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Original poster

To feel hurt by MIL's condescending comments

339 replies

MumofMiniDivas · 08/12/2024 13:32

My husband comes from a much wealthier background than I do. His family takes five holidays a year, went to private schools, and bought each kid a large London property when they turned 25. I went to grammar school, had 1–2 holidays a year, and while my parents helped with a deposit, they didn’t buy me a house outright (and yes I am aware that this is actually quite a privileged position, I am by no means poor but just explaining the contrast).

DH works for the family business, which his mum technically owns but doesn’t really run anymore—she’s basically retired, travels a lot, and leaves it to DH and his siblings. His sisters help out part-time when it suits them (since they’re looking after young kids), but DH and his brother run it full-time.

He’s super careful about what he says to his mum—she’s “always right,” and he avoids any conflict with her. Apparently, that’s just how it’s always been. Part of me thinks it’s also because they’re all a bit financially dependent on her. If she ever cut them out of the will or the business, their lifestyle would take a big hit.

I work part-time and take care of our daughters, who are 4 and 1, and I’m pregnant with our son. Even if I worked full-time, what I’d earn wouldn’t compare to what DH makes or receives from his family. He covers all the main expenses, and my salary is just for personal things like clothes, dinners with friends, or trips to the hairdresser. At home, DH is lovely: he’s hands-on with the kids, helps with chores, and is super thoughtful when it’s just us.

The issue is his mum. She makes comments that aren’t directly rude but feel like digs. For example, she buys our daughters designer clothes and says things like, “Girls should always dress in expensive clothes—it sets the tone for their self-worth and taste,” while I’m standing there in my Zara jumper.

At a family gathering, when people joked about my daughter becoming a vet because she loves animals, MIL said, “That’s such a messy job. Do women even enjoy working? It’s just something you do for money. She’ll have everything she needs—no need to work, especially not a messy job.”

She can also be condescending. When she was talking about her travel plans, she mentioned going to a fancy restaurant with my SIL and added, “I suppose you’ve never been there?” When I said I had, she replied, “Oh, who took you there?”

DH doesn’t really address it, saying it’s just how she is, and bringing it up would cause a big falling out. He tells me to rise above it and not take it personally, but honestly, it’s hard not to when the comments feel so pointed.

OP posts:
Original poster
MumofMiniDivas · 08/12/2024 16:59

MJMJMJMJ · 08/12/2024 16:27

The house and all assets are in MIL name or your DH’s?

Financial incest is abusive and harmful.

In DH it's the house, the car etc which is small in comparison to what is in MIL's name but is actually more than most people earn in a lifetime

OP posts:
MJMJMJMJ · 08/12/2024 16:59

Does your DH or your MIL own the house you live in?

Original poster
MumofMiniDivas · 08/12/2024 16:58

Shinyandnew1 · 08/12/2024 16:27

@MumofMiniDivas did you answer, when you go on family holidays and your MIL and DH travel first class and you are in economy,

  1. where are your children?
  2. where are your husbands sisters?
  3. where are their children?
  4. where are their husbands?

The basic rule seems to be: blood relatives of MIL in business, everyone else (who married into the family) in economy

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 08/12/2024 16:58

Children are with them in business, I sort of ran back and forth to help the kids or they come to me if they want mummy

I wouldn’t be running backwards and forwards at all. Let them sort the kids in business class. I’d be in economy with earplugs in and a very large gin and tonic.

Nina1013 · 08/12/2024 16:57

When you say he was gifted a house, does he actually own the house you live in or do you live in his mother’s house?

Also, you have a husband problem far more than a MIL problem if he’s willing to sit him and the kids in business and leave you in economy - and that’s aside from all the other stuff.

Original poster
MumofMiniDivas · 08/12/2024 16:56

Shinyandnew1 · 08/12/2024 16:19

I don't think she'd be chuffed if she knew that DH pays whenever we go out for dinner as a couple or he pays the vast majority of our family holidays

Did your mother in law pay 50/50 for dinners and family holidays when her husband was alive and her children were smaller?

I'm guessing "no" but it's not like anyone is going to reason with her about this now...

