To feel let down by friends

I’m sorry that you have been/are going through such a difficult time OP. I think people are helpful and kind in the immediate aftermath but after a while it fades away because people are so caught up in their own lives or sometimes they don’t know what support or help you need. Have you asked to meet up for a catch up? Be it a coffee or a walk or something else.
In my area there are a couple of groups for women who have been in similar situations and I think that it a good way to find support from people who understand and to forge new friendships alongside the older ones.

My experience with various crises is peole are really actively caring and concerned for about six weeks and then it suddenly all goes quiet from almost everyone. It's happened to me a few times, so I've decided it must be some kind of innate timescale. My point is, it's not you.

I am really glad you are out of it and safe. DV and abusive relationships mess with your sense of yourself. It's quite likely that your ex isolated you from friendships without knowing. It will take time to recover and rebuild yourself.

People often don't know what to say. Their experience of your partner was probably very different to your - charming, likeable. They may find it hard to believe, or they may feel guilty that they didn't notice, and you are bearing the brunt of that.

It’s not demanding. It’s communicating your needs clearly to close friends who love you but are clearly not understanding what you need from them at the moment. People are different. Personally I prefer being left alone to lick my wounds, but I appreciate not everyone does. You have an idea what you’d do if a friend were in your position, but that might not be what she would want at all.

I don’t think I’ve ever just turned up somewhere. But if a friend says ‘shall we go for a walk’ or a coffee I’m there in a shot. Try that? Or suggest a film something joyful that you want to see or do? So they are company for you?

well done you for getting rid of that nasty man. Your life is ahead of you and will be brighter for sure x

Completely normal. People are busy in their own lives and haven’t got capacity to engage with your stuff for more than a brief period. Time moves on much quicker for them, and leaves you in an empty abyss.

It’s the same with bereavement - loads of messages and offers of help between the death and the funeral, they all turn up for the service and food, at the wake they talk about meeting, keeping in touch, plenty of hugs, then you never hear again (until the next funeral).

I tried reaching out and being specific with the help that would be really helpful. I just got rejection back “oh I’d love to but … have you tried….” <insert useless suggestion that doesn’t involve any effort on their part>.

People are just crap at this stuff. And it hurts when you’re the sort of person who would put themselves out regardless and go the extra mile.

Hold anyone that “gets it” close, and for the rest, well, I’m afraid any reciprocation on my part may well be limited to the occasional thumbs op on social media.

I know what you mean, I am the sort of person who would just turn up - however I’ve learnt that the majority of people won’t, and you really need to make it clear what you need.

It might feel awkward but do it anyway - it’ll just get more awkward as time goes by, and you really need the support. I reckon things would be a lot better in person. Often messaging just leads itself to misunderstandings and prolonged silence, that wouldn’t happen in person.

But it’s less ‘inviting them’ in a hostessy way than just saying ‘I’m lonely — could you come over tomorrow?’

Yes, you often need to be explicit about what you need from others.

I'm really sorry OP. I'm glad you're out.

The truth is everyone has their own lives and things that will take priority over you and your breakup. I'm not saying that to be mean, but it's just the way things are. It's not necessarily wrong of them either, it's human and a given that their own lives will and should take priority (I.e their kids, their families, their jobs etc). And people get tired, and need to rest, so even free time can be taken up by that.

It's amazing you got out. Please stay out of course. The police are probably better to ring than your friends if your ex starts bothering you.

Adult friendships can be tricky. In one of my friend groups 3 out of 4 of us have had what id call major challenges this year, another has had a low level but long term health issue. We want to be there for each other, and are as much as possible, but sometimes your own life and immediate family takes a higher priority. It might be something similar or they may just not know what you need and assume you need space or time to heal. Sometimes people stay away because they don't know what to say. Not excuses BUT if they're good friends reach out and ask for what you need. Invite them round for coffee or ask them out for drinks, I appreciate you want them to make the first move but sometimes as adults we just have to say what we need, others can't always read between the lines.

I'm sorry for what you've been through, and appreciate the healing journey can be challenging so stay strong and definitely do reach out to people.

I’m glad you’re safe OP, what an ordeal you must have gone through. Sometimes people aren’t great at knowing how to offer support so you have to let them know what you need, what about suggesting a catch up soon? Take care of yourself OP.

YANBU to feel hurt to not receive the amount of emotional support and community you would give/think is right for the situation.

however it seems people are really busy these days so perhaps being specific to some of your closer ones and organising meet ups.

also they can’t be your full emotional support so if not already counselling would be good, so when you’re with them you can start forming new experiences rather than talking about the past.

Some arsehole responses on here, how about a bit of empathy? I'm sorry for what you've been through OP and sorry that your friends aren't stepping up

Have you asked them to? They may well feel that your crisis is past, as your violent DH is gone. It’s possible they think you’re relieved and happy more than lonely.

There will be trauma-experienced therapists.

How have you responded to the messages? Do you often meet up for coffee/nights out, meet at each others houses?

I lost two close friends who were very sympathetic to my ex, despite how nasty he was to me and his lying and cheating that went on. I stopped seeing them in the end, after they were so judgemental of me and made me feel like a failure for having the courage to leave. I have new friends, lovely friends. You don’t need them, move on.