Am I a horrible person?

'I'm a nice person!'

Poster goes on to detail exactly why they aren't a nice person! 🤷🏼‍♀️

You can shout to the rooftops as loud as you like about how nice you are but you really aren't.

You are aiding and abetting men who are cheating on their wives and if the wives find out they will suffer anguish and heartache not to mention the impact on any children that are involved.

You're having AFFAIRS with married men the damage that does to the innocent parties is immense and it destroys lives you absolutely are NOT a nice person at all .
Maybe your self respect is so low you go after married men who knows 🤷‍♀️

You don’t want a relationship but spent over 3 years sleeping with a married man go and get some therapy and self respect your the lowest of the low

No but they can appear as a much more fun alternative to the trenches of family life with young kids, two working parents juggling everything and not much quality time. This myth that happy people don't cheat is just that. I've done it and had it done to me. A stable marriage that might well go the distance through the tough patches can of course be knocked sideways with determined effort by someone keen to "have" one of the spouses. We are all flawed and weak and can be tempted in hard times. Yes that's on the spouse but you don't have to contribute your part.

Oh right did you not read the word SOMETIMES

Oh right so the evil OW only steals men away from happy marriages? 😆I suppose you have to pretend that's the reality otherwise by your logic you'd have to admit she's doing everyone a favour.

I don't agree. 'most women label the other woman as insecure'. They are not insecure. I'm fact they are very secure. They know what they want and it doesn't matter who that hurts in the process. If they know that this man is in a relationship then the other woman is an accomplice and on equal par with the man who cheated. They did that together without thinking how that impacts on anyone else. They are both selfish and have a distinct lack of empathy for a person who likely did nothing wrong.

Having sex with someone for 3.5 years is not a fwb it is a full blown affair OP.

And for it to go on that length of time there most have been some emotional attachment from both participants.
I know you say they are safe because they won't leave their wife which is probably true, but I don't think I actually know anybody that has had an affair (male or female) and left their partner by choice. They have all been caught out and kicked out, then ended up with the affair partner. What would you do if the wife kicked her H out for snagging you. Chances are he would have nowhere else to stay and you would put him up and hey presto you are in another potentially shit relationship.
I don't know but I think I would be less hurt by a partner who shagged 10 different random women once than by a partner that shagged the same woman 10 times, because one is just physical the other involves emotions and active planning

I dont think they will, as their husband will likely just be on to the next one! The wives will, no doubt, still be blissfully unaware!

If you knowingly get with a taken man, then yes of course you are a horrible person but your not the only one the men your with are too.

anyway your redeemable in the sense you can clearly see your wrong and don’t like the feeling

It doesn't make you very nice. You're selfish and uncaring about people not close to you - a lot of us are in various ways, it doesn't make us horrible people through and through. There isn't one person here who is 'just a nice person' without any unpleasant aspects to them, or their behaviour. Whether or not they're shagging men in relationships.

I completely understand why these mens partners harbour a lot of anger to the other woman - sexual jealousy is very real, competition for a mate that is valued etc - it all makes very logical sense. That being said, I struggle with the idea that it's up to the morals of another woman, to keep someone's man from cheating on her and causing a load of pain and anguish, and essentially, override the morals of the man with a partner and/or family. If your mans a cheater, he's a cheater, regardless who with, and most people would never know he was selfish and (in the eyes of the wife) immoral in this manner, unless another woman was willing to engage with him in some way. Ignorance is bliss, it seems.

What you're doing makes logical sense for you, it just isn't very moral in todays society, and you'll gain a lot of enemies this way. I hate to say it, hence the name change, but there's a reason why so many women and men are willing to engage with a person committed to someone else, and it doesn't always boil down to low self esteem at all. It can be the case in some circumstances, certainly, but actually it's often just a case of decompartmentalising and doing what suits you.

For women who don't want a man who is going to try and tie her down, wants the positive aspects to a relationship without all the bullshit of it, firing out his offspring, picking his minging socks off the floor, nagging him to do basic shit he should be doing, then an attached man does indeed, unfortunately, make logical sense. A great number of them treat their affair partners very well, financially, romantically, emotionally, acts of service etc, often to the point of treating them better in these ways, than the wife. Is it socially right of him? Nah, absolutely not. But plenty of people are quite happy to have these positive aspects, and it suits them fine because they don't want to deal with the negatives.