OP posts:
Grmumpy · 08/12/2024 16:55

Wow don’t let you daughter pick up on this. I’d much rather have a daughter or son who was a vet than a big money earner. Your mil sounds nasty. Don’t let her undermine you. I’d be making lots of jokes at her expense but out of her hearing

Original poster
MumofMiniDivas · 08/12/2024 16:54

LOpportunityCestFuckingEnorme · 08/12/2024 16:11

Do you have a relationship with the other people who have married into this shitshow? Your BIL sounds like he's experiencing the same ostracising that you have.

Personally it all sounds like it's going to go horribly wrong when the level of control MIl currently has becomes insufficient for her. When one of her DC gets divorced, or comes to their senses and pushes back, or the grandchildren grow up and point out how bonkers it is, or she gets ill or senile.

Yeah I get on with BIL (married into family, not DH's brother) but I get the vibe that he doesn't want to rock the boat as that would upset SIL. He's a man of few words, we've exchanged some looks at some family occasions when she's said weird things, but he wouldn't openly btch about MIL as SIL is close to her (or appears to be) and it would cause trouble in their marriage I imagine.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 08/12/2024 16:53

Yes: we get it. MIL is a bitch and she isn’t as clever as you. But she dominates you, not you her. So all the hand waving away “I like my zara clothes” etc.. doesn’t change the fact that she orders your dh to refuse to support you, cancel the cleaner, charge you for going on holiday, and treat you like s nanny.

As everyone has said you have a DH problem. You are acting like you “win” a prize marrying this pathetic man. In reality she won by letting baby boy have children with an easily cowed maidservant who can be fired at will.

Read the book “when he’s married to his mother” and read up on toxic/enmeshed families because you are in one.

Original poster
MumofMiniDivas · 08/12/2024 16:51

Shinyandnew1 · 08/12/2024 16:11

often I'll sit in economy whilst they're in business/first

Are you sitting with the children in economy? Is she happy about her grandchildren flying economy? Where are her daughters/daughter in laws/son in laws sitting when you go on family holidays?

Some of this doesn’t add up-she doesn’t think women should pay for things or work, but wants you to do so?

She thinks you should work to pay your way and your husband shouldn’t pay for things for you, but it was fine for her husband to start a business and pay for things for her?

Do her daughters or daughters in law work? Who pays for their clothes and days out? What about her daughter’s husbands?

Are you sitting with the children in economy? Is she happy about her grandchildren flying economy? Where are her daughters/daughter in laws/son in laws sitting when you go on family holidays?
Children are with them in business, I sort of ran back and forth to help the kids or they come to me if they want mummy (the plane crew are never happy about this whole arrangement).
BIL (so my SIL's husband, he has also married into the family) flies in economy with me when he does join, but often, especially when it's a short trip, he doesn't join.
The basic rule it seems is that if you are a blood relative you are in business class, otherwise economy.

Some of this doesn’t add up-she doesn’t think women should pay for things or work, but wants you to do so?
Yes it doesn't make sense. I shouldn't freeload off her son, all women inherently want to not work, some poor women (like me) must work. It makes zero sense!

She thinks you should work to pay your way and your husband shouldn’t pay for things for you, but it was fine for her husband to start a business and pay for things for her?
I guess she sees herself as part of his success because she was looking after his kids, but I've married into it (even though my husband is creating further success by running the business?). This again makes no sense.

Do her daughters or daughters in law work? Who pays for their clothes and days out? What about her daughter’s husbands?
Her daughters don't work, all their clothes are paid for, they have domestic help to make their lives easier. We don't have domestic help because "most women manage household chores" so I can too. She's very big on not spoiling people who married into the family, same with BIL (SIL's husband, not DH's brother).
DH's brother has a gf without kids, so she's not really taken on trips or anything, she works full time, from what I gather they go 50/50 except that she lives in his flat (unsure if she pays rent)

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 08/12/2024 16:48

MumofMiniDivas · 08/12/2024 16:41

Completely agree it makes no sense.

Kind of like - some poor women are forced to work (like me) but the ones who can afford to would choose not to work, but equally no one should free load off her son. Yep, makes no sense.

Show quote history

Her treatment of you is so terrible, I would be worried about your children picking up on this. I can't quite believe that your husband doesn't get angry on your behalf.

