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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want to have all the siblings and grandkids together at Christmas

91 replies

Pansypath · 08/12/2024 20:18

Dh is an only child. Both his parents are dead and there are no aunts and uncles that he is close to.

I have one sibling. My parents are alive.

My parents are v funny having us all over together for Christmas Day. They find it too much (six grandkids altogether) and say not enough seats at the table etc. No one stays the night - we are all based in the same region within an hour’s drive of each other.

My sibling would like to do alternate years with my parents and alternate years with their in laws. And determine this by the alternate year schedule they have with their ILs who also only want one of their children and family at a time.

That is, if I went along with it, the years I am allowed to spend Christmas with my parents would be determined, like a buying a house chain, by when my sibling’s SIL can go to her parents.

Anyhow I have said it’s fine to do alternate years - just let me know when you want my parents and we’ll make arrangements to be alone, but that my preference actually would be to all be at my parents on the years they want to see my parents. Why should my kids not see their GPs for Christmas based on someone else’s schedule?

It may seem like an obv solution would be for my or my sibling to host. But my parents want to be in their own house at Christmas.

Aaargh. I grew up thinking we’d all just squeeze into one house. Not like there are loads of us. Would be six adults and six kids all older than 7. Isn’t that what it always is on tv - trestle tables and garden chairs and squeezing up and everyone helping?

When my kids are older they are all welcome at mine with their partners and kids and if necessary we’ll have a buffet and sit on the floor.

Aibu?

OP posts:
DappledThings · 08/12/2024 21:24

Loads of posters telling OP she needs to host ignoring the bit in the OP that says she would but her parents have also said they only want to be at home.

YANBU to be disappointed OP. I would be if my parents refused to either host us all every few years or come to us with everyone as well. But sadly you can't do anything about it. You can't make them want it too and you can't make them host. It is sad though.

Tiredbarbie · 08/12/2024 21:24

Nobody seems to have read that the OP has said they would be happy to host everyone but their parents want to stay in their own house so refused! It does seem sad yes as our kids love getting together with all their cousins at Christmas and I’d want to see my own siblings. However, we rarely do this on actual Christmas Day with everyone having different plans. Could you perhaps host something in early December or even January where everyone comes to you and you have the big family celebration you have in mind?

ChristmasinQueensland · 08/12/2024 21:23

You can't make people do what they don't want to, though. At least you get your parents for Christmas every other year. My MIL would love nothing more than all kids and grandkids together but since one sibling relocated abroad, it happens once in a blue moon. Maybe your parents will be persuaded to come to you in time when hosting gets too much.

Mum2jenny · 08/12/2024 21:20

6 adults, 4 young children and 2 dogs in a 2 bed terrace house is my idea of hell, particularly if everyone stays overnight.

Frowningprovidence · 08/12/2024 21:19

I can understand wanting to all be together. But if your parents dont want to host, and won't come to you, it can't happen.

Can you suggest something less intense than them hosting a Christmas dinner, like you all get together to do presents and a game, before you head home. Or turn up after dinner for mince pies and watching a film.

Thursdaygirl · 08/12/2024 21:18

Reluctantnurse · 08/12/2024 21:10

I’ve read more of the comments now and see there is a chorus of stressed people who think a big Christmas is hell. Ignore them is my advice 😂They’re probably the same people who won’t answer the door to a stranger and in an emergency wouldn’t have a single friend or acquaintance to pick their kids up from school.
The big family Christmas is actually less work for you! Unless there are unreasonable expectations from people about being waited on it massively reduces the workload.

I love having people round but don’t like cramming people in and causing everyone discomfort. I am not an introvert, I always answer the door and have a nice circle of friends.

Storynanny1 · 08/12/2024 21:18

Thedishwasherbroke · 08/12/2024 20:38

Trouble is you want something that all the other parties involved (your sibling and parents) don’t want. You can’t make them have some big squashed together Christmas if they don’t want it and they are not obliged to go along with it so you can have a day like on the TV!

Can you not just have a nice Christmas Day with your husband and children and see the rest of the family another time?

As for the notion that when your children are grown up you’re going to welcome half a dozen adults, maybe half a dozen or more kids and teens to all come and squish in and eat a buffet and sit on the floor - you haven’t reached your parents age and stage yet. You may very well find that idea, and all the cooking, cleaning, clearing up and hosting it entails, much less appealing in your sixties and seventies than you do now.

Yes to waiting til you are grandparents ages! I’m always happy to go along with what ever my adult children/stepchildren/grandchildren want to do re coming here/there/everywhere. No set pattern just go with the flow BUT now I’m older, I’m secretly relieved when they decide to make short visits and not all at the same time!
However I’m hoping I’ll not get to the point where I don’t want to host at all.
My adult children are all extremely considerate and would instinctively know if it was all getting too much for me

StarrySquawk · 08/12/2024 21:17

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 08/12/2024 20:21

Trestle tables, garden chairs and twelve people is my idea of a nightmare.

But you do you.

Same, I absolutely hate all being squished in.

lightsandtunnels · 08/12/2024 21:16

I think it's pretty normal to alternate Christmas with DPs and In-laws. My DCs do it with their in-laws and they chat to each other to make sure we all get a chance to get together.

Most of this is your expectation and what you want OP but it doesn't seem to be what everyone else wants. You're going to have to challenge your own expectations here I think. Fair enough too if your parents feel all of you is too much at once. If that's what they feel then you should really honour that even if you don't feel the same.
Perhaps one year you could suggest you all get together somewhere else, rent a big old house somewhere or go away for a few days in a place that is big enough to accommodate you all. If there's no budget for that then wait til summer and have a party in the garden where you can all get together. There is always a compromise to be had and when you have family dynamics and opinions you need to be content and prepared to find a compromise otherwise you'll be feeling disappointed.