There's a reason for this. Most wives prefer to label the other woman as insecure with low self esteem, it makes her feel better.

I wonder if you do this because you had such shitty relationships and fear commitment because you don't want to be hurt again.

However, as someone whose partner had an affair for 5 months with a woman who knew we were in a relationship this is a really crappy thing to do. I can't even begin to tell you how much this hurt me and how I've struggled to ever get over that. It has affected the way I trust anyone and made me reluctant to have any relationship through fear of being hurt in that way ever again. It destroyed my family. My home and my trust in men.

I'm saying that, I would never have a fwb who was in a relationship because I wouldn't want another woman to hurt the way I did.

Fwb is fine. Married/spoken for men should absolutely be off limits for anyone with any morals.

What you did was pretty sh*y, but you can't change that now. It was selfish and a way of meeting your own needs without a care for how that impacts anyone else. You say you have an adult child, but did these men have families with children? In actual fact my adult son was just as upset as my young children.

But what you can do is work out why you did it and never do it again. Start now at least, and work on you.

100% this.

I don’t think you’re necessarily a horrible person, but you do need to take a look at your behaviour. This is not a FWB situation; you are essentially a home wrecker.

It sounds like you have low self esteem and a fear of commitment. Due to previous bad relationships you probably feel afraid of being hurt therefore only go for men who you know aren’t able to commit. And/or you feel you don’t deserve better.
Were you ever cheated on or did you have a parent who either cheated or was cheated on? Because you might be subconsciously punishing all women because of your own hurt feelings, or have a negative self view and be trying to make sense of/understand the behaviour of someone who cheated and caused you to be hurt.
Or perhaps you get a sexual kink out of the ‘forbidden’.
Do some self reflection and think about whether any of this could be true for you.
The behaviour is very wrong, selfish and you don’t seem to have even considered the potential impact on the person being cheated on.

Yes is the answer to the question and not only are supporting men to cheat on women you're destroying your own faith and trust in any future relationship you might have. Karma will serve her dish hot!

"Does it make me horrible"

Well, it doesn't make you nice now does it?

You’re a selfish person who doesn’t give a shit about who gets hurt as long as you get your orgasms.

The fact you’re attracted to lying cheating scummy men says a lot about your standards

Low self esteem and low self worth. You feel undeserving of a decent happy relationship. Therapy is the only option here.

You'll get a lot of hate on here but no I don't think you're a horrible person. At worse, selfish but not a 'bad' person and I don't think your preference for attached men negates any kindness in you.

You like the advantages of non-committing relationships where they can't get too close and too much in your space. Whether you think you need to delve deeper into that with therapy is up to you.

Yes you're a horrible person. That was easy

Look at emotionally unavailable men online.

You like them because you can keep them far away enough not to run way from you or let you down. Look at your parents when you were growing up.

My friend was abandoned by her mother as a kid and her father died young. She doesn't believe she is worth anything and that no one will stick around. She also gets crushes on unavailable men. She doesn't act on them but it's always someone she can't have fully herself in one way or another.

She's not a horrible person either.

I really think seeking counselling would be a good idea to unravel this. The fact that you are questioning it shows you aren't a horrible person.

Good luck to you.

I don’t think you’re horrible. I firmly believe when a man cheats it’s on him and he’s the asshole. Some women are horrible and get their kicks out of stealing other women’s partners and they actively want this. This doesn’t sound like you. You sound more like someone who has been hurt and you are only prepared to invest a small amount emotionally into a relationship - married men make that decision easier.

I do think life has a lot more to offer and you are depriving yourself of the fullness of a happy safe relationship. It would be worth having some therapy to explore these issues. Life is too short for just friends with benefits, married or not.

I think 2 things:

1. Avoidant attachment with the dating people you won’t end up with long term
2. It makes you feel even more desired that you are being chosen

You are not an evil person. You just use really crumby methods to get your needs met. Do some work on yourself and release yourself from this pattern. That way you will know you are a decent person doing their best to improve yourself and are no longer at risk of hurting others.

The only thing that makes you horrible is when you say 'you only like taken men' - that suggests you seek them out which implies you seduce them. The men are perfectly at fault for their part, but you need to be accountable for yourself and your attitude. Even men who reject you, you would still be causing harm by pursuing it in the first place.

I think the recommendation for therapy is the right one, you are certainly not a nice or decent person. Nice or decent people don't even think about this.