers from the garage. If your DH thinks that is not enough, I'd add a pair of leather trousers. Or sexy lingerie. In my size

Or this!

Your husband buys the present and gives it to her.
If he has a problem with her giving it back, he says something to her.

Tell your boyfriend that she really likes your favourite perfume. Tell him to go and buy the biggest bottle he can find. Then enjoy smelling nice for the rest of the year.

I'd probably just buy her something that I actually wanted if I knew she would just give me it back

I absolutely love this suggestion and might try it myself. dh is of the camp of being honest if you don't like something but I still think it is polite to thank in the first instance for the care and thought.

I agree with PP's who say this is an opportunity to buy yourself something you really want. However, given Sod's law* she will probably love it and keep it.

*is it ok to use this phrase these days? If not, apologies.

have only read the OP. Because

But she tells OH every year that she will be very hurt if he doesn’t get her anything.

he can get her a plant. Chuck it in her bin if she gives it back. Or flowers. Or anything.

I’m at the stage where I think she’s just fucking rude but OH has put it on me to work out a present for her.

he is also fucking rude, wonder where he gets it from. Push it right back on him. Use words like "if you don't get her anything, she gets nothing and it's on you"

But honestly? if she hands you back whatever you give her either make sure it's something your family want or need and can use. Or b stick it straight in the bin, right in front of her.

It's very rude. When my mother died and we were clearing her house I found all the perfume, bath products that I had been getting her from her DGC. She could have set up her own shop. She never said anything. Had I known I would have bought her something else. Probably my fault for not realising

OP, don’t make the mistake of thinking she doesn’t know exactly what she’s doing - of course she does. You need to understand that this is a game of control and whatever you give her, she isn’t going to like it. And her comment to your DH that she will be very hurt if she doesn’t get anything, shows that she knows the effect her behaviour is having. She enjoys having you both running round like headless chickens trying to find something to please her, only to be slapped down when she hands it back.

Stop enabling it. If she’s made it plain previously that she doesn’t want to come to you for Christmas, then fine. Stop asking - if she comments, tell her you don’t want to put her in the awkward position of refusing yet again. If she moans about the work involved when you go for dinner, refuse her invitations and tell her you feel uncomfortable that she won’t let you help, or reciprocate, but constantly reminds you how much work it is. Do you have children ? If so, suggest to her that the adult family members stop buying Christmas gifts for each other and just concentrate on the children. If not, then do the same thing for Christmas and her birthday - throw the ball back in her court and just get her a card and nothing else. Ask her to let you know what she would like as a gift so you can get it for her. And leave it at that.

This will let her know that you’re on to her little game and you’re not playing any more. If you don’t do something she’ll just carry on - you’re enabling her batshit off the scale rudeness. Oh and tell your DH to grow a pair - his mother, his problem.

Agreed. But surely if she doesn't want something she could just say thank you like a normal person, keep it and then quietly regift it?

I can see people might have their reasons for refusing a gift, but to me it's very rude, I'd never do it.

Hand it back to her son to sort out.

Why are you present hunting? This is your dhs problem not yours

Pass this back to your husband, unless he's happy for you to respond truthfully if she disregards the present.

I would prefer your MIL's way over the gift receiving technique I've seen posted on Reddit, which is to accept anything and everything you're offered, then throw it in the trash as soon as you leave the giver's house. I would be livid if I found out I was spending my hard earned money on gifts for someone, who was then throwing everything in the garbage.

Rude. You can't solve the rudeness but you can solve the stress of finding the perfect present by opting out of that as a goal. Tell DH it's his job, you can suggest something super easy like chocs or a Prezzee voucher or cash, then you won't be hurt if she returns it and you can easily use it. Up to him if he wants to ask her for tips.

I have a family member on the spectrum who gets hurt if they don't receive gifts but is visibly (though not audibly because they're not deliberately rude!) unimpressed by any attempts to find something thoughtful - they like their specific brands and don't understand why we'd get something that's not exactly the thing they like. But they do send links to things they want, will consume chocs/wine even if they'd prefer their favourite brands, and would never return a gift or say they don't need it.

Your MIL is rude. I would tell your dh you're not buying her anything, leave it to him to sort.

Like this idea - she would be very hard hearted to complain about a charitable gift.

This is the way.

I don't agree with your OH at all. If you don't like a gift, accept gracefully with a smile and a thank you and then rehome it. It say you don't like a gift is incredibly rude.
Honestly, give this one straight back to your OH. His mother, his problem.

‘but OH has put it on me to work out a present for her.’
More fool you for accepting this. There’s not a chance this would be on me, she’s ungrateful and rude and, most importantly, she’s HIS mother.

I've never understood why women think it's their responsibility to sort presents for their husband's family.

Why do you OP?