Is my MIL right or is she just rude?

CASH

or one of those charity gifts

Choose something for yourself you actually quite fancy, then when she gives it back say "Thanks, I was thinking when I chose this for you I'd actually of loved it for myself."

A pound to a penny she'd suddenly decide she loved it after all and snatch it back. She'd be horrified at OP getting something lovely and would have to have the last word.

He's put it on you?
Well put it right bloody back on him. What the fuck?

Or get her a book on good manners.

Or sponsor an animal in her name.

Or buy something you really want in hopes she'll give it back.

Bravo! This is the best response to any Mumsnet problem ever !!

No one can put anything on you... unless you allow it.
But her something you like, that way you can keep it when she gives it back.

Or plain and simple, don't buy her anything!

This is one where I actually blaze at my other half, say eff off, you deal with it, it's your mother and refuse to have anything to do with it. Grow a spine and tell him!

Hell, yes, she's RUDE! How could anyone give back vouchers for her favourite shop saying “I don’t need anything from there at the moment, dear, you can keep that.” Retail vouchers are typically valid for 1 - 2 years (depending on the shop) so she could buy something in 6 months' time when she does need it!
And of course she'd be upset if she didn't get a present from you and DH - she wouldn't have anything to criticise! 🙄
Whilst I agree that it's out of order for your DH to make this your problem, I also agree that buying something you like, in the hope of getting it back, is the way to go - but you have to be subversive about it to make it more fun ..... as the saying goes, "Don't get mad, get even". So, make a hamper again this year with 10 treats you and your DH love - keep a list of what you included. When she inevitably hands some items back (rudely!) make a note of what they are. Next year make up the same hamper, but replace the items she kept with more of the ones she gave back. The object of the game (of which she should be totally unaware) is for her to give you the hamper back in its entirety within 5 years ..... 😂Go on, I dare you! 😉

I think I’d go with other suggestions here and buy something you’d really like.
Then if she gives it back alls good, it doesn’t go to waste

I really sympathise with you because I am the gift organiser for our family too. However nobody has treated a gift with such staggering rudeness and contempt for my feelings. If you have children who see her doing this, I would have a massive problem with her modelling and example of poor behaviour.
Yes, it might be wasteful to receive something that you aren't fond of, but there's no way I would let the gift giver know that I didn't like it. I was brought up to believe getting a gift is not a right but a treat that I should be grateful and gracious when receiving it. I would respect the intention of the person buying it and being grateful to be given something.

I wouldn't ask her for ideas because it might result in her suggesting things that are too expensive, as she doesn't seem to be thinking about you at all.

Choose something that is a cheap token gift or something you would be happy to be given back.

If it happens again this year I would explain to your husband that you find it hurtful to have your gifts returned, especially as you have put thought into it. Tell him that you won't be buying anything for her next year and if he wants to get her something, he's got to do it himself. Someone who loves you should not want you to be upset and hurt every year. Regardless of if he finds her behaviour rude or not, you do, so he should be understanding and eliminate the issue by stepping up.

Yup, from MIL's nearest petrol forecourt - then she can take them back herself! 😂

She's rude.

The answer is obviously to buy something you would like for yourself.

2 separate issues here

1. OH has put it on me to work out a present for her...............
2. is she being honest or just being rude ..................

1. why is it down to you to work out a present for her??
2. she's being both honest and (very!) rude

If you're going to go down the route of " my OH wants me to buy for her so, ok that's what I'll do, then PP nailed it by saying just get something you'd like yourself.

Alternatively, say that you can't think of anything and put the onus back on him.

WHY is he putting up with his mother's behaviour?

Why are you just accepting him putting up with his mother's behaviour?

She'll be upset if there's no present, but she doesn't like any of the presents she receives ? ............... wtf??!

Tell him you've tried your best but obviously you're not getting it right, so it's down to him this year.

If you're feeling particularly generous you could advise him to ask her for a list of what she'd like / find acceptable.

Or, you could just let him struggle ................ 😎

Buy the gift you would love.

Give it to her - do not say anything when she gives it back (or do what you have done for the last few years) .. that way if it rudeness she wont twig that you are pleased to get it back

Amazon vouchers - fav drink - snacks you like - go shopping and treat yourself. (I hope you are spending your OH's money to do this) .

OR

Say 'your mum your problem'.

Also yeah she is a rude cow but I'd give her one last chance with what I said and then after that I'd just not really bother.

I would message her and say, hey so our gifts are usually a miss for you but I'd love to actually get you something you enjoy. Any suggestions of something you want or need? And if she's dismissive then inform her you'll be giving her some money equivalent to a gift you'd usually buy. The end. I would definitely leave it in your partners hands though, no idea why his mum's gift is anything to do with you.

Donate to a charity in her name. That way someone will get the benefit of your hard earned cash and if she complains it’ll just confirm what you already know, that she’s a cunt 🤷‍♀️

I agree you should just let DH get her gift. She probably has a very small world, and you don’t create enough drama, and this is the only way she can stir the pot.
She knows it’s you that gets the presents, the time it takes and the mental load. If your DH is likely to not get her anything I would just get a generic voucher to somewhere you will shop with a few years on the use by date. If she gives it back put it aside and give it to her next year. Once it’s close to its date use it yourself.

Put it on you?? How dare he. I would reply well if you’re leaving it with me that’s sorted then, I’m not putting any time or effort into buying your ungrateful mum something.

Well, she wouldn't be getting anything from me. She wouldn't even get a Christmas Dinner. Let your DH get his mother a gift, and tell her to bring a packed lunch on Christmas day, since she won't eat anything you make. If she doesn't like she can F off.

Just tell your husband that if he wants to get her a gift then it’s up to him to go and buy it , end of problem .

Yes - I thought after reading about the rejected vouchers: '...so buy her vouchers for a department store where you would shop.'

I'd probably go for M&S as at least you can buy food. At the risk of being shouted at for pinning the behaviour on a 'condition', it sounds like she either has OCD or is a narc.

Your DH is a CF.

She's rude. Handing back a present is unacceptable. Could she be doing it because she knows you've chosen the gifts? Did she used to give your husband back his before he was with you?

Get her a hamper of your favourite things. If she says that she doesn’t like/need something and hands it back to you, you just get a lovely present for yourself.

she sounds astonishingly rude though

Honestly she gets a point for putting the responsibility on your OH rather than assuming you do all the present buying, as he seems to have done. But no, she's super rude. Either tell OH to get fucked and buy something himself, or buy something you like but your OH is allergic to so that when it comes back, he gets as much out of it as he put in.

I came in to say something similar.

I often think if you can't please someone please yourself. She is going to give something back anyway, so let her and if you get something given back you like, it's a bonus.

Stop trying to please the unpleasable and please yourself.