To be feeling incredibly sad about not having a cohesive friendship group/wider circle of friends?

Yes group things are nice. Its harder now my friend is juggling elder parents. Harder to get people free. They a solid group they great. I found people flaky since covid though

"One issue with trying to get a group of 4 or 5 out together is it becomes a nightmare trying to get a date that suits everyone."

It depends on the type of friends. If you are a group of single and childless people then you'll have quite a lot of availability. In my wa group, there are people who are sometimes away for the weekend or have a concert booked, but most of us are free at least either Friday or Saturday night most weekends.

And of course, we don't all always go. We have a group of about 7 or 8 and you only need 1 or 2 people to be free.

Other people don't make friends as 'backups' either, but they often have other casual friends/acquaintances in a slightly wider circle, which happens naturally if you socialise as a group.

"very happy to have 2/3 close friends."

Until one of them moves or becomes otherwise unavailable...

I also think if you are early thirties and you would like to have a relationship, then now is a good time to think which groups or MeetUp socials or speed dating events would work for you. I do recognise the problem that if you have lots of individual friends, then it's ok to go for coffee individually but you aren't going to then organically meet people and make the kind of connections you'd like either romantically or with friends either. I think you have to be a bit more intentional about it- so my friends have done well joining things like running club, rowing club, walking club, less men in choirs but lots of friends. Things which have both a hobby and a social element (sailing). My worry with a book club is it's lovely to cement friendships in that group, but if you are looking for a partner, you may want a wider group with more dynamism in it.

I think the workplace used to provide a lot of this friendship and opportunity to meet partners, less so since working from home/hybrid came in and less when you start to enter your thirties and others settle down- so you are right that things probably could do with a shake up on that front.

Op it does sound like you want a community around you. So either join a sports club or some sort of social club, drama, music, dance, photography language class, even a church, whatever is available locally that you are interested in would help you expand your social circles.

One issue with trying to get a group of 4 or 5 out together is it becomes a nightmare trying to get a date that suits everyone.
So if your looking for a group it needs to be a existing group of people.

I have sometimes been part of bigger groups, but they haven't lasted a hugely long time, I mean a few years in a particular place or context but my more enduring friendships are all more one to one. Once many of my friends settled down and had children and moved to different locations, the opportunities to do group stuff has been very limited, I have had a few old friend group get togethers, but that's every few years, not of the intensity of university or early twenties life. I also meet up with mums who I've known for years, but again, this is once every few months, we find finding times everyone can do is quite hard.

I do think there's a bit of idealisation going on here by you- hardly anyone has come on and said they have big groups they socialise with for years, I'm not saying it can't happen, but I'm not sure it's the norm.

It sounds like what you are missing a bit is either a community (so like church, a MeetUp group who have a shared hobby or a social one) or day to day friends who might be around on weekends/evenings a bit more than your current friendships- and those are both things that can be achieved more easily than this 'group' which I'm not sure many people have in reality (except at university or early twenties with work).

are you really “incredibly miserable”, so jealous” and feel your life is “so small”

because despite having lots of close friends and socialising lots…. it’s not a group of friends?

What do you do for your birthday? why not book a restaurant and invite a few of them?

Added to which, in your thirties? i imagine number are settling down with partners and children

I'm early 40s and have been trying to do lots of stuff. 30s is a good - great - age to get out meeting people. Especially to develop interests in hobbies. My latest thing is Toastmasters. Exercise classes are good. Always follow up people you meet etc. Have a networking mindset.

If you are open to being friends with people of different ages and different nationalities I think this opens doors.

I have a friend who never went to Uni, left school at 16, her husband died and has become a single parent, but has an enormous network now of friends of all ages and backgrounds.

Totally agree. I have just removed myself from a wider friendship group as I could not tolerate the queen bee taking the p*ss and everyone ignoring it. I see the friends individually now.

I think I know where you’re coming from
OP. I sometimes crave being part of a good size friendship group where you can enjoy fun activities together. I have wonderful 1-1 friendships, but feel there’s a limit to the range of activities we can do together. I have friends who go on girls weekend and annual holidays together with old school mates. And then they get to celebrate milestone birthdays as a big group with back to back parties and celebrations. But as previous posters have said social media makes us feel that this is what friendship looks like , so naturally you end up feeling like you’re missing out.
I’m not sure what the answer is, but as others have suggested it might be worth trying to find a group with similar interests to you or even organised socials in your local area through meetup.com
Thanks for posting OP, it helps to know that others feel like this too.. it’s something I’ve been mulling over for a long time.

Perhaps for some. Personally I don’t make friends to act as back ups should better friends decide to move. I prefer 1:1 and very happy to have 2/3 close friends.

This. It’s hard to read that you are ‘utterly miserable about your social life and situation’, and then to read about how many friends you have.

I don’t have any friends! Be grateful for what you have

Large interconnected friend groups like you see on Friends on Big Bang is a tv trope. Occasionally you’ll be in a group that’s usually connected by something situational - like all being at university - and the bonds dissolve quickly once the factor that brought people together changes (or those that were placeholding move on to deeper friendships elsewhere).

Even people who have a good few friends are like the sun in a solar system. If you have unchanging, regular hobbies, and a job with low staff turnover, you might have a better chance. But what you see on tv is not the norm.

I think you misunderstand me. I suppose that my point is that if you want a small, but good, group of friends that group should ideally be more than two or three friends because if one of those people move you can be left really, really lonely so a wider group of acquaintances is necessary just to keep that small number.

Lots of groups exist for this kind of thing. Where are you located?

Not everyone likes those things and not everyone will make friends through those things. A meetup group focused on socialising in the best for me. Volunteering, for example, brings you into contact with people but is no more likely to help you make friends than working is.

Social media can make us feel like that, but having a big social circle takes a lot of effort and commitment, can be exhausting and can come with a LOT of drama! If you have a small circle and people to hang out with that's great. You can widen it slowly by asking your friends to include you in things with other friends, joining specialist groups related to your hobbies and, as you've said, by planning and hosting get together

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OP you're doing better than myself as I don't speak to anyone from uni, or high school days.

You win hands down in the "I have masses of friends " competition.

I know what you mean OP. It's more fun I find in a group as you bounce off each other and you don't have to carry the conversation so much.

I don't really have a big group of friends but I do have a couple of small groups that I see regularly and one of them meets up every few months for a social event. It's much livelier than 1-1 situations. But like you both individuals in these groups have oher groups they're also a part of that make me feel a bit lonely sometimes.

I think it's easiest to find activities where there's already a group: book clubs, rock choir, sailing, park run etc. Then become the organiser. Start with suggesting a coffee after the event, then if/when that bonds try and organise a social event : theatre trip, lunch out etc. Not all groups will bond but it's the easiest way to find a group.