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Original poster

Is my MIL right or is she just rude?

337 replies

ChocBanana · 08/12/2024 23:59

For various reasons my MiL is not an easy person to get along with, but I do my best for the sake of family harmony and all that.
It’s coming up to Christmas and her birthday again (they are in the same week) and we are stuck for ideas because she doesn’t like ANYTHING we give her. We know this because she opens it and gives it back saying “Oh, no thank you, you can keep that.”
Some examples. Last year we made her up a hamper of her favourite (we thought) treats. She went through it and gave us back 7 of the ten items, saying ‘Don’t need that, bought some last week’, ‘don’t buy that brand, you can have that back’ and so on.
The year before we got her vouchers for her favourite shop. She said “I don’t need anything from there at the moment, dear, you can keep that.” (It was a voucher for a shop we would never use - a Country Casuals type place).
Another year we gave her a framed picture of her grandchildren, it went in a drawer, never seen again.
She doesn’t like going out, so that’s out, she doesn’t like books or music or films or TV.
In 99% of the scenarios we end up with something we don’t want and can’t return that we could only just afford in the first place.
She won’t come to our house at Christmas and refuses to eat a meal cooked by anyone other than herself, or let anyone else in her kitchen but if we go round there she spends the whole time complaining about how much work it involves.

But she tells OH every year that she will be very hurt if he doesn’t get her anything.
I’m at the stage where I think she’s just fucking rude but OH has put it on me to work out a present for her.

She lives alone and has done for years, her husband died before I knew her.

I was brought up to believe that if someone gives you a gift, it’s common courtesy to accept it, but OH thinks it’s more honest to say you don’t like it.

So my question is, is she being honest or just being rude?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Mrsbloggz · 09/12/2024 00:50

OH has put it on me to work out a present for her
Cool, buy a vibrator?

Clarinet1 · 09/12/2024 00:49

PS Also second the idea that you should tell your OH to deal with his own DM’s gifts though.

Mrsbloggz · 09/12/2024 00:49

Oh, no thank you, you can keep that
😱
That would only happen once to me. I'd (find it almost impossible not to) shoot her down on the spot.

sandyhappypeople · 09/12/2024 00:49

But she tells OH every year that she will be very hurt if HE doesn’t get her anything.

I’m at the stage where I think she’s just fucking rude but OH has put it on ME to work out a present for her.

Let me help you OP, you need to stop making this a personal challenge to find something acceptable, she will never accept what you get her on principle, that much is obvious, and she has made it clear she will be upset with him, not you, so you have two options:

OPTION 1:
Just say no to OH... there you go, easy!!

OPTION 2:
Play her at her own silly game and buy her a voucher for a shop that she doesn't shop in buy you guys do. Win win!

Clarinet1 · 09/12/2024 00:47

I actually think the charity gift idea is quite good - buy something for a dog at Battersea if she likes animals? Something for a starter kit for person who’s been homeless? That kind of thing. Surely then she can’t say it’s not something she needs!

Discombobble · 09/12/2024 00:45

Say no. It’s up to him to find a suitable gift - no reason why you should bear the brunt of her rudeness.

crumblingschools · 09/12/2024 00:44

Does your DH have similar attitude to gifts? Why does he think it is your responsibility?

PinkArt · 09/12/2024 00:40

OH has put it on me to work out a present for her.
Well put it right back on him then. His rude family member, his problem. It does sound like the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree there.
If you absolutely can't do that, although you absolutely should, then definitely just buy something you want. With his money.

Noseybookworm · 09/12/2024 00:40

Why are you allowing your husband to delegate the present buying for his mother to you??? Just don't do it!

Topsyturvy78 · 09/12/2024 00:40

Very rude where does she shop? How would she react if you gave her a gift card for M&S food? Or you could treat her to a meal out or afternoon tea. If you have DC offer to pay for her to go on a day out with you later in the year.

cariadlet · 09/12/2024 00:39

Hoardasurass · 09/12/2024 00:03

I'd probably just buy her something that I actually wanted if I knew she would just give me it back

You beat me to it! Just what I was going to suggest.
Think of a nice treat that you and your dh and dc would all enjoy.

RubyMentor · 09/12/2024 00:39

TheShellBeach · 09/12/2024 00:18

Give her a copy of this book:

All The Ways I Think You're A Cunt: A Definitive Guide For All The Reasons I Think You're A Massive Cunt

https://amzn.eu/d/iSUc0Yr

Edited

That would be a great secret Santa present 🤣🤣

Duckingella · 09/12/2024 00:39

This reminds me of one of my close friends mothers.She's rude AF to my friend and her older brother and openly tells them she doesn't like her gifts.

However anything her golden child buys her (her younger son) is wonderful and she loves to brag about his gifts.

I think your DH has absolved himself of the responsibility of buying for his cow of a mother because he can't be fucked to deal with her behaviour.

Time I think for that responsibility to go back to him.

RogueFemale · 09/12/2024 00:39

Wheelyfast · 09/12/2024 00:35

His mum, his problem to sort.
You have tried repeatedly.

Yup.

MoodEnhancer · 09/12/2024 00:36

Your MiL is extremely rude. But your OH is an arse. How dare he leave it to you to buy his ungrateful mother a gift?

If you can’t face the discussion with him so close to Christmas, then I love the idea others have suggested of you buying something you’d like which she will give back to you, like a voucher for a spa day. Think of it as weaponised incompetence, with an added bonus.

Wheelyfast · 09/12/2024 00:35

His mum, his problem to sort.
You have tried repeatedly.

Hazeltwig · 09/12/2024 00:33

There's nothing worse than having to pretend you like something just because you've been given it - and it's such a waste of money too.
In our family we ask people to make a note of stuff they'd like throughout the year as they think about it - and circulate it around Christmas and birthdays. Not exact items, but in general terms - a selection of cheap and dearer things. The actual gift is in the effort someone makes to try and buy (or make!) an item you'd like and will be most appropriate.
For instance I've suggested for myself a fleecy dressing gown, a potato peeler, pretty china pots to hide the ugly plastic pots my enormous houseplant collection live in... Dh bought me a metal detector some years ago which he spent an age researching... My son has had a couple of apple trees for his garden...

JC03745 · 09/12/2024 00:33

Give denture adhesive cream and a denture brush- Oh, sorry OP, I thought those were clearly false teeth all these years! 😜

Bloomer style knickers 2 sizes larger than she'd need

Otherwise, something that YOU will like when its handed back.

Needanewname42 · 09/12/2024 00:32

This is a hard one because on one hand I get it. I'd much rather exchange a gift for something that will be used than for it to lie in a cupboard unused, especially in a house where money is tight.

I think I'd ask her for ideas.
But failing that I'd get something you like or something from M&S or Next that are easy to exchange

cromwell44 · 09/12/2024 00:31

Obviously she sounds awful and I’m not sure why you’d take on her present buying, but a practical solution is flowers. Tell DH to arrange a delivery a
so you don’t need to be there when she gets them.

Youtoldmeonce · 09/12/2024 00:31

Flowers?

Snoopdoggydog123 · 09/12/2024 00:31

The fucking audacity of your dick head of a husband.

Out of sheer principle alone. Forgetting all the story regarding MIL.

You have to say No! He will do 100% of the work for her gift because you are not his fucking secretary.

Don't you bloody dare even give him a single idea.

AGoingConcern · 09/12/2024 00:30

OH has put it on me to work out a present for her.

Fuck. That.

Seriously. Tell him with absolutely zero frills or discussion - “She is your mother, you need to sort out a gift if you want her to have one.”

Your MIL is rude and unreasonable, but your OH is an ass for trying to dump this on you.

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