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Original poster

Is my MIL right or is she just rude?

337 replies

ChocBanana · 08/12/2024 23:59

For various reasons my MiL is not an easy person to get along with, but I do my best for the sake of family harmony and all that.
It’s coming up to Christmas and her birthday again (they are in the same week) and we are stuck for ideas because she doesn’t like ANYTHING we give her. We know this because she opens it and gives it back saying “Oh, no thank you, you can keep that.”
Some examples. Last year we made her up a hamper of her favourite (we thought) treats. She went through it and gave us back 7 of the ten items, saying ‘Don’t need that, bought some last week’, ‘don’t buy that brand, you can have that back’ and so on.
The year before we got her vouchers for her favourite shop. She said “I don’t need anything from there at the moment, dear, you can keep that.” (It was a voucher for a shop we would never use - a Country Casuals type place).
Another year we gave her a framed picture of her grandchildren, it went in a drawer, never seen again.
She doesn’t like going out, so that’s out, she doesn’t like books or music or films or TV.
In 99% of the scenarios we end up with something we don’t want and can’t return that we could only just afford in the first place.
She won’t come to our house at Christmas and refuses to eat a meal cooked by anyone other than herself, or let anyone else in her kitchen but if we go round there she spends the whole time complaining about how much work it involves.

But she tells OH every year that she will be very hurt if he doesn’t get her anything.
I’m at the stage where I think she’s just fucking rude but OH has put it on me to work out a present for her.

She lives alone and has done for years, her husband died before I knew her.

I was brought up to believe that if someone gives you a gift, it’s common courtesy to accept it, but OH thinks it’s more honest to say you don’t like it.

So my question is, is she being honest or just being rude?

OP posts:
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5
C152 · 09/12/2024 11:06

I'm shocked this has been going on for as long as it has without you telling her how rude she is. Personally, I would ask her exactly what she would like and if she can't specify, just give her a card and that's it. If she does tell you what she would like and then gives it back, don't buy anything for her again.

But none of this should be your problem anyway. This isn't your mother. It's not your job to buy her a gift, especially if she's ungrateful and rude about it. Just tell your DH that if he wants to get her a gift, he'll have to put the time, effort and thought into doing it himself.

whatcanthematterbe81 · 09/12/2024 10:37

lol, absolutely fuck that

LazyArsedMagician · 09/12/2024 10:30

YABU to not just tell him it's his mother, he can sort it, and stop thinking about it.

Yes she's rude but he's obviously cut from the same cloth as he's just decided to pass the buck to you!

Tagyoureit · 09/12/2024 10:16

AllTangledUpInTinselAndTiaras · 09/12/2024 10:11

Yes that's a good idea too. But in this case that will cause loads of complaining and whining from MIL about how hurt she is. Which DH apparently can't tolerate...which is why he should buy the bloody gift himself and not make it his wife's burden!!

Very true!!

stayathomer · 09/12/2024 10:14

TunaTheSilverTabbyCat

JMSA*
'Dear M-I-L, I hope you don't mind me saying, but I feel I never quite get it right with your presents. Would be great to get you something you'd like/use/need. Can you think of anything? Or is there a certain charity you'd like us to donate to on your behalf?'
Nah.... this is just playing into her hands
who cares if it stops any further thought?!

lovelysunshine22 · 09/12/2024 10:13

Hoardasurass · 09/12/2024 00:03

I'd probably just buy her something that I actually wanted if I knew she would just give me it back

What a great idea, definitely do this OP!

Oodydoody · 09/12/2024 10:12

Why on earth are you allowing your lazy useless husband to make this a you problem?
Unbelievable🙄

AllTangledUpInTinselAndTiaras · 09/12/2024 10:11

Tagyoureit · 09/12/2024 10:08

Or just be adults and say let's not bother with gifts for each other this year and just focus on the kids. That way no one has to bother with gifts for fellow adults. Much easier all round.

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Above in reply to this comment.

AllTangledUpInTinselAndTiaras · 09/12/2024 10:11

Yes that's a good idea too. But in this case that will cause loads of complaining and whining from MIL about how hurt she is. Which DH apparently can't tolerate...which is why he should buy the bloody gift himself and not make it his wife's burden!!

Bamboozledbylife · 09/12/2024 10:10

Definable buy her something you like and cross your fingers it comes back to you 😊

Tagyoureit · 09/12/2024 10:08

FestiveFruitloop · 09/12/2024 08:38

Agreed. But surely if she doesn't want something she could just say thank you like a normal person, keep it and then quietly regift it?

