To feel let down by friends

You're adjusting to a lot, OP. Everything has shifted for you and it takes time to process. You do seem to be reacting angrily to posters on here and seeing a hidden, offensive meaning to what people are saying. That's probably learned behaviour from experiencing violence in a relationship.

Well done for getting out. It's the start of the rest of your life and i wish you the very best. Sometimes people don't react in ways that we would- I'd be a 'turn up and pitch in' person like you but some of my friends would see that as overstepping and would worry about getting in the way. So, if you can, it's worth being clear and asking your friends for what you need.

It sounds like you're at a stage where you can be receptive to a whole bunch of great new people entering your life, which is a good thing from the sounds of it since your old friends have been a bit crap. It's just thinking about where you can find people who have similar interests to you that's the hard part.

Have you looked at meetup or eventbrite for things local to you? Or maybe some volunteer opportunity sites that suit your interests?

It's totally normal to share problems with friends once they're established ones, especially if they're sharing with you and it's reciprocal, in the meantime the counselling stuff should see you through. It could also be worth reaching out to your old closest friend and explicitly explain you're struggling and a chat would mean a lot to you.

I was going to sughest this - meet up to do something cheerful (fake it til you make it) and just enjoy being with people. Then it might come up in conversation - if not this time, next time you meet.

That's not the case

A dear friend lost her husband. She and the rest of us have relatively busy lives (we;re older so no small children)

A group of us are in constant communication by WhatsApp. We meet once a week where possible. And it's all sorts of chat, not about her situation specifically
We get together with our husbands (at her agreement/suggestion) from time to time as we always used to.
She is very clear about what she needs so we can respond where and when we can.

There is no 'just turning up' and wasn't from the start. But we are still incredibly close

im at the stage if I did ask for a “walk” or “coffee” they’d have an excuse or run a mile and maybe I need to woman-up and just get on with things without anyone.

How on earth do you know that they'd have an excuse or run a mile? You haven't asked. You're writing them off completely simply because they haven't turned up out of the blue, which is something no friend I've ever had has done, and I have lots of decent mates. There is honestly zero shame or awkwardness in messaging someone to ask them for a "walk" or "coffee", and even if they were busy, it'd not necessarily an excuse or a sign the friendship is meaningless. I think you sound very down, which is understandable after what you've been through, but you'll only get worse stewing on it and overthinking. You don't need to woman-up and get on without anyone. You just need to send a few messages checking in and making arrangements to meet up. Not dropping hints or setting tests to prove to yourself that your friends are all terrible and against you.

I am wondering if they are giving you a bit of space, perhaps you could try a simple message asking if anyone is free to meet up soon for coffee and catch-up, and go from there: if no response they were fair-weather friends, sadly, but at least you will know

They are likely oblivious that you want company and friendship and are just getting on with their lives.

They wrongly assume because he's gone you are now ok and "better than ever" rather than struggling.

I would and invite them to a specific meet up and take it from there.

If they don't even make the effort then it shows them up as utterly lacking humans tbh.

I think you need to go to them and say you are feeling lonely at times and want to have some time with them. Is this different behaviour from them compared to before you left him? How often would you meet up then?

How close would you say you are to these friends in general? Have you learnt on them/have they been there for you in the past?

I wonder whether it's a case of people thinking that you probably have closer friends who are there for you and that they should keep their beaks out... (obviously understand this might not apply if it's mutually clear that you're close... in which case it's disappointing)

But OP says they did reach out to her. She hasn't said how long ago her ex left. Or how she responded to her friends.

It could be they are shit friends
It could also be they still care about how OP is doing, but if (e.g) she hasn't been in touch either, they are giving her space.

OP sounds very hurt, and she has been through a lot, but if she isn't willing to at least reach out, she might be cutting herself off from her friends out of something akin to stubbornness

These good friends did reach out initially. Presumably they have also reached out many times in the 20 years, as you did to them, otherwise you would not still be friends.

It's harsh, but it is true that in the first few weeks, people make a huge effort after divorce, bereavement, leaving a relationships, but then their own lives go on. Remember, if you are in middle-age, the chances that they don't have adult children with huge life issues, parents who have chronic ill health, cancer, their own bereavements, cost-of-living stress is probably nil. Most of my friends have one quite large life problem right now, so whilst they can rally in a crisis, they aren't going to be able to keep that up.

You do sound angry at them, but your expectation of them popping over is probably unrealistic, more realistic is dropping them a message, asking if they'd like to get together soon, or setting up a social meet. They might also have things to off-load or want to get out more or have some fun, it is unlikely they are sitting at home having just a wonderful time without you- this is a narrative you have told yourself, but it's unlikely to be true.

