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Original poster

Is my MIL right or is she just rude?

337 replies

ChocBanana · 08/12/2024 23:59

For various reasons my MiL is not an easy person to get along with, but I do my best for the sake of family harmony and all that.
It’s coming up to Christmas and her birthday again (they are in the same week) and we are stuck for ideas because she doesn’t like ANYTHING we give her. We know this because she opens it and gives it back saying “Oh, no thank you, you can keep that.”
Some examples. Last year we made her up a hamper of her favourite (we thought) treats. She went through it and gave us back 7 of the ten items, saying ‘Don’t need that, bought some last week’, ‘don’t buy that brand, you can have that back’ and so on.
The year before we got her vouchers for her favourite shop. She said “I don’t need anything from there at the moment, dear, you can keep that.” (It was a voucher for a shop we would never use - a Country Casuals type place).
Another year we gave her a framed picture of her grandchildren, it went in a drawer, never seen again.
She doesn’t like going out, so that’s out, she doesn’t like books or music or films or TV.
In 99% of the scenarios we end up with something we don’t want and can’t return that we could only just afford in the first place.
She won’t come to our house at Christmas and refuses to eat a meal cooked by anyone other than herself, or let anyone else in her kitchen but if we go round there she spends the whole time complaining about how much work it involves.

But she tells OH every year that she will be very hurt if he doesn’t get her anything.
I’m at the stage where I think she’s just fucking rude but OH has put it on me to work out a present for her.

She lives alone and has done for years, her husband died before I knew her.

I was brought up to believe that if someone gives you a gift, it’s common courtesy to accept it, but OH thinks it’s more honest to say you don’t like it.

So my question is, is she being honest or just being rude?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Tessabelle74 · 10/12/2024 17:56

The first time she reacted that way to a gift would have been the last time I got anything for her. Don't get anything and when she asks why, just tell her straight, you always hate everything we get so we didn't bother this year

JayJayj · 10/12/2024 17:54

She is rude.

Do not buy her anything. If your husband wants to buy HIS mother a gift then he can. But don’t waste your time.

JFDIYOLO · 10/12/2024 10:22

Dear OP

Please listen to this. I guarantee you'll be merrily singing it under your breath on Christmas morning. And if she asks what it is ... Play it to her ...

😈

m.youtube.com/watch?v=7vBXFAyUXBc

BriannaCranston · 09/12/2024 22:37

Stop being such a pushover. Leave your husband to deal with his own mother and her rude, controlling behaviour.

Femme2804 · 09/12/2024 22:31

Just give her money. My MIL also like this and now i give her £50-£100 everytime her birthday. I dont want to think anymore

WiddlinDiddlin · 09/12/2024 21:48

Damn I clearly scan read that too quickly!

Wheelyfast · 09/12/2024 21:46

@WiddlinDiddlin suggested hours/ pages ago

WiddlinDiddlin · 09/12/2024 21:42

https://debretts.com/books/ One of these, whichever edition you feel she needs really. Classy gift too! Book mark the pages on recieving/giving gifts :)

Books • Debretts

https://debretts.com/books

IhadaStripeyDeckchair · 09/12/2024 21:40

Your MIL is extremely rude and just woukd never buy her another gift again.

Your partner is a CF giving you the job of buying MILs presents. I'd refuse saying I never plan to buy her a gift again as she is always so rude about them.

Borninabarn32 · 09/12/2024 21:33

OH has put it on me to work out a present for her

Is he your manager? This is not your job. It is his mum, it is his responsibility to buy her present. I used to do all this for ex. Buy a lovely present and lovely "mum" card. Wrap and sign it all from him. Do not fucking do it. IT IS NOT YOUR JOB.

Blueybingobanditchilli · 09/12/2024 21:28

A previous poster nailed it - don’t try to be original. She needs something to open and discard. I think she enjoys the power play. I’d get something you like yourself and when she gives it back, next time you see her make sure you are wearing it.

Chocolately · 09/12/2024 17:04

Drop the rope. This is your DH's problem to solve.
One less job on your list. Yay!

Mandylovescandy · 09/12/2024 16:43

Your OH should not put it on you but I would buy something you would love to have and look forward to being able to keep/use it

toucheee · 09/12/2024 15:24

Just get her something cheap:

long hot water bottle
silk scrunchie set
silk eye mask
Rituals body wash
Warm scarf

Don't kill yourself trying to be original, she needs something to open and discard. She is a weirdo.

BUT ideally you will tell DH to sort his own mum out, you are not his secretary.