I can see people might have their reasons for refusing a gift, but to me it's very rude, I'd never do it.

Show quote history

Or just be adults and say let's not bother with gifts for each other this year and just focus on the kids. That way no one has to bother with gifts for fellow adults. Much easier all round.

ClicketyClickPlusOne · 09/12/2024 09:58

She does sound very… singular in her behaviour. Declining to visit or eat elsewhere etc.

It may be that she sees giving it back as a kindness to you? Some people do not react to gifts in the same way. None of DH’s family ever open gifts in front of the giver, or say thank you. But they also shower us with gifts, Different cultural background.

None of which makes it easier to think of a gift, or change the fact that this is DH’s job.

But I’d give her a voucher that says you will pay her Car MOT fee or something.

Or a book token.

MrsLeonFarrell · 09/12/2024 09:41

I'd accept I can't win with her and then either make my husband buy something or buy her something I'd either like or would use so that the money spent wasn't completely wasted.

riverislandjeans · 09/12/2024 09:28

Absolutely pass this back to your husband!! It's his mother and she's clearly hell to buy for! I wouldn't give it the time of day!

Get him to send her a card & well wishes and that would be it for me if he can't think of anything else.

Wigglywoowho · 09/12/2024 09:25

Tell your husband its his mum and he can buy her the gift. She might be less rude if it comes from him. I think when you get a gift you say thanks and of uou don't like it give it to the bloody charity shop. She's rude and not very gracious.

AllTangledUpInTinselAndTiaras · 09/12/2024 09:23

If your DH isn't going to step up and do it himself, I wouldn't even bother to do the getting something nice for yourself thing, tbh. I expect she's doing it on purpose because she knows it's you who does the shopping, wrapping and all the work of trying to find lovely things for her. So I'd definitely want to make sure she doesn't get the pleasure of rejecting perfectly nice end thoughtful gifts.

So I'd buy something generic, and when she gives it back, save it and re-gift it to her next year, and the year after, and every year until your DH does what he's supposed to do and takes up the burden himself.

applestrudels · 09/12/2024 09:19

Get your husband (because this is entirely, 100% his problem) to ask her: "look mum, is there anything you want for Christmas? Because you refuse every single thing we ever get you, and we're out of ideas".

And if that doesn't work, buy her something you want.

It is stunningly rude.

Whatsitreallylike · 09/12/2024 09:19

Hoardasurass · 09/12/2024 00:03

I'd probably just buy her something that I actually wanted if I knew she would just give me it back

100% this! Find something you want, buy it, wrap it up for her and be glad when she gives it back. Everyone’s a winner 🤣

Mnetcurious · 09/12/2024 09:19

Obviously the answer is “husband it’s your mum and she rejects every present we buy her. It’s your responsibility to buy her gift from now on - I won’t be doing it.”

LifeisNOTlikeemmerdalefarm · 09/12/2024 09:19

My MIL was difficult to buy for.
One year she had complained about her tights.
So we bought her 50 pairs of tights.
She was delighted.

Try something boring like that but really it should be her son who buys her present.

user1492757084 · 09/12/2024 09:14

I think your MIL is suffering a personality disorder so chill and don't take it personally.

I would rebuy the three items she liked last year.
Other ideas:
A nice quality bath towel - monogramed then you can't accept it back.
A gift vouchure to her favourite coffee shop or fruit shop.
A gift vouchure to her hair dresser.
Treat or lead or toy for her dog or cat.
A photo of herself in a frame.
Donation to charity on her behalf like - Christmas Bowl, Christmas Caritas, Anglicare, Red Cross, UNICEF
Service her car.
Mow her lawn and plant a Lisbon Lemon.
Airfryer or new kettle.

ClairDeLaLune · 09/12/2024 09:13

Why is this your job? Does your OH’s precious penis prevent him from buying gifts? Diddums! Tell both of them to fuck off! She’s rude and he’s pathetic.

pimplebum · 09/12/2024 09:13

Not your job

get him to get a wish list

Wheelyfast · 09/12/2024 09:12

@ChocBanana
The more the charity goat is suggested the more like it, could you "blame" the kids "grandma is the G.O.A.T" ( greatest of all time) 😁🎀🐐

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 09/12/2024 09:11

Also agree if she doesn’t want it this year - you put it in the bin in front of her.