To feel let down by friends

Is your ex friends with them? Would he have got in first and told them his version of what happened (possibly casting you as a 'psycho')?

Op you have been through a lot and now you’re sounding bitter and projecting your upset towards your friends. I agree you should take the lead and invite them to meet you, as their lives haven’t changed , they’re just carrying on with life. Your life has changed and just need to reach out more. Don’t be a dick that they’re just carrying on with life. It’s not intentional not reaching out more.

I think there are two types of people - those who rush in at any sign of crisis to help, and those who feel that the other person may need space. Your friends are probably the latter.

I would reach out and indicate that you would appreciate more direct support.

@Octonautstotherescue is there one or a couple of the group you’re closer to? Why not just message and suggest coffee (out or at yours) to one of them initially? To be honest, they may be wondering whether to ask you or to wait for you to get in touch. They may just have thought you’re fine because he’s gone and really not understood. Just give it a try and see what reaction you get.

I think it’s a bit unclear what you expect from your friends and what they do differently now from before.
Do you expect them to invite you for coffee/ walk/ night out as they did before and stopped now or do you expect them to invite you for a chat/ coffee/ night out now when you are in a difficult situation but they haven’t done this before?
Do you expect them to turn out at yours as they did before or do you expect them to turn out at yours now but they never done it before?
There is a big difference between two scenarios.
I’m not saying that your friends are right but it’s difficult to say if they are wrong or not without knowing what they’ve done.

Yes, this.
I wouldn't want people turning up, and would find too many messages stressful.

Well done for leaving, OP. I hope you find a way to communicate with your old friends or else to make new ones, going forward.

Op, seriously. I think anytime anyone offers advice you are being very angry and reacting heavily. Ive been also affected by this. Lost my twins at birth last year and people were great initially and then it tapered off. It was particularly hard since it was Christmas and everyone was celebrating while we were burrying my babies. I did have to reach out to people and I'm glad I did. A lot of ppl won't just turn up, they don't want to intrude or feel like a burden. You said if you texted they would run a mile. Has this happened?

How long has it been OP?
Have you been sending messages to your friends or waiting for them to do it?
Before your ex left, what was the usual way for messaging, meeting up etc?
Did you see each other in person regularly?

You seem to think they aren't interested, but if you haven't been in touch either, maybe you should take the first step and see if anyone wants a coffee. Or whatever your meet ups used to be.

If they ignore you, you at least know.
If they have been giving you some space, they might be glad to hear from you.

You can guess all the different reasons why, but you won't know if you don't try.

People react differently to break ups. One of my friends went to ground and became a hermit for a while - she said she'd get in touch when she was able to and she did, several months later. Another seemed to have a peaceful, amicable break up but when I checked her new address it all flooded out and I felt terrible for not supporting her more. Your friends maybe seeing your reactions and imagining your feelings to be different from how they actually are.

Are you waiting for them to get in touch? This is the perfect time of year to suggest meeting for a drink, or a phone/video chat.

OP you don’t know this - honestly, don’t think the worst here and isolate yourself. Your friends may not know what to do. Just message ‘Hi X, it would be really nice to see you soon and catch up. Would you be free on X?’ I can sense that perhaps you are someone who struggles to reach out and ask for help, which can become a vicious cycle of those around you don’t know you’re struggling.

Hi op, what @Lemons1571 says covers my experience too, there with a "hope youre ok" when in crisis, but back away rapidly if it's too much. It was a shock, as I thought more highly of some.

This is hard earned wisdom unfortunately, I found new friends (very surprisingly for me!) and help from unexpected quarters.

In our area we've got quite a few DV charities and charity shops, and also ones linked to shelters, you are absolutely not alone in your experience. At a pinch I'd see if there are online support groups, or ones linked with thongs like the freedom programme? That will put you on touch with more people who get it.

A quote from Alice in Wonderland helped me reframe my relationships from before life hit the skids-
I could tell you my adventures—beginning from this morning,” said Alice a little timidly; “but it’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

Not much help but huge sympathy OP. It does seem to me that apart from isolating the partner from friends, when the break up happens other couples often give a wide berth. It sits at odds with all the supposed concern people feign about DV, but I do think it happens. It seems very old fashioned.

Have you called these friends for a chat at any point or have you expected them to come to you?

I have a relative having a difficult who I’m more than happy to support but I also have a lot going on with my own family and work. I’d always answer if she called but don’t necessarily think to pick up the phone. She expects everyone to come to her rather than being proactive in getting the support she wants.

Not everyone likes people to just turn up though. Lots feel they need an invite to visit someone. Half of mumsnet don't even answer the door if they're not expecting anyone! So try asking some of them round. Be specific, with a date and a time. Don't expect them to do something, just because it's what you would do.

Octo you sound very down today. Why not try and text them to meet up this week. Be specific. Give it a go. Don’t plan to ‘offload’ on them - do something that brings you joy and distraction - meet for a Xmas film, some mulled wine or whatever.

In my area they run at local community centres.
I am sure there must be some online options too?

I'm really sorry to hear about your situation.bit must be very isolating for you particularly when you're not the guilty party, if that's the right term. You would think your friends would be more understanding, especially as it takes time to heal from such a trauma.

Are these friendships that you socialised with as couples? I found that on divorce a lot of people disappeared from my life. Single female is an awkward dynamic for some people. Add in DV and some would run for the hills as it's beyond their capability or understanding. Some people just want an easy life.

Also the level of support you would give someone in this situation can be very different to what they would think to give. It's disappointing but people can be very self focused. Not everyone is a giver or thoughtful to others like you.

Are you able to access some therapy or counselling @Octonautstotherescue ? Citizens Advice can point you in the right direction. It sounds like you need someone to talk to, to process what's happened to you so you can begin to heal.

Hi, sorry for what you’ve been through.

I had a bit of a crash down to earth with friends recently and became very aware that most people are journeying through their own life.

I’ve had to reframe my friendships to not feel so let down and accept that modern life with kids, work, so many commitments means well intentioned friends don’t always translate into being there for you.

is there a network of women who have been through similar things you can tap into?