LookItsMeAgain · 09/12/2024 15:22

Get her a charity donation - goats or school equipment (to the value that you would give her) so that at least someone who genuinely wants and needs something is getting it.

She can hand back stuff but she is being rude doing that. If she doesn't want or need for anything, then she just doesn't want or need anything. You can't change that. You can change what you give her as a gift though so that someone who does want and need something gets it.

GridlockonMain · 09/12/2024 15:18

Yes, she’s rude!

For some people, the gift of feeling misunderstood and hard done by is worth more than any item or experience could be. From now on, your husband should get her something nice but generic which requires little effort or thought on his part and accept that what he’s really giving her is the joy of being a Martyr, which is what she actually wants.

JHound · 09/12/2024 15:12

Bettysnow · 09/12/2024 14:26

A card with £20 in it and she can keep it or give it to charity. Any complaints and she should be told there's no point buying her anything as she doesn't accept it.

Yep I was thinking that - cash or vouchers.

But really I would simply refuse to expend the emotional labour and tell my husband to do it.

ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews · 09/12/2024 14:48

JohnTheRevelator · 09/12/2024 00:25

Sorry,but I couldn't get past the bit where you said 'She opens it and gives it back saying 'Oh no thank you,you can keep that'. What a rude woman!

I was stunned when i read that bit.

I can easily imagine the mortifying tableau.

Bettysnow · 09/12/2024 14:26

A card with £20 in it and she can keep it or give it to charity. Any complaints and she should be told there's no point buying her anything as she doesn't accept it.

Rosscameasdoody · 09/12/2024 13:43

TheShellBeach · 09/12/2024 13:32

I am always flabbergasted when posters quote the whole OP.

Show quote history

🤣🤣🤣

TheShellBeach · 09/12/2024 13:32

JHound · 09/12/2024 12:39

I am always flabbergasted when husbands expect their wives to sort out their family’s gifts for him.
I would refuse. She sounds like a nightmare and she is not your mother. He can deal with his battle axe mother.

Show quote history

I am always flabbergasted when posters quote the whole OP.

JHound · 09/12/2024 12:39

ChocBanana · 08/12/2024 23:59

For various reasons my MiL is not an easy person to get along with, but I do my best for the sake of family harmony and all that.
It’s coming up to Christmas and her birthday again (they are in the same week) and we are stuck for ideas because she doesn’t like ANYTHING we give her. We know this because she opens it and gives it back saying “Oh, no thank you, you can keep that.”
Some examples. Last year we made her up a hamper of her favourite (we thought) treats. She went through it and gave us back 7 of the ten items, saying ‘Don’t need that, bought some last week’, ‘don’t buy that brand, you can have that back’ and so on.
The year before we got her vouchers for her favourite shop. She said “I don’t need anything from there at the moment, dear, you can keep that.” (It was a voucher for a shop we would never use - a Country Casuals type place).
Another year we gave her a framed picture of her grandchildren, it went in a drawer, never seen again.
She doesn’t like going out, so that’s out, she doesn’t like books or music or films or TV.
In 99% of the scenarios we end up with something we don’t want and can’t return that we could only just afford in the first place.
She won’t come to our house at Christmas and refuses to eat a meal cooked by anyone other than herself, or let anyone else in her kitchen but if we go round there she spends the whole time complaining about how much work it involves.

But she tells OH every year that she will be very hurt if he doesn’t get her anything.
I’m at the stage where I think she’s just fucking rude but OH has put it on me to work out a present for her.

She lives alone and has done for years, her husband died before I knew her.

I was brought up to believe that if someone gives you a gift, it’s common courtesy to accept it, but OH thinks it’s more honest to say you don’t like it.

So my question is, is she being honest or just being rude?

I am always flabbergasted when husbands expect their wives to sort out their family’s gifts for him.
I would refuse. She sounds like a nightmare and she is not your mother. He can deal with his battle axe mother.

Aligirlbear · 09/12/2024 12:31

Either :

  1. buy something you would like so it's a win win when she gives it back

  2. Give a donation to the local Donkey sanctuary ( or what ever charity) in her name and give her the certificate

  3. Tell your DH it's his problem to sort !

5128gap · 09/12/2024 11:13

Tell your OH to 'work on' her Christmas present himself if he wants her to have one. Personally I think she's giving very clear signals she neither wants or needs anything you give to her, so if I were HIM I'd ask her whether she wanted to name something she did want or if she'd prefer nothing. If I were YOU I'd tell him it was no longer something I was prepared to 'work on'.