DP just called DD ungrateful - I’m fuming!

🙄🫣 this is not on your poor daughter.
Rash?
About getting a leech out of the house?

This is about being a decent adult and parent and keeping your daughter safe in her home.
You are committing adultrification of your daughter in this.
Her view of this is no longer required and should not be sought.

She is a child whose home has been invaded by a total loser that her mother thought was a good idea to give him rights over, despite him living off her and not contributing.
Could it be more wrong?.
Your poor child.
Do not burden her with the responsibility of her mothers relationship.
So wrong.

Agreed, he behaved like a leech while he lived off you, a single mother, and gave you the ick because of his bad behaviour, refused to move out at first when you asked him to (lack of respect). Now he doesn't want the relationship to end and you aren't sure what to do. C'mon OP. What are your standards? Obviously it's your call but why would your daughter's slight lack of reaction have any impact on your decision.

Why are you making this about your DD? It sounds like he’s a dick in general and freeloading off you, he made ONE comment about DD that maybe opened the can of worms but surely that one comment isn’t the reason you ended the relationship?!

I think it’s important you tell DD that this isn’t about her/because of one comment, she shouldn’t have to feel like that and equally teens do not dictate who you choose as a partner.

I think dds initial reaction is the real one and I agree with pp that she might be trying to be noncommittal as she is blaming herself for the break up of your relationship. Don’t push conversations but when the opportunity arises let her know that she wasn’t to blame, there were plenty of other issues between you that had nothing to do with her.

Not rash. Re-read your posts, he was mooching off you and bringing nothing of value. I’m pleased he’s gone. Don’t let your dd reaction (or lack of) influence your decision, she can’t be expected to say one way or the other in case it’s her “fault”. But I bet she is pleased.

Not too rash at all. He was bang of order and leeching on you.

Your daughter feels indifferent and that’s okay. Alternatively she might feel guilty/responsible about how it went South (she shouldn’t!) so I wouldn’t openly discuss this with her moving forward. It’s not her responsibility, please don’t let her hear you backtrack.

Enjoy your fresh start OP.

Has he moved out? I would change the locks if LL gives go ahead.

I was like this when my SD moved out. My mum decided she had been too rash because of my reaction and allowed him back.
What she didn't know was he was physically abusive. He just hid it well and I now have CPTSD. This isn't to say that's the case now, just know that her reaction isn't necessarily her true feelings on the matter.

You are definitley not being too rash... The dopamine/rush of seeing through what you wanted is leaving you; and now you are questioning your decision.
It had to be right for your daughter but also YOU! Isnt it funny how we as women put our needs on the backburner?
Be there for any niggling questions she may have (In case she feels it was her fault) and also be there for you. Im pretty sure that on some level you love this man. We have one life; lets do right by ourselves.
Wishing you all the luck and grace especially during this time of year.

That’s an encouraging update

DD was initially pleasantly surprised that he was leaving but tbh hasn’t really said it was a good thing or not? I have tried to ask her about it but she just said it didn’t really bother her either way?!

She may not want to feel ‘responsible’ for your relationship breaking up and tbf she isn’t, he is. You weren’t too rash, you can do better for you, it sounded like you did everything and he snarked from the sidelines. Find someone who is fun to be with.

I'd say your daughter doesn't want to be the reason you're unhappy so is being very careful not to show she's happy that he's gone.

You've done the right thing, you've put your child first. Don't cock it up now.

Not too rash at all.
Expect some guilt from her is she thinks it's her fault your relationship with him has changed. You have to reassure her and perhaps just leave it at the fact he's leaving/left/gone forever.

And I've just seen we've got reactions to click on!

Yes I do think that.

Children don't need to cause hell, their agents shouldn't put them in that position in the first place. My DD comes first always, I decided to have her so her needs are paramount until she is old enough to live independently.

Would I have liked to have had other children, sure but the actual child I have and her needs come first. She's a teen now, and would be perfectly happy if I dated someone, as long as they didn't move into her space and that is completely reasonable.

Women can have a relationship after the child is grown, having children doesn't stop your life progressing forever but you make an 18 year promise to put your child's needs above your own the moment you bring them into the world and take responsibility for them.

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon No, a person's first responsibility is to their spouse, the person they chose (in a Western companionate marriage) to spend their life with and invest their future with. So if necessary you move area and school for better jobs, work-life balance etc. You do not hedge in your life chances because your children may not like the new area, new school etc.
Children cannot come first because they are not providing the economic basis for their survival.
Of course, one loves one's children and wants the best for them, but a miserable, lonely mother who won't find a new love interest because her children make life hell if she does, is neither a good role model nor the provider of a happy home.
@HPandthelastwish So a woman (and it is normally women) should give up having and providing a happy home life, a fulfilled life for herself because of her children - who will leave home and live their own lives leaving you on your own - don't like her having a new relationships? Because a relationship has failed she should have no second chance to be happy? What miserable advice.

And what happens if you would like more children? Do it solo?

I actually agree with this.

In this instance the partner was a dick for other reasons so it’s irrelevant but you shouldn’t not be with a partner just because your teenager “doesn’t really care for him”.

Teens don’t really care for a lot of things!

@Grammarnut I don't envy your children.

@Grammarnut

That is such bad advice !

A parent's first responsibility is to their child / children.

@Grammarnut what an awful attitude.

You decide to have children.

You should decide to put them first and keep their home for them because they have no other choice and if that means remaining single or having a partner but living separately then so be it that is the sacrifice you make.

Once the child is old enough to move out and live independently, then you move the partner in if you want and the adult child can make their own choice.

You don't move who you like in and then they have to like it or lump it, as the parent that brought them into the world it's just another sacrifice you make as a parent. An awful lot of issues would be solved on this board if people didn't attempt to blend families and were together but apart.

If you choose your partner based on who your DC are willing to accept you will have no partner. Teenagers especially will cause trouble, not 'like' a new partner because they are selfish in the sense that they want their parent to themselves. Choose a partner on what you like, taking time to get to know them, and introduce them as a fait accompli to the DC - they don't have a choice in who you live with, they accommodate you, not you them.

It's not this simple; she could give notice, the landlord could raise the rent a lot, or she just would not want to be part of the hassle and start fresh with a new non-drama tenant.

The best and only solution is to ask him to be removed from the tenancy agreement. Play the card: You must now pay 50% of all costs for the house. But if he has nowhere to go, what do you expect to happen? It'll be dragged out.

Yeah you’re probably right, someone like that can’t possibly be a real psychologist but what a weird thing to make up

She was a fantasist and not a psychologist

It’s a shame @AnnieCookWriter 2nd post has been deleted, I think it was very useful for people to read what a family psychologist would write in a public forum when someone disagreed with them.

I’ve often urged people to seek counselling when they are struggling with their feelings on a subject but I’m not sure I ever will suggest that again. It’s disturbing when the mask slips.

I'm not condoning what he said but I assume he meant that she was complaining about the way her PJs were washed and she was ungrateful for her washing being done for her. Still not his place to comment.