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Original poster

To be feeling incredibly sad about not having a cohesive friendship group/wider circle of friends?

106 replies

FairTurtle · 08/12/2024 14:48

I am feeling so utterly miserable about my social life and situation. Sorry for the vent.

I feel bad saying this. I do have friends - two close ones from university, and one really close one from elsewhere. A few others from here and there. I'm always able to make plans/see someone for a drink/go to the theatre/have dinner with someone etc. With the two uni friends, we socialise much more casually too, and hang out all day at someone's house, for example.

However, I was a bit shy at university and going through some personal stuff. Entirely my fault. But I didn't make as much effort to socialise broadly and haven't ended up with a large group of friends/wider network of people I'm in touch with. I'm in my 30s now and most people I meet seem to have a handful of close friends, but often they're part of a larger group and a wider social network of friends and acquaintances. Besides my two university friends, most of the other friends I have are just from here and there, and are individual friendships. I know I could host parties etc and get people together, which I have done in the past, but I don't necessarily think they'd all gel, and in any case it's just not the same as that feeling of affection that comes from the shared history large friendship groups have due to spending a lot of time in the same place.

I make a lot of effort to keep in touch with the friends I do have, but still feel incredibly lonely sometimes. It would be so lovely to have a larger group of friends, walk into a room with several people I know well, and be invited to more things, and just have that extended network of "friends of friends" and lots of people around.

Obviously I'm going to keep making efforts to socialise and say yes to things, maybe join a book club etc, but realistically I just don't see how I will be able to create that friendship group for myself from scratch. I don't have a partner and that feels like something I also want to change, but honestly the friendship thing is getting me down more right now. One of my close university friends, who is absolutely lovely, has such a wide circle of people she's in touch with from university and elsewhere, and her lifestyle is just filled with people and activities and stories. I feel so jealous and my life feels so small in comparison. But I don't actually feel like less of a sociable person, or less interesting, or less fun/likeable than her! It's all down to choices I made. University is typically the time you build these kind of friendships and networks that you're connected with long after, and I didn't utilise the time well in that regard, having come away with only two close friends and no acquaintances.

Not sure what I'm looking for really. Advice? Commiseration? Similar experiences? Positive stories of establishing close friendship groups later in life? Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Original poster
FairTurtle · 08/12/2024 15:21

I also don't necessarily always feel as connected and like-minded as I could to the friends I do have. I think that's probably normal - you won't share a similar worldview to everyone you meet - but perhaps I'm also craving a different type of conversation, maybe more of a meeting of minds and similar interests etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
FairTurtle · 08/12/2024 15:17

villagecrafts · 08/12/2024 15:08

It sounds to me like you have a lot going for you friendship-wise already:

'I do have friends - two close ones from university, and one really close one from elsewhere. A few others from here and there. I'm always able to make plans/see someone for a drink/go to the theatre/have dinner with someone etc. With the two uni friends, we socialise much more casually too, and hang out all day at someone's house, for example.'

That really is a more active friendship situation than many, if not most, people have.

I can't help wondering if what you are really pining for is a sense of belonging?

Thank you for your comment. I absolutely agree I probably have a better social situation than many people. It's a blessing to have any close friends at all, let alone three. But it just feels...small? I rarely hang out with more than one person at a time!

OP posts:
guineapigthyme · 08/12/2024 15:10

No real advice, but I'm in the same situation! Like you, I think some of it goes back to being really shy in university and not making the most of it from a social perspective. If I had the opportunity to be in a university environment now that I'm older and more well-adjusted, I think I could give it a much better attempt.

I also hear what you're saying about feeling bad when comparing your social life to other people's. It feels particularly sad when looking at old friendship groups who have moved on without me, though I know it's my own doing, and friendships generally fizzle out for a reason.

I wonder if the answer is finding some sort of group/regular event to attend, so you see the same people on a regular basis, and will eventually (hopefully) form some sort of wider friendship group - bonus points if a lot of the people there have come alone and are hoping to form friendships too. Something like a book club that's just getting off the ground?

villagecrafts · 08/12/2024 15:08

It sounds to me like you have a lot going for you friendship-wise already:

'I do have friends - two close ones from university, and one really close one from elsewhere. A few others from here and there. I'm always able to make plans/see someone for a drink/go to the theatre/have dinner with someone etc. With the two uni friends, we socialise much more casually too, and hang out all day at someone's house, for example.'

That really is a more active friendship situation than many, if not most, people have.

I can't help wondering if what you are really pining for is a sense of belonging?

KimberleyClark · 08/12/2024 15:02

scoutingfortwirls · 08/12/2024 14:55

Don't feel bad about it, they're not all they cracked up to be. You're probably better off not having one.

I agree, from what I have read on Mumsnet they are full of drama and failings out about trivial things.

scoutingfortwirls · 08/12/2024 14:55

Don't feel bad about it, they're not all they cracked up to be. You're probably better off not having one.