You and the children flying in economy while your MIL and DH sit in business/first class is how the upper classes treat their nannys/au pairs. She treats you like a member of staff.

PancakeDreams · 08/12/2024 16:47

The more I see your updates OP, the more it seems like you are venting but also need to think long and hard about your role in this. You chose to have multiple children with this man over the years and live a comfortable and privileged life. You have had financial help from your family and his to live well. You attempt to put on a humble approach by saying you are wearing Zara jumper and saying how you have money to go to the hairdressers and other expenses just for you. This is not the plight of the everyday person.

You are getting caught up talking (babbling) about relationships that don’t concern you (whatever is between your SIL, her husband and MIL, is their business and not your fight - something about silent treatment and taxis).

Then leave. Make your own way into the world with help from no one. Fight for custody for your kids and find somewhere to live that isn’t funded by anyone else but you.

Shinyandnew1 · 08/12/2024 16:47

MIL will pay for SIL's fancy restaurants and take her on shopping trips.

What if SIL wants to buy clothes/go out with friends when their mum isn’t there?

Original poster
MumofMiniDivas · 08/12/2024 16:41

Lemonadeand · 08/12/2024 16:03

I know for a fact MIL thinks I need to pay my way

This makes no sense. She doesn’t think women should work but also thinks you should pay your way?

Completely agree it makes no sense.

Kind of like - some poor women are forced to work (like me) but the ones who can afford to would choose not to work, but equally no one should free load off her son. Yep, makes no sense.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 08/12/2024 16:41

MumofMiniDivas · 08/12/2024 16:26

@pikkumyy77 I do have a house, as mentioned in OP I bought one and my parents helped with a deposit before I met my DH. I rent it out and the rental income goes into my savings. The income from my current job is for my current wants like hairdressers, clothes, seeing friends, coffee, Xmas gifts for my parents etc

Who looks after your children while you work? If you use paid child care, is this a shared cost?

headhonchoponcho · 08/12/2024 16:40

How have the responses on this thread made you feel about yourself? your DH? your MIL?

What options are open to you and what actions would you consider?

Ilovelifeverymuch · 08/12/2024 16:40

EuclidianGeometryFan · 08/12/2024 16:25

OP - you keep posting with more tales of what MIL does, what MIL is like. I understand you need to vent, but are you taking on board any of the advice or questions?

What about your DH?
How did you learn that he was told not to spend money on you?
What is his reaction when MIL is so unkind to you in front of him?

What are you going to do about this?
Two choices: put up with it, or divorce.

You cannot change MIL and you cannot change DH.
All you can do is change your own response.

She's going to continue ignoring posts that call out her DH because she recognizes that he needs to continue to pander to dear mama in order to maintain their lifestyle so she is just here ranting.

pikkumyy77 · 08/12/2024 16:40

MumofMiniDivas · 08/12/2024 16:26

@pikkumyy77 I do have a house, as mentioned in OP I bought one and my parents helped with a deposit before I met my DH. I rent it out and the rental income goes into my savings. The income from my current job is for my current wants like hairdressers, clothes, seeing friends, coffee, Xmas gifts for my parents etc

So I did my phd on family property disputes in a south asian community with a joint family property system. I studied the way in married women, like you, strategized and, frankly, embezzled, to secure money for themselves, their husband’s , and their children. I would advise you and your dh to do the same but I don’t think you are as wise as those peasant farm families.

You don’t seem at all horrified or sickened by your husband’s complaisance at hiding and facilitating his mother’s financial abuse of you—is it because you feel he is also a victim? That he is a prisoner but secretly “on your side” because he sometimes treats you to a meal? He isn’t. He is a shell of a man sho servilely attends her needs regardless of the humiliation she visits on you both.

Have some self respect. If you want to save the marriage and the father of your children that’s fine and good but ultimately letting her shit all over you will destroy you, your marriage, and youf children.

it will destroy you to be married to someone eho treats you like a firty little secret. It will destroy your marriage because you can’t respect this spineless tool bought for a house, designer clothes, and a narcissist’s offer of spa treats. And it will damage you in the eyes of your children who will quickly realize that sucking up to grandma is rewarded while mummy counts for nothing.

