To take DD's phone away

You need to really start talking to her about online safety. Not just a one off chat. We talk about this kind of stuff all the time. How to stay safe online, how restrictions are important, how safety is more important than number of followers. How when she’s ready to have social media, she must connect with you as a condition of being allowed.

But you really do need to educate yourself before handing over the internet to your child. It’s not just about screen time restrictions - it’s about adult content, restrictions on your router, setting it up so you have to approve apps being downloaded via your own phone. You’re not the only one to be a bit naive about these things but it’s not too late to start doing something about it. It’s not hard, you just need to do some research.

this man and many like him are why I monitor and control my children's mobile phone and social media access. If they are not old enough for the app, they don't have it. And even then, 'I want it' is not a good enough reason. They know while I pay their bill and provide their phone, we are allowed access to it. We tend to only do this when there are behavioural concerns.

Your ex is a muppet. But he probably enjoys watching young women prancing around on SM. Perhaps show him the above link and ask him what he thinks now?

Social media is becoming a real problem in our youngsters lives. We cannot fully avoid it so we have to give them the skills to navigate it instead.

Limit times the devices can be used - not overnight. You can limit the amount of time they spend on specific apps and make sure they are all set up with her real date of birth. Make sure you are friends with her so you can monitor what she is posting and talk about things which might be inappropriate.

My youngest do not have TikTok, Snapchat etc because a) they are not old enough and b) I don't think the companies have yet out enough safeguards in against inappropriate use. Has this affected their peer interactions? Yes. Of course it has. But I encourage them to be their own person and not follow others blindly. When one of them is already sharing about the '16yo boyfriend she met on TikTok' and they are 12, I know I am making the right decision for my kids. I have had to be strong with my mum friends though who think I'm unfair. Funnily, my oldest friends completely understand where I am coming from. Even the ones who don't have kids.

If you read again you will see I do indeed mention the father.

He isn’t the one posting on here though, so people aren’t going to level their responses to him.

Yes, I think the girl is poorly behaved, dishonest and deceitful. However the situation in which she has been able to be so has been caused entirely by her parents.

Of course the child was in the wrong to break the rules but stealing money or locking a TV down is completely different.
Stealing money, whilst not good, would not cause any direct harm to the child or the mom, just a short sharp bollocking if they got caught. Most 12 year olds don’t have a TV in their bedrooms and even if they did, they wouldn’t be allowed to watch after hours etc
Giving them unfettered access to something that they can’t even legally access at that age is more similar to telling your child where you keep the booze, telling them they are allowed to have some of it but not too much and expecting them to control any impulses around it.

@Prettydisgustingactually mostly because kids are daft , impulsive , easily led and don't like being left out/ want to be part of the in thing. Of course she should have consequences, however that doesn't mean she doesn't also need parenting and protection, especially if one parent is completely useless.

There are many dangers to having the internet freely at your fingertips, and if something bad happens, consequences AFTER are a cold comfort.

Download ourpact it’s £6 a month and the best parental control you can use it’s very user friendly to if you are not good with tech. You connect the phone to a pc or laptop first and it runs in the background on the device itself ( similar to when scammers gain control of your device remotely)

"I'm not good with technology" is a pathetic excuse. Just learn, it's not hard.

Your negligence has exposed your daughter to grooming and perverts. All because you were too lazy to learn simple things.

Take the phone away for a while.

Learn about how to keep your child safe online, learn about restrictions, put proper controls in, make sure she can't download apps without permission etc.

Have calm and reasonable chats with her about why this is. That it's about her safety and because you care. Talk to her about online safety and proper tech use. What to do if anything goes wrong.

Then give her back the phone with the understanding that you can access whenever you want, you will be checking it, and if she has a lock code you need to know it at all times.

Her father thinks it’s all ok so OP has no support from him. Why is e everyone bashing the OP? Why does no one think the child was in the wrong? It’s like saying ‘lock your purse away in case she takes your money. Put controls on the TV in case she watches something inappropriate’ This is what is wrong with kids these days. They are specifically TOLD not to do something yet the only way parents can stop them is by locking everything down. In reality she should have respected what she was told. She should now totally lose the privilege of having a phone.

-Delete all the social media apps.
She is 12/13 she is not old enough to have them.

• Please take some accountability.

I think saying "I'm not very good at technology is negligent" in 2024. Online safety is a staple part of parenting- there is lots of info about it online.
If you call your borough children's social services and ask for signposting to education on online safety/
Online grooming and exploitation this would be a more responsible stance.

Yes, take the phone off her for a period of time. Then return it with heavy duty restrictions in place on the phone.

”I’m not very good with technology” is a piss poor excuse for not setting up the correct parental controls. Between you and her father, there has been a complete failure to protect and safeguard your child.

Buy qustodio or similar software. Install it on her phone. Use Google family link to set time limits when she can use her phone. Lock it down at 7pm. Phone charges downstairs overnight. Limit the number of hours she can go on each day. Shut down her social media accounts and use qustodio or similar to block them from the phone. Set limits so she can't download apps that are 13+ without asking permission from you as the parent first. Check her phone every week (or every night if you are worried about what she's on up to). This is a condition of her having the phone and she should be aware. That's all just basic common sense with young teens and phones.

Yes you should take the phone away. I’m guessing you are paying for it. Yes ok, you didn’t set up parental controls, but she went against everything you told her, which proves she cannot be trusted. I don’t understand why you should take all the blame when she has specifically broken your rules. She is 12 not 8 and should be able to follow rules. Tell her she can have it back when she’s 13 and has learned to listen to instructions.

I work in school, and if is absolutely terrifying how naive kids are. She has put herself in danger and shown everyone which school she is at if she’s public. Dad needs to wake up to the dangers. Don’t let her play you off against him. She’s being rude and disrespectful.

Maybe put it in a lockbox overnight from bedtime and she only gets it back when she’s dressed and ready for school. 12 is so young to be doing this sort of stuff.

Another marker I would put down with your DD is that as her mother you will make your own decisions and that what her peers are allowed to do is irrelevant as far as you are concerned. This will set you up well if she tells you her friends' phones do not have parental controls, for example. It sounds as though her dad may also need to understand how online grooming happens. Telling a 12-year old is 'hot' is repellant.

Ask your ex if he is okay with men his age perving on his daughter.

My old landlady's daughter did similar, however her elder brother noticed and went ballistic. Along with his girlfriend, they explained to her in words of one syllable who could be watching and sharing her posts. She had no idea of the danger or the risk to herself... her phone was confiscated and she was only allowed to use it with an adult in the room.

Okay, first of all - it might be normal for other parents to not read their kids phones and have access, but its not safe. You can fix this now. There's loads of advice online about setting up parental.controls so you can see everything she does. Have a read up and don't give the phone back until you've figured out what the rules are moving forward and let her know

She’s not even 13, only 12! Disgusting 🤢

Set up parental controls, that’s what they’re there for.

Yes, you should take it away - and don't give it back until you've set up parental controls. This is your fault.

Have a look at CEOP for some advice and send the link to your ex.
https://www.ceopeducation.co.uk/parents/Listing/?cat=86&ref=4765&keyWord=

Why don't you have controls on the phone? Why does she have the phone when she's getting ready?