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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

…to be annoyed by the comment ‘you’re not a real mum if you only have one?’

307 replies

notarealmum101 · 08/12/2024 19:30

Need to know if I’m being over-sensitive or if I’m right to be annoyed by a comment made at a recent mums’ night out.

Met up this week with four mum friends - we were all in the same mum and baby yoga class when we were all new first time mums and have kept in touch since, mostly by WhatsApp but we try and catch up a few times a year. Our first kids have all recently turned 4. They have all had at least one more since then, and two of them are pregnant with third babies. I only have one, despite our best efforts (it took us a while to conceive DD and we’re 18 months into trying for a second, and probably going to have to stop soon because age isn’t on our side and we don’t have money for IVF).

During our meal there was a lot of chat about sibling dynamics, pregnancy with a toddler, the challenges of managing the needs of two kids at once etc etc, and also about the activities they’ve been up to together whilst on their overlapping second maternity leaves, all of which is understandable although left me feeling pretty left out.

However, one of them (the one with the youngest second child in the group) made a passing comment which really stuck with me, which was that ‘You aren’t really a proper mum until you have two’. Her point was that if you haven’t had to manage two kids simultaneously and deal with their competing needs and personalities, then you haven’t done the hardest part of parenting and so you’re not a legitimate parent. The others didn’t really seem to disagree with her on this.

I was too caught out in the moment to say anything (and to be honest I already felt pretty isolated by the discussion) but the comment has stuck with me over the past few days and I can’t help but dwell on the idea that this is what everyone thinks and that I’ll never be a proper mum because we’ll only ever have one kid, and it’s really left me feeling low (my period rocking up as scheduled probably hasn’t helped matters). Part of me just want to fade away from the group as I’ll never meet their threshold of being a ‘real’ mum and it’ll only get worse as they all have more kids.

YANBU - it was an insensitive thing to say and you’re right to want to distance yourself

YABU - stop being so sensitive, they’re only being honest

OP posts:
Jumell · 09/12/2024 17:42

What a disgusting comment - pay no heed, OP

Tbh I wouldn’t be giving her the benefit of the doubt either …

ItsVeryComplicated · 09/12/2024 17:40

She sounds like an idiot.

Dinosaurhearmeroar · 09/12/2024 17:37

What a c word. Mum shaming on a whole new level.

Coolasfeck · 09/12/2024 09:12

She’s struggling and misery loves company so she said something shitty to you.

LittleBitAlexisLaLaLaLaLa · 09/12/2024 08:32

jeaux90 · 09/12/2024 08:13

JFC I wish women would stop doing this to each other, there is enough for women and girls to contend with without this BS.

I'm a lone parent with one, does that make me not a real mum?

If she ever says anything like that again, just say you didn't realise being a mum was a competition.

Absolutely. Parenting can be challenging enough as it is without making it a bloody competition.

LittleBitAlexisLaLaLaLaLa · 09/12/2024 08:30

She sounds like a smug bellend and it’s disappointing that no one else outwardly disagreed with her. I don’t blame you for thinking about distancing yourself from these people.

jeaux90 · 09/12/2024 08:13

JFC I wish women would stop doing this to each other, there is enough for women and girls to contend with without this BS.

I'm a lone parent with one, does that make me not a real mum?

If she ever says anything like that again, just say you didn't realise being a mum was a competition.

Hollowvoice · 09/12/2024 08:08

GreyCarpet · 08/12/2024 19:37

Oh, dear.

I have 2 but one of them was a c section.

I wonder if I'm a real mum... .. .

So confusing!

OP, she's a moron.

Show quote history

Snap
Let's start the Imaginary Mums Club!

MrsToothyBitch · 09/12/2024 07:42

Cruel, insensitive and needless comment. Thoughtless at best- and tactless regardless. If the comment maker has any awareness of your struggles, she's an utter bitch to boot.

I'm an only. Not for lack of trying, I'm just the only one that stuck. This comment would be so hurtful and disrespectful to my mother.

fairytailcat · 09/12/2024 07:36

It was a really insensitive and thoughtless comment

WaveChaser · 09/12/2024 07:24

I think that comment was quite cruel, you're a real Mum.

I have a fair few children and they're older now and looking back on baby/toddler/younger years Mums seemed so competitive and absorbed over views like that. And how you birthed, what you fed etc etc...it was very boring and tiresome. Glad mine are older now and I'm out of that mindset (although not all Mums were like that, just a niche).

Copperoliverbear · 09/12/2024 00:28

Out of order and tell her she is wrong and insensitive.

ThisTeaIsBad · 08/12/2024 23:04

As a mum of three, that's absolute rubbish! Of course you are a mum. If you have a child you are a mum. If you had a child and sadly lost them you would still be a mum. If you take on a child you didn't give birth to and love them, you are a mum.

VestaTilley · 08/12/2024 22:53

YANBU. People like that can get in the bin, frankly.

I have one DC. I had PND, a tough pregnancy, anxiety, a terrible birth, minimal family support and an unhelpful to put it mildly DH. It has taken me years to get over becoming a mother. Anyone who thinks it’s not hard until you have more than one child can take a running jump.

mowthegrass · 08/12/2024 21:57

My mum, who had two daughters, was told by a neighbour that she wasn’t a proper mum because she’d never had a son!

NiftyKoala · 08/12/2024 21:52

I take so much offense to this. Some of the best mums and dads I know don't even have children. How ridiculous to say you only have one you're not a real mum. I only have one too and I am definitely a real mum. Just like you.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 08/12/2024 21:45

MrsSunshine2b · 08/12/2024 21:18

What a cheeky fucker. I'd have said, "Can I just borrow your car keys, I fancy taking it for a spin. Why not? Are you an only child?"

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I'll remember that! 😄

x2boys · 08/12/2024 21:45

If you have given birth to a child or adopted a child you're mum wether that's ten children or one

tortiecat · 08/12/2024 21:45

I'm so sorry OP. Of course you are a proper Mum. Absolutely. What a douchey thing to say. Don't let this woman get you down.

Katemax82 · 08/12/2024 21:40

I'm sorry I clicked yabu by mistake...of course they are full of shit..you are just as much of a mum as anyone!! Ignore them

Cafecontribution · 08/12/2024 21:39

She’s a dick op. Find new friends.

Mill3nnial · 08/12/2024 21:38

YANBU

AffableApple · 08/12/2024 21:37

Nobody thinks that.

She was just trying to bond with the other mums over the changes in their lives. And she twattishly forgot that wasn't your situation, and also didn't think how her poor choice of words would make you feel.

I'd tell her how you feel about what she said, if I were you; or you'll feel you can't hang out with them again, as you'll still be smarting from her silly comments.

But if you feel this isn't a one-off incident, these might just not be the friends for you anymore. (Surely one of them must've thought: "Hey, hang on a sec, @notarealmum101;that's not quite what we meant to say. Our bad.")

I hope however that if/when you speak to her, she'll be mortified. And rightly so.

endingintiers · 08/12/2024 21:35

Mum of 3 here - I was no less of a mum when I parented just one for 10 years.

Yes I’ve had different challenges with multiple kids, but I was still a parent with one.

Clearly having more kids hasn’t helped your friend learn some sensitivity.

Raindropskeepfallinonmyhead · 08/12/2024 21:33

Stupid woman -what a terrible thing to say

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