It is also the case that you can't have all your eggs in one basket. That doesn't mean you have to rush out and make new friends, but it does mean that now you have got out of this horrendous relationship, you will have a lot more time and energy on your hands and it may take a while to know what to do with it- therapy is good, and then after that it depends whether you want to work, do more socializing, travel, study, or meet up with friends, new and old. It is hard work building a new life, I've had to do it myself after my husband's death- it includes my old friends but also new opportunities, or reconnecting with friends who might have fallen by the wayside a bit. It's hard though, and I do get what you are saying, you are feeling tired and exhausted and need a hand up in life. So, take the time to be very kind to yourself right now, just drop a few messages to your friends if you feel like it, send a couple of Christmas cards, attend a carol service and over time, that new life will start to become more visible as you go towards it.

Sorry but they're shit friends. Good friends would reach out. Come and see you, call you, check in on you. They'd make time for you.

For almost all my friends I'm a tier 2 friend. They wouldn't go on holiday with me, wouldn't insist on doing something for my birthday - I'm just not one of their closest friends. Wouldn't suggest a full day out just me and them. It's hard but I try to appreciate that they are still good friends, and put lots of effort in.

How close were you before all this happened?

Hi, I would also add that it really does depend in how this has come about. My best friend for many years had an abusive partner, she came to me for 'advice' & sympathy every time he hit her. I listened & empathised for years. However, there is only so long as a friend, that you can keep saying the same thing before it becomes frustrating to watch/ be involved with. She left & went back time & time again. It made no sense to me as they had no ties, but maybe that just makes me an awful person. The drama & ignoring all advice, was very tiring. When she finally made 'the break' I didn't know this was going to finally be it, or just another back & forth, so my sympathy was prob muted by that point.

Do you not really spend time with your friends generally? As in, even before your partner left? They’re your friends of 20 years but when did you all actually hang out together?

If you react to your friends like you’re reacting to people here, then they are pulling back in self defence.

You have been through trauma, and it can help enormously to contact charities that have experience helping people process that. You GP surgery may be able to signpost you to support in your area, and a self referral to IAPT might be a good idea.

Your friends don’t know what you need. You aren’t receptive to telling them - if fact, you seem pretty hostile about it. They aren’t mind readers and they don’t know what best will support you.

They are also living their lives full of their own stuff at the most manic time of year with all the pressures everyone experiences. It doesn’t mean they don’t care but it might mean they haven’t got a lot of headspace to think about what your needs are. You will not be the only person they care about who is going through a difficult time.

Some people are fair weather friends. Some people are spooked by trauma and shy away or look like deer in headlights and don’t know how to react. Some are just assholes.

But mostly people want to be decent. Reach out, let them know you want to go for a coffee or a browse at the Christmas market or something. “I am fed up. Fancy going to Gladiators 2 for a cocktail and hunky blokes beating the crap out of each other?”

Don’t write off all your friends because they are there for you in the way you need right now. Trust that they like you and you like them, and move on from that position, not one of resentment and distrust.

Oh op you've been through such a horrible difficult situation and you've done amazing. You clearly want your friends to anticipate and know what you want.

What people are saying is that almost everyone is not very good at knowing what other people want. You may be really good at it but most people aren't.

Therefore you just need to tell your friends what you want. A message of hey can we do a walk and coffee this weekend as I really need someone to talk to.

It probably feels like another mountain to set out your needs, and you've probably never done it.

But you do need to say what you want people to do

They might think you want space?

This is exactly it. You need to let them know what they can do for you, otherwise they won't know. I wouldn't keep on asking a friend if they were okay - many people hate to be pitied. But if they said "Actually could you mind the kids on Sunday so I can get the presents done" or "Can we go out and drink mulled wine and I can complain about my ex for an hour without you looking bored or telling me I have to be careful not to get bitter" I would say yes like a shot.

You have to reach out OP. People's lives are busy with DC, parents, work, preparing for Christmas, their own health and fitness, etc. If you have gone silent they may assume you're not up for company. Call or text your friends. Ask if they're free to meet. Or just have a chat and keep them in the loop. Everyone has a full life, but if they are true friends they'll make time for you.

I would also be interested to know the timeline. Has it been 2 days, two months, 2 years?

That isn’t what people have been saying at all OP. I’m sorry if that is what you have taken from peoples responses. People are advising you to message these people and to access support groups.

You're not listening OP.

You're angry and sad, totally understandable. But your friends have got their own lives, that's reality, and they don't know what you want or need unless you communicate it to them.

No one is telling you to 'be as appealing as possible', but to be clear to your friends what you want from them instead of expecting them to guess, and to seek extra support from people who have been in a similar boat so you can get useful support in that way too. But you're hearing any post that doesn't 100% agree your friends are dicks, or that suggests anything, as a criticism of you.

No, that's not what PP have said at all.

Nobody here is denying you had a horrific time with your ex.

But you sound angry at the world and that you have to maybe make the first step to meet up with your friends.

Nobody has blamed you for anything, just suggested that it's not unreasonable for you to be the person to initiate contact.

Not at all. When I said “come to her”, I meant emotionally.