To feel hurt by MIL's condescending comments

When people have written here to say how awful they think is your treatment by your MIL, and that it's shocking your husband allows it, you seem to be kind of shrugging your shoulders and implying it's a little unpleasant but not a very big deal to you. But at the same time, YOU are the one who started this thread because you are unhappy enough about the way your MIL treats you, that you want it to change. Your MIL's condescension is making your life unhappy, otherwise you wouldn't have started this thread.

Given this, I think you are really downplaying your husband's role in this situation. HE is the one who is allowing his mother to control his personal spending from his own salary, so that he can't even buy his wife a nice gift (I mean, WTF?????!?!) . HE is the one who is choosing not to stand up for you. HE is the one who is allowing his mother to make his wife unhappy by saying frankly very rude things to/about his wife in his presence. HE is the one who flies business class and leaves his wife in economy. HE is the one who expects his wife to spend her vacations pretending to be a lesser person. HE allows his wife to be treated like a lesser person IN FRONT OF HER OWN CHILDREN. (I would find that last one unforgiveable but that's just me).

Life is short. While your narcissistic MIL is stroking her own ego, you are unhappy. Your husband is making his wife's years unhappy because he is too much of a coward to stand up to his mother, or because he likes his fancy lifestyle more than he loves his wife, or for some other reason.

Your husband's behavior nauseates me.

Clearly she's not a nice person. Jealous her son loves you and is putting you in your place?

However you get what you settle for. Your DH has enough money and you both have enough material stuff ( including homes) to not work for the family. He could find his own job and support his new family.
The fact he chooses not to says a lot.

Her level of snobbery sounds like she's trying to cover up something. Is she from a well-off background? Is she trying to compensate because she feels her own background is "inferior"?

ll be honest i wish i could retire now, especially after being shafted by current/previous employer

I'm in a similar situation but actually I look down on her because she didn't start the business and she couldn't have grown it, she just swanned in after everyone else had done the hard work and was effectively a very overpaid employee doing average employee work, just had a lot more of a say and influence. And now her kids are doing all the tasks and parts of running a business she could never have managed. So I just nod and smile, because yes she's played a good game but she's not actually earned it the way other people have had to, and she's obviously insecure underneath.

Just say ‘OK’ with a smile! Whenever she says anything, ‘I think women shouldn’t work and wear pretty dresses all the time’ - OK! Then ignore or change the subject.

I would leave DH and not just for the holiday but forever.

My DH's mum was never a fan of me. We just never visited much and we didn't lived nearby anyway. I'd say try to distance yourself if you can. Your daughters can visit her but you don't have to.

She just sounds like a typical MIL. Ask DH to put her in her place, what's he afraid of? Other than the will....

I think the answer is to minimise time with mil.
I am struggling with the plane situation for holidays. I certainly would leave the children to be cared for by DH.

This.

If you were a SAHM, with no income at all, would they expect you not to come on their family holidays as you couldn’t buy your economy plane ticket?

I haven’t read all your updates before my first comment but now I’ve read them and I’m really cross on your behalf. Your DH is really letting you down here. Your Mil is total bitch and he is not standing up for you.

Just say “I can’t afford it” snd mean it. You don’t have to go to be his meat shield and the children’s nanny. Stop. Don’t have an argument. Just say “I can’t afford it. Either pay for me as your fucking equal or I stay home.” Let him experience the consequences of this treatment. You aren’t his emotional support monkey.

I would give this lots of time.

I have a difficult Mil who looks down on me. She's now pretty old and suffering dementia, wittering on about blood relatives, etc.

Your DH is nice to you, so yeah, I would suck it up and play "putdown" bingo.

It's a shame he's not objective, so he could join in as it does help to have support in these mental situations. But time fixes most things...

Do you go on holiday with your parents, @MumofMiniDivas ?

Do they treat your husband differently?

This is more than talking to your parents about a single argument. This is about the completely disrespectful way you are treated by your MIL and by your DH because he never ever challenges his mum.

He should feel so guilty about the lovely way your parents treat him and welcome him to their home, in contrast to your treatment by his mum.

The image of your sitting in Economy but having to keep rushing up to first/business class whenever your children need anything, like a paid member of staff, is appalling.

I would find it unforgiveable if I found out that my daughter was being treated like you are by her MIL, and, by his failure to challenge this behaviour, by her DH.

Girls should always dress in expensive clothes—it sets the tone for their self-worth and taste,”

My response: “So true darling - a million dollars in Maxmara - a dime in Zara.”

Oh: look up Boarding School Syndrome. This explains a lot of how infantile snd unassertive your dh is. I see why you pity him too much to abandon him. And why you basically expect nothing from him when he is near his mother.

My line would be to make a joke out of the whole thing. Not take it seriously.

So he's got his own income (albeit from mummy's business) but he's still "told" what to spend it on and "forbidden" to spend on you?
Batshit. What kind of a man is your DH to be ok with this really ??
Sorry but I couldn't live like this or respect a puppet-husband, who wouldn't make a stand or have a higher set of values. Not to mention raising children in such a family - no way. You can do your grey rocking all day long, but if you say and do nothing about this, your children will continue absorbing influence from both your MIL and DH.

This sounds like she enjoys torturing you and watching your DH squirm at the same time.

You must feel like you are losing your mind sometimes when you are treated like a non entity by your MIL and DH in MIL’s company. It is duplicitous of your DH to act like this.

MIL could live to a 100 and you would be in your 70’s and still living under this regime. It is heartbreaking.

What would happen if you and your DH formed a united front and he told her that he wasn't happy with your being treated as a second class citizen in front of your own children?

This.

My parents also really like him, he's always welcome at our family house...I don't see what good it would be to complain to them about DH or MIL. They know I'm not the biggest fan of MIL but not all the details.

Have you never told them or your friends that you have to sit in economy class whilst the rest of the family sit in business?

Your children will start telling people-family, friends, teachers…

You have made your very soft and expensive bed Op and now you must lie in it. I should just shut up enjoy the good bits....or call her out, fall out and accept the drastic drop in lifestyle. You sold your soul when you married him.

Personally I don't think it's a bad problem to have. You are financially very comfortable largely due to her. If I were you I would grin and bear it.

I would get this thread deleted. Imagine it's rather identifying.

Your DH will not rock the boat, so you need to just smile and nod and ignore.