Spirallingdownwards · 08/12/2024 21:16

You can host and then you can choose.

dottiedodah · 08/12/2024 21:16

Thing is this is real life,not an Asda,advert! Cooking for 10 sounds hard work. Fine if you can .but pil in their 70s can find it a bit much!

DarkAndTwisties · 08/12/2024 21:15

Reluctantnurse · 08/12/2024 21:10

I’ve read more of the comments now and see there is a chorus of stressed people who think a big Christmas is hell. Ignore them is my advice 😂They’re probably the same people who won’t answer the door to a stranger and in an emergency wouldn’t have a single friend or acquaintance to pick their kids up from school.
The big family Christmas is actually less work for you! Unless there are unreasonable expectations from people about being waited on it massively reduces the workload.

OP can obviously ignore people's views here, but she can't ignore her PIL's views, unless she's planning on turning up uninvited.

FrivolousKitchenRollUse · 08/12/2024 21:12

Reluctantnurse · 08/12/2024 21:10

I’ve read more of the comments now and see there is a chorus of stressed people who think a big Christmas is hell. Ignore them is my advice 😂They’re probably the same people who won’t answer the door to a stranger and in an emergency wouldn’t have a single friend or acquaintance to pick their kids up from school.
The big family Christmas is actually less work for you! Unless there are unreasonable expectations from people about being waited on it massively reduces the workload.

Er, but the OP isn't hosting. She wants others to take on the stress. I'd love a big family Christmas but as no one owns a property big enough to facilitate it then it just can't happen.

Reluctantnurse · 08/12/2024 21:10

I’ve read more of the comments now and see there is a chorus of stressed people who think a big Christmas is hell. Ignore them is my advice 😂They’re probably the same people who won’t answer the door to a stranger and in an emergency wouldn’t have a single friend or acquaintance to pick their kids up from school.
The big family Christmas is actually less work for you! Unless there are unreasonable expectations from people about being waited on it massively reduces the workload.

DarkAndTwisties · 08/12/2024 21:09

Franjipanl8r · 08/12/2024 21:05

MN is full of introverts so you won’t get a lot of support on here I’m afraid. I love a big family Christmas.

Surely even a fervent extrovert understands that you shouldn't force people to host bigger events than they're happy with just to please you?

DarkAndTwisties · 08/12/2024 21:08

Thursdaygirl · 08/12/2024 20:58

Isn’t that what it always is on tv - trestle tables and garden chairs and squeezing up and everyone helping?

Don’t confuse tv with real life. The sardines scenario is my idea of hell

Mine too. Especially if I was the one hosting. I'd find it far too stressful and it would take any and all enjoyment out of Christmas for me.

sprigatito · 08/12/2024 21:05

YANBU to want it. YWBVU to attempt to make it happen when you've been told nobody else wants it.

Franjipanl8r · 08/12/2024 21:05

MN is full of introverts so you won’t get a lot of support on here I’m afraid. I love a big family Christmas.

Reluctantnurse · 08/12/2024 21:05

You’re not unreasonable to feel disappointed that your family doesn’t share the same vision for Christmas as you. When my in laws host Christmas it’s a minimum of ten people. This year it is 16 (15 adults, two kids). They don’t have a massive living area but it’s summer here so we can sit outside as well. It’s good fun and we all make a dish (mostly at home the day before), minimise cleaning as much as possible with paper plates, foil baking trays etc.
Does your sibling never want to spend Christmas with you? If I was you I would host and enjoy the big family Christmas at your house.

Franjipanl8r · 08/12/2024 21:04

If you want the big Christmas can’t you host?

Tiredofallthis101 · 08/12/2024 21:04

I'd just ask your parents to try to be more flexible on either having Christmas at home or having more people. Could you otherwise do a Christmas breakfast all together? Or evening so less pressure for sit down meal?

Thursdaygirl · 08/12/2024 20:58

Isn’t that what it always is on tv - trestle tables and garden chairs and squeezing up and everyone helping?

Don’t confuse tv with real life. The sardines scenario is my idea of hell

BrerRabbit90 · 08/12/2024 20:54

I mean, this is just normal for us ...we'll be 23 on Xmas day (being hosted at ours this year) 😁 and will be 14 on boxing day. Total chaos and such fun!!

Laiste · 08/12/2024 20:52

I for one would certainly would not want to 'have a buffet and sit on the floor' for xmas at my mother in laws!

I know it's not the point of the thread, but as a DIL it's what i've taken from it 😂

My own MIL loves to have everyone round at once (we do it just before xmas rather than on the day) and frankly it's a bloody bun fight. It's a bit of a grin and bare it annual event.

The concept is nice in theory (M + FIL, their 4 adult kids, the 4 spouses and all ..... gotta count them ..... 7 cousins) but the reality is that no one gets to talk to MIL at all much because she's fussing in the kitchen for 5 hours, FIL gets pissed as a fart and put on (a very niche type of) music too loud and everyone leaves with a headache because it's so hot and noisy.

Anyway in answer to the actual question - i echo what others are saying - it's up to your parents really. They've already said they don't want everyone at once haven't they?

mnahmnah · 08/12/2024 20:45

It’s not just about physically fitting in the house though. Too many people to host means noise, more cooking and expense, more tidying. It’s very full on for your parents. But if you hosted, why would they not come to you?