To feel hurt by MIL's condescending comments

I think OP's painted a very clear character sketch here, and the MIL's position is not inconsistent. There's "Us" up here, VIPs, and "Others" down there, the little people of no importance. Us-ness is passed strictly through the bloodline, it can't be acquired.

Little people obviously have to work for whatever they need or want, as they have no inherent worth. One must be very careful not to indulge them, or they'll get ideas above their station and start wanting more. (She might feel it's rather like keeping fierce hounds: you have to keep them healthy & loyal, but you make sure they know who's boss or they could turn on you.)

It's nothing to do with sex, she understands herself as a kind of mini monarch. Her daughters will benefit from her largesse whether they marry billionaires or bin men - and the husbands won't.

OP, without blowing up your entire family situation, it seems the best you can do is sell the Hermes scarves, etc, and bank the proceeds. I'm very glad you have a house of your own; you'll need it if this gets too intolerable!

I'd be so tempted to be passive-aggressive and 'wittily' sarcastic with MIL, just for my own sake. But I reckon DH wouldn't have married a woman like me - he knows how his bread's buttered.

Even if he re-wrote the will to include his wife and children, he can always re-write it again to disinherit them at any time, under pressure of his mummy. Even if he has deigned to care for his wife and children in his will, he is still keeping up the appearance of disinheriting them to his mother. The disrespect, devaluation, and humiliation of OP, is part of the MIL's enjoyment and is also part of how DH is failing his wife.

Further, OP is worse off, financially, than if she had simply married someone of modest means. She is LESS respected, LESS cared for, LESS financially secure, and has LESS access to marital assets than if her husband made the same salary but had no wealthy family in the background. Her husband is getting all the advantage of the marriage, having a loyal and loving wife who has birthed and cared for beautiful children, and who also earns an income. HIs wife is getting all the disadvantage, with a weak husband who doesn't ensure that his wife is cared for, treated respectfully, or given financial security within the marriage.

I just don't understand a man who could do that to his wife. Isn't he embarrassed to look in the mirror?

Even if the husband here is playing the long game that he will outlive his mother and get a huge inheritance, doesn't the very toxicity of this woman tell you that she's going to put it all into restrictive trusts that prevent him using the money except under very specific rules designed to exclude his wife from any benefit?

Did he show it to you and tell you where it is lodged?

So she gifts the goodies but has the last word on what it should be spent on! Some gift.

I'm glad it's not just me! Zara is aspirational for me (it'll probably never happen) yet OP:s making it sound like H&M!

THIS !!

Why does she have to know your every movement. Does he talk to her every day?

THIS!

What she knows or doesn't know about your household financial arrangements is purely something you DH could be sharing with her. If he is then he should know he is putting a noose around your neck for her to pull the handle !

OMG he is a total prick. Does he actually talk to you aout having to act the lackey? Why are you paying for your flight tickets? Can't he even say 'no thank you' and sit with his kids? You say you do go on holiday with them but you don't. You pay to go on holiday with them and get treated like crap while the Man stands by.

OP mentioned money earned but also money given, so presumably this concerns the latter.

Your DH suddenly sounds like a terrible wimp. Can't he even resist expensive holidays with this with contaminating your kids? Why doesn't she need you to baby sit or does she get in a temporary nanny?

I 'third'th' thegreyrick BYTit has to be with a graceful smile on your face. If she can make your DH think any less of you - she will try. I'm sure she did her utmost to disuade him from marrying you since you don't hail from the echelon she respects. Have you or your DH ever talked of starting over away from the family business. Is he a shareholder or just an employee?

Reread what you just wrote and tell me how you have any single shred of respect for your "husband" if he exists?

As I said earlier the more you post the less I believe you.

Blimey, why on earth would you sit in economy? Just say no and no to him taking the children on holiday on his own with that old witch.

I would avoid her at all costs. I would also keep the children away from her. I wouldn't even explain. Your DH can organise cards and presents for her if he wants. I imagine any effort you make will be sneered at.

Start banking whatever money you can and get yourself back to work. That woman is controlling you and she's not to be trusted.

Stop wasting people's time here and selectivley responding only to posts that agree MIL is horrible while ignoring posts that call out the role your weak DH is playing.

Yes, I'm also finding it hard to believe that someone would be happy to have a husband that accepted her being treated like a second class citizen, because he is scared of his mummy. If this is real, your husband thinks his mother's money is more important than his wife being treated with respect, and the fact that he can't, or won't, see why it's wrong speaks volumes.

This is weird beyond imagining. I can see why you keep the peace, but as your children get older it will be very damaging for them to see you treated as a second class citizen.

The sitting on your own in economy is mind boggling. I can’t believe DH hasn’t payed to upgrade you, at least so you can be with the kids. I would refuse to go unless we (you, DH & kids) were sat together, economy would be fine. I’m surprised your 3y old hasn’t already questioned why you were sat somewhere else.

Yes but my suspicion is that she doesn't see op as being cut of the same cloth so to speak. So the expectations there are maybe different. Highly unfair all around.

Also, does your BIL know his wife has disinherited him and their children?

Out of interest, do you have LPA set up for you and your DH? For health and finance, just in case. If your DH dies before MIL you are going to have to fight her for your home and all the things she thinks should be hers - but you also don't want to have a fight over DH in a hospital bed either.

Does he have a company or private pension? Who is named beneficiary? Her or you? Any life assurance? Again, who is the beneficiary?

@MumofMiniDivas she sounds absolutely horrendous to be around! did she even think of making provision for the grandchildren? your hubby needs to grow a pair of balls and tell her behaviour is disgusting at the very least. He, along with his brother and sister, have enabled her for years!!!! they must all get together on this. she wont be able to handle the business on her own! pretty sure her husband must be turning in his grave!

It sounds like she's got a very particular view of women op-men are expected to work and provide and women are expected to marry 'well' and present themselves as suitable daughters/daughters in law.

Except the OP who is expected to work!

It sounds like she's got a very particular view of women op - men are expected to work and provide and women are expected to marry 'well' and present themselves as suitable daughters/daughters in law. Part of me would be tempted to say just laugh her off she'd utterly ridiculous and make sure you do all you can to challenge her nonsense with your dd behind the scenes. But the bit that would worry me is when you're dd is older how that financial manipulation might play out - and the fact your dh isn't really in a position where he feels empowered enough to stand strong against her. I cannot believe he chooses to sit in business class without you. At some point your children will grow up and they'll notice how she treats you and how their daddy allows it. Your dh needs to think very carefully about what he is modeling to your children and how he's allowing your parenting and your role as his wife to be repeatedly undermined. I would guess that since he and the brother run the business together there's a good chance she needs him more than what she would ever let on.

I think realistically there's going to be a level of having to play the game here- but I think it might be a good idea for you and your dh to maybe do some family mediation or counselling together to work out which boundaries are the ones he needs to hold fast on to make this workable long term.

The fact he would have essentially disinherited you and his children is worrying. The fact he actually went along with that put you in an awful position should he have come to harm before being able to make a new will. He's also put you in a position where in the event of his death you'll be faced with her contesting his will because he refused to be direct with her in saying he will not disinherit his wife and children. Those are the core issues that need to be addressed.

Most of the petty comments I could ignore or avoid her as much as possible. The holidays being required and flights paid for by yourself. I wouldn’t go and would say you are too busy working- Dh cannot take children out of the country without your consent so he’s welcome to go on holiday with his horrible mummy on his own! I understand you are playing the long game, but I am not sure I would be willing to pay to play it like you are for those holidays. Maybe find some small ways that she would struggle to argue against where you are too busy to have to deal with her horribleness!