Original poster
MumofMiniDivas · 08/12/2024 16:37

@neverhadnooneever father in law built the successful business, ran it for 30+ years, then died. MIL had very little to do with the business except that it was in their joint name. She says this herself.

OP posts:
Original poster
MumofMiniDivas · 08/12/2024 16:36

@Shinyandnew1 my mother in law didn't contribute much to the business, my father in law did.

OP posts:
Original poster
MumofMiniDivas · 08/12/2024 16:34

@Gardendiary I don't think she'd know if it was truly the occasional dinner or to buy a jumper here and there. But I know she'd be annoyed if she saw me with a Chanel handbag (not that I'm after one) or she'd probably catch on if I was out regularly with friends whilst being a SAHM, or if I'd been a SAHM for years and suddenly dyed my hair (ie did something unnecessary, I'm sure in theory I'd be ok to get haircuts at his expense if I was a long term SAHM - this is all guessing as I hadn't been a SAHM that long).

In fact he'd gifted me a nice necklace for a big birthday (comparable in value to some coats my daughter owns) and MIL commented "well that's a treat for you isn't it!!"

OP posts:
XWKD · 08/12/2024 16:33

I had a friend who was a bit like her. She was obsessed with designer bullshit. I used to love winding her up.

I'd say something like "Labels are so common. They're mass-produced tokens of status for the masses. Imagine having someone else's monogram on your clothes! Why would you advertise to everyone that you are wearing factory-made clothes?"

TheMILinatorReturns · 08/12/2024 16:31

MJconfessions · 08/12/2024 16:05

To be honest I don’t think she sounds that bad, I think you need to weigh up the pros and cons here. To a certain extent I do think she sees you as an outsider but what you have posted isn’t particularly concerning. Having it out with her would likely destroy your lifestyle. Her family will certainly close rank, it’s a matriarch. I think you may find benefit in playing the game with her, she seems harmless. Only if it wasn’t harmless would I say to rock the boat.

I would personally see her as a caricature, a stereotype and a source of marvel and humour. I wouldn’t take her too seriously and frankly I’d love to hear her wealthy person observations and tidbits…if only to laugh later. Wanting her grandkids to be dressed in designer clothes only, and to only eat groceries from Waitrose is slightly hilarious.

It’s up to you what you can tolerate though.

Edited

I love how if wealth had not been mentioned at all people would be telling you to stand up to your MIL OP. But because you are all basically dependents on her, the advice is suck it up.

I'm not sure what this will do to your mental health in the long run OP, but as someone else has said, you must have realised what you were getting into if you now have 3 children and one of them is 4 now. Unless you were like the boiling frog and a bit blinkered to it? What happens if he has a affair, or multiple affairs? are you going to have to put up, shut up and grin and bear it because there is no way out for you? It's a serious power imbalance, I could not cope with this. I would not be able to hold my tongue for one, be warned that becomes more difficult when you get older or at least it did for me! Also I know a colleague at work who has a big family estate and she wears Zara to work...although it's known she got her job by nepotism. At least she is a nice person!

pikkumyy77 · 08/12/2024 16:30

Muymit · 08/12/2024 16:20

To be honest it just sounds a bit annoying rather than toxic and I'd be grateful you can have such a pleasant, easy, secure lifestyle for free.
Worth the trade for a few jibes.

You haven’t read the thread.

Original poster
MumofMiniDivas · 08/12/2024 16:28

Shinyandnew1 · 08/12/2024 15:25

Even now, it's been made clear that the money isn't to be spent on me…it was made clear to DH that if I'm not working he's not to pay for any of my clothes / products / give me money for seeing friends

How was it made clear?

Has his mum banned him from giving you money for clothes/products/going out, and he agreed and then told you this?

she mentioned going to a fancy restaurant with my SIL

Who pays for SIL’s fancy restaurant bills/clothes/seeing friends?

Explained above how it was made clear.

It's the same arrangement with all children but the girls are given more so that they could be SAHMs to the extent that they want (and work to the extent that they want). MIL will pay for SIL's fancy restaurants and take her on shopping trips.

OP posts: