What help did you want in your first week postpartum?

My first birth was quite long and difficult and I ended up with quite a few stitches. I spent the first week either asleep or sitting breastfeeding ds1. My dh's job was to change nappies, hold ds whilst I slept (on the rare occasions he was off the boob) and provide food and drinks. When my mum arrived on day 4 we achieved laundry, shopping and housework and dh got an occadionsl break. MiL visited and brought food.

In retrospect I can't really explain why it needed 3 adults to support 1 small baby but initially it so did.

I don't think you will need any help if your husband is there. He can do shopping, cooking, washing up, laundry. That will still leave hours each day for him to hold the baby etc. It doesn't take more than 2 people to look after one baby. Plus there are a lot of midwife visits which keep you busy and you might want some privacy for that. You will want to feel free to go and sleep without feeling rude, that kind of thing. Personally I welcomed visits of a few hours but wouldn't have wanted anyone staying but maybe if you have a big house it might be more feasible.

You might be more grateful for help once he's back at work, especially if he's out of the house long hours. Although it's important to feel free to go for walks, go to baby groups etc too.

Having said that, if mil is nice and a good cook, it would be a shame to turn that down, I would accept her offer and involve her.

No, your feelings are very intuitive. That’s exactly what sort of feelings can come up, feeling like an apprentice and wanting to figure it out yourself with your DP.

Home cooked, nutritious foods. I batch cooked loads but there’s nothing quite like someone bringing a home cooked meal round. I would have loved someone who did practical stuff like the dishwasher and washing etc. I was happy with the baby bit.

Didn’t need any help. Dh was around for a day or two depending on whether I came home on a week day or weekend. Always found the first weeks the easiest as babies slept most of the time. When I had my third I was up and walking the older one’s to school by day 2 as dh works for himself and needed to work.

First weeks I wanted to be left alone to establish breastfeeding. H accommodated this by fetching me things and keeping me hydrated. That was all I needed really.
He cooked the meals etc.

I'm sure that was great for you but I lost so much blood that I couldn't actually stand up long enough to have a shower in the first week. And I could only wee in the bath.

I realised recently I would have loved people to look after me, so I could look after the baby. My parents and in laws and DH were all excited and focused on looking after the baby, instead of helping to facilitate me looking after the baby. After a difficult birth I couldn't do much, but wanted to. They all bonded with the baby whilst I felt like least important person in the world. Their excitement took over and I was weak from the trauma and couldn't advocate for myself. Think what practical things would help you do what you need to do. In the first days, weeks, year. Cooking, cleaning, driving, meal planning, getting drinks, etc, gifts for you so you feel human, flowers, books, tv, that you like, even just telling you that you are doing great if you need to hear those words. I found it all such a struggle and was so so lonely and miserable whilst everyone else thoroughly enjoyed the newborn phase. Tell them all now what your expectations are and what being looked after means to you.

Someone to tidy up and do all the house stuff, take the baby and let you rest between feeds, bring food shopping, or take baby and let you go for a walk if you want to get out. Or go for a walk with you. It honestly really depends how you feel. I think the best help would be asking you exactly what you want/need.

Sleep

Any help with the washing and tidying possible would be a god send!

Feed me
wash clothes
reassure me that I’m doing ok job with baby and that anything I’m worrying about is normal
feed me
hold baby when I need the loo or shower
feed me

Nothing. Quick visits were fine but I mostly wanted to be left alone to get to grips with breastfeeding and spending time as new parents together as a family.

My mum would stick a washing on, make me a sandwich, run a hoover round the place. Things like that really helped as I actually didn't need help with the baby, it was everything else I couldn't do while I had the baby.

My in laws meant well and kept inviting me out for lunch and offering to pay which came from a good place but I really really didn't want to do that.

It would have been helpful if they came down with some food and then tidies away the plates and cups afterwards.

I think this is so personal.

I didn't want or need anyone other than DH to help. I was happy for the grandparents to come and meet the baby but I really didn't want anyone to come and stay.

I didn't really feel there was much that needed doing that it was helpful for someone else to do:

I did the breastfeeding
DH did the nappy changing and cooking
Our cleaner continued to do the cleaning

In the early days of breastfeeding you take care of the baby's needs and let others take care of your needs. All you should have to think about is getting to know your little one. Not having to think about food or house things was amazing. Knowing that my mum and dad were there to hold baby while I showered or napped was so helpful. ( my dh was there for the first few days but in the days before paternity leave he was called back to work abroad).

My parents came for a few days when my DD was a week old. They did all the practical things like cooking, washing up, laundry, hoovering, making cuppas and going to the supermarket. Mum kept me topped with drinks and snacks and dad mowed the grass. DH and I were in a sleep deprived daze and all we had to do was sit on the sofa with the baby. It was bliss!

Oh and WaggyTailDog try having a tiny prem baby with reflux from having a nasal tube, who can't latch without shields etc and needs to be against your skin to stay warm and maintain energy when feeding. Yes, i had to have my leaky boobs out.

I've 2 kids, 2 c-sections and both exclusively breastfed
I don't really understand this whole obsession with help thing
I also never, ever walked about with my leaky boobs out or sat on the sofa marinating in my own blood
Up, showered, hair and makeup done
I found the newborn days very relaxing

Good for you. My straightforward C section was like this too.

My natural birth wasn't. I was so anaemic i couldn't get out of bed at all for 3 days or climb stairs for a week. I had internal and external stitches and also was on a huge iron dose which made going to the toilet for a poo a horrendous ordeal. I also got light headed in a hot shower or using a hair dryer so while i washed my hair, i couldn't easily dry or style it. I had split bleeding nipples so breastfeeding was difficult and took ages, DS feed constantly at first.

Within a couple of weeks I was absolutely fine but i really did appreciate the help at first.

I honestly didn't require anything. I was up cooking etc within a few days. What I valued was visitors leaving after an hour and not overstaying their welcome. And if they turned up with Starbucks for me haha.

If I could I'd give you a cmpa baby , have your gp fob you off that it's colic , baby screaming 16 hours a day , vomiting up half of every feed and constant poonamis. Let's see how relaxed you'd be then 🙄🙄

Your approach sounds fabulous and as though it worked beautifully for you (I actually did something similar myself with babies 2 and 3, because I felt able to), however I believe that everyone is different, some people have harder births/recoveries than others and/or just handle it differently. In most cultures, a mother has historically been recognised as needing a lot of support, for good reason. With my first baby I simply couldn't do anything other than struggle through constant cluster feeding (tongue tie issues), my leaky boobs really were always out and I felt like an absolute mess. I barely had a moment to myself to shower/get dressed because he was clingy and the fourth trimester "I need my mother at all times" vibe was intense (in a way that it wasn't with subsequent babies, their personalities and needs were just different)... it was far from easy or relaxing. I think if I'd have had more help and support I may have been able to avoid PND (although there's no way to know for sure). There's definitely no shame in planning for/needing/asking for help if you feel you need it.

Someone who comes in at a regular time, puts the kettle on, tidies up, puts a wash on and puts away the wash they did yesterday, asks if you’d like some food and makes it without bothering you about where the bread (or whatever) is kept.

This. Someone who frees you up to basically lounge around breastfeeding in comfy clothes.

So someone who makes you cups of tea, does cleaning & laundry, brings you a sandwich, make the dinner. Or if you've got one of those babies that cries if not held continuously, holds the baby while you have a nap/go to the loo/shower. But doesn't pester you to have a hold just when the baby has latched on well for the first time etc

I agree with the sentiment of this but having said that, OP might be able to have both! In which case, take all the help you can get OP! We had very limited practical support after DC1 and pretty much none after DC2 and DC3 sadly. We managed ok of course but we would have been a lot calmer and healthier if we'd have had more help.